It's a fairly unpopular subject I know, but it is one of those things in popular culture that strikes at the root of a lot of things I believe. As educated people we need to be serious about solutions and I tire of misguided outrage which gives us permission to turn out brains off in the name of presenting a pretty image. My beliefs stand up to facts and logic, I don't mean that people's emotional responses are wrong, but you owe the world some level of self examination.
First of all let me admit, I am a fan of R. Kelly's music. I think dude makes some good music, even though most of the recent stuff is more ignorant/ funny, I am cool with dude. It's music, entertainment is entertainment, I don't get ultra offended. However apparently that makes me a sketchy individual because now that there has been a not guilty verdict I should be marching around with such great outrage because this pedophile has been released and if you believe in God, Justice and are not in favor of raping black women you should condemn his acquittal. I am being sent emails with the so-called "black male" response calling on ending the exploitive treatment of black women like this is going to be a real Rosa Parks movement for Black America. I have lost friends for my position on the subject matter, but come on we people have got to do better.
R. Kelly is sick. He obviously does not care about sleeping with teenagers, he is a grimey motherfucker, there is no question about that. Was he guilty of a crime? More than likely. Was he guilty of the crime that they charged him for? That is less certain. Did the prosecution come close to proving their case? Hell no, the ran a trial based upon the emotional responses of the people who I have conflict with right now, who can't understand the issue well enough to prosecute it.
The point is that R. Kelly is not a pedophile. A pedophile is described as a person who is sexually attracted to a child. A child is described as a person between the ages of birth and puberty. Once a person has passed the age of puberty and are an adolescent or teenager there is a very large psychological, legal, and societal grey area that people don't like to deal with. In psychology the definition of an adult who is attracted to a person in this post puberty/ pre-adulthood stage is ephobilia. In the law under certain circumstances a person as young as 13 has been held to be an adult to face criminal charges, yet a person as old as 21 is not consider an adult for the ability to drink. A 14 year old can consent to sexual contact with a person up to 18 years old, yet not with anyone above 19 years old. In society, thousands of fourteen year olds are pregnant by men of all different ages, proms and school dances consistently add maximum age provisions because some people just don't see the problem with their 15 year old daughter having a 26 year old "boyfriend."
This argument has people accuse me of being petty. I am justifying a dirty old man sleeping and pissing on a 13 year old. I am sick and disturbing and I have issues. Why draw the line? Sick is sick. I have two responses. First the line is important because the super majority of people believe that pedophilia is wrong, when you attempt to expand the definition into fields that all evidence points to the fact is not a universally held belief you lessen the power of the term and you open yourself up to losing trials. Had the prosecution argued the legal merits of the case instead of trying to condemn a monster they would have won the case, but instead they presented salacious evidence with tremendous holes in it in the name of holding this man up as the face of evil. They learned the hard way that this view was not universally held.
My second response is the folks, particularly educated black folks need to get their heads out of their asses. I see more negroes walk around strutting with a sense of superiority because they have this degree or that degree yet whenever any issue comes up negroes pretend like their degree is nothing but another fancy accessory like their Prada bag. I am not saying that you need to necessarily agree with my argument, I can even give you a pass if you want to argue that the definition isn't important, but the concept that making a valid intellectual argument in term makes you the devil is the most backward slave plantation thinking ever you educated Niggas need to do better.
My position, so that it is on the record, is this:
1. I do not care about the jury verdict. Had he been convicted I would not be claiming a black victory, and I am not claiming a victory at his acquittal. This case has absolutely nothing to do with the underlying issue affecting the community.
2. Explain the outrage. People scream that this is so wrong, but I need to know what was so wrong. Is the issue that the age difference was too great? That the girl was too young? That he was too rich? That he urinated on her? That he videotaped it? What is the outrage people are feeling? This matters because if the mass coalition of the outraged people were to ever try to define their outrage they would find that their agreement was falling apart. This matters because I have to ask where the continued outrage was when the video came out. My opinion is that there needs to be an age set, like 16/17 which is a universal age of consent no matter how old the other party is. I also believe that pissing on a woman whether she is 14 or 50 means you are a sick fuck. People don't think about the reason for statutory rape laws.
If the girl needs protection because she does not have the cognitive development to consent then it does not matter how old the other party is. Of course cognitive development is generally an argument that requires a case by case examination and opens up the question of whether individuals who sleep with someone who is physically of age, though not mentally, yet not disabled to the point of currently being illegal should be prosecuted if they fall in the level of development that we are arguing is not sufficient to consent to sexual activity. The statutory argument is that a law must be passed for the maintenance of an orderly society and there is an age under which that while a person who could legitimately make the decision to engage in sexual intercourse should not have that right, similar to the right to vote and to drink. This is a law that people would support, even those who did not think that it was a big deal would be willing to convict because the "law is the law" and it is applied fairly. This of course bothers people because people want to protect the "right" I suppose for their 14 year old daughter to get busted down by her 15 year old boyfriend when neither are old enough to work in order to support that child. Of course supporting a examination of the law and its purpose would require people to:
3. Face the hypocrisy. Is that so? R. Kelly case shows the exploitation of Black Women and we must stand up to degrading behavior? Because BET doesn't exist. There is no song called Bust it Baby on the radio, right? Actually let me hit closer to home for my educated people. Its not all thugs and drug dealers who travel to Brazil and Thailand. It is not all thugs and drug dealers who keep the strip clubs in business. It is not all thugs and drug dealers who hit the club every weekend chasing every shapely body they see, ignoring every other thing about her until they can hit it and never call back. And it is not just the men, it is not all uneducated sisters and hood rats that are chasing every fancy car they can find. It is not all uneducated sisters and hood rats that judge a good man strictly by his income and objects. It is not all uneducated sisters that are filling up stripper classes like having a degree all of a sudden makes pole dancing less exploitive. Are we really arguing that had R/ Kelly urinated on a grown woman it would have been morally acceptable? No, as each day goes on we support all of the same ole bullshit that reduces individuals and their interactions to a collections of parts that has no bearing on who they are and what they think. Men are their wallets, cars, homes, and dick size, women are ass and breasts, face and what they will let you do and how easily. We promote this thinking in everything we value in our elite social life then when it bites us in the ass being pushed to an extreme we need to demonize an R. Kelly, or a Michael Vick, or a Pacman Jones because it allows you to justify your bullshit for another moment or two.
The underlying problem is that objectification and hyper sexual relationships have gotten out of control. Whether a person is used, demeaned and discarded at 15 or 50 there is still a major harm to the victim, and the abuser is not relieved of "moral" responsibility. You want to prosecute every person who sleeps with a person under 18? I'm with you. You want to boycott all music that sends a negative image or objectifies? Let's do it. Don't forget the drug deal music, and the 8 million shake your ass harder songs. You want to set a better role model for your friends and children? Let's do it, but stop cheating on your spouses, stop hiding money from child support, some the boys or girls weekends to Vegas and Miami where you fuck whatever, stop going out ass naked in the street. If you want to feel better about yourself by blasting R. Kelly as a deviant strain that is the root of emblematic of the exploitation issues destroying gender relations in the black community? Leave me out of it and come back when you get serious.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My Relationship Story...
Ok, so constantly I am referred to as being anti-relationship. Anti-girlfriend or some version of this by so many people I know. So once I will try to completely explain my opinion on the subject matter.
The first, and last official girlfriend I had was my sophomore year in high school. She was cute, I didn't like her that much but she wanted to "go with me" and I didn't have shit else to do so I was like "cool." We will talk on the phone, and walk through the hall at school, and people will tell us how cute we are, and I can pretend like I am just so into this person that in reality I thought was a little bit petty, and that I knew had moments of pure insanity like getting in fist fights with her mother. But it was all whatever because I was in a relationship with a cute girl that gave me a little bit of status in the halls and I was down for the cause. Until the end of that very first day of school when I was standing outside with my boy waiting on my newly minted girlfriend so I could walk her to the train or something like that when this other cute girl that I didn't really know rolled up on me. She came at me with the, "hey I don't really know you, but I have been watching you for a few weeks, and I really want to get up with you." WTF? I have been in a relationship one day with a girl who is saying I have to work my way towards winning, and now I have one throwing it at me? What to do, what to do? Well me being an honorable young man who was taught that you do not disrespect your relationship, I played the second girl to the left and was committed to my relationship. Man, I swear the number of girls that game out of the wood work trying to get up, (mostly because they hated my girl I think) had me blown. Eventually, all of the things that I didn't know about the girl and didn't like about the girl got to the point where I wanted out anyway, it was all no harm, no foul but I couldn't help feeling like I had just wasted my time. I mean what was really the point of this relationship? I had created stronger friendships in less time with people that I was not "dating," there was never really any end goal in mind from out interaction, and I had pushed off other opportunities in the name of being noble. What exactly was the point?
Now most men come to this point of thought at one point or another but the conclusion they come to is to still play the relationship game but to just cheat if opportunities come up because in reality most of these so-called relationships aren't going to work. I am not on that, so I am basically really upfront about what we are. I mean why exchange titles because in my opinion titles no matter what our relationship is once you place it into titles become the bullshit that they attribute to that term. The fact is that if a title is that important to a woman she can have it, I am not talking about not claiming her and I usually would even hold you out as my girl if you are comfortable with that because its easier than explaining all of our business, but if you leave it up to me I hate the titles. The titles present this idea of stability long before it should exist. People get complacent too quickly and take people for granted way too soon and that is much more apt to happen when someone feels like they have a boyfriend that is committed to them as opposed to someone they are still trying to impress and date. Complacency is wack, but its the norm, and the other problem with titles and me is that just because another person has decided that they are fine settling for bullshit, if I let them have the title I am supposed to settle for their bullshit. There are plenty of reasons that are perfectly acceptable to stop dealing with the woman I am dating, but much less for breaking up with your girlfriend. Personally I think I am lying to her if I give her the signal that I am at the point of looking past certain shit before I am.
I know that people often believe that the issue is a problem with commitment, but that is not the case. Personally I don't enjoy all the back and forth of dating and hollering at girls enough to want it ever extended. Getting to know someone in the beginning is that same fucked up dance of the same bullshit conversations that personally kill me on the inside. When I am dating someone that I am into I don't and have no interest in dating other people. Most people that know me from the street don't have a myriad of stories of me out there hollering at this girl or that girl I am just cool, and usually it's because I am mentally off the market. I actually get there fairly quickly, that just means I want to see how this thing plays out, but I play it close to the vest because I want to let things develop without the pressure of knowing that I am potentially all in.
What makes sense to me is for two people to just chill drama free for an extended period of time and find out if they actually like each other before focusing so much on getting to know each other deeply or whatever other feel good shit people put out there. I just want to know do I like you, regardless of your ideas on politics, or faith, and family, do I like eating with you, do I like watching tv with you, do I like our life. Basically I just want to extend the amount of time that you are perfect, before I know some of the dumb shit you did in college, or something completely silly that you believe, it allows me to put it into a better perspective about which things are deal breakers and which are not. I have been known to cut a girl of things that some would consider a minor lapse in judgment, but that was easy to do because I had no glimpse of the idea that working through this issue would lead to happiness. I want to know I can be happy with you when all things are equal then I will know when the rough times come that there is something real that I am trying to get back to, not some random hope that we actually are compatible.
I think formal titles and relationships in the traditional sense do harm to the ability to do that. People spend so much time presenting their representatives and exchanging sad stories that it is difficult to walk away when it's just not right. Sometimes all the work in the world can't make up for the fact that you too are just not a good fit, but if your entire relationship is built on working to make a fit instead of actually checking it out to see if this works there is a problem. Too many times I sit around and end up in a conversation with a woman attempting to convince me that she loves me and that we should be together. When I get past the point of indulging these conversations I ask them some fairly pointed questions about me, about us, and about how we would work. They generally have no idea, people want to sign up for a relationship with someone who they do not know at all. They want to feel like they know you when you are actually less close and have built up less trust than they have with most friendships, all of this supposed connection is generally a pretense that people have produced to present themselves with what they feel is a more acceptable reason to have sex. I just don't think it is necessary.
Yes from the outside many of my relationships may look fairly traditional, that is why I know that my perspective in not particularly as radical as it sounds in print. It is generally more honest and based more upon actions and work, but that is also why my female friendships are generally different, or so I have been told, from other peoples cross gender friendships. I am fairly aware of when and how I fuck up, just as I am very acutely aware of how the woman may fuck up. I don't, however, believe that it is always necessary to bring it up. With each obstacle there comes a fork in the road, does this make me want to leave or do I want to stay? If I want to leave we can end things politely and there is no need to attack someone with the lists of what they have done wrong in your opinion, and if you choose to stay riding someone for their perceived faults that you don't think is that large of a deal doesn't serve a purpose either. The only time the conversation is important is if you can fix a pattern of behavior that will change your desire to stay into a desire to leave. I believe in marriage, I even want one conceptually, but I know that I would have a difficult time being married to anyone who couldn't understand how I see dating and relationships because it needs to be our own thing, and if veering slightly off the beaten path is that shocking now, you won't be able to adapt to the type of marriage I want/need.
But if you have that real love and you are happy I support you, I am all about your joy. As long as you are happy I am happy for you, my way does not need to be your way for anything in life. But understand that I don't hate on true love, I just believe it's much rarer in this world than people present.
The first, and last official girlfriend I had was my sophomore year in high school. She was cute, I didn't like her that much but she wanted to "go with me" and I didn't have shit else to do so I was like "cool." We will talk on the phone, and walk through the hall at school, and people will tell us how cute we are, and I can pretend like I am just so into this person that in reality I thought was a little bit petty, and that I knew had moments of pure insanity like getting in fist fights with her mother. But it was all whatever because I was in a relationship with a cute girl that gave me a little bit of status in the halls and I was down for the cause. Until the end of that very first day of school when I was standing outside with my boy waiting on my newly minted girlfriend so I could walk her to the train or something like that when this other cute girl that I didn't really know rolled up on me. She came at me with the, "hey I don't really know you, but I have been watching you for a few weeks, and I really want to get up with you." WTF? I have been in a relationship one day with a girl who is saying I have to work my way towards winning, and now I have one throwing it at me? What to do, what to do? Well me being an honorable young man who was taught that you do not disrespect your relationship, I played the second girl to the left and was committed to my relationship. Man, I swear the number of girls that game out of the wood work trying to get up, (mostly because they hated my girl I think) had me blown. Eventually, all of the things that I didn't know about the girl and didn't like about the girl got to the point where I wanted out anyway, it was all no harm, no foul but I couldn't help feeling like I had just wasted my time. I mean what was really the point of this relationship? I had created stronger friendships in less time with people that I was not "dating," there was never really any end goal in mind from out interaction, and I had pushed off other opportunities in the name of being noble. What exactly was the point?
Now most men come to this point of thought at one point or another but the conclusion they come to is to still play the relationship game but to just cheat if opportunities come up because in reality most of these so-called relationships aren't going to work. I am not on that, so I am basically really upfront about what we are. I mean why exchange titles because in my opinion titles no matter what our relationship is once you place it into titles become the bullshit that they attribute to that term. The fact is that if a title is that important to a woman she can have it, I am not talking about not claiming her and I usually would even hold you out as my girl if you are comfortable with that because its easier than explaining all of our business, but if you leave it up to me I hate the titles. The titles present this idea of stability long before it should exist. People get complacent too quickly and take people for granted way too soon and that is much more apt to happen when someone feels like they have a boyfriend that is committed to them as opposed to someone they are still trying to impress and date. Complacency is wack, but its the norm, and the other problem with titles and me is that just because another person has decided that they are fine settling for bullshit, if I let them have the title I am supposed to settle for their bullshit. There are plenty of reasons that are perfectly acceptable to stop dealing with the woman I am dating, but much less for breaking up with your girlfriend. Personally I think I am lying to her if I give her the signal that I am at the point of looking past certain shit before I am.
I know that people often believe that the issue is a problem with commitment, but that is not the case. Personally I don't enjoy all the back and forth of dating and hollering at girls enough to want it ever extended. Getting to know someone in the beginning is that same fucked up dance of the same bullshit conversations that personally kill me on the inside. When I am dating someone that I am into I don't and have no interest in dating other people. Most people that know me from the street don't have a myriad of stories of me out there hollering at this girl or that girl I am just cool, and usually it's because I am mentally off the market. I actually get there fairly quickly, that just means I want to see how this thing plays out, but I play it close to the vest because I want to let things develop without the pressure of knowing that I am potentially all in.
What makes sense to me is for two people to just chill drama free for an extended period of time and find out if they actually like each other before focusing so much on getting to know each other deeply or whatever other feel good shit people put out there. I just want to know do I like you, regardless of your ideas on politics, or faith, and family, do I like eating with you, do I like watching tv with you, do I like our life. Basically I just want to extend the amount of time that you are perfect, before I know some of the dumb shit you did in college, or something completely silly that you believe, it allows me to put it into a better perspective about which things are deal breakers and which are not. I have been known to cut a girl of things that some would consider a minor lapse in judgment, but that was easy to do because I had no glimpse of the idea that working through this issue would lead to happiness. I want to know I can be happy with you when all things are equal then I will know when the rough times come that there is something real that I am trying to get back to, not some random hope that we actually are compatible.
I think formal titles and relationships in the traditional sense do harm to the ability to do that. People spend so much time presenting their representatives and exchanging sad stories that it is difficult to walk away when it's just not right. Sometimes all the work in the world can't make up for the fact that you too are just not a good fit, but if your entire relationship is built on working to make a fit instead of actually checking it out to see if this works there is a problem. Too many times I sit around and end up in a conversation with a woman attempting to convince me that she loves me and that we should be together. When I get past the point of indulging these conversations I ask them some fairly pointed questions about me, about us, and about how we would work. They generally have no idea, people want to sign up for a relationship with someone who they do not know at all. They want to feel like they know you when you are actually less close and have built up less trust than they have with most friendships, all of this supposed connection is generally a pretense that people have produced to present themselves with what they feel is a more acceptable reason to have sex. I just don't think it is necessary.
Yes from the outside many of my relationships may look fairly traditional, that is why I know that my perspective in not particularly as radical as it sounds in print. It is generally more honest and based more upon actions and work, but that is also why my female friendships are generally different, or so I have been told, from other peoples cross gender friendships. I am fairly aware of when and how I fuck up, just as I am very acutely aware of how the woman may fuck up. I don't, however, believe that it is always necessary to bring it up. With each obstacle there comes a fork in the road, does this make me want to leave or do I want to stay? If I want to leave we can end things politely and there is no need to attack someone with the lists of what they have done wrong in your opinion, and if you choose to stay riding someone for their perceived faults that you don't think is that large of a deal doesn't serve a purpose either. The only time the conversation is important is if you can fix a pattern of behavior that will change your desire to stay into a desire to leave. I believe in marriage, I even want one conceptually, but I know that I would have a difficult time being married to anyone who couldn't understand how I see dating and relationships because it needs to be our own thing, and if veering slightly off the beaten path is that shocking now, you won't be able to adapt to the type of marriage I want/need.
But if you have that real love and you are happy I support you, I am all about your joy. As long as you are happy I am happy for you, my way does not need to be your way for anything in life. But understand that I don't hate on true love, I just believe it's much rarer in this world than people present.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Ceilings and Floors
Ok, so I have this theory of ceilings and floors... I think that everytime you are in a relationship the relationship has a floor of what is expected by each party and their is a ceiling given to what someone can do. This always makes kicking it difficult because you can often get caught in a situation where your floor was the other man's ceiling. There is nothing more annoying that when you get absolutely no credit for shit that the last man couldn't do... It's like if she was dating a broke dude, then she was happy when he copped that $80 dinner, but if you are not broke and you regularly spend $150, well that ain't shit and she won't give you the same amount of credit for that $80 until you spend $400.
That, in a nutshell, is the problem with the game. Credit just does not exist. I wish I could explain to folks what I go through without just bitching at the game. Let me tell you why dudes get frustrated, we go through a lot of bullshit for hook ups, or finding new spots, or the ability to entertain... You get on lists, get V.I.P., but none of that shit matters, cause what I have found is that most girls don't know how much it costs to kick it. I have honestly had people that I have spent like $200 a month on casually, say that it ain't shit. I have gotten groups of 6 into parties free sometimes when I'm not even there. I have bought all of her friends drinks whenever I see them whether she is around or not, but that doesn't matter either. And that is how the game works. See once you establish some shit as a floor you will never get credit for it. Credit of course becomes frustrating when you get stuck in conversations about the state of the union, and after your good and hard work that you thought was impressive you find out that you are considered fairly run of the mill. Now, I have had conversations about the exes so you know you are not universally run of the mill but where you are standard is that you live on your floor with occasional reaches towards the ceiling. I have actually been told that if I invite someone on one of my hook ups it should not mean shit to them because it was "free." This of course ignores that nothing is actually free and that I always could have taken someone else. Basically the rule is just don't expect there to be any recognition that we are talking about different floors and ceilings.
This is a difference between men and women I think. Men have much more of a universal floor and ceiling than one that is specific to the woman. This does not mean that men can't take a woman for granted but there is some credit for a lot more basic shit in my opinion. Like most dudes give you that jump credit for faking like you are willing to pay on date three, or actually taking me out once, or offering to cook. Basically anything that shows that $400/month when it is not a car note is not a throw off expenditure from your monthly accounts. Hell shit is currently so much realer with the $4 gas... It's a delicate balance, you don't want to wine about the game, but it is what we all hate about the game. I guess the honorable thing is we just don't do anything about it. Mostly because in the end I know I have been a low ceiling negro in my past. Yet, that does not make it less frustrating while you play through it.
In the end I have learned that if you want better luck i the future you need to understand a woman's past ceilings and floors. If your floor is too much higher than her last ceiling you may want to reconsider you future. You may thing you can handle it, but the pressure is hard when you can picture the dude that hit it for a cheesburger when you are paying for lobster... (crude? yeah... But its the game)
That, in a nutshell, is the problem with the game. Credit just does not exist. I wish I could explain to folks what I go through without just bitching at the game. Let me tell you why dudes get frustrated, we go through a lot of bullshit for hook ups, or finding new spots, or the ability to entertain... You get on lists, get V.I.P., but none of that shit matters, cause what I have found is that most girls don't know how much it costs to kick it. I have honestly had people that I have spent like $200 a month on casually, say that it ain't shit. I have gotten groups of 6 into parties free sometimes when I'm not even there. I have bought all of her friends drinks whenever I see them whether she is around or not, but that doesn't matter either. And that is how the game works. See once you establish some shit as a floor you will never get credit for it. Credit of course becomes frustrating when you get stuck in conversations about the state of the union, and after your good and hard work that you thought was impressive you find out that you are considered fairly run of the mill. Now, I have had conversations about the exes so you know you are not universally run of the mill but where you are standard is that you live on your floor with occasional reaches towards the ceiling. I have actually been told that if I invite someone on one of my hook ups it should not mean shit to them because it was "free." This of course ignores that nothing is actually free and that I always could have taken someone else. Basically the rule is just don't expect there to be any recognition that we are talking about different floors and ceilings.
This is a difference between men and women I think. Men have much more of a universal floor and ceiling than one that is specific to the woman. This does not mean that men can't take a woman for granted but there is some credit for a lot more basic shit in my opinion. Like most dudes give you that jump credit for faking like you are willing to pay on date three, or actually taking me out once, or offering to cook. Basically anything that shows that $400/month when it is not a car note is not a throw off expenditure from your monthly accounts. Hell shit is currently so much realer with the $4 gas... It's a delicate balance, you don't want to wine about the game, but it is what we all hate about the game. I guess the honorable thing is we just don't do anything about it. Mostly because in the end I know I have been a low ceiling negro in my past. Yet, that does not make it less frustrating while you play through it.
In the end I have learned that if you want better luck i the future you need to understand a woman's past ceilings and floors. If your floor is too much higher than her last ceiling you may want to reconsider you future. You may thing you can handle it, but the pressure is hard when you can picture the dude that hit it for a cheesburger when you are paying for lobster... (crude? yeah... But its the game)
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Don't Wake Me.... I'm Dreamin-in...
Ok, so have you ever been in a situation where you are in a dating quagmire? I mean you're not getting what you want, you're not sure you could get what you wanted if you worked harder, plus you don't really feel like working harder anyway. What to do, what to do?
Well when you find yourself in this position, do absolutely nothing... This is called the fall asleep game. Fall asleep... It just like that old stereotype... Take a nap and everything will work itself out by the morning... Now to be clear I do not mean to insinuate that clarity will expose itself in one nights time, but leave it alone, it will all work out.
Example, you're out on a date with one of these really fine professional "post-feminist" types. This pretty much means their ideas on gender equality are fairly hypocritical and generally prone to be antagonistic to you in the beginning. She is much more likely to be an ass even if you pay for everything and are a perfect gentleman because she wants you to know that as an educated black man you really ain't all of that. You go on a date or two, you chat a few times, its cool, but she has the guards up and you can see she is gearing up for a lot of that bullshit. What do you do? Nothing... Not a damn thing, don't be rude but don't feel the need to do anything pro-active. Go on other dates... Basically forget her, it will really be fine. See for the next two weeks when you haven't called she may send you a coy text or something trying to draw you into a conversation where she wants you to ask her out. Don't fall for the bait, how do you answer a "hello" text? "Hi" how do you answer a "How are you?" text, with the ever popular "cool... busy" and walk away... You have answered one text, so you are not bitching at them but if they write back you don't have to answer the others... in fact you don't answer the first text for a few hours anyway so you're not a dick, and you are doing your own thing. In the meantime while they are living their own life they start to go through the math themselves... This is a good dude, he is educated, treated me nice on a date, I was on that bullshit, and now I am not sure if he is really being distant on purpose or if he really is just busy. Since he was nice before I will give him the benefit of the doubt... or not. And here is the great part of the game, instead of paying for more dates and wasting time, the person who is more adaptable to your current goals will self select themselves as the person who calls you back and who doesn't... and when they call you back they have already made the decision to be less of an ass with you so generally they are acting right. And the greatest part of all of this is that you are generally unaware of all the complicated machinations that have gone on because generally you were asleep. You only know it worked when you get the call that seems random out of the blue by that girl you almost forgot about except this time she seems so much nicer now. It's the greatest.
The fall asleep game doesn't just work on women, it is perfectly applicable to men. the internal machinations are different but what the hell do you care because when you wake up the shit is working out right. And it works for whatever your goal is... this is not just about getting a relationship, or getting ass, it is just a fairly effective training tool. The basic premises is that most people spend too much time being game theorists and trying to think everything out. Usually, if they are just chill its not so high stress and the fall asleep game is not necessary. But if they are always trying to work an angle, ignore their ass and let them either get in or get out. See its great, you want a low key dinner partner, just only answer them if there is a request for dinner, they will figure it out if they can handle it. You want them to stop fronting... It comes through if they are the type that can do it.
I know, I know, you don't believe it can be that easy. Converts to the fall asleep game only come through experience. But realize when you are too worried about what some person is thinking and what they are doing next the fall asleep game may be happening on you.
Bit of warning, the fall asleep game does not make you impervious to other game, its like rock paper scissors, it can beat some game, and it gets beat by some other, but more times than not the fall asleep has served me well and as a good friend I figured I'd share.
Au Revoir...
Well when you find yourself in this position, do absolutely nothing... This is called the fall asleep game. Fall asleep... It just like that old stereotype... Take a nap and everything will work itself out by the morning... Now to be clear I do not mean to insinuate that clarity will expose itself in one nights time, but leave it alone, it will all work out.
Example, you're out on a date with one of these really fine professional "post-feminist" types. This pretty much means their ideas on gender equality are fairly hypocritical and generally prone to be antagonistic to you in the beginning. She is much more likely to be an ass even if you pay for everything and are a perfect gentleman because she wants you to know that as an educated black man you really ain't all of that. You go on a date or two, you chat a few times, its cool, but she has the guards up and you can see she is gearing up for a lot of that bullshit. What do you do? Nothing... Not a damn thing, don't be rude but don't feel the need to do anything pro-active. Go on other dates... Basically forget her, it will really be fine. See for the next two weeks when you haven't called she may send you a coy text or something trying to draw you into a conversation where she wants you to ask her out. Don't fall for the bait, how do you answer a "hello" text? "Hi" how do you answer a "How are you?" text, with the ever popular "cool... busy" and walk away... You have answered one text, so you are not bitching at them but if they write back you don't have to answer the others... in fact you don't answer the first text for a few hours anyway so you're not a dick, and you are doing your own thing. In the meantime while they are living their own life they start to go through the math themselves... This is a good dude, he is educated, treated me nice on a date, I was on that bullshit, and now I am not sure if he is really being distant on purpose or if he really is just busy. Since he was nice before I will give him the benefit of the doubt... or not. And here is the great part of the game, instead of paying for more dates and wasting time, the person who is more adaptable to your current goals will self select themselves as the person who calls you back and who doesn't... and when they call you back they have already made the decision to be less of an ass with you so generally they are acting right. And the greatest part of all of this is that you are generally unaware of all the complicated machinations that have gone on because generally you were asleep. You only know it worked when you get the call that seems random out of the blue by that girl you almost forgot about except this time she seems so much nicer now. It's the greatest.
The fall asleep game doesn't just work on women, it is perfectly applicable to men. the internal machinations are different but what the hell do you care because when you wake up the shit is working out right. And it works for whatever your goal is... this is not just about getting a relationship, or getting ass, it is just a fairly effective training tool. The basic premises is that most people spend too much time being game theorists and trying to think everything out. Usually, if they are just chill its not so high stress and the fall asleep game is not necessary. But if they are always trying to work an angle, ignore their ass and let them either get in or get out. See its great, you want a low key dinner partner, just only answer them if there is a request for dinner, they will figure it out if they can handle it. You want them to stop fronting... It comes through if they are the type that can do it.
I know, I know, you don't believe it can be that easy. Converts to the fall asleep game only come through experience. But realize when you are too worried about what some person is thinking and what they are doing next the fall asleep game may be happening on you.
Bit of warning, the fall asleep game does not make you impervious to other game, its like rock paper scissors, it can beat some game, and it gets beat by some other, but more times than not the fall asleep has served me well and as a good friend I figured I'd share.
Au Revoir...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The Wright Response...
I have been spending the day trying to wrap my mind around the Barack Obama Jeremiah Wright situation...
It's tough, but one thing that has become evident is that this issue exposes a lot of fault lines in the black community. As much as we talk about the diversity in the Black community we don't actually discuss the differences in the things that make up the Black experience while judging which aspects are valid and if there is a right answer.
My impressions are this... Too often young negroes too easily dismiss the struggles of older African Americans, but also many times too many young successful negroes don't recognize the struggles that were truly matters of age and those that are matters of income. It kills me to hear the judgmental rants about why couldn't Reverend Wright just keep his mouth shut which leads to the eternal question of whether or not the election of Barack Obama is a definite "good."
The underlying question is how much of a person's racial identity must they renounce in order to become President? and the follow up being at what point is it too much to give up? Now I do not believe this is a major question for Barack because his Black identity is a fairly new thing that is not fundamentally a part of who he is, it is an intellectual cloak he put on and can change for one that fits him better which may indeed be this "post racial" Tiger Woods being.
But I am negro, son of slave, and I believe in White Supremacy. Does that make me anti American? Does that make me a conspiracy theorist? Does not my education and intellect lend credence to what I believe or is believing something that is so far from what the mainstream is willing to accept nullify all of my years of schooling and the book that I have read? I mean if we are fair, arguments for God sound ridiculous. Especially if you state them like Bill Maher.
But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, the facts of what I have seen in the world make it easy for me. Just like I can believe that certain acts of fundamental racism are possible, even if some are more likely than others. I am bothered by the belief that this makes me irrational. I am bothered by the fact that when faced with the Tuskegee experiment, cointelpro, the bombing of black wall street, agent orange, and the Iran contra fiasco that it could so easily be called ridiculous that an agency of the government was using AIDS against the Black community. See you can't have it both ways... You can't acknowledge the "wrongs" of the past without seeing that there was a point when everything that was proven to have occurred was at one point considered as ridiculous as this argument.
But that is just it, some things are real, some things are not, but we have to be careful with what we belittle, especially when it comes from an experience that is not like our own. And that is the issue with the so-called Black Experience, the young bougie experience is different from the young poor, depending on how you got to older upper middle class, your perspective can be different. The civil rights era icons are different from the reagan era Blacks, and this is not dealing with the differences between Black Americans, West Indians, or Africans, much less the individual countries inside the larger groups.
Jeremiah Wright once said that "Your Perspective determines your Perception." Mine as the grandson of a Baptist Pastor, and the son of a Black intellectual has me currently quite dismayed. I know the argument that I should make. I know the right thing to say, but when dealing with the complexities of the racial discussion and emotions caused by this entire fiasco there is only one thought that comes to mind.
God...
Damn...
America...
It's tough, but one thing that has become evident is that this issue exposes a lot of fault lines in the black community. As much as we talk about the diversity in the Black community we don't actually discuss the differences in the things that make up the Black experience while judging which aspects are valid and if there is a right answer.
My impressions are this... Too often young negroes too easily dismiss the struggles of older African Americans, but also many times too many young successful negroes don't recognize the struggles that were truly matters of age and those that are matters of income. It kills me to hear the judgmental rants about why couldn't Reverend Wright just keep his mouth shut which leads to the eternal question of whether or not the election of Barack Obama is a definite "good."
The underlying question is how much of a person's racial identity must they renounce in order to become President? and the follow up being at what point is it too much to give up? Now I do not believe this is a major question for Barack because his Black identity is a fairly new thing that is not fundamentally a part of who he is, it is an intellectual cloak he put on and can change for one that fits him better which may indeed be this "post racial" Tiger Woods being.
But I am negro, son of slave, and I believe in White Supremacy. Does that make me anti American? Does that make me a conspiracy theorist? Does not my education and intellect lend credence to what I believe or is believing something that is so far from what the mainstream is willing to accept nullify all of my years of schooling and the book that I have read? I mean if we are fair, arguments for God sound ridiculous. Especially if you state them like Bill Maher.
But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, the facts of what I have seen in the world make it easy for me. Just like I can believe that certain acts of fundamental racism are possible, even if some are more likely than others. I am bothered by the belief that this makes me irrational. I am bothered by the fact that when faced with the Tuskegee experiment, cointelpro, the bombing of black wall street, agent orange, and the Iran contra fiasco that it could so easily be called ridiculous that an agency of the government was using AIDS against the Black community. See you can't have it both ways... You can't acknowledge the "wrongs" of the past without seeing that there was a point when everything that was proven to have occurred was at one point considered as ridiculous as this argument.
But that is just it, some things are real, some things are not, but we have to be careful with what we belittle, especially when it comes from an experience that is not like our own. And that is the issue with the so-called Black Experience, the young bougie experience is different from the young poor, depending on how you got to older upper middle class, your perspective can be different. The civil rights era icons are different from the reagan era Blacks, and this is not dealing with the differences between Black Americans, West Indians, or Africans, much less the individual countries inside the larger groups.
Jeremiah Wright once said that "Your Perspective determines your Perception." Mine as the grandson of a Baptist Pastor, and the son of a Black intellectual has me currently quite dismayed. I know the argument that I should make. I know the right thing to say, but when dealing with the complexities of the racial discussion and emotions caused by this entire fiasco there is only one thought that comes to mind.
God...
Damn...
America...
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Conundrumming...
So one of my old friends just got engaged and I got to kick it with his fiance for the first time, we all meet out in the street, I catch them on my 3rd stop, and it is a night full of fun, right? Nope not right... why? Cause she had her tittie ALL the way out.
Now don't get me wrong, I like titties, I would even go as far as to say that I love titties, however its uncomfortable when my boy's fiance has all her breasts on display. Now part of it is my weakness. See I have an issue with titty meat. I make bad decisions if I am tempted by seeing too much titty meat. See titty meat is the bare breast looking almost like it is in its natural habitat. It is seeing the uncommonly public parts of the breast, generally free to have a little jiggle. I am certain this is quite juvenile, but it is what it is...
Anyway, so I am stuck out with my boys fiance exposing so much titty meat and I am trying to not be impolite. I even had to cut off my drinking for the night to make sure I acted right. But for real, what is up with that? I mean is there a good reason for your fiance to come on the town with her titties ALL the way out. I mean I don't think I am a super prude but daaaaamn. So here I am uncomfortable, because in general a major part of my relationship with dude is appreciating titties, just usually not his titties and thus the uncomfortability. So I wonder, what is the line? I mean at what point is looking but not touching acceptable amongst friends. Do I have to go in the corner and sit on my hands? I just don't know what is right...
Now don't get me wrong, I like titties, I would even go as far as to say that I love titties, however its uncomfortable when my boy's fiance has all her breasts on display. Now part of it is my weakness. See I have an issue with titty meat. I make bad decisions if I am tempted by seeing too much titty meat. See titty meat is the bare breast looking almost like it is in its natural habitat. It is seeing the uncommonly public parts of the breast, generally free to have a little jiggle. I am certain this is quite juvenile, but it is what it is...
Anyway, so I am stuck out with my boys fiance exposing so much titty meat and I am trying to not be impolite. I even had to cut off my drinking for the night to make sure I acted right. But for real, what is up with that? I mean is there a good reason for your fiance to come on the town with her titties ALL the way out. I mean I don't think I am a super prude but daaaaamn. So here I am uncomfortable, because in general a major part of my relationship with dude is appreciating titties, just usually not his titties and thus the uncomfortability. So I wonder, what is the line? I mean at what point is looking but not touching acceptable amongst friends. Do I have to go in the corner and sit on my hands? I just don't know what is right...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Melancholy
So I was e-stalking on myspace or facebook and I saw this picture of this girl. She was stunning, like truly, I had to take a closer look. I wasn't even sure she was real... Of course when I took the closer look at the picture she had a huge bleached out spot on her arm that was sort of like a huge reverse birthmark. That in a nutshell is how it is... There is always that smack of reality that stops anyone from being perfect. The girl of your dreams always decides on day to shave her head, or to quit her job, or become a vegan, or some type of bullshit that fucks up fantasy land, that forces you to deal with the fact that she is not the person that you want her to be.
One of my boys sent an email about cheating on your wife to a list I am on with a bunch of married cats. One of the engaged cats basically wrote back that he was sick of dating and hollering at chicks and how with each conversation he has with a woman that doesn't mean anything to try and get some ass "a little part of him dies." He spoke the truth. I will tell you, my dream in a relationship is to fast forward to the easy parts. I hate having to pretend that I am always nice, that she never gets on my nerves, that she is never a bitch... Of course she is a bitch sometimes, and I am an ass, but in the end I want to be here. But instead I am in the street having the same conversation time and time again with different people to no end result. Hell I don't even try to sleep with most of these women, its just the game "I just play it to play it." (Jigga) And that gets me to the part that I hate the most. Sometimes even I get caught up and complain about the game. I will be calling it like I see it and I will have a woman try to argue me down. Where it mostly comes down is about whether or not spending money makes it easier to have female "friends," I say the money helps, obviously my female friends always say that the answer is no, we can't really settle this because I think you are lying. (side note, yes I suck, I do believe that women will lie in a heart beat to win an argument, that is why first person sources are completely illegitimate.) What is the point of this? not much, it is just my general feelings now... ie malaise...
One of my boys sent an email about cheating on your wife to a list I am on with a bunch of married cats. One of the engaged cats basically wrote back that he was sick of dating and hollering at chicks and how with each conversation he has with a woman that doesn't mean anything to try and get some ass "a little part of him dies." He spoke the truth. I will tell you, my dream in a relationship is to fast forward to the easy parts. I hate having to pretend that I am always nice, that she never gets on my nerves, that she is never a bitch... Of course she is a bitch sometimes, and I am an ass, but in the end I want to be here. But instead I am in the street having the same conversation time and time again with different people to no end result. Hell I don't even try to sleep with most of these women, its just the game "I just play it to play it." (Jigga) And that gets me to the part that I hate the most. Sometimes even I get caught up and complain about the game. I will be calling it like I see it and I will have a woman try to argue me down. Where it mostly comes down is about whether or not spending money makes it easier to have female "friends," I say the money helps, obviously my female friends always say that the answer is no, we can't really settle this because I think you are lying. (side note, yes I suck, I do believe that women will lie in a heart beat to win an argument, that is why first person sources are completely illegitimate.) What is the point of this? not much, it is just my general feelings now... ie malaise...
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
And then, the other shoe drops...
So last night I got stuck in a shitty conversation... Like real shitty... so I figured I'd vent, basically part of my life is basically like Hitch, had a fucked up interaction though not like the movie thing and sort of "adapted" for the future.
I wont say that I have turned off emotion but I am cautious. As a general rule I try my best not to hold the sins of the past against the present and the future but I got caught up because I was sort of asked not to hold the sins of the past against the perpetrator.
Like the whole set up is complicated, basically we were good friends, thought about the transistion into more than friends, I saw certain conversations one way, she swears she didn't, it came to a head we fell out the end. Five, yeah that's right FIVE, years later she comes back and basically states that she made the wrong choice, would have made a different decision if she had it to do over, and that she really wants her best friend back because I was her best friend and she doesn't even DO best friends. Mind you, all of this comes up at 1:00am, on IM... fucking great.
Basically our shit fucked up because of a mix of youth and bullheadedness and all types of other bullshit, and it prolly wouldn't have worked and I can understand that, however I was FUCKED UP, I mean really... Not because the shit didn't work but because of how the shit didn't work. I mean damn, if my "best friend" told me that they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I didn't feel the same I would handle with care. I mean how can you truly believe that someone gives that much of a fuck about you when they basically shut you down cold and give you a mean ass bullshit answer that makes you feel like the entirety of your connection, romantic or not was completely in your own head. Then after all of that to come to you earnestly and ask you to drop the cynicism and be their sweet and wonderful best friend again.
The arrogance.... First, let's face it, life is hard, I have a long string of things that have led to my cynical perspective, her being one of them, yet she feels comfortable enough to ask me to drop it all because she happens to be lonely, or reminiscing or something. Basically it sucks because I am dropped back into thought that I don't really want to be in, and it makes me cast a critical eye at all of my current interactions because shit just doesn't fit... But I hate being HERE... Or the fact that I could even still get here over shit like this, or that I amy have to answer some dumb ass questions about the fact that this was my reaction, or whatever... it's not important enough to me to try and set the record straight, but for a moment.... damn its just the nerve of some folks... shit...
I wont say that I have turned off emotion but I am cautious. As a general rule I try my best not to hold the sins of the past against the present and the future but I got caught up because I was sort of asked not to hold the sins of the past against the perpetrator.
Like the whole set up is complicated, basically we were good friends, thought about the transistion into more than friends, I saw certain conversations one way, she swears she didn't, it came to a head we fell out the end. Five, yeah that's right FIVE, years later she comes back and basically states that she made the wrong choice, would have made a different decision if she had it to do over, and that she really wants her best friend back because I was her best friend and she doesn't even DO best friends. Mind you, all of this comes up at 1:00am, on IM... fucking great.
Basically our shit fucked up because of a mix of youth and bullheadedness and all types of other bullshit, and it prolly wouldn't have worked and I can understand that, however I was FUCKED UP, I mean really... Not because the shit didn't work but because of how the shit didn't work. I mean damn, if my "best friend" told me that they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I didn't feel the same I would handle with care. I mean how can you truly believe that someone gives that much of a fuck about you when they basically shut you down cold and give you a mean ass bullshit answer that makes you feel like the entirety of your connection, romantic or not was completely in your own head. Then after all of that to come to you earnestly and ask you to drop the cynicism and be their sweet and wonderful best friend again.
The arrogance.... First, let's face it, life is hard, I have a long string of things that have led to my cynical perspective, her being one of them, yet she feels comfortable enough to ask me to drop it all because she happens to be lonely, or reminiscing or something. Basically it sucks because I am dropped back into thought that I don't really want to be in, and it makes me cast a critical eye at all of my current interactions because shit just doesn't fit... But I hate being HERE... Or the fact that I could even still get here over shit like this, or that I amy have to answer some dumb ass questions about the fact that this was my reaction, or whatever... it's not important enough to me to try and set the record straight, but for a moment.... damn its just the nerve of some folks... shit...
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Commute
Today I had to put my car in the shop, the shop which is unfportunately all the way on the other side of the city from where I work. So what this means is that I am forced to wake up at a completely ungodly hour and trek across the city on the way to work on the bus. Shit, I hate the bus, this here trip is bearable for one reason only and that is that it is spring break in the city right now and therefore the morning buses are not packed with 8 million loud mouthed teenagers trying to be cool/ hard. Anyway as I take the bus all of a sudden the bus just pulls over. Why? You may ask... Well aparently the driver is off and the new driver is late and so we just wait on the street and apparently this is all normal. The thing that keeps coming back to me is that we often forget how shitty of a life we expect the "others" to accept and not bitch about. The chasm between the haves and have nots would cause much more outrage, I believe if we were ever actually forced to see one another. It is precisely this out of site out of mind perspective that allows us sometimes to get lost in our little bougie snow globes and get convinced that we or someone we know could possibly know EVERYBODY underlying statement being everybody that "matters."
This brings me to where we currently are in the Obama campaign, Rev. Jeremiah Wright is being called out on statements that he made that middle America (white) is saying is so radical. People are questioning how could people as successful as the Obama's feel anything but undying pride in America. They proceeded to go on and call things that Blacks consider to be fairly normal completely crazy and out of the mainstream, but then again Black America is out of sight and out of mind in America...
This brings me to where we currently are in the Obama campaign, Rev. Jeremiah Wright is being called out on statements that he made that middle America (white) is saying is so radical. People are questioning how could people as successful as the Obama's feel anything but undying pride in America. They proceeded to go on and call things that Blacks consider to be fairly normal completely crazy and out of the mainstream, but then again Black America is out of sight and out of mind in America...
Monday, March 3, 2008
Fill in the Blank...
So basically in relationships I find I have a tendancy to fill in the blanks. Basically when I am dating someone they start off as my ideal (If they are on the marriage track.) What that means is that they are perfect and so I assume their response to anything would be the ideal. Obviously that is not the case, but that is how I look at it. This does lead to problems as every situation we have not encountered is a blank I fill in with my ideal response. The problem is that when reality does not match the ideal there is a let down, an realistically most times the reality does not match the ideal.
Obviously this leads to problems because reality is never that pretty. And even though I know this it never solves the problem that comes with the letdown. But what to do? Because honestly there is nothing I love more than that period of time when a woman is perfect. That is the absolute greatest time in the world for me, dates are perfect I "know" how she will react to every circumstance and it is absolutely perfect. She has so much grace and class, yet she is fun and serious at the same time, and definitely not annoying in the slightest. I know that this is insane, I do, it makes no sense at all.
But basically that is my conundrum, whatever I don't know when I like you I give you the benefit of the doubt and you become perfect. Damn pedastals and what not, and to my vicitims in the future I apologize for filling in the blanks. But I have found that reality is not always that much of a let down... and that's what I look for.
Obviously this leads to problems because reality is never that pretty. And even though I know this it never solves the problem that comes with the letdown. But what to do? Because honestly there is nothing I love more than that period of time when a woman is perfect. That is the absolute greatest time in the world for me, dates are perfect I "know" how she will react to every circumstance and it is absolutely perfect. She has so much grace and class, yet she is fun and serious at the same time, and definitely not annoying in the slightest. I know that this is insane, I do, it makes no sense at all.
But basically that is my conundrum, whatever I don't know when I like you I give you the benefit of the doubt and you become perfect. Damn pedastals and what not, and to my vicitims in the future I apologize for filling in the blanks. But I have found that reality is not always that much of a let down... and that's what I look for.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
One Way Magic
Sometimes when you are dating, you go out with someone, and it is sort of awkward... I mean its not bad, but its not really good, you sort of have made it through the date and while you figure that you could be friends you figure that you wont be friends because you met on a date as opposed to a friend type setting. So its all good, it's no harm no foul, you're not mad at paying because its basically they are good people just not the one for you. It's all good right? Well not so much, because now, you have left and you are planning to give the 'hey it was fun, we should do this again' text fully expecting them to give you a similarly vague response when they hit you back with the 'definitely, how about tomorrow?'
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
This my friends is the phenomenon that I call one way magic... It sucks, its basically where you had a passable or bad time on a date and someone else had them sparks. The shit is scary because not only are you now in an unrequited love situation but you have to believe the other person is crazy because hell you were on the date and you don't see how anyone could have thought that it was all of that. The bigger issue of course is what to do? How do you successfully manage a one way magic situation? Hell I don't know. What I do know is that the shit is incredibly awkward.
I mean damn have you ever tried to have a dissuasion convo with someone who was convinced that they loved you? It's nuts because one of the facts of one way magic is that the person that is in love with you does not know you. They sort of just fast forward through the fact that they want to get married and start a steakhouse with you even though you are a vegan. They sort of fast forward through the fact that you are in no way compatible. And please for the love of God, (and yes this is more of a male thing,) don't sleep with the one way magic person. That sets shit completely off the deep end. All of a sudden all rationality is out of the window because even if you could only perform for 7 seconds they will have come 3 times. There are no wins in this shit... Basically the best advice I can give is leave before it becomes fatal attraction. or test at the end of the date how someone feels so you just don't call afterwords, because once you get involved in one way magic there is only one way for it to end, and that is ugly. Either you are ugly, or the situation gets ugly. either way, if you try to stay positive like I do, it sucks...
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
This my friends is the phenomenon that I call one way magic... It sucks, its basically where you had a passable or bad time on a date and someone else had them sparks. The shit is scary because not only are you now in an unrequited love situation but you have to believe the other person is crazy because hell you were on the date and you don't see how anyone could have thought that it was all of that. The bigger issue of course is what to do? How do you successfully manage a one way magic situation? Hell I don't know. What I do know is that the shit is incredibly awkward.
I mean damn have you ever tried to have a dissuasion convo with someone who was convinced that they loved you? It's nuts because one of the facts of one way magic is that the person that is in love with you does not know you. They sort of just fast forward through the fact that they want to get married and start a steakhouse with you even though you are a vegan. They sort of fast forward through the fact that you are in no way compatible. And please for the love of God, (and yes this is more of a male thing,) don't sleep with the one way magic person. That sets shit completely off the deep end. All of a sudden all rationality is out of the window because even if you could only perform for 7 seconds they will have come 3 times. There are no wins in this shit... Basically the best advice I can give is leave before it becomes fatal attraction. or test at the end of the date how someone feels so you just don't call afterwords, because once you get involved in one way magic there is only one way for it to end, and that is ugly. Either you are ugly, or the situation gets ugly. either way, if you try to stay positive like I do, it sucks...
Monday, February 11, 2008
Where we are...
So for anyone who ahs been looking at the Site I just finished posting my favorite old blogs so you can have an idea of who I am... From this point on it is new stuff.... Fairly random and sometimes all over the place, but that is why its called pontificating randomly.
peace and love.
peace and love.
Settle Game 3/12/07
So this weekend I was doing one of my myspace hobbies which was blog surfing. I love blog surfing, just because you can see what random people are thinking. Of course as usually I bumped into the long diatribe of men vs. women blogs and I was struck by one very sad question. What is the deal with all of these college educated woman dating dude's that ain't about SHIT.?!?
I mean really, you will be reading a long and this girl has a master's and a job and is pretty much holding it down, talking about she needs to date a dude that can hold a job for more than 6 weeks. Huh? Talking about how she need a dude that wears more than White T's... Wha? Talking about how they need they dude to shape up and not be the type to embarrass them at a work function.
Ok, so the question is where the fuck are y'all girls hanging out/ Hell I know everyone ain't lawyers, and everyone don't like lawyers, but come on there has got to be some middle ground between Harvard and Harold Washington College. I mean shit. I know the statistics but if you are telling me that a woman with a master's degree can't do any better than a high school drop out I have got to say bullshit. Being flexible means your college degree with some college and a job. Your Masters with college. Schools that are ranked differently. But when your standards are low enough to just say someone who is not going to show their natural ass in front of your boss, I think you are setting yourself up for long term disappointment.
I mean its surreal. I go to spot after spot and I swear it seems to me like the Million Man march in that club. And yeah some of the dudes are corny, and some are assholes, but hell, they are working. They know how to use a fork. They can read. That has got to be better that what some of these women say they are dealing with. And yeah I have heard the whole "educated black men are too difficult, too arrogant." I say that is the same type of bullshit like educated black women are too difficult. Man up. Here is a fact, I know quite a few brothers that started dating their current girl planning to just run through it and be done. But no, shorty had that master strategy. Through a combination of subtle punches and counter punches they tamed some of the mightiest egos out. Basically they put the work in for what they wanted. Not saying y'all all got to want the same thing, but if you really wanted a dude on your level you could make that happen. It's like the Art of War, most battles are won and lost before you step on the field. So stop whining about people being difficult and step your game up, or maybe you're the one that doesn't belong here... (just a thought).
Basically I guess my question is what happened to the middle ground, why is it that people seem to always want perfection, but when they decide to settle its all about the first cute smile. and honestly it's not just the blogs that put this in my face. It's about the fact that I know with any girl I meet before I can give her too serious of a thought I have GOT to see her exes. No matter what she is saying right now, if I am too different from her exes then we just prolly aint going to work. Now this is not meaning your ex had to go to an Ivy or law school. Not at all, But basically, if all you normally date are dumb wack thugs, and your favorite date is usually cruising around stony island on those dubs, and smokin one, then we just ain't going to make it. If we have no similarities personally in how we kick it. See I got boys who haven't finished college but we are still very similar. That I can deal with more than a dude who has the exact same degrees as me, but is just funadamentally different. The fact is that some people are just mutually exclusive. You can't really like me and like him, so my thought is that if you used to date a couple of hims that you can't like me. The same thing is true with women. If all of your man's exes are quiet and demure, and you are (let me say) vibrant and opinionated chances are y'all are not going to work out unless he had his 'come to jesus' moment.
The issue is that at some point there has to be some sort of pattern recognition. You can't keep running around bitching because McDonald's isn't serving you a dry aged Prime Ribeye. You need to figure out you are in the wrong restuarant. and if you can't afford the other restaurant, then maybe that ain't what you want. But it doesn't mean you gotta go back to bitching about McDonalds, it just means that maybe you should check out that hot mid priced restaurant. Basically figure out where you want to be and then figure out how to make that shit happen, cause forcing these wack relationships to work if you are lucky will just end you up in divorce court or miserable, if you are unlucky you will only get that trip to the BMC, and I know you don't want that.
That BMC 3/1/07
Those that know me have heard me bitch about one of the BAINS of my job which is known as "Baby Momma Court." (* Warning while this is not meant to be offensive to any single parents I really can't tell what makes people catch feelings, but dammit, if you act like some of these bastards you need some get right) Now for those of you that don't know, there is an entire separate building for child support issues with people have who children out of wedlock. If you were married it's handled in the Daley center, if not we go to Baby Momma Court. Now let me tell you. Baby Momma court is the MOST HORRIBLE Court in the World. Let me tell you that shit is like real life Muary Povich and Jerry Springer together. The DNA results, the fights, shit is crazy. The sad thing is that there are some cases that are important, some times the courts are what is necessary for the best interests of the childs, unfortunately those days are few and far between. As for the issues... its just a few points.
1. The people in Baby momma court were usually in relationships. See what I have found is that the hit it and quit it accidental preganancies usually don't go to court. The dude usually doesn't know he has a kid and the woman is not mad so she figures why fuck with dude. He ain't got shit, and the last thing I want is some dude fucking with me on my child's birthday. However what this means is that almost all the cases in Baby Momma Court are Highly Emotional which means they last ALL FUCKING DAY. and the problem is that this shit ain't law. There is no form of evidence in existence that can determine who should get the lil bastard THIS weekend. Absolutely None. so that means we have to come to an agreement which means I am stuck in that mutha for HOURS. Also the fact that people are in relationships means that they are MAD. I mean completely pissed off. This bothers me because someone comes in talking about how completely the other isn't shit. My response (to myself) usually being "well you were the one fucking them so obviously you thought they had something." However discretion says I keep that to myself. Nonetheless, you know that the only reason your ass is paying so much money to ahve me fight with this chick/ dude is because you are mad they are with someone else. Hell that is when 90% of the cases start, when the baby momma or daddy got a new one. it's like "Oh shit, you replacing me, I'ma take your ass to court for visitation."
2. People don't realise that Court is an all or nothing deal. Once yo ass comes to court talking about his drug problem and her whoring, all the professionals involved know that neither of you should really have the damn kid, but we can't really do that. Still people will fight and fight and sling all types of mud, and then when you start doing an actual agreement which spells out EVERYTHING down to what car you can use to pick the kids up and the exact zone of time for kids to be dropped off and notice for any deviiation of plans as well as emergencies people start bitching about how they are grown and dont need the court in their shit. No, yo ass is not grown, grown folks could figure out visitation without having me argue about the fact that you don't want his new wife to talk to your child EVER. and how he needs to take off work to pick the child up for visitation because you don't want to meet that new Bitch. Or how we have two parents who purposely scheduled birthday parties for the kid at the same time to fuck each other over. It's plain tiring. So since you are on that duymb shit we have to spell out EVERY DAMN THING in the order. Of course this is problematic too.
3. Because once a lot of these bastards get a court order they want to run to the police for every violation. Now yes, police can enforce court orders, however, if dude is 15 minutes late dropping off the child have the police come over and drag the child away from their father is NEVER a good idea. People are severly fucking up their kids because they want to call the police everytime a provision of the court order gets violated. Let me explain, this is why we have court, you need to file a rule to show cause. What's that, don't want to pay $1000 in legal fees to fuck with your ex over the child watching television a little late when they called first? Then leave that shit the fuck alone... Damn....
4. A few answers to questions: No I can't make him visit his child. No you can't withould visitiation because he isn't paying child support. No locking up a person paying child support is never a good idea because they will likely lose their job. No, I can't make her itemize what she spends your money on. No, that sex tape you have of her is not going to get you custody. Hell your ass is in it with her. Dumb ass, please tell me that you did not demand she take a drug test when you are still getting high your damn self and you used to get high together. Order of Protection are not toys.
5. Make sure that is your damn kid. I wish I could explain the number of times a dude has come in their ready to fight for custody and what not just to find out after the blood test that it aint his. Sadder still is that the judges barely flinch. It's like, "sucker, should've checked before you started paying that loot. You knew you didn't know where she was most nights."
6. Other thing is what is the deal with folks have babies with these UGLY muthafuckas. I mean i don't want to be mean and everyone is beautiful is Jesus's eyes, but shit. some couples you sit there and wonder what the hell happened? I mean how did we get here? Its nuts. It's like all the other craziness gets amplified because the basic shit doesn't make sense. Like how did we get here. But hey no judgment.
Now with all of this, is there any wonder that the kids are FUCKED UP. Be damn adults. I respect my friends who do what they have to do, they have kids but they take care of their kids realising that if the other dude is trifiling, while they may want them to act better, there is nothing positive to come from dragging everyone in and out of court over dumb shit. They also realise that there is no point putting your kids in the middle of your shit. I mean being a parent isn't easy but its easy to tell when you are thinking about your child and when you are not. And that count for Mother's fighting the broke ass father for his $40 a month as well as the Father who really needs to consider stepping back a little. If you are not married, there is a limit to how much you can both be equal parents for the child. They can know you but sometimes stability is important. Once parties start getting married if your ass is stopping the step father/ mother from taking "your child" to disney world with the rest of their family you aint shit. There I said it... After all if the mother or father really is trifling, the kid will figure it out. Trust...
Big Momma's House 2/20/07
So I have been seeing a lot of blogs, diatribes, articles, etc. lambasting Eddie Murphy's new movie Norbit. Now its not that I did not expect to get a few protests, but I guess I expected people to protest because it is ass ignorant, not as the final straw in the attack on overweight black woman and standards of beauty. I have seen personal testimonies of women identifying with Eddie's big female character as a person with feelings and either connecting with her in a sense of solidarity, or standing proudly because she is so out there and confident and cheering her own. In my opinion, all of that is bullshit.
I know and I believe in the effects of the history of slavery and racism and I believe in the affects of a paternalistic society and the so-called european standards of beauty, but what I say to most of my sisters who got caught up in this is to relax, because you are not as you are seeing yourself. It stresses me out when I see a woman who is dark skinned and medically considered to be overweight to consider herself to be like "Mo'Nique." It just ain't so. (Full discosure, I'm not a Mo'Nique fan, particularly the so-called positive and self affirming crap she tries to pass off to legitmize her comedy to be more than just jokes) Even though they both played Effie, Jennifer Hudson is not the same as Jennifer Holiday. And furthermore, please believe that the major reason that Jennifer Holiday did not "make it" was not because of her size but because she was exceedingly arrogant and evil. After all, she is not big now and yet she is not a star. Yeah, size and image do matter, it is why Jennifer Lopez will always outsell Kelly Price, but remember we are talking about pop music and fantasies, and this is not about reality it's about popularity. i know that people have this issue with these big black women being the source of so much comedy, but realistically, that is the rest of the reason why I am not a monique fan. Hell why I am not a fan of too much public cooning in general (private cooning is alright.) Once you have too many people living the stereotype why isn't it fair game to laugh at? To me, jokes about brothers liking a big ass is funny because even though not universally true, the popularity of Buffy the Body shows that some cats are on that next level shit. So as long as you are finding 300 lb women trying to be stripping in the club, and being stereotypically "sassy" why would hollywood not make the jokes that everyone else is making?
Which leads me to the main source of my confusion, which is why so many intelligent sisters I know not only fight to be indentified as less attractive than they are, but then they fight because this less attractive manifestation of womanhood is not being objectified. It reminds me of a blog that my homegirl Le'Keisha wrote about the big boned sisters versus the skinny sisters. Stop the fucking madness. We all have a weight to carry with how we look, and depending on that image we have more or less work to do with how we behave and who we are to fill the gap between how we are precevied and how we want to be perceived. Just because I would rather see a woman of a certain size doing a tip drill in a video doesn't mean I am any more likely to be seen in public with her.
Hell the most offensive thing I think I heard in a while was a woman that told me that while I may have been upset because this high school drop out woman with four kids asked me out, she KNOWS that if the woman was more attractive I would have gladly rolled with it. Get off of that shit. Fine people get played too, pretty people getting shitted on all of the time, but because no one identifies with them, because they don't even identify themselves as one of the fortunate, no one feels sorry for them. No instead people like me have to get lambasted because they think its utterly ridiculous to have a 400 pound woman doing a split on national television talking about she is sexy. There is a very wide line between being confident enough to not let your image set your worth, and being delusional enough to think that your self worth is equal to your worth to others. Hell to play along and cheer that to me is what is really cruel. It's just like patting that illiterate teenager on the head as he says he's going to be a doctor when he grows up without someone telling him that he is going to have to learn to read.
Basically the point is, that someone who can't tell the difference between an heavier Black Woman with a PHD and Big Momma is racist... You don't need to claim all that...
Fighting the Good Fight 2/24/07
To go on the list of things that I thought that everybody knew but apparently they don't.
It's not what you say, it's how (and when) you say it.
What do I mean? well it's like this... sometimes when people are in relationships they have disagreements, they may argue, they may get a little hysterical, who really knows however sometimes when they are talking all that shit and getting annoyed they are always aware that they do not want to leave their current situation. No matter what they may say. However ladies, I will tell you, before you talk too much shit to some man that is not your Husband or fiance... Take a look in the mirror. Cause if you are not looking good you should keep your mouth shut.
Please believe it, see, as a man, we are basically shallow and short-sighted and so short of a marriage which would cost us money to leave, or an engagement where we have already ponied up for a ring, if you get to talking all that big stressful shit while you are busted, its REAL easy for us to leave. See fact is that most people stay in relationships partially because of the person, but also partially out of a question of how easily can I do better? Can I really get a better you in a minute? If a person believes that the answer is yes, then my good sir or madame you will be gone...
Practically, this means that if you roll up on your man and y'all aint had sex in a while and you don't cook ever, and your hair is undone and you are wearing that old sweatsuit cause you have had a cold for the past three days and you are all swollen and messy. Do not pick this as the time to lambast your man's lack of ambition. You will be alone faster than you can say oops. Hell he don't give no fuck, he can't remember what you used to look like or even what you may look like tomorrow, but right now he knows that he can get someone hotter than you are looking at this exact moment that is not stressing the shit out of him so its an easy decision.
This goes the same way for the dudes though. If you are out with your girl at dinner, and you guys are having a great time, the bill comes, you pick up the check, and your credit card(s) get declined so your girl has to pay. Hey, it's cool, I mean there is no judgment, but just to be safe you better shut the fuck up for the rest of the night. I mean you can't get buck about anything broke ass. I mean straight up, I have never met a woman, and don't expect to meet a woman that is going to allow a man that she has to support to talk shit to her. I don't mean makes more money than, I mean she is supporting your ass. She should claim you on her taxes as a dependant. Guess what? she is not going to treat you as an equal cause you are not her equal... She can afford dinner, You, on the other hand, can not. Equality is all out the door. If its a temporary situation its cool, fix the problem tomorrow and just be cool for the night. If it is a permanent situation, your broke ass needs to go to work because you are too poor to be in a relationship where you are anything other than a "kept" man. Whatever you decide is cool, just don't be surprised if your girl is tossing your shit outside after a minor argument right after you have flexed your poverty for the people.
See, shit has to happen from a position of strength, and trying to pretend like certain things don't exist will not help you get anywhere in this world. So the next time you just feel that pressing need to check your man on some annoying ass habit of his, just run to the bathroom, take off the doo rag, make sure that the shirt you are wearing is not just a cute shirt, but looks cute on you... and maybe throw on some heels to be safe. Unless you really do want to gamble with your situation and if that's the case, Sleet always says Double down...
Annoying Shit 1-11-07
Ok, things that piss me off right, is when people sit around and like co-sign on themselves. I mean, its annoying enough when people spend a lot of time bragging and talking about how hot they are, but no, I am not talking about that, I mean the whole concept of just figuring that you are hot enough and injecting your opinion on bullshit into every conversation.
I can't stand when wack people try to tell you someplace is hot, or not.. Why the hell would I care what your opinion is on the matter? I mean honestly, your ass goes out about twice a month, you know who you came in the damn club with, and you are going to expect me to take your call on what the hot spot is? man shut yo ass up.
Or when people call me up asking what's going on? Look, I can give you a list of shit, or I can tell you some spots, but basically all I can offer is liquor and music. I can't tell you what the crowd is like, I can't promise that you are going to have one of the 7 best times you have ever had in your life, I just can't do it. But no, some people expect you are giving them a full throated endorsement whenever you say a place. Look, this needs to be understood very clearly. We can be in the same place at the same time but not have the same time. It depends on what you consider to be a good time. See I don't go to too many clubs where I don't know the people throwing it and therefore know a fair amount of the crowd, but realistically the part of the crowd I know are the alcoholic cats that kick it all the damn time that I met while we were being the 15 people in the bar on a Tuesday. So yeah I basically have a good enough time whenever I go out because except for special occasions I don't stretch. This means once again I can't tell you if somethings going to be hot.
This also means that I don't give a fuck what you tell me is hot. Especially if you are not in my circle. I have been around enough to know that we are not all into the same shit. I mean hell some people like Secrets... Some people like Karaoke... some people are cool to dance and don't care if the drinks suck. I am none of those people. It's nothing personal. Wack is relative after all. But this is why we can't all kick it. or vouch for kicking it.
the other part of this pet peeve is when people want to kick it and expect to kick it when they bring nothing to the table. It's like don't expect me to be impressed because you say you like kicking it with me. Particularly depending on when/ where we kicked it. It's like if you were out one of the night we were being assholes and got drunk doing shots with reckless abandon and you ended up nice and drunk and home safe all for free, well who wouldn't enjoy that? That's like saying I had fun when you gave me that free steak and a bottle of scotch. Is that really a surprise that I would like that? the question is what am I doing to make you want to do that again? I mean shit, if you aren't bringing around fine ass girls, or have hook ups at the bar, or plugging me with whatever the hell it is, why would I want to keep spending time or money on you? This is where I hear some dumb ass shit like "cause I'm fun" or cool, or something... Ok, here is the hint, NO you are not that damn cool. You are not that damn fun. Get over yourself. Basically you can't co-sign on yourself that you are worth my time. That shit don't work. I am the only one that can say you are worth it because the question is are you worth it to me... I actually can't believe there are grown ass people who don't understand that.
but alas, there are. They are out, there and they nag the shit out of you about taking them out to kick it like you are the charity drink giver. I mean what part of the game is it where you can call me up to just ask me to trick off money on you and be salty when I'm like "I'll pass" and then even still want to harass me about the next time we are hanging out.
I know this was random ranty and shit but damn....
How to have a first Date 1-7-07
Folks who used to read this for a while know I used to write a lot about bad dates... However, I stopped having so many bad dates by adhering to guidelines but currently I have had more than a few people bitch at me about their bad dates so I figured I'd share some helpful hints that worked for me. I'll prolly address some of the other bad stuff later.
1. Fuck convention. Almost ever bad date I have ever had is steeped somewhere in convention. I don't give a rat's ass if everyone says dinner and whatever is a great date if you don't want to do that shit, don't do it. Nothing is worse than a $150 dinner where the conversation sucked and because you bought all that food you are not even buzzed.
2. Have a safety net for fun. What is a safety net for fun? well it goes along with number 1. I go on dates to bars where I can drink. If I am going to spend $150, I'm going to be fairly twisted so even if you suck I can send you home in a cab (cause you don't want me drunk driving you now do you...) and still pretty much enjoy myself cause I am twisted. If I ahve spent all that money and I am just full, that ain't good enough cause I still had to hear you talk...If we click, its cool, I had fun, you had fun, its all good.
3. Self select. See, when you pick to go on a date to a bar on a Tuesday you have already self selected yourself down to a better sample. See that uptight chick who is going to nag you forever about how you are such a fuck up for going on in the middle of the week and for knowing the names of like 25 different shots, prolly won't come out with you to a bar on Tuesday. The introduction of I am trying to get drunk in the middle of the week kind of tells her something about you, and if she rolls you at least don't have to worry that much about her being uptight. I mean sure there could be other problems, but generally not that she is scared to kick it.
4. If the money is going to bother you, don't go. I know, it seems harsh, but fuck it, when my money is funny I am SHADY. I admit it, but honestly I am not going to have much fun if I have to run a calacultor in my head to make sure I am not embarassed when the bill comes. You would not believe the number of dudes I meet that get to bitchin about being short ofr the month cause they thought they were going to go to the W (home of $14 drinks) and get out for under 40... not happening brother... let it go...
5. Say completely ass ignorant shit early and often. Just so that you can know if they are cool enough to think you are funny, but also so they know you are quite to ridiculous to be considered husband material right now. Just relax, enjoy the liquor, we will deal with all of those other serious questions after I figure out if you annoy the shit out of me or not. After all, why shoudl I waste time finding out your likes and dislikes when all I really need to know is that I could never marry anyone that chews her food like that, or laughs like that... see we all saved time and since you don't know shit about me, no one's invested, I'm just that guy you got drunk with once and we can still be friends...
6. Go directly after work. The other person should have a job, and this way you cut down a fair amount on the likelihood that the other person will be wearing something that is absolutely ridiculous. If they wore something ridiculous and sat through work in it, well you know what you need to know now and if you call them again its your fault. Yup, you are all to blame.
7. don't have multiple phone conversations before the first date. I know you think you are feeling the other person out, but honestly how are you supposed to know if they are lying... you don't know them or their body language at all. That is why the middle of the week after work thing is the greatest. You can see them stutter, search for the bullshit answers they think you want, and whatever, and you don't have to have false expectations that someone is different than they are because their phone game is tight. Not like you are really going to know anyone anyway since 80% of what you learn about someone in the first 3 weeks is complete bullshit. (you can quote me on that one!)
8. Vague is the name of the game. Youa re out with a stranger, why are you telling them all your shit? exactly, there is no reason, just relax, talk about fun shit, talk about dumb shit, do not have deep ass conversations because no one cares. At best its too much information, at worse you are giving them clues about who you are that they use later to fool you into thinking you have a connection. Honestly, no one remembers what they tell people in early date conversation. Even in really GREAT conversations... hell especially in those. Everything is just flowing and if you are just speaking the truth who knows what u said. just keep it light, don't need to know your parents knick names before I know your middle name... ya feel me?
9. Already have your background check done, or at least partially completed... There is nothing worse than that fear that someone you met is cool as hell but they got soooooo many potential dealbreakers out there. Its best to know what you can easily find out as soon as possible. I mean, hell, you know when you met you got the name, school they went to and occupation, better send that through your database and see who knows who you know. If someones rep is too bad, to obviously, why waste anyone's time or money, or play with people's emotions? exactly there is no reason...
All of these rules are basically modifiable to fit your personality. Ie, if you don't like to kick it like that, i wouldn't reccommend Tuesday dates in a bar... I mean that is just me though, but these pretty much assures that all of your dates can get at least partial credit as kicking it excursions even if things don't jump, which is as close to a win win as we get in this game...
Check Um 12/17/06
I go out a fair amount, so I meet a lot of people. Of course I don't recognize/ remember a lot of folks, sometimes I will try to play it off but sometimes I am just too tired to go that far. But what do I hate? I hate when I introduce myself to a dude and his response is "You've met me before." What the hell am I supposed to say in response to that one? I mean who the fuck says something like that without some greater purpose. It is obvious if someone is introducing themselves to you that they don't remember you. what's worse is that you remember them so now you feel insecure because you gave them more thought than they gave you. I get it, it hurts, but damn homie keep that whining shit to yourself.
Which gets to my main point, at some point we got too many whining ass dude in this world, or as I call them Bitch asses... Its a stark hybrid of mal adapters who had a bad reaction to women's liberation. They accepted equal women when it comes to giving up responsiblity but still want to swagger and gain the deference like men of old. Ok, basic point, in the old days, Men got deference because women did not work. The man understood that his job was to make sure everyone could eat and be happy and safe and if that mean he had to have 3 jobs and a heart attack when he was 50 that is what he had to do, cause he was a man. Now a days we live in a whole different world. I mean hey, I understand the whole pimp school "break-a-bitch" mentality... I do, I'm from the Chi I get it, but you have to differentiate between pimping and when you like a chick. You can't expect a woman that you like to take your bullshit and then call her out for expecting to be treated right and not thinking you are stupid... its a bad look.
For instance the whole Gold digger thing is how cats got over. Girls take so much cheap shit so they wont be called a gold digger, yet realistically the fact is that a woman with a good job is naturally going to be more expensive. I mean hell, if you girl is making six figures and y'all go to a restaurant she prolly wont pick the cheapest thing on the menu, cause she can afford what she wants so she will get it. If you can't afford it your dumb ass should have got on the internet before you picked this spot to make sure you could afford it. How you gonna get mad cause the woman thought that you could afford what she could afford? I mean yeah I am an advocate of the fact that there is a difference between buying one meal and two, but when I see cats mad cause the girl didn't order the chicken at the steak house I have to wonder what is wrong with cats.
But its not just dates... the Bitch ass spreads all over. We have a entire generation of whiny ass men who think they are hard. Sensitive thugs, who want you to respect them as MEN while they remain constant fuck ups. Then they want to blame historical discrimination for why they are fuck-ups. Look, I know I am hard on cats, but these are the same sweater wearing fools that run all of these black mentoring programs who teach boys dumb shit like its alright to cry and put forth this image of black man hood which is basically some Tavis Smiley ass fool with razor bumps shirtless holding a baby and reading poetry, while forgetting that your real job is to raise and protect that child and give him a roof and options. The Black child doesn't need hugs. He needs to be able to compete. He needs to understand that no matter how bad a hand you have in life you still have to play it or fold. It's not sentimental, its not even nice, but its real.
Finally my main pet peeve from these cats are the ones that give me the heartfelt conversations about how they are going to stop dating Black women because they are "too difficult." Now I will be the first to tell you that every woman sure ain't worth it, and a lot of these people are not all good. However, can you really expect a woman to defer to you if you would get her pregnant and work to hustle the system to not pay ANY child support? I mean damn, if a woman deferred to half of the dudes she messed with she would be dead depending on those cats. Now realistically this is a 2 way problem. As Katt Williams said, "I suggest you stop fucking with Bitch ass niggas..." so true so very true. Whe the cat you are messing with is just so sensitive to every perceived insult and starts pouting at the drop of a dime you need to reasses what exactly it is you like about dude. I mean honestly, if professional sisters are really that willing to take care of someone holla at your boy if you make enough money... at least I can cook. ;o) My point being that when it comes to "difficult" women, most of them will defer if you step up and prove worthy of the trust. I mean hell most folks regardless of race or gender would love to be taken care of if they know things would work out. The world is big and complex and cold and one less thing to think about is always a good thing. But you can't sign that responsiblty off to someone who can't take it, and unfortunately for some of these dudes out here they need to know that if they want to big piece of chicken, and the big chair in the house, its because everyone knows that if need be you will find away to make the ends meet and if someone threatens the fam you will kill a wild boar with your bear hands. That's the job brother. Yeah being a man sucks, but what you gonna do?
exactly, Man Up... or as I say "Check yo bitch"
Just a Little Algebra 11-27-06
The worse I have ever been cussed out by a woman was when I turned her down for sex. She offered, I said no thanks, and I proceeded to get called all sorts of bitch asses and homos and whatever else you can think of. I figured out that this caused a great offense because of a misconception that women have that in general men will sleep with any woman. That basically men are always ready to go… Well that is not true, in fact the answer to the question of who a man is willing to sleep with is solved by a simple mathematic equation. Without further ado:
(What does the girl Look Like scale 1-10, 10 being finest) * (How Easy is it 10 being Easiest)/ ((Who could find out, 10 being everyone you care about)*(How likely they are to find out, 10 being certain to find out))(factored by the relationship that the man is currently in, 1 being single 5 being married)= sex quotient.
Yeah I know that is a little dense, so basically we will work it out with numbers. On one in the of the spectrum you have a dime piece woman that is offering herself to you in a foreign country that no one you know has ever been or is planning on going and you are single. That looks like this:
(10)*(10)/((1)*(1))1st power=100.0
So basically the man is guaranteed to have sex with this woman. On the other hand if the woman is ugly, and will require 2 years of expensive dates, and back flips and when you finally would get to have sex it would be announced in an email blast on your job and to the promoter list of the parties you go to the most as well as a Youtube feed of the deed being sent to your wife. That equation looks like this:
(1)*(1)/((10)*(10)) 5th power= .0000000001
Basically there is no statistical chance that the man will have sex with this woman. Of course the real world falls somewhere in the middle of all of this doesn't it? And therein lies the problem.
See everywoman that a man knows has a sex quotient, but just knowing a sex quotient isn't enough. First of all because the number is not static. The concept of who can find out and how likely depend on the circumstances involved and can change at any given moment. Ie, while you are in school with someone there might be a high danger of important people finding out, while after you have graduated and if you live in different cities the issue becomes almost nonexistent. Also the factors can change depending on how much of a relationship you are in… Finally, while you can pretty much extrapolate on the extremes the issue is that you never know what sex quotient is the cut off for a particular brother to be driven into action. Basically, a risk adverse or hyper private individual might have a sex quotient of 80, however a grimey cat or a stupid cat might go as low as the teens. You can pretty feel this out approximately where the dude you knows line is though….
Also important is to understand that on some level all dudes do this equation but depending on the intelligence and information available to the dude the Quotient may not be specific. Ie, human error always occurs, a man can overvalue a woman's looks, have a different valuation of the ease of access, or undervalue the potential to be caught which would throw the quotient off. Also there is bad information, ie, if you don't know that your current girls best friend is the line sister of your side chick, your chance of getting caught is much higher than anticipated…
This information though is not just important to catch cheating dudes, but to give women perspective on single dudes. You can't get mad at a dude because your sexual quotient wasn't high enough for him to venture forward. It's not a diss to your womanhood or anything like that, its just mathematics…
Cheat Codes 11-13-06
The scariest thing about going around in the world is when you sit back and you realise exactly how much basic dysfunction most people have in their lives. Not to say that I don't have any because I definitely have my issues, and for the most part I don't begrudge the right of anyone to have their little quirks. I mean basically that is what makes you into an actual person, however, there are certain things that have come to be almost universally accepted as normal in life that makes me figure that I am destined to be on the outside looking in...
One thing that came out to me was being at the John Legend concert. (Side note, that show taught me that there is no musician that I am actually a fan of. Even R. Kelly, I just aint about to scream my head off cause some grown ass man is about to sign a song... naah) Basically at one point in the show John starts talking about his cheating songs, and how he had to cut down on that cause girls will get you back. At this point the women started cheering, which reminded me about the number of women I will hear talking about if their man cheats on them they will cheat back. WTF? That is about the most irrational shit in the world. Maybe its just me but if the person you are in a relationship with cheats on you and you find out, you have two choices, you can stay or you can go. If you stay, that doesn't mean u have a free pass to cheat, if it did, what kind of relationship are you in anyway?
It's like this radio show I was listening to, a woman called in and said that right before she got married, like the week before she bumped into her ex and slept with dude. Now she was wondering if she should tell her man. (Side note 2: my answer to this question is hell no, keep that shit to yourself, but I digress) Anyway people started calling in the radio station talking about how yeah they fall in bed with their ex every now and again even though they got a man, and they don't really see the big deal. Word? So basically, why are these people together? I mean if cheating doesn't matter, and you fight all the time, why are you "together"? I mean you can definitely get sex out of relationships so what's the deal? Its dysfunction, but the problem is that its not just "them" it is the people that you are around everyday.
Finally on the cheating thing they were showing the Today show or something about cheating getting so out of control and the growth industry of detective agencies who will follow your significant other to see if they are cheating... Ok, now this should be easy but just in case I will let you know. If you are at the point that you feel the need to spend your hard earned money on having someone follow your man or your woman around to see if they are cheating, you relationship is already fucked... It really doesn't matter what the detective finds. I mean come on, once you are hiring help you don't trust the person, and well its prolly for a reason, right or wrong, but if you have that little trust your relationship is already broken. Nothing that a detective does or does not find is going to put trust in your set up. And its the trust that is more important than the actual is he or isn't he.
But these are the little differences in expectations that make interactions problematic. If you think something is normal that I think is absolutely insane we will never see eye to eye.
A Conundrum 10/29/06
So i was reading my homegirl Kamilah's great blog about the BBs or the Bitter Bitches, and it reminded me about something that more and more I am beginning to believe is a truth. The reality is that once you have reached a certain age, if you are single, with no prospects, damn near all of the people that know you know WHY you are single. It may not necessarrily be that your personality sucks (though sometimes it is that) it can be something as benign as that you want to be, or you are too focused on something else, but generally most people that have two conversations with you being single with no prospects would not be surprised. Now I am not sure what the cut off age is, but yeah most of us are past it, it is definitely somewhere in the mid 20s range, but anyway once you get to that point you sort of begin to wear your personality more and if you have a dysfunction it is usually front and center.
Of course your real friends love you and they honestly may not see it. I have to believe this because I have known too many women that I honestly believe to be intelligent who have asked, "why is my girl _____ still single?" to which I usually reply "are you fucking kidding?" (at least in my head.) Thing that is worse is that people who don't really know the person but have shorter interactions usually come to the same conclusions in a short period of time, which leads me to think that well it could still just be all of us that is tripping, but... yeah maybe its you.
Of course on the other hand I was having a convo with a friend and we were discussing a mutual friend who I suppose tends to be a bit extra. However, no one has told him that he is a bit extra, and he will get the occasional feedback based off of his resume, so pretty much what he may consider to be a decent batting average is in fact his despite of ranking. It is particularly sad when you realise the people who would have given him a better shot with slight modifications. Yet, no one has bothered to break this down to him. Now I know there are poltical realities where there are certain truths you just don't want to be the one to tell your friends. I mean its one thing to be honest enough to say that your outfit isn't cute, or you have put on a bit too much weight, its a whole other thing to say "yeah you know that personality trait that you think is cool, yeah... you're the only one... Everyone else things that sucks." Just doesn't go over very well. And basically strangers don't have the incentive to really make thie rlife difficult by exposing themselves to all sorts of name calling and the like for trying to help your self improvement.
Of course if both of these things are true, that basically means that everyone knows what's wrong with you, but no one will tell you... Now talk about some shit that is depressing. of course what is the solution... while I am all for re-thinking mean, constructive criticism only works if the person can sort of see the love behind it, and therefore will listen and not get defensive, and honestly that is not the case most of the time now is it. So basically, sad people go through life confused or left to dream about a future that is unfortunately in many cases within their power to achieve just they are at a shortage of self actualization and people that actually give enough of a damn to let them know... The rest of us just kind of get into the pattern of watching the train wrecks occur... That my friends is what we call a conundrum...
Obama in 08 11-04-06
I know tis almost election day and I think you should vote... Particularly for Giannoulias in illinois for Treasurer, but this just came up after reading a few responses to why Obama should not run in 2008.
That being said Obama should run in '08, if for no other reason than because politics is a game and you have to go when you have momentum. If a democrat wins on 08 and Obama is not on the ticket he can't run in '12 because the democrat from his party is going for re-election. In '16 the vice president would be the presumptive nominee which would leave a bruising primary that he may or may not win. If he skipped that race and the Democrat lost in '16 then maybe he would be set for 2020. Of course by that point he would have spent 16 years in the Senate, practically a deathwish for someone running for President (and part of the reason why all the talk about John McCain is nonsensical.) Not to mention that no one remains a superstar for 16 years, at some point you have to choose a side. Factually, Obama is a very smart man who can gain a grasp on the issues but he is not the best politician from any account. He is fond of the quote "Politics ain't beanball" but does he have to stomach for the dirt and knives that come out as you go for the top. Momentum and popularity can deflect a great deal of those things and have him only have to survive a couple of barrages instead sustained attacks, which means he's got to run...
Everyone talks about is Obama ready? Black folks are funny in that way because we are protecting or young star. But that is the mark of greatness, the reason people believe in Obama is that since 1968 America has been Searching for Bobby Kennedy. Somebody young, energetic, with a mix of pragmatic optimism who would lead America to answer its call to greatness. The country has been so thirsty for it they fell for the cheap reincarnations where the rhetoric did not match the reality because the presentation was good, but as they say, the truth sounds different, and to most Americans Obama seems the closest to Bobby. His final challenge, and a necessity if he runs is to break free of the mold of the Washington insiders and embrace the big ideas and grand plan as it seems like he has in the Audacity of Hope. Honestly, if you ever go back and listen to Bobby Kennedy talk then tell me when was the last time you have heard anyone speak like that where you believed them? Where their actions backed it up... and even more when you weren't afraid that the world would destroy them.
That is the legacy of the 60s in my opinion. America lost its innocence and lost its way. The deaths of JFK, MLK, Bobby Kennedy, and Malcolm X showed that it was not enough to be strong and powerful and stand up to the system. That you could be destroyed, you could be silenced, and since then there has been a gap in greatness. After that point and the fiascos of Vietnam and Watergate the best and the brightest turned their energies to making money which led to the corporate cultures and excesses that took over the 80s and 90s, and have led to the moral vacuum that is public life in the 21st century. There is hardly shock anymore when candidates are caught on youtube being the assholes that they are and the general lack of believablity is choking the democracy. It is strictly amazing how many people truly believe that the Republicans will keep control of Congress on Tuesday because the voting machines are fixed, yet we take it because no one really believes that one party is better than the other.
But then there is Obama. The power is that correct or not people who generally hate politicians BELIEVE IN HIM... The cynics are working overtime to prove that he is shady, and just like the rest with a slightly better rap, and it all may be true, but right now the people believe, and America needs that... Even in 2008...
Plus he can win... The country is so polarized that states like New York, Illinois, California, Massachuttes, and Pennsylvania are definitely going Blue. In the current climate he has a stronger possiblity in Ohio and with Bush leaving Florida this year the fix is not in like it once was. Finally in Michigan, Virginia, Nevada, even Iowa are possiblities particularly given that Obama isn't Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton Black. If he pulls Mark Warner as VP it is VERY doable. Harold Ford has shown how much headway you can make with a well run campaign so don't count it out...
Run Obama Run
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