My Relationship Story...

Ok, so constantly I am referred to as being anti-relationship. Anti-girlfriend or some version of this by so many people I know. So once I will try to completely explain my opinion on the subject matter.

The first, and last official girlfriend I had was my sophomore year in high school. She was cute, I didn't like her that much but she wanted to "go with me" and I didn't have shit else to do so I was like "cool." We will talk on the phone, and walk through the hall at school, and people will tell us how cute we are, and I can pretend like I am just so into this person that in reality I thought was a little bit petty, and that I knew had moments of pure insanity like getting in fist fights with her mother. But it was all whatever because I was in a relationship with a cute girl that gave me a little bit of status in the halls and I was down for the cause. Until the end of that very first day of school when I was standing outside with my boy waiting on my newly minted girlfriend so I could walk her to the train or something like that when this other cute girl that I didn't really know rolled up on me. She came at me with the, "hey I don't really know you, but I have been watching you for a few weeks, and I really want to get up with you." WTF? I have been in a relationship one day with a girl who is saying I have to work my way towards winning, and now I have one throwing it at me? What to do, what to do? Well me being an honorable young man who was taught that you do not disrespect your relationship, I played the second girl to the left and was committed to my relationship. Man, I swear the number of girls that game out of the wood work trying to get up, (mostly because they hated my girl I think) had me blown. Eventually, all of the things that I didn't know about the girl and didn't like about the girl got to the point where I wanted out anyway, it was all no harm, no foul but I couldn't help feeling like I had just wasted my time. I mean what was really the point of this relationship? I had created stronger friendships in less time with people that I was not "dating," there was never really any end goal in mind from out interaction, and I had pushed off other opportunities in the name of being noble. What exactly was the point?

Now most men come to this point of thought at one point or another but the conclusion they come to is to still play the relationship game but to just cheat if opportunities come up because in reality most of these so-called relationships aren't going to work. I am not on that, so I am basically really upfront about what we are. I mean why exchange titles because in my opinion titles no matter what our relationship is once you place it into titles become the bullshit that they attribute to that term. The fact is that if a title is that important to a woman she can have it, I am not talking about not claiming her and I usually would even hold you out as my girl if you are comfortable with that because its easier than explaining all of our business, but if you leave it up to me I hate the titles. The titles present this idea of stability long before it should exist. People get complacent too quickly and take people for granted way too soon and that is much more apt to happen when someone feels like they have a boyfriend that is committed to them as opposed to someone they are still trying to impress and date. Complacency is wack, but its the norm, and the other problem with titles and me is that just because another person has decided that they are fine settling for bullshit, if I let them have the title I am supposed to settle for their bullshit. There are plenty of reasons that are perfectly acceptable to stop dealing with the woman I am dating, but much less for breaking up with your girlfriend. Personally I think I am lying to her if I give her the signal that I am at the point of looking past certain shit before I am.

I know that people often believe that the issue is a problem with commitment, but that is not the case. Personally I don't enjoy all the back and forth of dating and hollering at girls enough to want it ever extended. Getting to know someone in the beginning is that same fucked up dance of the same bullshit conversations that personally kill me on the inside. When I am dating someone that I am into I don't and have no interest in dating other people. Most people that know me from the street don't have a myriad of stories of me out there hollering at this girl or that girl I am just cool, and usually it's because I am mentally off the market. I actually get there fairly quickly, that just means I want to see how this thing plays out, but I play it close to the vest because I want to let things develop without the pressure of knowing that I am potentially all in.

What makes sense to me is for two people to just chill drama free for an extended period of time and find out if they actually like each other before focusing so much on getting to know each other deeply or whatever other feel good shit people put out there. I just want to know do I like you, regardless of your ideas on politics, or faith, and family, do I like eating with you, do I like watching tv with you, do I like our life. Basically I just want to extend the amount of time that you are perfect, before I know some of the dumb shit you did in college, or something completely silly that you believe, it allows me to put it into a better perspective about which things are deal breakers and which are not. I have been known to cut a girl of things that some would consider a minor lapse in judgment, but that was easy to do because I had no glimpse of the idea that working through this issue would lead to happiness. I want to know I can be happy with you when all things are equal then I will know when the rough times come that there is something real that I am trying to get back to, not some random hope that we actually are compatible.

I think formal titles and relationships in the traditional sense do harm to the ability to do that. People spend so much time presenting their representatives and exchanging sad stories that it is difficult to walk away when it's just not right. Sometimes all the work in the world can't make up for the fact that you too are just not a good fit, but if your entire relationship is built on working to make a fit instead of actually checking it out to see if this works there is a problem. Too many times I sit around and end up in a conversation with a woman attempting to convince me that she loves me and that we should be together. When I get past the point of indulging these conversations I ask them some fairly pointed questions about me, about us, and about how we would work. They generally have no idea, people want to sign up for a relationship with someone who they do not know at all. They want to feel like they know you when you are actually less close and have built up less trust than they have with most friendships, all of this supposed connection is generally a pretense that people have produced to present themselves with what they feel is a more acceptable reason to have sex. I just don't think it is necessary.

Yes from the outside many of my relationships may look fairly traditional, that is why I know that my perspective in not particularly as radical as it sounds in print. It is generally more honest and based more upon actions and work, but that is also why my female friendships are generally different, or so I have been told, from other peoples cross gender friendships. I am fairly aware of when and how I fuck up, just as I am very acutely aware of how the woman may fuck up. I don't, however, believe that it is always necessary to bring it up. With each obstacle there comes a fork in the road, does this make me want to leave or do I want to stay? If I want to leave we can end things politely and there is no need to attack someone with the lists of what they have done wrong in your opinion, and if you choose to stay riding someone for their perceived faults that you don't think is that large of a deal doesn't serve a purpose either. The only time the conversation is important is if you can fix a pattern of behavior that will change your desire to stay into a desire to leave. I believe in marriage, I even want one conceptually, but I know that I would have a difficult time being married to anyone who couldn't understand how I see dating and relationships because it needs to be our own thing, and if veering slightly off the beaten path is that shocking now, you won't be able to adapt to the type of marriage I want/need.

But if you have that real love and you are happy I support you, I am all about your joy. As long as you are happy I am happy for you, my way does not need to be your way for anything in life. But understand that I don't hate on true love, I just believe it's much rarer in this world than people present.