Pontificating Randomly

On Kellz...

2008-06-19T15:16:00.001-05:00

It's a fairly unpopular subject I know, but it is one of those things in popular culture that strikes at the root of a lot of things I believe. As educated people we need to be serious about solutions and I tire of misguided outrage which gives us permission to turn out brains off in the name of presenting a pretty image. My beliefs stand up to facts and logic, I don't mean that people's emotional responses are wrong, but you owe the world some level of self examination.

First of all let me admit, I am a fan of R. Kelly's music. I think dude makes some good music, even though most of the recent stuff is more ignorant/ funny, I am cool with dude. It's music, entertainment is entertainment, I don't get ultra offended. However apparently that makes me a sketchy individual because now that there has been a not guilty verdict I should be marching around with such great outrage because this pedophile has been released and if you believe in God, Justice and are not in favor of raping black women you should condemn his acquittal. I am being sent emails with the so-called "black male" response calling on ending the exploitive treatment of black women like this is going to be a real Rosa Parks movement for Black America. I have lost friends for my position on the subject matter, but come on we people have got to do better.

R. Kelly is sick. He obviously does not care about sleeping with teenagers, he is a grimey motherfucker, there is no question about that. Was he guilty of a crime? More than likely. Was he guilty of the crime that they charged him for? That is less certain. Did the prosecution come close to proving their case? Hell no, the ran a trial based upon the emotional responses of the people who I have conflict with right now, who can't understand the issue well enough to prosecute it.

The point is that R. Kelly is not a pedophile. A pedophile is described as a person who is sexually attracted to a child. A child is described as a person between the ages of birth and puberty. Once a person has passed the age of puberty and are an adolescent or teenager there is a very large psychological, legal, and societal grey area that people don't like to deal with. In psychology the definition of an adult who is attracted to a person in this post puberty/ pre-adulthood stage is ephobilia. In the law under certain circumstances a person as young as 13 has been held to be an adult to face criminal charges, yet a person as old as 21 is not consider an adult for the ability to drink. A 14 year old can consent to sexual contact with a person up to 18 years old, yet not with anyone above 19 years old. In society, thousands of fourteen year olds are pregnant by men of all different ages, proms and school dances consistently add maximum age provisions because some people just don't see the problem with their 15 year old daughter having a 26 year old "boyfriend."

This argument has people accuse me of being petty. I am justifying a dirty old man sleeping and pissing on a 13 year old. I am sick and disturbing and I have issues. Why draw the line? Sick is sick. I have two responses. First the line is important because the super majority of people believe that pedophilia is wrong, when you attempt to expand the definition into fields that all evidence points to the fact is not a universally held belief you lessen the power of the term and you open yourself up to losing trials. Had the prosecution argued the legal merits of the case instead of trying to condemn a monster they would have won the case, but instead they presented salacious evidence with tremendous holes in it in the name of holding this man up as the face of evil. They learned the hard way that this view was not universally held.

My second response is the folks, particularly educated black folks need to get their heads out of their asses. I see more negroes walk around strutting with a sense of superiority because they have this degree or that degree yet whenever any issue comes up negroes pretend like their degree is nothing but another fancy accessory like their Prada bag. I am not saying that you need to necessarily agree with my argument, I can even give you a pass if you want to argue that the definition isn't important, but the concept that making a valid intellectual argument in term makes you the devil is the most backward slave plantation thinking ever you educated Niggas need to do better.

My position, so that it is on the record, is this:

1. I do not care about the jury verdict. Had he been convicted I would not be claiming a black victory, and I am not claiming a victory at his acquittal. This case has absolutely nothing to do with the underlying issue affecting the community.

2. Explain the outrage. People scream that this is so wrong, but I need to know what was so wrong. Is the issue that the age difference was too great? That the girl was too young? That he was too rich? That he urinated on her? That he videotaped it? What is the outrage people are feeling? This matters because if the mass coalition of the outraged people were to ever try to define their outrage they would find that their agreement was falling apart. This matters because I have to ask where the continued outrage was when the video came out. My opinion is that there needs to be an age set, like 16/17 which is a universal age of consent no matter how old the other party is. I also believe that pissing on a woman whether she is 14 or 50 means you are a sick fuck. People don't think about the reason for statutory rape laws.

If the girl needs protection because she does not have the cognitive development to consent then it does not matter how old the other party is. Of course cognitive development is generally an argument that requires a case by case examination and opens up the question of whether individuals who sleep with someone who is physically of age, though not mentally, yet not disabled to the point of currently being illegal should be prosecuted if they fall in the level of development that we are arguing is not sufficient to consent to sexual activity. The statutory argument is that a law must be passed for the maintenance of an orderly society and there is an age under which that while a person who could legitimately make the decision to engage in sexual intercourse should not have that right, similar to the right to vote and to drink. This is a law that people would support, even those who did not think that it was a big deal would be willing to convict because the "law is the law" and it is applied fairly. This of course bothers people because people want to protect the "right" I suppose for their 14 year old daughter to get busted down by her 15 year old boyfriend when neither are old enough to work in order to support that child. Of course supporting a examination of the law and its purpose would require people to:

3. Face the hypocrisy. Is that so? R. Kelly case shows the exploitation of Black Women and we must stand up to degrading behavior? Because BET doesn't exist. There is no song called Bust it Baby on the radio, right? Actually let me hit closer to home for my educated people. Its not all thugs and drug dealers who travel to Brazil and Thailand. It is not all thugs and drug dealers who keep the strip clubs in business. It is not all thugs and drug dealers who hit the club every weekend chasing every shapely body they see, ignoring every other thing about her until they can hit it and never call back. And it is not just the men, it is not all uneducated sisters and hood rats that are chasing every fancy car they can find. It is not all uneducated sisters and hood rats that judge a good man strictly by his income and objects. It is not all uneducated sisters that are filling up stripper classes like having a degree all of a sudden makes pole dancing less exploitive. Are we really arguing that had R/ Kelly urinated on a grown woman it would have been morally acceptable? No, as each day goes on we support all of the same ole bullshit that reduces individuals and their interactions to a collections of parts that has no bearing on who they are and what they think. Men are their wallets, cars, homes, and dick size, women are ass and breasts, face and what they will let you do and how easily. We promote this thinking in everything we value in our elite social life then when it bites us in the ass being pushed to an extreme we need to demonize an R. Kelly, or a Michael Vick, or a Pacman Jones because it allows you to justify your bullshit for another moment or two.

The underlying problem is that objectification and hyper sexual relationships have gotten out of control. Whether a person is used, demeaned and discarded at 15 or 50 there is still a major harm to the victim, and the abuser is not relieved of "moral" responsibility. You want to prosecute every person who sleeps with a person under 18? I'm with you. You want to boycott all music that sends a negative image or objectifies? Let's do it. Don't forget the drug deal music, and the 8 million shake your ass harder songs. You want to set a better role model for your friends and children? Let's do it, but stop cheating on your spouses, stop hiding money from child support, some the boys or girls weekends to Vegas and Miami where you fuck whatever, stop going out ass naked in the street. If you want to feel better about yourself by blasting R. Kelly as a deviant strain that is the root of emblematic of the exploitation issues destroying gender relations in the black community? Leave me out of it and come back when you get serious.

My Relationship Story...

2008-06-17T14:11:00.001-05:00

Ok, so constantly I am referred to as being anti-relationship. Anti-girlfriend or some version of this by so many people I know. So once I will try to completely explain my opinion on the subject matter.

The first, and last official girlfriend I had was my sophomore year in high school. She was cute, I didn't like her that much but she wanted to "go with me" and I didn't have shit else to do so I was like "cool." We will talk on the phone, and walk through the hall at school, and people will tell us how cute we are, and I can pretend like I am just so into this person that in reality I thought was a little bit petty, and that I knew had moments of pure insanity like getting in fist fights with her mother. But it was all whatever because I was in a relationship with a cute girl that gave me a little bit of status in the halls and I was down for the cause. Until the end of that very first day of school when I was standing outside with my boy waiting on my newly minted girlfriend so I could walk her to the train or something like that when this other cute girl that I didn't really know rolled up on me. She came at me with the, "hey I don't really know you, but I have been watching you for a few weeks, and I really want to get up with you." WTF? I have been in a relationship one day with a girl who is saying I have to work my way towards winning, and now I have one throwing it at me? What to do, what to do? Well me being an honorable young man who was taught that you do not disrespect your relationship, I played the second girl to the left and was committed to my relationship. Man, I swear the number of girls that game out of the wood work trying to get up, (mostly because they hated my girl I think) had me blown. Eventually, all of the things that I didn't know about the girl and didn't like about the girl got to the point where I wanted out anyway, it was all no harm, no foul but I couldn't help feeling like I had just wasted my time. I mean what was really the point of this relationship? I had created stronger friendships in less time with people that I was not "dating," there was never really any end goal in mind from out interaction, and I had pushed off other opportunities in the name of being noble. What exactly was the point?

Now most men come to this point of thought at one point or another but the conclusion they come to is to still play the relationship game but to just cheat if opportunities come up because in reality most of these so-called relationships aren't going to work. I am not on that, so I am basically really upfront about what we are. I mean why exchange titles because in my opinion titles no matter what our relationship is once you place it into titles become the bullshit that they attribute to that term. The fact is that if a title is that important to a woman she can have it, I am not talking about not claiming her and I usually would even hold you out as my girl if you are comfortable with that because its easier than explaining all of our business, but if you leave it up to me I hate the titles. The titles present this idea of stability long before it should exist. People get complacent too quickly and take people for granted way too soon and that is much more apt to happen when someone feels like they have a boyfriend that is committed to them as opposed to someone they are still trying to impress and date. Complacency is wack, but its the norm, and the other problem with titles and me is that just because another person has decided that they are fine settling for bullshit, if I let them have the title I am supposed to settle for their bullshit. There are plenty of reasons that are perfectly acceptable to stop dealing with the woman I am dating, but much less for breaking up with your girlfriend. Personally I think I am lying to her if I give her the signal that I am at the point of looking past certain shit before I am.

I know that people often believe that the issue is a problem with commitment, but that is not the case. Personally I don't enjoy all the back and forth of dating and hollering at girls enough to want it ever extended. Getting to know someone in the beginning is that same fucked up dance of the same bullshit conversations that personally kill me on the inside. When I am dating someone that I am into I don't and have no interest in dating other people. Most people that know me from the street don't have a myriad of stories of me out there hollering at this girl or that girl I am just cool, and usually it's because I am mentally off the market. I actually get there fairly quickly, that just means I want to see how this thing plays out, but I play it close to the vest because I want to let things develop without the pressure of knowing that I am potentially all in.

What makes sense to me is for two people to just chill drama free for an extended period of time and find out if they actually like each other before focusing so much on getting to know each other deeply or whatever other feel good shit people put out there. I just want to know do I like you, regardless of your ideas on politics, or faith, and family, do I like eating with you, do I like watching tv with you, do I like our life. Basically I just want to extend the amount of time that you are perfect, before I know some of the dumb shit you did in college, or something completely silly that you believe, it allows me to put it into a better perspective about which things are deal breakers and which are not. I have been known to cut a girl of things that some would consider a minor lapse in judgment, but that was easy to do because I had no glimpse of the idea that working through this issue would lead to happiness. I want to know I can be happy with you when all things are equal then I will know when the rough times come that there is something real that I am trying to get back to, not some random hope that we actually are compatible.

I think formal titles and relationships in the traditional sense do harm to the ability to do that. People spend so much time presenting their representatives and exchanging sad stories that it is difficult to walk away when it's just not right. Sometimes all the work in the world can't make up for the fact that you too are just not a good fit, but if your entire relationship is built on working to make a fit instead of actually checking it out to see if this works there is a problem. Too many times I sit around and end up in a conversation with a woman attempting to convince me that she loves me and that we should be together. When I get past the point of indulging these conversations I ask them some fairly pointed questions about me, about us, and about how we would work. They generally have no idea, people want to sign up for a relationship with someone who they do not know at all. They want to feel like they know you when you are actually less close and have built up less trust than they have with most friendships, all of this supposed connection is generally a pretense that people have produced to present themselves with what they feel is a more acceptable reason to have sex. I just don't think it is necessary.

Yes from the outside many of my relationships may look fairly traditional, that is why I know that my perspective in not particularly as radical as it sounds in print. It is generally more honest and based more upon actions and work, but that is also why my female friendships are generally different, or so I have been told, from other peoples cross gender friendships. I am fairly aware of when and how I fuck up, just as I am very acutely aware of how the woman may fuck up. I don't, however, believe that it is always necessary to bring it up. With each obstacle there comes a fork in the road, does this make me want to leave or do I want to stay? If I want to leave we can end things politely and there is no need to attack someone with the lists of what they have done wrong in your opinion, and if you choose to stay riding someone for their perceived faults that you don't think is that large of a deal doesn't serve a purpose either. The only time the conversation is important is if you can fix a pattern of behavior that will change your desire to stay into a desire to leave. I believe in marriage, I even want one conceptually, but I know that I would have a difficult time being married to anyone who couldn't understand how I see dating and relationships because it needs to be our own thing, and if veering slightly off the beaten path is that shocking now, you won't be able to adapt to the type of marriage I want/need.

But if you have that real love and you are happy I support you, I am all about your joy. As long as you are happy I am happy for you, my way does not need to be your way for anything in life. But understand that I don't hate on true love, I just believe it's much rarer in this world than people present.

Ceilings and Floors

2008-05-07T23:19:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I have this theory of ceilings and floors... I think that everytime you are in a relationship the relationship has a floor of what is expected by each party and their is a ceiling given to what someone can do. This always makes kicking it difficult because you can often get caught in a situation where your floor was the other man's ceiling. There is nothing more annoying that when you get absolutely no credit for shit that the last man couldn't do... It's like if she was dating a broke dude, then she was happy when he copped that $80 dinner, but if you are not broke and you regularly spend $150, well that ain't shit and she won't give you the same amount of credit for that $80 until you spend $400.

That, in a nutshell, is the problem with the game. Credit just does not exist. I wish I could explain to folks what I go through without just bitching at the game. Let me tell you why dudes get frustrated, we go through a lot of bullshit for hook ups, or finding new spots, or the ability to entertain... You get on lists, get V.I.P., but none of that shit matters, cause what I have found is that most girls don't know how much it costs to kick it. I have honestly had people that I have spent like $200 a month on casually, say that it ain't shit. I have gotten groups of 6 into parties free sometimes when I'm not even there. I have bought all of her friends drinks whenever I see them whether she is around or not, but that doesn't matter either. And that is how the game works. See once you establish some shit as a floor you will never get credit for it. Credit of course becomes frustrating when you get stuck in conversations about the state of the union, and after your good and hard work that you thought was impressive you find out that you are considered fairly run of the mill. Now, I have had conversations about the exes so you know you are not universally run of the mill but where you are standard is that you live on your floor with occasional reaches towards the ceiling. I have actually been told that if I invite someone on one of my hook ups it should not mean shit to them because it was "free." This of course ignores that nothing is actually free and that I always could have taken someone else. Basically the rule is just don't expect there to be any recognition that we are talking about different floors and ceilings.

This is a difference between men and women I think. Men have much more of a universal floor and ceiling than one that is specific to the woman. This does not mean that men can't take a woman for granted but there is some credit for a lot more basic shit in my opinion. Like most dudes give you that jump credit for faking like you are willing to pay on date three, or actually taking me out once, or offering to cook. Basically anything that shows that $400/month when it is not a car note is not a throw off expenditure from your monthly accounts. Hell shit is currently so much realer with the $4 gas... It's a delicate balance, you don't want to wine about the game, but it is what we all hate about the game. I guess the honorable thing is we just don't do anything about it. Mostly because in the end I know I have been a low ceiling negro in my past. Yet, that does not make it less frustrating while you play through it.

In the end I have learned that if you want better luck i the future you need to understand a woman's past ceilings and floors. If your floor is too much higher than her last ceiling you may want to reconsider you future. You may thing you can handle it, but the pressure is hard when you can picture the dude that hit it for a cheesburger when you are paying for lobster... (crude? yeah... But its the game)

Don't Wake Me.... I'm Dreamin-in...

2008-05-03T22:51:00.003-05:00

Ok, so have you ever been in a situation where you are in a dating quagmire? I mean you're not getting what you want, you're not sure you could get what you wanted if you worked harder, plus you don't really feel like working harder anyway. What to do, what to do?

Well when you find yourself in this position, do absolutely nothing... This is called the fall asleep game. Fall asleep... It just like that old stereotype... Take a nap and everything will work itself out by the morning... Now to be clear I do not mean to insinuate that clarity will expose itself in one nights time, but leave it alone, it will all work out.

Example, you're out on a date with one of these really fine professional "post-feminist" types. This pretty much means their ideas on gender equality are fairly hypocritical and generally prone to be antagonistic to you in the beginning. She is much more likely to be an ass even if you pay for everything and are a perfect gentleman because she wants you to know that as an educated black man you really ain't all of that. You go on a date or two, you chat a few times, its cool, but she has the guards up and you can see she is gearing up for a lot of that bullshit. What do you do? Nothing... Not a damn thing, don't be rude but don't feel the need to do anything pro-active. Go on other dates... Basically forget her, it will really be fine. See for the next two weeks when you haven't called she may send you a coy text or something trying to draw you into a conversation where she wants you to ask her out. Don't fall for the bait, how do you answer a "hello" text? "Hi" how do you answer a "How are you?" text, with the ever popular "cool... busy" and walk away... You have answered one text, so you are not bitching at them but if they write back you don't have to answer the others... in fact you don't answer the first text for a few hours anyway so you're not a dick, and you are doing your own thing. In the meantime while they are living their own life they start to go through the math themselves... This is a good dude, he is educated, treated me nice on a date, I was on that bullshit, and now I am not sure if he is really being distant on purpose or if he really is just busy. Since he was nice before I will give him the benefit of the doubt... or not. And here is the great part of the game, instead of paying for more dates and wasting time, the person who is more adaptable to your current goals will self select themselves as the person who calls you back and who doesn't... and when they call you back they have already made the decision to be less of an ass with you so generally they are acting right. And the greatest part of all of this is that you are generally unaware of all the complicated machinations that have gone on because generally you were asleep. You only know it worked when you get the call that seems random out of the blue by that girl you almost forgot about except this time she seems so much nicer now. It's the greatest.

The fall asleep game doesn't just work on women, it is perfectly applicable to men. the internal machinations are different but what the hell do you care because when you wake up the shit is working out right. And it works for whatever your goal is... this is not just about getting a relationship, or getting ass, it is just a fairly effective training tool. The basic premises is that most people spend too much time being game theorists and trying to think everything out. Usually, if they are just chill its not so high stress and the fall asleep game is not necessary. But if they are always trying to work an angle, ignore their ass and let them either get in or get out. See its great, you want a low key dinner partner, just only answer them if there is a request for dinner, they will figure it out if they can handle it. You want them to stop fronting... It comes through if they are the type that can do it.

I know, I know, you don't believe it can be that easy. Converts to the fall asleep game only come through experience. But realize when you are too worried about what some person is thinking and what they are doing next the fall asleep game may be happening on you.

Bit of warning, the fall asleep game does not make you impervious to other game, its like rock paper scissors, it can beat some game, and it gets beat by some other, but more times than not the fall asleep has served me well and as a good friend I figured I'd share.

Au Revoir...

The Wright Response...

2008-04-29T23:44:00.002-05:00

I have been spending the day trying to wrap my mind around the Barack Obama Jeremiah Wright situation...

It's tough, but one thing that has become evident is that this issue exposes a lot of fault lines in the black community. As much as we talk about the diversity in the Black community we don't actually discuss the differences in the things that make up the Black experience while judging which aspects are valid and if there is a right answer.

My impressions are this... Too often young negroes too easily dismiss the struggles of older African Americans, but also many times too many young successful negroes don't recognize the struggles that were truly matters of age and those that are matters of income. It kills me to hear the judgmental rants about why couldn't Reverend Wright just keep his mouth shut which leads to the eternal question of whether or not the election of Barack Obama is a definite "good."

The underlying question is how much of a person's racial identity must they renounce in order to become President? and the follow up being at what point is it too much to give up? Now I do not believe this is a major question for Barack because his Black identity is a fairly new thing that is not fundamentally a part of who he is, it is an intellectual cloak he put on and can change for one that fits him better which may indeed be this "post racial" Tiger Woods being.

But I am negro, son of slave, and I believe in White Supremacy. Does that make me anti American? Does that make me a conspiracy theorist? Does not my education and intellect lend credence to what I believe or is believing something that is so far from what the mainstream is willing to accept nullify all of my years of schooling and the book that I have read? I mean if we are fair, arguments for God sound ridiculous. Especially if you state them like Bill Maher.

But I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, the facts of what I have seen in the world make it easy for me. Just like I can believe that certain acts of fundamental racism are possible, even if some are more likely than others. I am bothered by the belief that this makes me irrational. I am bothered by the fact that when faced with the Tuskegee experiment, cointelpro, the bombing of black wall street, agent orange, and the Iran contra fiasco that it could so easily be called ridiculous that an agency of the government was using AIDS against the Black community. See you can't have it both ways... You can't acknowledge the "wrongs" of the past without seeing that there was a point when everything that was proven to have occurred was at one point considered as ridiculous as this argument.

But that is just it, some things are real, some things are not, but we have to be careful with what we belittle, especially when it comes from an experience that is not like our own. And that is the issue with the so-called Black Experience, the young bougie experience is different from the young poor, depending on how you got to older upper middle class, your perspective can be different. The civil rights era icons are different from the reagan era Blacks, and this is not dealing with the differences between Black Americans, West Indians, or Africans, much less the individual countries inside the larger groups.

Jeremiah Wright once said that "Your Perspective determines your Perception." Mine as the grandson of a Baptist Pastor, and the son of a Black intellectual has me currently quite dismayed. I know the argument that I should make. I know the right thing to say, but when dealing with the complexities of the racial discussion and emotions caused by this entire fiasco there is only one thought that comes to mind.

God...
Damn...
America...

Conundrumming...

2008-04-27T23:50:00.003-05:00

So one of my old friends just got engaged and I got to kick it with his fiance for the first time, we all meet out in the street, I catch them on my 3rd stop, and it is a night full of fun, right? Nope not right... why? Cause she had her tittie ALL the way out.

Now don't get me wrong, I like titties, I would even go as far as to say that I love titties, however its uncomfortable when my boy's fiance has all her breasts on display. Now part of it is my weakness. See I have an issue with titty meat. I make bad decisions if I am tempted by seeing too much titty meat. See titty meat is the bare breast looking almost like it is in its natural habitat. It is seeing the uncommonly public parts of the breast, generally free to have a little jiggle. I am certain this is quite juvenile, but it is what it is...

Anyway, so I am stuck out with my boys fiance exposing so much titty meat and I am trying to not be impolite. I even had to cut off my drinking for the night to make sure I acted right. But for real, what is up with that? I mean is there a good reason for your fiance to come on the town with her titties ALL the way out. I mean I don't think I am a super prude but daaaaamn. So here I am uncomfortable, because in general a major part of my relationship with dude is appreciating titties, just usually not his titties and thus the uncomfortability. So I wonder, what is the line? I mean at what point is looking but not touching acceptable amongst friends. Do I have to go in the corner and sit on my hands? I just don't know what is right...

Melancholy

2008-03-30T23:08:00.003-05:00

So I was e-stalking on myspace or facebook and I saw this picture of this girl. She was stunning, like truly, I had to take a closer look. I wasn't even sure she was real... Of course when I took the closer look at the picture she had a huge bleached out spot on her arm that was sort of like a huge reverse birthmark. That in a nutshell is how it is... There is always that smack of reality that stops anyone from being perfect. The girl of your dreams always decides on day to shave her head, or to quit her job, or become a vegan, or some type of bullshit that fucks up fantasy land, that forces you to deal with the fact that she is not the person that you want her to be.

One of my boys sent an email about cheating on your wife to a list I am on with a bunch of married cats. One of the engaged cats basically wrote back that he was sick of dating and hollering at chicks and how with each conversation he has with a woman that doesn't mean anything to try and get some ass "a little part of him dies." He spoke the truth. I will tell you, my dream in a relationship is to fast forward to the easy parts. I hate having to pretend that I am always nice, that she never gets on my nerves, that she is never a bitch... Of course she is a bitch sometimes, and I am an ass, but in the end I want to be here. But instead I am in the street having the same conversation time and time again with different people to no end result. Hell I don't even try to sleep with most of these women, its just the game "I just play it to play it." (Jigga) And that gets me to the part that I hate the most. Sometimes even I get caught up and complain about the game. I will be calling it like I see it and I will have a woman try to argue me down. Where it mostly comes down is about whether or not spending money makes it easier to have female "friends," I say the money helps, obviously my female friends always say that the answer is no, we can't really settle this because I think you are lying. (side note, yes I suck, I do believe that women will lie in a heart beat to win an argument, that is why first person sources are completely illegitimate.) What is the point of this? not much, it is just my general feelings now... ie malaise...

And then, the other shoe drops...

2008-03-19T17:17:00.004-05:00

So last night I got stuck in a shitty conversation... Like real shitty... so I figured I'd vent, basically part of my life is basically like Hitch, had a fucked up interaction though not like the movie thing and sort of "adapted" for the future.

I wont say that I have turned off emotion but I am cautious. As a general rule I try my best not to hold the sins of the past against the present and the future but I got caught up because I was sort of asked not to hold the sins of the past against the perpetrator.

Like the whole set up is complicated, basically we were good friends, thought about the transistion into more than friends, I saw certain conversations one way, she swears she didn't, it came to a head we fell out the end. Five, yeah that's right FIVE, years later she comes back and basically states that she made the wrong choice, would have made a different decision if she had it to do over, and that she really wants her best friend back because I was her best friend and she doesn't even DO best friends. Mind you, all of this comes up at 1:00am, on IM... fucking great.

Basically our shit fucked up because of a mix of youth and bullheadedness and all types of other bullshit, and it prolly wouldn't have worked and I can understand that, however I was FUCKED UP, I mean really... Not because the shit didn't work but because of how the shit didn't work. I mean damn, if my "best friend" told me that they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I didn't feel the same I would handle with care. I mean how can you truly believe that someone gives that much of a fuck about you when they basically shut you down cold and give you a mean ass bullshit answer that makes you feel like the entirety of your connection, romantic or not was completely in your own head. Then after all of that to come to you earnestly and ask you to drop the cynicism and be their sweet and wonderful best friend again.

The arrogance.... First, let's face it, life is hard, I have a long string of things that have led to my cynical perspective, her being one of them, yet she feels comfortable enough to ask me to drop it all because she happens to be lonely, or reminiscing or something. Basically it sucks because I am dropped back into thought that I don't really want to be in, and it makes me cast a critical eye at all of my current interactions because shit just doesn't fit... But I hate being HERE... Or the fact that I could even still get here over shit like this, or that I amy have to answer some dumb ass questions about the fact that this was my reaction, or whatever... it's not important enough to me to try and set the record straight, but for a moment.... damn its just the nerve of some folks... shit...

The Commute

2008-03-17T21:59:00.002-05:00

Today I had to put my car in the shop, the shop which is unfportunately all the way on the other side of the city from where I work. So what this means is that I am forced to wake up at a completely ungodly hour and trek across the city on the way to work on the bus. Shit, I hate the bus, this here trip is bearable for one reason only and that is that it is spring break in the city right now and therefore the morning buses are not packed with 8 million loud mouthed teenagers trying to be cool/ hard. Anyway as I take the bus all of a sudden the bus just pulls over. Why? You may ask... Well aparently the driver is off and the new driver is late and so we just wait on the street and apparently this is all normal. The thing that keeps coming back to me is that we often forget how shitty of a life we expect the "others" to accept and not bitch about. The chasm between the haves and have nots would cause much more outrage, I believe if we were ever actually forced to see one another. It is precisely this out of site out of mind perspective that allows us sometimes to get lost in our little bougie snow globes and get convinced that we or someone we know could possibly know EVERYBODY underlying statement being everybody that "matters."
This brings me to where we currently are in the Obama campaign, Rev. Jeremiah Wright is being called out on statements that he made that middle America (white) is saying is so radical. People are questioning how could people as successful as the Obama's feel anything but undying pride in America. They proceeded to go on and call things that Blacks consider to be fairly normal completely crazy and out of the mainstream, but then again Black America is out of sight and out of mind in America...

Fill in the Blank...

2008-03-03T23:33:00.002-06:00

So basically in relationships I find I have a tendancy to fill in the blanks. Basically when I am dating someone they start off as my ideal (If they are on the marriage track.) What that means is that they are perfect and so I assume their response to anything would be the ideal. Obviously that is not the case, but that is how I look at it. This does lead to problems as every situation we have not encountered is a blank I fill in with my ideal response. The problem is that when reality does not match the ideal there is a let down, an realistically most times the reality does not match the ideal.

Obviously this leads to problems because reality is never that pretty. And even though I know this it never solves the problem that comes with the letdown. But what to do? Because honestly there is nothing I love more than that period of time when a woman is perfect. That is the absolute greatest time in the world for me, dates are perfect I "know" how she will react to every circumstance and it is absolutely perfect. She has so much grace and class, yet she is fun and serious at the same time, and definitely not annoying in the slightest. I know that this is insane, I do, it makes no sense at all.

But basically that is my conundrum, whatever I don't know when I like you I give you the benefit of the doubt and you become perfect. Damn pedastals and what not, and to my vicitims in the future I apologize for filling in the blanks. But I have found that reality is not always that much of a let down... and that's what I look for.

One Way Magic

2008-02-21T22:18:00.003-06:00

Sometimes when you are dating, you go out with someone, and it is sort of awkward... I mean its not bad, but its not really good, you sort of have made it through the date and while you figure that you could be friends you figure that you wont be friends because you met on a date as opposed to a friend type setting. So its all good, it's no harm no foul, you're not mad at paying because its basically they are good people just not the one for you. It's all good right? Well not so much, because now, you have left and you are planning to give the 'hey it was fun, we should do this again' text fully expecting them to give you a similarly vague response when they hit you back with the 'definitely, how about tomorrow?'

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

This my friends is the phenomenon that I call one way magic... It sucks, its basically where you had a passable or bad time on a date and someone else had them sparks. The shit is scary because not only are you now in an unrequited love situation but you have to believe the other person is crazy because hell you were on the date and you don't see how anyone could have thought that it was all of that. The bigger issue of course is what to do? How do you successfully manage a one way magic situation? Hell I don't know. What I do know is that the shit is incredibly awkward.

I mean damn have you ever tried to have a dissuasion convo with someone who was convinced that they loved you? It's nuts because one of the facts of one way magic is that the person that is in love with you does not know you. They sort of just fast forward through the fact that they want to get married and start a steakhouse with you even though you are a vegan. They sort of fast forward through the fact that you are in no way compatible. And please for the love of God, (and yes this is more of a male thing,) don't sleep with the one way magic person. That sets shit completely off the deep end. All of a sudden all rationality is out of the window because even if you could only perform for 7 seconds they will have come 3 times. There are no wins in this shit... Basically the best advice I can give is leave before it becomes fatal attraction. or test at the end of the date how someone feels so you just don't call afterwords, because once you get involved in one way magic there is only one way for it to end, and that is ugly. Either you are ugly, or the situation gets ugly. either way, if you try to stay positive like I do, it sucks...

Where we are...

2008-02-11T23:08:00.002-06:00

So for anyone who ahs been looking at the Site I just finished posting my favorite old blogs so you can have an idea of who I am... From this point on it is new stuff.... Fairly random and sometimes all over the place, but that is why its called pontificating randomly.

peace and love.

Settle Game 3/12/07

2008-02-11T23:08:00.001-06:00

So this weekend I was doing one of my myspace hobbies which was blog surfing. I love blog surfing, just because you can see what random people are thinking. Of course as usually I bumped into the long diatribe of men vs. women blogs and I was struck by one very sad question. What is the deal with all of these college educated woman dating dude's that ain't about SHIT.?!?

I mean really, you will be reading a long and this girl has a master's and a job and is pretty much holding it down, talking about she needs to date a dude that can hold a job for more than 6 weeks. Huh? Talking about how she need a dude that wears more than White T's... Wha? Talking about how they need they dude to shape up and not be the type to embarrass them at a work function.

Ok, so the question is where the fuck are y'all girls hanging out/ Hell I know everyone ain't lawyers, and everyone don't like lawyers, but come on there has got to be some middle ground between Harvard and Harold Washington College. I mean shit. I know the statistics but if you are telling me that a woman with a master's degree can't do any better than a high school drop out I have got to say bullshit. Being flexible means your college degree with some college and a job. Your Masters with college. Schools that are ranked differently. But when your standards are low enough to just say someone who is not going to show their natural ass in front of your boss, I think you are setting yourself up for long term disappointment.

I mean its surreal. I go to spot after spot and I swear it seems to me like the Million Man march in that club. And yeah some of the dudes are corny, and some are assholes, but hell, they are working. They know how to use a fork. They can read. That has got to be better that what some of these women say they are dealing with. And yeah I have heard the whole "educated black men are too difficult, too arrogant." I say that is the same type of bullshit like educated black women are too difficult. Man up. Here is a fact, I know quite a few brothers that started dating their current girl planning to just run through it and be done. But no, shorty had that master strategy. Through a combination of subtle punches and counter punches they tamed some of the mightiest egos out. Basically they put the work in for what they wanted. Not saying y'all all got to want the same thing, but if you really wanted a dude on your level you could make that happen. It's like the Art of War, most battles are won and lost before you step on the field. So stop whining about people being difficult and step your game up, or maybe you're the one that doesn't belong here... (just a thought).

Basically I guess my question is what happened to the middle ground, why is it that people seem to always want perfection, but when they decide to settle its all about the first cute smile. and honestly it's not just the blogs that put this in my face. It's about the fact that I know with any girl I meet before I can give her too serious of a thought I have GOT to see her exes. No matter what she is saying right now, if I am too different from her exes then we just prolly aint going to work. Now this is not meaning your ex had to go to an Ivy or law school. Not at all, But basically, if all you normally date are dumb wack thugs, and your favorite date is usually cruising around stony island on those dubs, and smokin one, then we just ain't going to make it. If we have no similarities personally in how we kick it. See I got boys who haven't finished college but we are still very similar. That I can deal with more than a dude who has the exact same degrees as me, but is just funadamentally different. The fact is that some people are just mutually exclusive. You can't really like me and like him, so my thought is that if you used to date a couple of hims that you can't like me. The same thing is true with women. If all of your man's exes are quiet and demure, and you are (let me say) vibrant and opinionated chances are y'all are not going to work out unless he had his 'come to jesus' moment.

The issue is that at some point there has to be some sort of pattern recognition. You can't keep running around bitching because McDonald's isn't serving you a dry aged Prime Ribeye. You need to figure out you are in the wrong restuarant. and if you can't afford the other restaurant, then maybe that ain't what you want. But it doesn't mean you gotta go back to bitching about McDonalds, it just means that maybe you should check out that hot mid priced restaurant. Basically figure out where you want to be and then figure out how to make that shit happen, cause forcing these wack relationships to work if you are lucky will just end you up in divorce court or miserable, if you are unlucky you will only get that trip to the BMC, and I know you don't want that.

That BMC 3/1/07

2008-02-11T23:07:00.001-06:00

Those that know me have heard me bitch about one of the BAINS of my job which is known as "Baby Momma Court." (* Warning while this is not meant to be offensive to any single parents I really can't tell what makes people catch feelings, but dammit, if you act like some of these bastards you need some get right) Now for those of you that don't know, there is an entire separate building for child support issues with people have who children out of wedlock. If you were married it's handled in the Daley center, if not we go to Baby Momma Court. Now let me tell you. Baby Momma court is the MOST HORRIBLE Court in the World. Let me tell you that shit is like real life Muary Povich and Jerry Springer together. The DNA results, the fights, shit is crazy. The sad thing is that there are some cases that are important, some times the courts are what is necessary for the best interests of the childs, unfortunately those days are few and far between. As for the issues... its just a few points.

1. The people in Baby momma court were usually in relationships. See what I have found is that the hit it and quit it accidental preganancies usually don't go to court. The dude usually doesn't know he has a kid and the woman is not mad so she figures why fuck with dude. He ain't got shit, and the last thing I want is some dude fucking with me on my child's birthday. However what this means is that almost all the cases in Baby Momma Court are Highly Emotional which means they last ALL FUCKING DAY. and the problem is that this shit ain't law. There is no form of evidence in existence that can determine who should get the lil bastard THIS weekend. Absolutely None. so that means we have to come to an agreement which means I am stuck in that mutha for HOURS. Also the fact that people are in relationships means that they are MAD. I mean completely pissed off. This bothers me because someone comes in talking about how completely the other isn't shit. My response (to myself) usually being "well you were the one fucking them so obviously you thought they had something." However discretion says I keep that to myself. Nonetheless, you know that the only reason your ass is paying so much money to ahve me fight with this chick/ dude is because you are mad they are with someone else. Hell that is when 90% of the cases start, when the baby momma or daddy got a new one. it's like "Oh shit, you replacing me, I'ma take your ass to court for visitation."

2. People don't realise that Court is an all or nothing deal. Once yo ass comes to court talking about his drug problem and her whoring, all the professionals involved know that neither of you should really have the damn kid, but we can't really do that. Still people will fight and fight and sling all types of mud, and then when you start doing an actual agreement which spells out EVERYTHING down to what car you can use to pick the kids up and the exact zone of time for kids to be dropped off and notice for any deviiation of plans as well as emergencies people start bitching about how they are grown and dont need the court in their shit. No, yo ass is not grown, grown folks could figure out visitation without having me argue about the fact that you don't want his new wife to talk to your child EVER. and how he needs to take off work to pick the child up for visitation because you don't want to meet that new Bitch. Or how we have two parents who purposely scheduled birthday parties for the kid at the same time to fuck each other over. It's plain tiring. So since you are on that duymb shit we have to spell out EVERY DAMN THING in the order. Of course this is problematic too.

3. Because once a lot of these bastards get a court order they want to run to the police for every violation. Now yes, police can enforce court orders, however, if dude is 15 minutes late dropping off the child have the police come over and drag the child away from their father is NEVER a good idea. People are severly fucking up their kids because they want to call the police everytime a provision of the court order gets violated. Let me explain, this is why we have court, you need to file a rule to show cause. What's that, don't want to pay $1000 in legal fees to fuck with your ex over the child watching television a little late when they called first? Then leave that shit the fuck alone... Damn....

4. A few answers to questions: No I can't make him visit his child. No you can't withould visitiation because he isn't paying child support. No locking up a person paying child support is never a good idea because they will likely lose their job. No, I can't make her itemize what she spends your money on. No, that sex tape you have of her is not going to get you custody. Hell your ass is in it with her. Dumb ass, please tell me that you did not demand she take a drug test when you are still getting high your damn self and you used to get high together. Order of Protection are not toys.

5. Make sure that is your damn kid. I wish I could explain the number of times a dude has come in their ready to fight for custody and what not just to find out after the blood test that it aint his. Sadder still is that the judges barely flinch. It's like, "sucker, should've checked before you started paying that loot. You knew you didn't know where she was most nights."

6. Other thing is what is the deal with folks have babies with these UGLY muthafuckas. I mean i don't want to be mean and everyone is beautiful is Jesus's eyes, but shit. some couples you sit there and wonder what the hell happened? I mean how did we get here? Its nuts. It's like all the other craziness gets amplified because the basic shit doesn't make sense. Like how did we get here. But hey no judgment.

Now with all of this, is there any wonder that the kids are FUCKED UP. Be damn adults. I respect my friends who do what they have to do, they have kids but they take care of their kids realising that if the other dude is trifiling, while they may want them to act better, there is nothing positive to come from dragging everyone in and out of court over dumb shit. They also realise that there is no point putting your kids in the middle of your shit. I mean being a parent isn't easy but its easy to tell when you are thinking about your child and when you are not. And that count for Mother's fighting the broke ass father for his $40 a month as well as the Father who really needs to consider stepping back a little. If you are not married, there is a limit to how much you can both be equal parents for the child. They can know you but sometimes stability is important. Once parties start getting married if your ass is stopping the step father/ mother from taking "your child" to disney world with the rest of their family you aint shit. There I said it... After all if the mother or father really is trifling, the kid will figure it out. Trust...

Big Momma's House 2/20/07

2008-02-11T23:06:00.000-06:00

So I have been seeing a lot of blogs, diatribes, articles, etc. lambasting Eddie Murphy's new movie Norbit. Now its not that I did not expect to get a few protests, but I guess I expected people to protest because it is ass ignorant, not as the final straw in the attack on overweight black woman and standards of beauty. I have seen personal testimonies of women identifying with Eddie's big female character as a person with feelings and either connecting with her in a sense of solidarity, or standing proudly because she is so out there and confident and cheering her own. In my opinion, all of that is bullshit.

I know and I believe in the effects of the history of slavery and racism and I believe in the affects of a paternalistic society and the so-called european standards of beauty, but what I say to most of my sisters who got caught up in this is to relax, because you are not as you are seeing yourself. It stresses me out when I see a woman who is dark skinned and medically considered to be overweight to consider herself to be like "Mo'Nique." It just ain't so. (Full discosure, I'm not a Mo'Nique fan, particularly the so-called positive and self affirming crap she tries to pass off to legitmize her comedy to be more than just jokes) Even though they both played Effie, Jennifer Hudson is not the same as Jennifer Holiday. And furthermore, please believe that the major reason that Jennifer Holiday did not "make it" was not because of her size but because she was exceedingly arrogant and evil. After all, she is not big now and yet she is not a star. Yeah, size and image do matter, it is why Jennifer Lopez will always outsell Kelly Price, but remember we are talking about pop music and fantasies, and this is not about reality it's about popularity. i know that people have this issue with these big black women being the source of so much comedy, but realistically, that is the rest of the reason why I am not a monique fan. Hell why I am not a fan of too much public cooning in general (private cooning is alright.) Once you have too many people living the stereotype why isn't it fair game to laugh at? To me, jokes about brothers liking a big ass is funny because even though not universally true, the popularity of Buffy the Body shows that some cats are on that next level shit. So as long as you are finding 300 lb women trying to be stripping in the club, and being stereotypically "sassy" why would hollywood not make the jokes that everyone else is making?

Which leads me to the main source of my confusion, which is why so many intelligent sisters I know not only fight to be indentified as less attractive than they are, but then they fight because this less attractive manifestation of womanhood is not being objectified. It reminds me of a blog that my homegirl Le'Keisha wrote about the big boned sisters versus the skinny sisters. Stop the fucking madness. We all have a weight to carry with how we look, and depending on that image we have more or less work to do with how we behave and who we are to fill the gap between how we are precevied and how we want to be perceived. Just because I would rather see a woman of a certain size doing a tip drill in a video doesn't mean I am any more likely to be seen in public with her.

Hell the most offensive thing I think I heard in a while was a woman that told me that while I may have been upset because this high school drop out woman with four kids asked me out, she KNOWS that if the woman was more attractive I would have gladly rolled with it. Get off of that shit. Fine people get played too, pretty people getting shitted on all of the time, but because no one identifies with them, because they don't even identify themselves as one of the fortunate, no one feels sorry for them. No instead people like me have to get lambasted because they think its utterly ridiculous to have a 400 pound woman doing a split on national television talking about she is sexy. There is a very wide line between being confident enough to not let your image set your worth, and being delusional enough to think that your self worth is equal to your worth to others. Hell to play along and cheer that to me is what is really cruel. It's just like patting that illiterate teenager on the head as he says he's going to be a doctor when he grows up without someone telling him that he is going to have to learn to read.

Basically the point is, that someone who can't tell the difference between an heavier Black Woman with a PHD and Big Momma is racist... You don't need to claim all that...

Fighting the Good Fight 2/24/07

2008-02-11T23:05:00.002-06:00

To go on the list of things that I thought that everybody knew but apparently they don't.

It's not what you say, it's how (and when) you say it.

What do I mean? well it's like this... sometimes when people are in relationships they have disagreements, they may argue, they may get a little hysterical, who really knows however sometimes when they are talking all that shit and getting annoyed they are always aware that they do not want to leave their current situation. No matter what they may say. However ladies, I will tell you, before you talk too much shit to some man that is not your Husband or fiance... Take a look in the mirror. Cause if you are not looking good you should keep your mouth shut.

Please believe it, see, as a man, we are basically shallow and short-sighted and so short of a marriage which would cost us money to leave, or an engagement where we have already ponied up for a ring, if you get to talking all that big stressful shit while you are busted, its REAL easy for us to leave. See fact is that most people stay in relationships partially because of the person, but also partially out of a question of how easily can I do better? Can I really get a better you in a minute? If a person believes that the answer is yes, then my good sir or madame you will be gone...

Practically, this means that if you roll up on your man and y'all aint had sex in a while and you don't cook ever, and your hair is undone and you are wearing that old sweatsuit cause you have had a cold for the past three days and you are all swollen and messy. Do not pick this as the time to lambast your man's lack of ambition. You will be alone faster than you can say oops. Hell he don't give no fuck, he can't remember what you used to look like or even what you may look like tomorrow, but right now he knows that he can get someone hotter than you are looking at this exact moment that is not stressing the shit out of him so its an easy decision.

This goes the same way for the dudes though. If you are out with your girl at dinner, and you guys are having a great time, the bill comes, you pick up the check, and your credit card(s) get declined so your girl has to pay. Hey, it's cool, I mean there is no judgment, but just to be safe you better shut the fuck up for the rest of the night. I mean you can't get buck about anything broke ass. I mean straight up, I have never met a woman, and don't expect to meet a woman that is going to allow a man that she has to support to talk shit to her. I don't mean makes more money than, I mean she is supporting your ass. She should claim you on her taxes as a dependant. Guess what? she is not going to treat you as an equal cause you are not her equal... She can afford dinner, You, on the other hand, can not. Equality is all out the door. If its a temporary situation its cool, fix the problem tomorrow and just be cool for the night. If it is a permanent situation, your broke ass needs to go to work because you are too poor to be in a relationship where you are anything other than a "kept" man. Whatever you decide is cool, just don't be surprised if your girl is tossing your shit outside after a minor argument right after you have flexed your poverty for the people.

See, shit has to happen from a position of strength, and trying to pretend like certain things don't exist will not help you get anywhere in this world. So the next time you just feel that pressing need to check your man on some annoying ass habit of his, just run to the bathroom, take off the doo rag, make sure that the shirt you are wearing is not just a cute shirt, but looks cute on you... and maybe throw on some heels to be safe. Unless you really do want to gamble with your situation and if that's the case, Sleet always says Double down...

Annoying Shit 1-11-07

2008-02-11T23:05:00.001-06:00

Ok, things that piss me off right, is when people sit around and like co-sign on themselves. I mean, its annoying enough when people spend a lot of time bragging and talking about how hot they are, but no, I am not talking about that, I mean the whole concept of just figuring that you are hot enough and injecting your opinion on bullshit into every conversation.

I can't stand when wack people try to tell you someplace is hot, or not.. Why the hell would I care what your opinion is on the matter? I mean honestly, your ass goes out about twice a month, you know who you came in the damn club with, and you are going to expect me to take your call on what the hot spot is? man shut yo ass up.

Or when people call me up asking what's going on? Look, I can give you a list of shit, or I can tell you some spots, but basically all I can offer is liquor and music. I can't tell you what the crowd is like, I can't promise that you are going to have one of the 7 best times you have ever had in your life, I just can't do it. But no, some people expect you are giving them a full throated endorsement whenever you say a place. Look, this needs to be understood very clearly. We can be in the same place at the same time but not have the same time. It depends on what you consider to be a good time. See I don't go to too many clubs where I don't know the people throwing it and therefore know a fair amount of the crowd, but realistically the part of the crowd I know are the alcoholic cats that kick it all the damn time that I met while we were being the 15 people in the bar on a Tuesday. So yeah I basically have a good enough time whenever I go out because except for special occasions I don't stretch. This means once again I can't tell you if somethings going to be hot.

This also means that I don't give a fuck what you tell me is hot. Especially if you are not in my circle. I have been around enough to know that we are not all into the same shit. I mean hell some people like Secrets... Some people like Karaoke... some people are cool to dance and don't care if the drinks suck. I am none of those people. It's nothing personal. Wack is relative after all. But this is why we can't all kick it. or vouch for kicking it.

the other part of this pet peeve is when people want to kick it and expect to kick it when they bring nothing to the table. It's like don't expect me to be impressed because you say you like kicking it with me. Particularly depending on when/ where we kicked it. It's like if you were out one of the night we were being assholes and got drunk doing shots with reckless abandon and you ended up nice and drunk and home safe all for free, well who wouldn't enjoy that? That's like saying I had fun when you gave me that free steak and a bottle of scotch. Is that really a surprise that I would like that? the question is what am I doing to make you want to do that again? I mean shit, if you aren't bringing around fine ass girls, or have hook ups at the bar, or plugging me with whatever the hell it is, why would I want to keep spending time or money on you? This is where I hear some dumb ass shit like "cause I'm fun" or cool, or something... Ok, here is the hint, NO you are not that damn cool. You are not that damn fun. Get over yourself. Basically you can't co-sign on yourself that you are worth my time. That shit don't work. I am the only one that can say you are worth it because the question is are you worth it to me... I actually can't believe there are grown ass people who don't understand that.

but alas, there are. They are out, there and they nag the shit out of you about taking them out to kick it like you are the charity drink giver. I mean what part of the game is it where you can call me up to just ask me to trick off money on you and be salty when I'm like "I'll pass" and then even still want to harass me about the next time we are hanging out.

I know this was random ranty and shit but damn....

How to have a first Date 1-7-07

2008-02-11T23:04:00.000-06:00

Folks who used to read this for a while know I used to write a lot about bad dates... However, I stopped having so many bad dates by adhering to guidelines but currently I have had more than a few people bitch at me about their bad dates so I figured I'd share some helpful hints that worked for me. I'll prolly address some of the other bad stuff later.

1. Fuck convention. Almost ever bad date I have ever had is steeped somewhere in convention. I don't give a rat's ass if everyone says dinner and whatever is a great date if you don't want to do that shit, don't do it. Nothing is worse than a $150 dinner where the conversation sucked and because you bought all that food you are not even buzzed.

2. Have a safety net for fun. What is a safety net for fun? well it goes along with number 1. I go on dates to bars where I can drink. If I am going to spend $150, I'm going to be fairly twisted so even if you suck I can send you home in a cab (cause you don't want me drunk driving you now do you...) and still pretty much enjoy myself cause I am twisted. If I ahve spent all that money and I am just full, that ain't good enough cause I still had to hear you talk...If we click, its cool, I had fun, you had fun, its all good.

3. Self select. See, when you pick to go on a date to a bar on a Tuesday you have already self selected yourself down to a better sample. See that uptight chick who is going to nag you forever about how you are such a fuck up for going on in the middle of the week and for knowing the names of like 25 different shots, prolly won't come out with you to a bar on Tuesday. The introduction of I am trying to get drunk in the middle of the week kind of tells her something about you, and if she rolls you at least don't have to worry that much about her being uptight. I mean sure there could be other problems, but generally not that she is scared to kick it.

4. If the money is going to bother you, don't go. I know, it seems harsh, but fuck it, when my money is funny I am SHADY. I admit it, but honestly I am not going to have much fun if I have to run a calacultor in my head to make sure I am not embarassed when the bill comes. You would not believe the number of dudes I meet that get to bitchin about being short ofr the month cause they thought they were going to go to the W (home of $14 drinks) and get out for under 40... not happening brother... let it go...

5. Say completely ass ignorant shit early and often. Just so that you can know if they are cool enough to think you are funny, but also so they know you are quite to ridiculous to be considered husband material right now. Just relax, enjoy the liquor, we will deal with all of those other serious questions after I figure out if you annoy the shit out of me or not. After all, why shoudl I waste time finding out your likes and dislikes when all I really need to know is that I could never marry anyone that chews her food like that, or laughs like that... see we all saved time and since you don't know shit about me, no one's invested, I'm just that guy you got drunk with once and we can still be friends...

6. Go directly after work. The other person should have a job, and this way you cut down a fair amount on the likelihood that the other person will be wearing something that is absolutely ridiculous. If they wore something ridiculous and sat through work in it, well you know what you need to know now and if you call them again its your fault. Yup, you are all to blame.

7. don't have multiple phone conversations before the first date. I know you think you are feeling the other person out, but honestly how are you supposed to know if they are lying... you don't know them or their body language at all. That is why the middle of the week after work thing is the greatest. You can see them stutter, search for the bullshit answers they think you want, and whatever, and you don't have to have false expectations that someone is different than they are because their phone game is tight. Not like you are really going to know anyone anyway since 80% of what you learn about someone in the first 3 weeks is complete bullshit. (you can quote me on that one!)

8. Vague is the name of the game. Youa re out with a stranger, why are you telling them all your shit? exactly, there is no reason, just relax, talk about fun shit, talk about dumb shit, do not have deep ass conversations because no one cares. At best its too much information, at worse you are giving them clues about who you are that they use later to fool you into thinking you have a connection. Honestly, no one remembers what they tell people in early date conversation. Even in really GREAT conversations... hell especially in those. Everything is just flowing and if you are just speaking the truth who knows what u said. just keep it light, don't need to know your parents knick names before I know your middle name... ya feel me?

9. Already have your background check done, or at least partially completed... There is nothing worse than that fear that someone you met is cool as hell but they got soooooo many potential dealbreakers out there. Its best to know what you can easily find out as soon as possible. I mean, hell, you know when you met you got the name, school they went to and occupation, better send that through your database and see who knows who you know. If someones rep is too bad, to obviously, why waste anyone's time or money, or play with people's emotions? exactly there is no reason...

All of these rules are basically modifiable to fit your personality. Ie, if you don't like to kick it like that, i wouldn't reccommend Tuesday dates in a bar... I mean that is just me though, but these pretty much assures that all of your dates can get at least partial credit as kicking it excursions even if things don't jump, which is as close to a win win as we get in this game...

Check Um 12/17/06

2008-02-11T23:02:00.002-06:00

I go out a fair amount, so I meet a lot of people. Of course I don't recognize/ remember a lot of folks, sometimes I will try to play it off but sometimes I am just too tired to go that far. But what do I hate? I hate when I introduce myself to a dude and his response is "You've met me before." What the hell am I supposed to say in response to that one? I mean who the fuck says something like that without some greater purpose. It is obvious if someone is introducing themselves to you that they don't remember you. what's worse is that you remember them so now you feel insecure because you gave them more thought than they gave you. I get it, it hurts, but damn homie keep that whining shit to yourself.

Which gets to my main point, at some point we got too many whining ass dude in this world, or as I call them Bitch asses... Its a stark hybrid of mal adapters who had a bad reaction to women's liberation. They accepted equal women when it comes to giving up responsiblity but still want to swagger and gain the deference like men of old. Ok, basic point, in the old days, Men got deference because women did not work. The man understood that his job was to make sure everyone could eat and be happy and safe and if that mean he had to have 3 jobs and a heart attack when he was 50 that is what he had to do, cause he was a man. Now a days we live in a whole different world. I mean hey, I understand the whole pimp school "break-a-bitch" mentality... I do, I'm from the Chi I get it, but you have to differentiate between pimping and when you like a chick. You can't expect a woman that you like to take your bullshit and then call her out for expecting to be treated right and not thinking you are stupid... its a bad look.

For instance the whole Gold digger thing is how cats got over. Girls take so much cheap shit so they wont be called a gold digger, yet realistically the fact is that a woman with a good job is naturally going to be more expensive. I mean hell, if you girl is making six figures and y'all go to a restaurant she prolly wont pick the cheapest thing on the menu, cause she can afford what she wants so she will get it. If you can't afford it your dumb ass should have got on the internet before you picked this spot to make sure you could afford it. How you gonna get mad cause the woman thought that you could afford what she could afford? I mean yeah I am an advocate of the fact that there is a difference between buying one meal and two, but when I see cats mad cause the girl didn't order the chicken at the steak house I have to wonder what is wrong with cats.

But its not just dates... the Bitch ass spreads all over. We have a entire generation of whiny ass men who think they are hard. Sensitive thugs, who want you to respect them as MEN while they remain constant fuck ups. Then they want to blame historical discrimination for why they are fuck-ups. Look, I know I am hard on cats, but these are the same sweater wearing fools that run all of these black mentoring programs who teach boys dumb shit like its alright to cry and put forth this image of black man hood which is basically some Tavis Smiley ass fool with razor bumps shirtless holding a baby and reading poetry, while forgetting that your real job is to raise and protect that child and give him a roof and options. The Black child doesn't need hugs. He needs to be able to compete. He needs to understand that no matter how bad a hand you have in life you still have to play it or fold. It's not sentimental, its not even nice, but its real.

Finally my main pet peeve from these cats are the ones that give me the heartfelt conversations about how they are going to stop dating Black women because they are "too difficult." Now I will be the first to tell you that every woman sure ain't worth it, and a lot of these people are not all good. However, can you really expect a woman to defer to you if you would get her pregnant and work to hustle the system to not pay ANY child support? I mean damn, if a woman deferred to half of the dudes she messed with she would be dead depending on those cats. Now realistically this is a 2 way problem. As Katt Williams said, "I suggest you stop fucking with Bitch ass niggas..." so true so very true. Whe the cat you are messing with is just so sensitive to every perceived insult and starts pouting at the drop of a dime you need to reasses what exactly it is you like about dude. I mean honestly, if professional sisters are really that willing to take care of someone holla at your boy if you make enough money... at least I can cook. ;o) My point being that when it comes to "difficult" women, most of them will defer if you step up and prove worthy of the trust. I mean hell most folks regardless of race or gender would love to be taken care of if they know things would work out. The world is big and complex and cold and one less thing to think about is always a good thing. But you can't sign that responsiblty off to someone who can't take it, and unfortunately for some of these dudes out here they need to know that if they want to big piece of chicken, and the big chair in the house, its because everyone knows that if need be you will find away to make the ends meet and if someone threatens the fam you will kill a wild boar with your bear hands. That's the job brother. Yeah being a man sucks, but what you gonna do?

exactly, Man Up... or as I say "Check yo bitch"

Just a Little Algebra 11-27-06

2008-02-11T23:02:00.001-06:00

The worse I have ever been cussed out by a woman was when I turned her down for sex. She offered, I said no thanks, and I proceeded to get called all sorts of bitch asses and homos and whatever else you can think of. I figured out that this caused a great offense because of a misconception that women have that in general men will sleep with any woman. That basically men are always ready to go… Well that is not true, in fact the answer to the question of who a man is willing to sleep with is solved by a simple mathematic equation. Without further ado:

(What does the girl Look Like scale 1-10, 10 being finest) * (How Easy is it 10 being Easiest)/ ((Who could find out, 10 being everyone you care about)*(How likely they are to find out, 10 being certain to find out))(factored by the relationship that the man is currently in, 1 being single 5 being married)= sex quotient.

Yeah I know that is a little dense, so basically we will work it out with numbers. On one in the of the spectrum you have a dime piece woman that is offering herself to you in a foreign country that no one you know has ever been or is planning on going and you are single. That looks like this:

(10)*(10)/((1)*(1))1^st power=100.0

So basically the man is guaranteed to have sex with this woman. On the other hand if the woman is ugly, and will require 2 years of expensive dates, and back flips and when you finally would get to have sex it would be announced in an email blast on your job and to the promoter list of the parties you go to the most as well as a Youtube feed of the deed being sent to your wife. That equation looks like this:

(1)*(1)/((10)*(10)) 5^th power= .0000000001

Basically there is no statistical chance that the man will have sex with this woman. Of course the real world falls somewhere in the middle of all of this doesn't it? And therein lies the problem.

See everywoman that a man knows has a sex quotient, but just knowing a sex quotient isn't enough. First of all because the number is not static. The concept of who can find out and how likely depend on the circumstances involved and can change at any given moment. Ie, while you are in school with someone there might be a high danger of important people finding out, while after you have graduated and if you live in different cities the issue becomes almost nonexistent. Also the factors can change depending on how much of a relationship you are in… Finally, while you can pretty much extrapolate on the extremes the issue is that you never know what sex quotient is the cut off for a particular brother to be driven into action. Basically, a risk adverse or hyper private individual might have a sex quotient of 80, however a grimey cat or a stupid cat might go as low as the teens. You can pretty feel this out approximately where the dude you knows line is though….

Also important is to understand that on some level all dudes do this equation but depending on the intelligence and information available to the dude the Quotient may not be specific. Ie, human error always occurs, a man can overvalue a woman's looks, have a different valuation of the ease of access, or undervalue the potential to be caught which would throw the quotient off. Also there is bad information, ie, if you don't know that your current girls best friend is the line sister of your side chick, your chance of getting caught is much higher than anticipated…

This information though is not just important to catch cheating dudes, but to give women perspective on single dudes. You can't get mad at a dude because your sexual quotient wasn't high enough for him to venture forward. It's not a diss to your womanhood or anything like that, its just mathematics…

Cheat Codes 11-13-06

2008-02-11T23:01:00.000-06:00

The scariest thing about going around in the world is when you sit back and you realise exactly how much basic dysfunction most people have in their lives. Not to say that I don't have any because I definitely have my issues, and for the most part I don't begrudge the right of anyone to have their little quirks. I mean basically that is what makes you into an actual person, however, there are certain things that have come to be almost universally accepted as normal in life that makes me figure that I am destined to be on the outside looking in...

One thing that came out to me was being at the John Legend concert. (Side note, that show taught me that there is no musician that I am actually a fan of. Even R. Kelly, I just aint about to scream my head off cause some grown ass man is about to sign a song... naah) Basically at one point in the show John starts talking about his cheating songs, and how he had to cut down on that cause girls will get you back. At this point the women started cheering, which reminded me about the number of women I will hear talking about if their man cheats on them they will cheat back. WTF? That is about the most irrational shit in the world. Maybe its just me but if the person you are in a relationship with cheats on you and you find out, you have two choices, you can stay or you can go. If you stay, that doesn't mean u have a free pass to cheat, if it did, what kind of relationship are you in anyway?

It's like this radio show I was listening to, a woman called in and said that right before she got married, like the week before she bumped into her ex and slept with dude. Now she was wondering if she should tell her man. (Side note 2: my answer to this question is hell no, keep that shit to yourself, but I digress) Anyway people started calling in the radio station talking about how yeah they fall in bed with their ex every now and again even though they got a man, and they don't really see the big deal. Word? So basically, why are these people together? I mean if cheating doesn't matter, and you fight all the time, why are you "together"? I mean you can definitely get sex out of relationships so what's the deal? Its dysfunction, but the problem is that its not just "them" it is the people that you are around everyday.

Finally on the cheating thing they were showing the Today show or something about cheating getting so out of control and the growth industry of detective agencies who will follow your significant other to see if they are cheating... Ok, now this should be easy but just in case I will let you know. If you are at the point that you feel the need to spend your hard earned money on having someone follow your man or your woman around to see if they are cheating, you relationship is already fucked... It really doesn't matter what the detective finds. I mean come on, once you are hiring help you don't trust the person, and well its prolly for a reason, right or wrong, but if you have that little trust your relationship is already broken. Nothing that a detective does or does not find is going to put trust in your set up. And its the trust that is more important than the actual is he or isn't he.

But these are the little differences in expectations that make interactions problematic. If you think something is normal that I think is absolutely insane we will never see eye to eye.

A Conundrum 10/29/06

2008-02-11T22:59:00.002-06:00

So i was reading my homegirl Kamilah's great blog about the BBs or the Bitter Bitches, and it reminded me about something that more and more I am beginning to believe is a truth. The reality is that once you have reached a certain age, if you are single, with no prospects, damn near all of the people that know you know WHY you are single. It may not necessarrily be that your personality sucks (though sometimes it is that) it can be something as benign as that you want to be, or you are too focused on something else, but generally most people that have two conversations with you being single with no prospects would not be surprised. Now I am not sure what the cut off age is, but yeah most of us are past it, it is definitely somewhere in the mid 20s range, but anyway once you get to that point you sort of begin to wear your personality more and if you have a dysfunction it is usually front and center.

Of course your real friends love you and they honestly may not see it. I have to believe this because I have known too many women that I honestly believe to be intelligent who have asked, "why is my girl _____ still single?" to which I usually reply "are you fucking kidding?" (at least in my head.) Thing that is worse is that people who don't really know the person but have shorter interactions usually come to the same conclusions in a short period of time, which leads me to think that well it could still just be all of us that is tripping, but... yeah maybe its you.

Of course on the other hand I was having a convo with a friend and we were discussing a mutual friend who I suppose tends to be a bit extra. However, no one has told him that he is a bit extra, and he will get the occasional feedback based off of his resume, so pretty much what he may consider to be a decent batting average is in fact his despite of ranking. It is particularly sad when you realise the people who would have given him a better shot with slight modifications. Yet, no one has bothered to break this down to him. Now I know there are poltical realities where there are certain truths you just don't want to be the one to tell your friends. I mean its one thing to be honest enough to say that your outfit isn't cute, or you have put on a bit too much weight, its a whole other thing to say "yeah you know that personality trait that you think is cool, yeah... you're the only one... Everyone else things that sucks." Just doesn't go over very well. And basically strangers don't have the incentive to really make thie rlife difficult by exposing themselves to all sorts of name calling and the like for trying to help your self improvement.

Of course if both of these things are true, that basically means that everyone knows what's wrong with you, but no one will tell you... Now talk about some shit that is depressing. of course what is the solution... while I am all for re-thinking mean, constructive criticism only works if the person can sort of see the love behind it, and therefore will listen and not get defensive, and honestly that is not the case most of the time now is it. So basically, sad people go through life confused or left to dream about a future that is unfortunately in many cases within their power to achieve just they are at a shortage of self actualization and people that actually give enough of a damn to let them know... The rest of us just kind of get into the pattern of watching the train wrecks occur... That my friends is what we call a conundrum...

Obama in 08 11-04-06

2008-02-11T22:59:00.001-06:00

I know tis almost election day and I think you should vote... Particularly for Giannoulias in illinois for Treasurer, but this just came up after reading a few responses to why Obama should not run in 2008.

That being said Obama should run in '08, if for no other reason than because politics is a game and you have to go when you have momentum. If a democrat wins on 08 and Obama is not on the ticket he can't run in '12 because the democrat from his party is going for re-election. In '16 the vice president would be the presumptive nominee which would leave a bruising primary that he may or may not win. If he skipped that race and the Democrat lost in '16 then maybe he would be set for 2020. Of course by that point he would have spent 16 years in the Senate, practically a deathwish for someone running for President (and part of the reason why all the talk about John McCain is nonsensical.) Not to mention that no one remains a superstar for 16 years, at some point you have to choose a side. Factually, Obama is a very smart man who can gain a grasp on the issues but he is not the best politician from any account. He is fond of the quote "Politics ain't beanball" but does he have to stomach for the dirt and knives that come out as you go for the top. Momentum and popularity can deflect a great deal of those things and have him only have to survive a couple of barrages instead sustained attacks, which means he's got to run...

Everyone talks about is Obama ready? Black folks are funny in that way because we are protecting or young star. But that is the mark of greatness, the reason people believe in Obama is that since 1968 America has been Searching for Bobby Kennedy. Somebody young, energetic, with a mix of pragmatic optimism who would lead America to answer its call to greatness. The country has been so thirsty for it they fell for the cheap reincarnations where the rhetoric did not match the reality because the presentation was good, but as they say, the truth sounds different, and to most Americans Obama seems the closest to Bobby. His final challenge, and a necessity if he runs is to break free of the mold of the Washington insiders and embrace the big ideas and grand plan as it seems like he has in the Audacity of Hope. Honestly, if you ever go back and listen to Bobby Kennedy talk then tell me when was the last time you have heard anyone speak like that where you believed them? Where their actions backed it up... and even more when you weren't afraid that the world would destroy them.

That is the legacy of the 60s in my opinion. America lost its innocence and lost its way. The deaths of JFK, MLK, Bobby Kennedy, and Malcolm X showed that it was not enough to be strong and powerful and stand up to the system. That you could be destroyed, you could be silenced, and since then there has been a gap in greatness. After that point and the fiascos of Vietnam and Watergate the best and the brightest turned their energies to making money which led to the corporate cultures and excesses that took over the 80s and 90s, and have led to the moral vacuum that is public life in the 21st century. There is hardly shock anymore when candidates are caught on youtube being the assholes that they are and the general lack of believablity is choking the democracy. It is strictly amazing how many people truly believe that the Republicans will keep control of Congress on Tuesday because the voting machines are fixed, yet we take it because no one really believes that one party is better than the other.

But then there is Obama. The power is that correct or not people who generally hate politicians BELIEVE IN HIM... The cynics are working overtime to prove that he is shady, and just like the rest with a slightly better rap, and it all may be true, but right now the people believe, and America needs that... Even in 2008...

Plus he can win... The country is so polarized that states like New York, Illinois, California, Massachuttes, and Pennsylvania are definitely going Blue. In the current climate he has a stronger possiblity in Ohio and with Bush leaving Florida this year the fix is not in like it once was. Finally in Michigan, Virginia, Nevada, even Iowa are possiblities particularly given that Obama isn't Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton Black. If he pulls Mark Warner as VP it is VERY doable. Harold Ford has shown how much headway you can make with a well run campaign so don't count it out...

Run Obama Run

It's All a Matter of Your Perspective 11/4/06

2008-02-11T22:58:00.000-06:00

You ever notice how things look different depending on your perspective? Like how some shit is cool when you know a person and it is an outgrowth of their personality, and the same shit if you don't know them may seem weird. Its like my blog, people get different shit from it depending on if they actually know me, and how well they know me and etc... Along those lines I would like to plea to people that no matter how much some fucking relationship or self help guru tries to tell you that it is best to be yourself and comfortable up front, DON'TCHUBUHLEEVE IT!!!! That shit just really ain't true. Case in point, I was reading my homegirls blog and she was talking about dancing with this dude in the club and Danity Kane "Showstoppers" came on. Dude got charged like "That is my song" and singing along with the "oh oh ohs." Now um, yeah, considering how much of the downlow and shit is going on in this world one has to take advantage of context clues in making decisions. Now nothing is wrong with liking Danity Kane, hell I like the song, but um, if I am trying to talk to a girl I sort of prefer to stay mainstream so she can KNOW in her head I am straight before I start sending mixed signals.

Not saying you have to let her come in your car and you are blasting that new Kill a Nigga Twice: The Mixtape. But you must be aware. Don't believe me? aiight. Ladies, if you meet a dude y'all talk and he offers you a ride or you are there when he drives off or he picks you up on a blind date and he's got an Anita Baker cd playing, are you really comfortable? Yeah I thought not. I mean honestly I know dudes may be trying to set the mood, but I can understand concern to the dude just randomly rolling to some sweet shit, and I do it. Same deal, or worse, if its like when I was waiting in line at the house of Blues and saw a truck filled with SIX (6) dudes blasting ole Johnny Falsetto. The cats saw folks looking at them in disbelief and went around the corner and came back Blasting that Wu-Tang... we was like "too late." You gotta keep it underwraps...

I can't even get into what is and is not permissible because honestly its in the eye of the beholder. I mean I will say that R. Kelly, no matter the song, will get more of a pass with Chicago folks, and that a dude rolling around to Brittney Spears is NEVER ok. The rest of music falls somewhere in the middle. My advice, use your damn radio.

This is the same shit I talk about with drinks. The rules aren't hard and fast and permanent, but first impressions are a mutha. You really can't be mad cause a girl wouldn't talk to you because you were drinking a Pina Colada in the club. I mean I am sure there was a reason, and if you are with your girl/ wife, its all good, but other wise you really need to save the frozen drinks and Midori sours for another occasion. If they put a pineapple chunk in your drink... I would say no... but once again it depends on the audience but just know what you are putting out there.

Same shit with girls... the thing that girls got to keep underwraps are the strange ass habits. Like its understood that everyone has strange habits, I mean we all have quirks. But the same way that women are scared of men on the downlow, dudes are scared of women that are REALLY crazy. See the general rule for all of this is that whatever you do when you first meet someone the expectation is that it is going to get worse. So if you are talking to yourself on the first date, dude figures the house is going to get burnt down. That same dude that thinks your habit of chewing napkins is cute now would have been freaked out on the first date. That dude who understands that sometimes you laugh randomly about a joke you heard a week ago would have thought you were bordering on having a disorder if you didn't hold that shit underwraps. The fact that all things being equal you would prefer to never drink from a yellow straw is fine with your friends, but if you can't hold that shit underwraps with new people you must accept the fact that people will believe that you are fucking nuts. It's really all perspective though. (*Because I love my friends I am not using anyone's real quirks so if this really is your issue I apologize, I was just trying to make a point... don't kill me psycho, oops I mean sweetie :o)

People Watching 10/23/06

2008-02-11T22:57:00.001-06:00

Gotta love People watching... Just wander through downtown or anywhere for that matter and you'd be amazed with what you see. Recent observations:

In the year of our Lord 2006, why does anyone really think that it is ok to wear a scary curl, or a Malcolm X conk? I mean really. You have to do active shit to get your hair like that, did you not realise that shit went out of style or what? One day I am just going to ask someone rocking it.

What is the deal with like poor 80 year old Black men wearing G-Unit Jeans and sweatshirts? You know somewhere their neglectful ass gradnchildren or great grandchildren were like "fuck it, these are on sale at Marshalls. Gramps will be keeping it real." Not realizing that you grandfather was still going to pull those ultra baggy pants up to his belly button and get them hemmed and pressed, and that there was no way he was going to look sensible with 50 cent on his chest...

Gotta love the middle aged white guys in their casual outfit of a bomber jacket, too tight jeans, and their receding hairline. It would be funnier if it weren't so sad.

Why in the hell are there so many pairs of ugly ass shoes in the world? I understand that everything doesn't have to be expensive and designer, but why so much ugly shit. Of course ugly expensive shit is worse than ugly cheap shit, cause at least you have the excuse of being frugal instead of just tacky.

nothing brightens up a downtown day of seeing men and women run around in dark gray or blue, conservative suits like seeing an honest to goodness pimp in a 3 piece white and silver suit with now and later gaters on... Clean than a muh... hat cocked, bejeweled walking stick, and versace shades... standing there with no sense of irony... But brother, you can't be getting on the Bus... I mean really? are times that hard?

You also got to love the people that are a bit too fashion forward like they don't realize that we are in Chicago. I love this city but its still the midwest, we need to tone down some of the extra euro influences, you just look weird if you seem to be dressed right out of vogue. Not to mention that its a work day... work clothes just seem more sensible.

I know this is wrong but am I the only one who has a hard time figuring out why a healthy 24 year old white kid is on the street homeless and begging?

What I really love is looking out the window on days like today where if you are inside you would have no idea what the temperature is because there will be someone bundled up in a winter coat, with hat, scarf, mittens, the whole nine (usually a black woman) standing right next to someone in a slacks and a dresshirt sleeves rolled up talking on the telephone (usually a white man).

Seeing a grown ass man still wearing an 8ball jacket is why I don't believe in spending a ton of money for trendy logofied shit... I mean when your shit goes out of style, EVERYONE knows it, but maybe you can't afford to replace it just right now, or hell, do you really want to have wasted all that loot on one winter? Just say no...

It's great walking about ten feet behind a fine woman on the street and watching all of the subtle and not so subtle ways the massive numbers of men try to turn around and check out that ass. What's best is that it goes well beyond all rules of race, class, or creed. All men just love the booty, apparently.

Just Relations or Relationships 10/22/06

2008-02-11T22:56:00.002-06:00

Ok, so the fact is that a lot of the ignorant shit I write sort of depends on what type of relationship you are in. Obviously standards are different in a marriage than when you first start dating. I mean hell if you and your man want to sit around and drink frozen Midori Sours, that is all good. (I would hope the man wouldn't do that shit in public unless you were already married but hey...)Fact is that no matter what rules or ideas anyone has, if they like the person they will do whatever they damn well please and put up with whatever as long as its worth it to them...

The problem of course comes in when people start taking all sorts of relationship liberties, when they are not in a serious relationship, because no matter how much you hang out or whatever you do if the person is just not that into you there are no wins for certain cocky behavior. I will tell you for real, there is a thin line between really cute and really corny or annoying, and it all depends on how much you are in to that other person. I really don't want you to be that person that gets snapped on as a habitual line stepper because you were assuming it was deeper than it was, up here eating up some womans food that is just putting up with you. Or to be that person calling folks pet names in public when his friends know you as my Bust down... It's like the saddest thing I ever see on MySpace when someone has In a Relationship on their profile, and a couple shot up top, yet the other party has single on there page and not a pic of the other person in sight. Is the second party bogus, or is the first party presumptous? That is the question... Yeah I know sometimes things can be confusing and you don't always know but there are clues as to whether you are in a real relationship or not.

1. How do the friends treat you? I think it goes without saying that if you never met the other persons friends that you are obviously not their girl. However, if you know the cats its a question of how they treat you. Like in most circumstances if dude has really told her boys that he is on you like that they sort of give you a little space and are just real polite because they know that almost no matter what you say or do they are going to give you a pass unless its enough to cut off ties with their boy. I mean they will be friendly and nice, but in general they will keep things a lot more PG or vanilla then they do with normal girls because you are in a protected class. No offense but its not cause you are that cool, or anything else, and particularly for some girls, don't think that your little asshole personality tendecies are cute because your man's friends don't cuss you out. Hell if the dude is really serious about you his friends take bullshit off of your friends as well, but that also doesn't mean that these dudes just are impressed with your asshole tendencies. They prolly just talk shit behind your (and your mans) back. If y'all break up, all bets or off, and if you were enough of a jerk some cats will be looking for a chance to snap on you in public. Yeah its childish... I accept that.

2. If your interaction only ends with sex, and usually after 2am. Despite what I ahve said about dudes lying to themselves if they sleep with a woman too many times and cuddle and all the rest about being in a relationship. The fact is that it is a dysfunctional relationship, but they are not that in to you. If you don't have phone conversations that end with something other than when that night you or they are coming over. You don't IM, or email, or shit, and you never hang out, don't confuse sex for a relationship. It's funny because these are the girls who will always get the bright idea one night when they are getting the 2am call during their time of the month to just show up expecting to sit on your couch and watch a movie and cuddle for the night... When exactly have we ever done that? If we have never hung out that is quite the ridiculous assumption.

3. For dudes, the fact that you are spending money on her with reckless abandon does not make you her man. No matter what you did. My homegirl told me about a dude who got pissed becvause he figured that since they did saturday errands together, after they had gone to a couple of dinners they were in a relationship. You just can't be assume shit like that, particularly based off of those facts. I mean if the woman wants a steak she may very well take one. Hell, girls have an amazing ability to believe that guys randomly just like to take them out with no ulterior motives (note: that shit is not true). But you have to check the clues, if you are always introduced as my friend or my homey, or my guy, don't be surprised if you one day you think you are on a date and she gives her number to some dude that approaches her (which is a little bogus) or you see her out on an actual date... You really have no position to snap homey...

Point is you really are never going to just strong arm someone into being into you, even if there are nice for a while or have let their guilt overcome them you really need to be easy until there has been some clear vocalization of the fact that both sides are all in. If someone wants to lie about that one, hey all insanty is justified...

Just One of Those Things That Came To My Attention 10-15-06

2008-02-11T22:56:00.001-06:00

Just so you can understand it unless you didn't understand it before. There is absolutely positively no way to be cool when you are in love. Suck it up, that is the facts, but for dudes, you got to just be man enough to love your woman.

See the fact is that in the Black community especially being cool is fairly equated with being hard. In general there is a basic level of mysogyny that exists, not just in rap music but that is generally a part of being cool. It's all about I don't love these hoes, or I am not really affected, or I am on my own shit. However, that just ain't that in love shit.

It's always funny when I am out with dudes and somebody can't hang out with the guys because he has to go hang out with his girl. But notice how that is put, he HAS to hang with his girl. When in fact is he WANTS to hang with his girl. He prefers to hang with his girl over y'all sweating ass negroes, but he ain't gonna say it. Nope, he gotta act like he is on punishment. But that's fine, all dudes have been there we play along.

Of course what's worse is when the girl ahs completely changed the dude and he has been forced into these public displays and he tries to act like he can make being with his girl cool in the old fashion way. Case in point, Jay-Z and Nas. both of these two are out here trying to act like they are still the same hard street cats that they once were and that some kind of way they are pimps being in songs with their women. Of course the issue is no matter how much you want to play it off and she talks about being freaky with you, if that is your wife, you're not actually pimping her now are you? But that's cool, just accept the fact that you are a bit soft. Nas is actually the one that brings this out of me with Kelis's new "Blindfold" video. He is so trying to act like he is still cool and hard with his new album coming out, though he knows his woman ain't the type to take all that bullshit. The only way to make it better is to just man up and admit you like your girl. It's cool, we all got to grow up sometime. But you will never be cool in the same way. Accept it and move on.

As for ladies, two things, number one, have baby steps with your dude because its hard. He may actually love you and be down, but its real hard for a man to let go of being cool around his boy, give him a little leeway as long as he generally is acting right. It takes some time to realize that you ahve given up one part of being cool in life. The other reason is that there really is no way for a woman to be cool in love neither. Society is cool with a woman trying to whip her man into shape, or whatever, but see how mch your friends like you when you are dissing them to sit up under some dude, or how much they like you waxing on about how much you love that negro's dirty draws... That's right, nobody want to hear that. It's like that song "Chante's got a man" nobody really wanted to hear that shit... when it aint you, you don't want to hear that shit, even though you may be happy if it is one of your friends that is super happy, so that is more reason to take it easy on your man when he has trouble adjusting.

Foreplay or Forplay 10/22/06

2008-02-11T22:54:00.000-06:00

So I just ended up in a conversation about foreplay... Like foreplay is an idea of something that can just end. It really did illuminate certain things. First of all, when it comes to certain shit, girls need to just acknowledge they are on some bullshit. certain things don't make sense. I will say this, its called foreplay... that means its before something. Not the thing itself. I was shocked because I sat in a room full of girls who seemed amazed that I believed that the main point of kissing is to lead to sex...

So in that vein I feel the need to explain once and for all, that yes in most cases, dudes would like to have sex. There is not a lot of interest from a grown ass man of making out with you for the sake of making out with you. I mean he may not pout, or whine, or whatever, but no grown ass man is happy just making out. Hell that is blueballs like a mutha, and them shits hurt. I mean seriously, what is the point? It's like stretching for the sake of stretching... somewhere there should be some real sport being played if you are exercising. It is a warm up for goodness sakes.

Think about it this way, how does any make out session end? you don't spend two hours kissing on somebody and then be like "whew, ok that was enough, I am satisfied, I will leave now." Hell to the naw, I know every one of those night I have ever had ended like "ok, you better get out of here before I do too much." and me trying to find some cold shower that night... It's not a good look, that is why men figured that they needed to have cut offs so they didn't have those 4am nights.

Problem is that girls like the attention, sometimes they just want to make out, sometimes they just want a warm body around but they don't want to do too much. and how do they justify the not being upfront about what they are on? by saying shit like "dude won't make out with me if he knows there is no sex at the end." Is that really a reason to hide shit? cause you won't get what you want? wow... that is real deep. I men my thing is this, just be up front, if no sex is jumping off, say that, let the dude make his own decision. Yeah he may think he can change your mind but fuck it, that is not your problem. You were upfront about it. Not like this will really change shit, but damn... just let it be said that you are on notice that your dude ain't happy. He make take it, and I can sort of respect it if you figure you will let a dude suffer in silence until he mans up about what he wants, but at least don't feed me the bullshit like you thought you were doing right.

It's dangerous to play with the game of expectations. This is honestly one spot where I think men and women are just completely different. I have never met a guy that agreed with foreplay for the sake of foreplay. I mean you can like it, there can be tons you like about it, you can spend a lot of time on it, but the point of it all is to end in sex for the dude, that is that. We have learned that since we are just not in control of how it works that we have to accept whatever speed the woman is moving at but that does not mean that he has accepted his plight as sensible. It just means he has to protect himself from wasting too much time or getting frustrated to the point that he really messes himself up later...

Just to Clear Things Up a Bit 10/15/06

2008-02-11T22:53:00.000-06:00

I was talking with my homegirl, and she was telling her girl that I was real anti relationship. I have heard that quite a few times so I just wanted to clarify. I am not anti relationship. I am anti STUPID relationships. See there is a difference, its like too many relationships that people are going back and forth about and being all dramatical about are just inherrently flawed but I am supposed to act like I don't see it? that's bullshit. A few examples of stupid relationships:

1. The fall back. The fall back relationship is that dude or girl you were just wasting time with and then someone you really liked turned you down, so you convinced yourself that this fool that you never really cared about it really love instead of just a soft place to crash. Yeah I hate that shit. Especially since if your friend is with a fall back, you prolly got to hear them talk all sorts of shit about the person at first and then they want you to believe they are in love. riiiiiiiiiight.

2. The psycho. The psycho is the relationship were you know the person is crazy. I don't mean red flags, I mean they like flipped out and tried to stab you in the restaurant on the second date crazy. Yet for whatever reason you keep going out with them and next thing you know you are in a relationship. Then your friend is sitting up here trying to big up all the good things that their partner does like you are supposed to ignore the fact that you can't call them without blocking your number or that they have to febreeze their coat if they eat some popcorn cause they get their clothes sniffed on the daily.

3. The slide in. The slide in is that relationship that progresses because nothing has gone wrong. Sometimes only one person likes the other sometimes its neither, but basically they have gone out a few times, the thrill is gone but everyone is comfortable. So after a few months they are in a relationship and after a few years they start thinking they need to get engaged, just because ain't shit really wrong, even though ain't shit really right. When people slide into an engagement, once again folks be expecting you to be happy.

4. The fraud. Now this is my personal pet peeve. If you cheat on your damn girlfriend with reckless and wild abandon please do not expect me to respect you damn relationship. I mean you don't respect it, how can I? I mean hell do what you do, no judgment, particularly if I don't know the other person like that, but don't expect me to sit around and listen to you brood about how deep your love is when I know you have had so much side action. just keep that shit.

I mean there are other fake ass relationships but those are the ones I see the most that just be fezzin a brotha up. But if your shit is real I am all for it. I am so pro black love. Hell my parents have been married 35 years after only dating 6 weeks so I believe that shit is possible, yet as a divorce lawyer I stay seeing the dumb shit people do. Of course, its no judgment, if you like it I love it, but when you on dumb shit I got my limits, just don't be asking me to be making toasts at your wedding and all that. :o)

The Economics of the Game 10-11-06

2008-01-22T01:16:00.000-06:00

Those of y'all that are in these streets know that the game is dirty... there is no way around it. Its grimey but its a necessarry evil to those that kick it like that. The problem is that most people you meet aren't really dedicated to the game and doing what they gotta do to kick it for the good of all people so the rules of the game need to be broken down a touch.

Rule #1. Give back to the game. The game is like Karma, every night out is not going to be classic, its not going to be a Jigga video, however sometimes you have to give your all to the game so that good times still exist. See some people just want to take from the game, and that sucks. Plus it leads to diminishing returns for all involved. For example, there might be a day that you don't want to go out, but you sort of need to, and if you go out you can't half ass it. If you are cute, you gotta get cute, if you spend money you gotta spend money, etc. etc. See if people always waited for guaranteed hot nights to go out, there would never be hot nights, but by you showing up and giving your all, you motivate others to show up the next time and soon enough there is a classic night on the horizon. Some people did it for you when you had the great night, so you have to give back to the game.

Rule #2 Eliminate Free Riders. See free riders are like those crew hangers on that try to never take the Ls or give back to the game but want to live off your shine on good nights. Fact is that while I may get into some clubs for free, its because I am out like 5 days a week and have met all the promoters by repeated taking serious dents out of their bar minimums. do I really need random cats then trying to roll in the spot with me, or always missing their day to cover the tab? Hell to the Naw... They need to give back to the game.

Rule #3. Invest wisely. Sometimes when you are out cats will buy 4 drinks for 4 different people. They leave the night a lot broker, but having made no advancements on their holler. That does not make sense, one has to consider where they spend their money. There are all types of logistical considerations which for prudences sake I wont get into right now, that one must think about before they just start throwing money down a hole. Consider your investment so that you are not just blindingly supporting the game and not getting anything in return. Think about it, even your mutual fund allows you to choose some direction into which types of investments you wish to make.

Rule #4 Never underestimate the need to educate the market. This basically means be up front about what you are offering to maximize your return. In the club everyone looks the same on some certain level. and all people sort of assume that every unknown is equvalent to the lowest common denominator. So basically, every dude is greasy and has greasy motives, and every girl is a bust down. That is why there must be some sense of parameter setting in the inital meetings lest all other actions are judged through a lens that is not flattering to the rest of your approach.

Rule #5 Its a marathon not a race. I promise that unless you are from out of town, every single MF that you meet in the club you will see again without trying. You don't need to try and lock everything down right now. I can only think of about 1 person that I have ever met in these streets that I have not randomly seen later and know how to find if I want to, its aiight.

Rule #6 Run a cost benefit analysis. In other words, impluse purchases are not a good look. Basically, everything you do in the game has consequences. Every action adds to your reputation. Do your damn research. Everybody you meet, knows someone you know, or at least you both know someone that knows the same person, therefore learn the consequences before you jump too far out the gate. If you are not carefully you will find yourself barred from certain spots. Also, you gotta ask yourself what you are getting out of each transaction. At a certain point there has to be diminished returns, is the feedback worth the time and money expended? Is the bit of fun worth the stress of attracting a psycho? Have an answer before you move forward.

Rule #7 Don't take it personal. Everybody is on their hustle. you don't really know someone until you talk to them a few times out of the environment of the game (ie the club) however its like being in the wilderness, one may not be on their best behavior when they are trying to survive in this hostile habitat, but their actual personality may be different. Remember that all wild animals are dangerous, but some of them actually can be domesticated, they just must be removed from the particular environment.

Rule #8, recognize some level of decorum. you cant have multiple crew members hollerin at the same person. The toe stepping is not a good look. The specific rules can always be negotiated, but internal conflict shows weakness and is often exploited so keep your shit tight as to the faultlines in your crew. Remember that anyone you meet will assume that your "crew" consists of the people you were with when they met you. Disrespecting those folks, even if they were basically strangers makes you look quite grimey.

Rule #9 Know when to make cuts. Some people just dont belong in your crew, its cool, it happens, it does not disrespect the value of any one person but it is mostly a question of chemistry. No sports team could always just sign the best player, no, champions have built a team that completements each other. To win the in the game you must do the same. Its really that simple.

By taking into account the science of the game you can plan to maximize stories and fun and minimize some of the stress of the game. Unfortunately it is not a perfect equations since cats are real good for coming up with new things that need to be covered in a rule, but as with everything, all laws are subject to review, and revision.

Ghosts of Mississippi 10-05-06

2008-01-22T01:13:00.000-06:00

Lost in the news of the Mark Foley page scandal were the ugly revelations about Virginia Senator George Allen and his questionable past on the topics of race relations. The discussions and the punditry on the subject matter release a very ugly fact that man of us may know but it manages to float below the surface. Racism is quite alive and well. We know that racism is quite alive and well because no one will talk about it, it can not be intellectualized or legitimized with research... Why? Because if we were to objectively look at racism and its effect we would see quantitatively how prevelent it remains in society.

As a backdrop George Allen is the son of famed football coach George Allen. He is not a southerner but he was always entranced with southern culture. Long live the confederacy and all of that. He found his way into politics in Virginia and eventually became Governor, than Senator and was mentioned as a front runner for the Republican nomination for the Presidency, mostly because he was affable in the system and had good Southern roots or connections.

Then came macaca. He called an indian boy who was video taping one of his speeches for his competitor Jim Webb 'macaca.' not really good but that is an obscure racial slur. Wouldn't be a major problem, except he had three stories about where he got the term from. 1. "I was just saying mohawk." 2. I was saying caca (which really isn't better.) or 3. I just made up something funny sounding. That might have been fine and good if not for youtube to prove what he said, and the fact that his mother is from the area of north africa where the phrases originated and is in heavy use. Hmm... quite the coincidence, huh? It gets worse though, because as it goes on the stories come out about Goerge Allen the racist. To which he offers heart felt denials and minimizations left and right. Particularly to the charge that he used to frequently use the "N word" (gasp). Now I don't know about anyone else, but I think it is fairly ridiculous that someone could be known as such a fan of the confederacy wearing the stars and bars and all of that and have anyone expect us to believe that this would be the same person who never used the word Nigger? I mean EVER... Some lies aren't worth telling, but they are in this society because we want to believe them, we need to believe them, because slavery, and in certain ways to ma much greater extent Jim Crow, provide our country with an inexplicable taint on our so called principles and moral standing.

Which leads me to the main point of all of this, which is the belief that has been accepted through both parties that Southerns must be catered to to win elections. Southerns, yes the people who seceeded, are considered the most patriotic Americans. Despite the history of racism and that less than 50 years ago, the federal government had to make the governor of one of these states let a Black person go to college. Despite the fact that after the Civil War which you could argue had some ideological basis outside of race, the Southern democratic establishment left the party of the civil rights act, and the concept of giving Black people rights. Despite the factthese same dixiecrats were still in existence as late as 1980 because Ronald Reagan made a direct plea towards them when he lauched his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, the place where the three civil rights volunteers were slain. and Despite the fact that the South has been able to remain republican largely because the states have used the felony code to permenantly disenfrachise major percentages of the Black population by making them permanently lose their right to vote. Something below the Mason Dixon line ain't right. How did we get to the point where we are supposed to not only recognize what the people believe in the Bible belt but respect it as correct. Even though they did not grow up with any diversity or respect for differences, whether it is race, gender, suxual orientation or religion. Forget what you heard, somethings are plain right, and some things are plain wrong, and a lot of times, the majority, particularly the rural majority when it comes to social issues are wrong. At least if you are going to continue to say that as a principle you believe in freedom.

But you can't say these things in America. Bush can leave Black people stranded on buildings and dying in the Superdome but it is unfair to say that he does not care about Black People. Conservatives like Dinesh D'Souza, can make all sorts of snide comments about Black people being the cause of all of their issues, and being the blame for whats worng in America, but its wrong to call them racists. In fact, in order to be white and racist you need to wear a white hood, or a Swastika since the confederate flag isn't enough, because if we only recognize the extreme charactures of the problem we won't have to Deal with the problem.

These are the ghosts that follow every black person who is trying to make it in this society. At some level consciously or subconsciously we have to deal with the fact of trying to survive and achieve in America that through their ever action whether from government to pop culture expresses their contempt for us while not giving up, nor giving quarter. We have to grin and bear it, when co-workers ask to touch our hair or make comments about our names, or how we are not like "those others" and then we are told we should be greatful because we are not being hung from a tree. That, they say, is progress. It's the story of the Dutchman by Leroi Jones, every black american on some level is willfully insane just to make it, and America's worse fear is that we wake up... Me Personally, I'm still hitting the snooze button.

Single Life 9-24-06

2008-01-22T01:12:00.000-06:00

So every now and again there will be a wave of girls I know who are so upset when they find out that some dude they were talking to or went out with supposedly has a "girl." Its bad because they are generally really upset and you can never find out what they mean when they say he has a girl, meaning, did he cut you off saying that he has a girl, or did you just happen to find out that there is some chick out their claiming him. It sounds like a small difference but that is a major difference between men and women. Women care that there may be another woman out there in reality that might have a relationship with you, men base life strictly on what you tell us, if you don't tell me you have a man, then you don't... Its that simple.

What it comes down to is the question of what single means. People say single or committed, or whatever but honestly single has degrees. My personal opinion is that you are supposed to be 100% committed if you are married (not engaged, not dating for a long time, but married) but that there is no such thing as 100% single. I know, people always want to claim that they are indeed 100% single, but honestly, most grown, decent looking people have someone that they speak to that on some level is prolly trying to get up. Y'all may not quite be dating, they may just be your ego boost who takes you to the movies when your self esteem is low, they may be that ex that you never quite let all the way out of your life but there is always someone around who would be a little bruised if you popped up engaged tomorrow.

So what's the spectrum? well its never an exact science but I feel like there are some discernible categories:

1. Crutches/ booty calls- These are not the same things just kind of two sides to the same coin. Crutches are basically just good friends of the opposite gender that you sort of use to make it through the times when you don't feel like being in a relationship. You can't touch your crutches, and honestly they work best in conjunction with having a separate booty call, that way on one side you get the emotional connection and support without the confusion that comes with the physical on one side, and you get the sex with out forging too emotitonal connection on the other side, and if you play your cards right neither side is invested enough to give you that relationship stress. It's a tight rope but damn its worth it sometimes.

2. Talking- See for me talking to someone means you have like their number or email but you don't really go out, you just kind of keep in touch. You see them around enough and their may be flirting or whatever but its a fairly informal relationship. A Party looking at it from the outside would actually assume that you two were closer than you actually are because what she does not realise is that the only time you see each other is somewhat on accident, but its cool you kind of fall into your rolls. Important rule about talking is that YOUR ASS CAN NOT GET JEALOUS... That may be your flirt buddy but really ain't shit going on, you can be mad if he/ she decided they are trying to close a deal tonight.

3. Dating. Dating is where life gets complicated. See you obviously know each other and you go out, and y'all may talk or whatever, but this is were people start assuming that folks are in relationships. Just cause you may see me out to dinner with someone does not mean that she is my woman and I was hiding her from you, and just because we went out does not mean you are the only one. It's bad because three good dates in if someone is really into it they assume the other person is there... but at this point I figure you are still quite single. Usually, the way I figure it is that if you are dating someone they are telling you that you have the possibility to beat out any person that is currently in whatever capacity of my love life.

4. Relationship. is really the step I have never had the firmest grasp on, I mean at some point you are supposed to be enough into a person that you don't want to see anyone else but not enough to say you want to get married? Logically I have never gotten it. I have always figured that a relationship was like giving someone the number one spot with an asterisk. Asterisk meaning that we preserve the right to revisit these rankings at a later date depending on the change in circumstances. It is for that reason that I generally don't let the relationship thing faze me but too much because I figure that people are going to do what they are going to do. I really don't expect someone to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend because they met someone that they think they may like, obviously before you go too far with someone new you need to clean out your closet, but when you are trying to figure it out, do what you gotta do just keep it on the low. This does not mean slutting around but it does refer to actually dating, because after all if a relationship was the same as being married why are they different?

5. Engaged... Well it ain't married. At this point you can't really date around the only difference is that you can leave without mixing finances and getting the law involved... Kind of like the warning track in baseball. After that you are married.

Notice at each level from 2-5, sex can fundamentally change the parameters of the relationship. Sex does tend to give people expectations particularly if it is combined with any sort of outside relationship. However, whenever sex is involved you need to negotiate that addendum as to how that changes things. For instance some people think that sex means a step up to the next level, like, "well, we were just talking, but now that we have had sex we are dating." or "we were dating but now that we have had sex we are in a relationship." umm, not so much, but I will relent and say that it is reasonable to ask that even if your partner may date someone else that the multiple sex partners thing isn't cool with you. But don't assume it is all. I've said it a million times and I will likely say it a million more, its all about the contract you negotiate. Market forces set the parameters of where the meeting of the minds should be, but they can not stop you from making a bad deal outside of duress or fraud in the factum...

Can We Give Peace a Chance? 9-19-06

2008-01-22T01:10:00.000-06:00

Ok, so recently I have been doing a lot of criminal law to go with my divorces and child custody, The one thing I have learned is that most people fucked up relationships end them up in court. If they are lucky its civil court and that baby momma drama, if not its criminal court with everything from domestic battery to Murder... yup you heard me right, Murder. All these cases have the same basic facts, the only difference is how each party reacted to things going a bit too far.

What do these relationships have in common? they confused passion for love. I don't mean strictly sex passion, I just mean the thing that will get you all emotional enough to act a good damn fool. Yeah the make up sex may be hot, but your relationship is dysfunctional if passersby who hear your arguments feel compelled to call the police. If you find yourself at Target 5 times a year buying new dishes cause y'all smash them all the time, your relationship is bogus. I am not saying you should never fight, I understand that people have arguments. I understand further that if you will never fight with someone you aren't that invested, but just be aware that there has to be a line.

Basically its sad because I see so many couples, particularly in child support and custody cases that NEVER got a long. Just now, I am stuck as a mediator trying to get them to stop fucking with each other long enough to try to keep the poor child out of therapy on the good end and prison on the bad end. Yet no matter what, I meet so many people that act like having knock down drag out fights filled with cusswords and hurtful statements make sense. I mean its all in songs, and in tv and movies about relationships, and having make up sex when your mad, and fighting and cussing and blah, blah blah. I mean honestly, I try my best not to go there, I have had a few people that honestly made me want to try to be as hurtful as possible, or get so hot I was close to flipping out, and that is when I stopped talking to those people. It's not that I thought I didn't care, but I knew we were not compatible, because the highs just aren't high enough for me to have to be that evil or nervous getting my buttons pushed all the time. People act like that means I am anti relationship, I guess I just spend too much time seeing how badly this shit can end up. That's why I am not a fan of folks talking seriously about how their man or woman is crazy, or getting their little stalk on, and the whole nine, cause people these days just aint right... maybe I am wrong but I say try to find someone you want to be with that you don't want to kill, it does not have to be boring if you actually have some shit in common. In may take time, but its worth it I think... either way, be safe people...

You Can Find Me in the Club 9-23-06

2008-01-22T01:08:00.000-06:00

The club is like a drug, meaning that you get dimishing returns each time you go back, but you still go back, cause hell what else are you going to do. Though honestly I am more a happy hour person (more drinks, less people grinding) and definitely a no cover charge guy, (I mean damn, $20 for the right to spend $150 on drinks? I think not) however when you go to the club a little bit, and I will admit I have been out a few times, you get to see some of the normal rotations. As followed:

1. There is a major difference between the weekend club and the weeday club. I usually hate the weekend club, too many people that don't normally go out are in them streets just getting in the way of the comfortable grind of us 24/7 drunks. However, what are you really going do?

2. The club has a rotation of the same people.

a. There are the old guys. These dudes are always just a little too old to be in the house still dressing like they are 25 and trying to get on 24 year old girls. Worse part about it is that while they are old as hell they are still poor and wack, yet they are in the club usually in a crew because they don't know any of the normal club goers because their normal crew left the house about 10 years previous.

b. Promoters row, the cats that throw all the other parties that collect the same crowd are usually in the house with the people throwing the current party. They all know each other and are all polite though they usually end up throwing events against each other.

c. Massive girl crews... Some kind of way girls are real good at rolling to the club between 5-8 deep. I don't even know how all them chicks got in a car together but they be making it happen. Usually they walk in a spot and dance in a circle, to 'Bossy.'

d. The bottle poppers, the cats that get into Vip, or get the table and just sit around with their bottles of whatever, just chillin, not really kicking it but flossing baby, flossing.

e. The dudes in the suspect shirts. There are always a few dudes in mesh shirts or sometype of see through shirt, that just sort of make you wonder which side they are trying to attract right now.

f. The big girls flashin too much skin, on purpose and not on purpose. Now I don't have any hate for the thick sisters, but sometimes we need a mirror check before we leave the crib. I mean the super cleavage I can deal with for the team, more power to y'all, but when the belly is coming out the bottom of the shirt between the skirt, well lets just say its not sexy...

g. The vulture rapists. These are the dudes sitting in the corner of the club keeping the hard eye out for the drunk women, so that near the end they can find the drunkest woman who has separated from her friends and swoop in

3. The damn DJs playing basically the same mix they have been playing since 1998, with a couple of new songs added in, but whatever the new songs are get rotated while the old standards never change... like ever...I think it was just last month that I finally went to a party without them playing the fat man scoop love like this for the first time in roughly 9 years...

4. Inconsistent drinks, depending on your bartender two drinks get you drunk, or two drinks barely get you buzzed. Half of them bartenders are shitty in black clubs (understandably since most of them don't get tipped worth shit) but damn if the club is jumping it takes like 45 minutes to get a drink... that is just not sensible. It's a two way street, I will tip a bartender well, but damn it if I come back to the bar find me, don't make me wait behind the dudes ordering the ultra complicated shirley temple, my drinks are usually real simple, ice and liquor... everyone is happy.

There is other stuff, one thing I will be addressing next, that sort of keep the spot from ever being too fun, but like I said its a drug, I mean I could stay home I guess, but is that really an option?

Non Sequiotor Response 9-7-06

2008-01-22T01:07:00.000-06:00

So in my general travels around peoples blogs on this or many other sites one always runs across the relationship blogs. A fairly large subset of these blogs are blogs by women asking why men don't pursue lasting relationships with all of these great and wonderful women who are out there, or men taking us to task for our trifling ways. All of these blogs and their comments are generally filled with comments about needing to be equally yoked and bible verses with people decrying the downfall of american society and all these people having pre-marital sex as the problem. This is no disrespect but obviously in these types of forums no one keeps it "real." because reality sucks, and so while I can't post responses on many random sites I figure I would post my basic opinion for my people. There was a book written which states that "he's just not that into you." more realistically its like "He's not sure you're good enough for him."

Fact is that while I know some completely low down and trifling ass dudes, fact of the matter is its not that simple. A lot of the time when people get dogged on either side it's because at some point in the interaction they decided that the other person just wasn't good enough, or they had enough serious doubts about it to pull back. Despite all the bullshit that people always write about preferring honesty, common decency tells us that it is not really appropriate to tell someone that you don't think they are good enough, and honestly where is the conversation going to go since I will go out on a limb and say that they will not agree with you. See the problem is that people hear good enough and they think pretty, or educated, or rich, or a lot of other bullshit. It's deeper than that though.

Third parties don't help either. I was reading a friend's blog and it was funny, she was commenting on how so many of her friends describe a man as a "good man" by listing his education, job, lack of children, and perhaps that he goes to a church. That is real damn shallow, what's funny is that the conclusion of her blog and the comments that followed was that those surface traits didn't mean much, yet what I got most from it is that if your descriptions of a person are that shallow, what is the likelihood that your interactions are that much deeper? Too often people use shallow shit to determine who is on one another's level, or what their idea of good enough is.

One of the most annoying rants to me is when particularly women decry men for dating someone that is "below" them. I hate that shit. Does it mean that because I am a lawyer and went to an Ivy League school that I am slumming if I date someone whose school wasn't rated high enough for random hater 'X'? I mean what exactly are the lists of acceptable careers for a mate of mine? and why is dating someone solely because of their income, education, or occupation any less shallow that dating someone cause they got a nice body? It's not really...

And that is why you bump into a lot of dudes with good educations and good jobs who are assholes. They are just responding to the environment. It's that Mike Jones syndrome. There are too many dudes that have gotten dissed by women their entire life prior to getting some money and all of a sudden they have girls coming out of the woodwork. We have all talked about the wack dates that we have that are like job interviews, with people telling you what they think you want to hear, which adds to the idea that these people are interchangeable. And after a while, if all the conversation and interaction is going to be the same with people on a certain status, why not get the prettiest one you can, or the one with the most status?

It's funny because the best conversations I ever have with people is when we have generally decided (vocally or not) that the whole relationship tryout things is off the table. When people aren't worried about being offensive and will let you know what they actually care about. I ahve heard way too many men and women bitch about going out with people who don't seem to believe in anything but getting that paper, and the cosby style power couple. Thing is that I don't think most of the people are quite that shallow but can you really fault someone for not wanting to wait around long enough to find out?

So as a fall back people always bring God into the mix. Now I don't know how many of you grew up in church but those that have know there are more hypocrites running around the church that anywhere else. I do believe that God will send you someone when you are ready, but you also have to be able to see it, and the fact that it does not always look how you think it should. Those that know me know this is not my plea for my educated sisters to start dating garbagemen, what I mean is though to have a couple of talks with people or on a real level. Sometimes you and that asshole dude have the same interests, or dude that seems like shallow party dude is more than that.

The thing is that when I ask some of my female friends what they want its real broad even though what they expect isn't that broad. They will say, an "open, god fearing, ambition man." ok, that is cool, but that could be a doctor or a drug dealer. I figure that you shouldn't be scared to list some seemingly shallow things in what you are looking for because you need to think about what you want your everyday life to be, because if your goals for what life looks like are too different its a wrap, and its likely going to end in a shady way.

Last thing is even if you drop a lot of the bullshit and open yourself up to people and are interested. fact is that they just may not like you. You are not what they want, and contrary to popular opinion that is not some shit that people know on the first day, or after a couple of dates. That is my problem with relationships, you get caught up in this thing before you are sure, and so it's never as easy to back out of a commitment. Yeah perhaps it would be better if people left sex out of it, but is that realistic. I know sex is its own promise (saving dr. baker from her Vanilla sky quote :) but it's also just something separate from the relationship. A lack of permanent feelings does not make someone less sexy, and hell it takes two to tango as they say.

Basically, the point is something that I always say, that there are no "good" men or women, you can just be "good" for one another. Yeah people get hurt when things fall apart and its real easy to completely demonize a persons motives. but the fact is that even when they could have handles things better more men that you think do value the time that is spent, they just aren't willing to accept your love over their own. A part of me agrees that you should be man or woman enough to let someone hate you, but I am not naive enough to say that is an easy choice.

General Rule 9-5-06

2008-01-22T01:06:00.000-06:00

This is basically bitching about my work but it sort of goes for everything else.

A general rule that I was told a while a go is that if you have to say that you are something, you prolly aren't.

This means if you spend all your time saying you are cute... you're not. Saying you're smart? Nope... Saying you're Great? once again that would be a no. It's rough for people to deal with some times but the fact is that for the most part you can't hide who you are, and as Jigga said "you was who you was before you got here." This is not hate, this is not saying that one can not nor should not work to improve, all it basically means is that you need to be about what you are supposedly on instead of talking about it all the damn time. It's like for dudes, you ain't a player cause you say so, you a player if the people say so, or girls talking about how fine they are without a single male anywhere co-signing... Guess what? all the bragging in the world won't make my eyes stop working, we all know what you look like.

Yeah sometimes you have to speak up, let the people know what you are in to, and damn it don't be scared to claim what you believe is rightfully yours, but be careful because the more you try to define yourself by your words instead of your actions, the more prone you are to having someone call bullshit on you, and if you don't have the goods to back up your boasts what good is it?

Rules I live by 9-6-06

2008-01-22T01:05:00.001-06:00

These are just my rules, not what I expect anyone else to live with.

1. Work sucks, try to find a way around it.

2. Live fast, die young and Happy, don't forget the Happy, if you are going to be sad and bitter you might as well be old.

3. If you are going to have bad credit you better have a lot of cool shit and some great stories, if you have bad credit and neither, you have lived a wasted life.

4. If you don't like Diddy you don't like yourself. Sorry to tell you that about yourselves Diddy haters.

5. Bars that don't serve Hennessey don't welcome black people. Tread lightly.

6. You can honestly judge any man by the women that love him.

7. You are not allowed to say anything bad about R. Kelly until you have proved an undying love for the man like he is your perverted uncle Remus.

8. Cheap people suck.

9. You're never too busy to wash your ass.

10. Life is too short to hang out with people who drink crap.

11. Never trust a vegetarian.

12. Light skinned people are the devil. (Yeah I know I ain't that dark but still...)

13. Coca cola and strawberry frosted pop tarts is the breakfast of champions.

14. Some politically incorrect shit is funny. Some offensive shit is funnier.

15. I love my readers, even when they completely misinterpret my shit.

16. Free liquor = good liquor

17. People who voted for Bush need to be flogged.

18. When in doubt order 6 wings with mild sauce salt and pepper.

19. It's always better to hang with models.

20. Everything you need to know in life can be learned from the Godfather and Star wars movies... everything else is fluff.

The Worse Question in the World 8-28-06

2008-01-22T01:03:00.000-06:00

is why? Why is the question that makes us act like ass holes or causes most of the fear, and gets us involved in most of the bullshit that we are in. See why is the question that changes the point from mere honesty to unneccesary cruelness and at a certain point, in most circumstances it is the most unnecessary question to ask.

Its funny because as a lawyer the why is the question that most people are reticent to ask, and that is where it is most important. It is impossible to trully answer if you are in violation of this law or principle if we can not determine why you did what you did. However the time when it is most asked is in relationships when the answer holds no bearing at all on your current or future circumstance. It's like what could a person possible say to why they don't want to be with you that would make you feel any better? What could they say that would mitigate the pain? Not a damn thing, and unfortunately the truth is likely merely cruel for cruelties sake.

The answer to why can be shallow, or it can be substantive, but at a certain point the decision has been made so it is not really changeable. And to me there is nothing sadder than we you see someone trying to debate another person into the merits of starting or maintaining a relationship with them. Instead we get people who act out because of the fear of the why. They don't want to say that they don't find you attractive, or interesting anymore, so they pick petty fights or dodge the issue to make you want to leave so that they don't have to tell you something that they think is mean. Hell sometimes they don't know, but its the awkward conversation of not knowing why you want to be gone but being certain that you need to be away that is the true pain in the ass. And I know we should owe you better, or you should owe us better, but there is no good way around the why.

It's like a friend of mine once told me, you should never give an excuse for anything, because that makes it sound like "I would, but..." and honestly how many times is that the situation. Usually the answer is No, and no more explanantion is necessary than I don't want to, of course you have to be fairly honest with yourself to make sure that the excuses you are feeding to others are not the excuses you are feeding to yourself as well. Nonetheless, this is not the type of behavior that will win you sensitivity awards, and no one wants to be hated, so we try our best to avoid the why, but even when people don't ask sometimes you WANT to tell them... sometimes out of spite, and sometimes because you hope than can correct themselves... with someone else, but nonetheless correct themselves... See being an asshole is easier, people don't expect much so u can't lose because no-one asks the asshole Why? they just assume the worse and slightly contempt u for it, though assumed slight do tend to sting less than explicit ones...

A Few rules 8-27-06

2008-01-22T01:00:00.000-06:00

Today what is needed in life is some sort of modern necessity etiquette guide. Not really to describe what is right or wrong but just simply so we can be on the same page. A few things that I have noticed that need addressing are:

1. Chilvary, what does it really mean anymore? And are their two standards, one for how you should generally treat people and another for dates? This comes up a fair amount of time when you end up on surprise dates, like I didn't think I was going on a date since you invited me to hang, and yet you don't even glance in the direction of your wallet... isn't that interesting. Not quick draw with the wallet you say? All you have to say is "I got this one" and viola, no beef and I don't think you are shady or trying something. Other things to relax on is walking on the outside of the street. WTF? Its bas enough to have to hear that shit on a date but just walking with a woman? come on... I figure I am good because as a general rule I will walk between you and someone else walking on the street but even then... I was looking at the new GQ and they said that a gentleman should only give his seat up to an elderly person, a pregant woman, or a woman attempting to corral small children. To give your seat up to a perfectly healthy woman that you don't know is somewhat creepy. Here here...

2. You don't have to wait until someone goes to the bathroom to answer your cell phone. We are all grown we know you have lives. Particularly if we are not at the sensitive point in a relationship where one is feeling neglected. I am not saying interrupt dinner to answer a ten minute call from your road dawg that aint talking about shit, but if your sick grandmother who never calls you on your cell is hitting you up, take that shit. Once again if we are not on a date different rules should apply take a phone call if you think you need to, cause I will, even if I am not staying on it, modern society has led people to believe that they can reasonably get in contact with you whenever, if someone may need you, you should prolly be able to check it out without someone throwing a temper tantrum. Obviously there is some slight modification to this rule during sex.

3. Ladies, if you are rolling in a co-ed group do NOT take all of your lady advantanges with no respect to the dudes you are with. Meaning, don't leave the guys you are with stranded outside the club/ or VIP while y'all walk straight in. Hell if the bouncers like you that much, holla at a discount for your people. I mean love is love right? Fellas, be prepared to catch all the ice grills in the world as you let your female friends tell any man that they don't want hollerin at them that you are their man. Personally, I am not a big fan of walking over and pulling a girl out of something since that tends to cause friction (though I have done it) but I have definitely had nights where 3 or 4 girls have claimed me as their man to get away, sometimes from the same dude, but hey I can't help it if I am pimpin brotha...

4. Be aware of people's day time cell phone minutes, ie, if someone calls your cell sprint to sprint, or because y'all are "In" and you have access to a land line, don't try to have the same 15-20 minute conversation with them in the middle of the day at the end of the month, get the info and bounce, we aint on that chit chat.

5. This seems easy, if we eat in my car, don't just be stickin bags and bottles under the seat. sheesh...

6. This too should seem easy as we are getting older and have real jobs. Do NOT assume you can smoke weed in my house/ car/ etc. Particularly if you think back and realise that you have never smoked with me. I mean hell, once you hit a certain age and you aren't a rapper I figure you need to start trying to keep that shit on the low anyway. As a matter of fact this rule stands for all illegal shit.

7. Watch what the hell you send to my work email. I have friends whose supervisors be ALL through their shit, even the stuff sent to personal accounts if it would be checked during work hours. Hell that is why u have cell phones and text messages if you need to be on too much drama.

8. Don't 3rd wheel your people. If you rolling with your boy or your girl and you see that hook up and you are down to make it happen, just give someone a heads up. Don't have somebody waiting for you to be their ride home in a house party where they know no one and you off in the cut doing what it do, hell at least offer someone cab fare, and give them a chance to get out. Furthermore, let your people know if they are escorting you someplace where you are likely hated, its just kind of nice to know what the daggers are about, but we are all in it together so its cool.

Basically I am a bit all over the place and I am sure the next week will remind me of things I have forgotten, point is that the basic rules are sliding so much that half the time I can't call what I should expect from people.

A Million Little Pieces 8-14-06

2008-01-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

A While a go my boy Ex mentioned in a blog that with every girl he deals with he gives them a little piece of himself. Even if he just wants to bone... That shit always stuck with me because I figured it was real dangerous. Fact is, that with all the pimp talk that goes around the only way you can really be unaffected by relationships is if you keep a great distance between you and the people you interact with.

Fact is, when people break up, or cut shit off, or whatever you want to call it, we are all super hard. You gotta be a punk ass to break down in front of someone that does not want to be with you anymore, so generally, no one cares, they bounce, its all good. People go into therapy feeling worthless, undervalues, offended blah blah blah. Fact is, there have been many women that I have valued, but for whatever reason it just isn't right, I am not a big fan of trying to make things fit so I am more likely to move away, yet since I move away in what seems like an easy decision I seem cold sometimes. However, the fact is that in most relationships, whether friendship or relationship (dating or just sex) someone gets in, at least a little, maybe not that deep but they are there. The other fact is there are very few people that are so repugnant personally that as you learn about them and their lives that you would not care at all. So in the end we carry the weight of all the people we ever deal with whether they ended good or bad, whether we were right or wrong, those pieces of ourselves that we have given and taken from all of the people in our lives weigh on us in everything we do and makes us who we are...

This is most important when I meet people who don't realize that even your shallow relationships touch your life if you are human, and start confusing all type of shit for love. Missing someone does not mean you should be married, regret does not mean that you made the wrong decision, basically compassion is not love. I care about the hard time that every person I have ever dealt with has had, whether their pain was my fault or not, yet I don't try to go back (too often) because I am not cyncial enough to believe that I don't care at all... Even if I don't care enough to do right. What I do try to keep aware of is that I don't give away too much of myself bit by bit that I lose myself, cause there ain't no coming back from that...

Yeah I am a Hater 8-23-06

2008-01-22T00:57:00.000-06:00

Ok, so basically, I have a few female friends that are fam, and I pretty much try to get them to raise their expectations... Its funny because there are so many women that I meet that I figure are smart and the whole nine, but they take too much bullshit off of dudes, so for my wonderful readers I will drop my basic advice to my sisters, so you can pretty much consider yourself fam... or at least an adopted half cousin, because after all, even though, I as a dude like bust downs as much as the next guy, I don't really want to be known for hanging with them...

1. Raise your expectations, if you are over 25 and the "man" in over 25 he should be working or in GRAD school. Period. If you have a doctorate he should be working on a masters at least, or be making a decent amount of money or be at a decent point in his career, have a passion or something. I'm not saying you can't date a teacher but hell if he wants to really teach he needs some extra degree at a certain point so fuck it, make it be so. Be very cautious with "self employed" cats. If they are not in a real field they are un-employed, working in real estate and having a real estate hustle is not the same thing.

2. I meet a bunch of girls who say that they don't like to let men buy them drinks because they don't want to talk to them. Get off of that bullshit. I mean hey, I am a full proponent of not using guys that come at you correctly, but if a dude is trying to buy your time there is nothing wrong with telling him he did not spend enough. Case in point, if you really want to be "fair" if you are a lawyer at a big firm in your first year they are likely charging out $250 for an hour of your time, which means that the $12 drink is worth about 2.5 of your minutes, which he prolly wasted with the dumb ass convo asking if you wanted something to drink, and definitely waiting to order it and get it made, therefore you have fulfilled your duty, so keep it moving and feel no guilt. Next time, they will step their shit up and try to give you a reason to speak to them outside of alcohol, or dinner or whatever they are trying to bribe you with.

3. Understand that there is only one type of good first date... a thoughtful one. Basically, the only good cheap first date would be if the dude knows you and is putting together something that he has some reason to believe that you would like even though it is inexpensive. Otherwise you need to put a minimum on what dude spends on the first date. Forget what anyone tells you, what a man spends on you financially is a direct reflection of what he thinks of you. I don't mean in actually money of course, but for instance, if a brotha with $300 spends $200 bucks on you it means more than if a brothat with $5000 spends $800. Not trying to tell you to be gold diggerish, but factually, for a first date a man would spend s decent amount of money to show that he is interested. He may not break the bank but he would not be cheap with you. Fact is that any grown ass man with a job that is serious about you should be able to take on $60 to try to make an impression. If he won't spend any money he ain't that serious about you, at least not yet. Fact is that there has to be some thought, there has to be some attempt to impress you or its bullshit.

4. Don't fall for them triflin ass excuses, Men really aren't stupid... and if the particular one that you are messing with IS that stupid, perhaps there needs to be a touch of reassessment about the type of people you are dealing with.

5. Dumb ass sex rules are stupid. Be grown enough to go with the flow. If you are not comfortable you are not comfortable. That is perfectly fine, when you bust out the "girlfriends" 3 month rule or something stupid like that you see like a recovering dick addict trying to get over your whoreish ways with arbitrary guidelines, in which case we decide that we hate you, but put in the three months just not to waste the work we have already done. Because now that we know you follow arbitrary rules its sort of hard to respect you. Be grown enough to make your own decisions.

6. Be woman enough to say what you on. There is a thin line between the cute outfit and that fishing gear (trying to catch something). If you trying to catch one, admit it, at least to your people, just don't drag the bottom of the lake. I'ma feel the same way about you that you would feel about me if you saw me making, the 300 lb ugly chick with red weave and fishnet stocking on. (*sidenote, If you see me with that chick you know I have had waaay too much Hennessey and at that point prolly some hypnotiq and I expect those of you who actually call yourselves my friends to by any means necessary pull me away from that shit.)

7. last but not least, that psycho jealous shit aint cute... When you are an educated sister and you have to seriously plan for your man's probation, or make sure he ain't packing before you will be seen speaking to another dude in the street you prolly need to reassess your shit. I know you love that "thug love" or whatever the hell dumb ass reason you told yourself it made since to be dating Young Buck but let that shit go. It kills me when i see a chick from grad school talking about her drug dealing ass man, lawd...

And yeah, before you ask I really do talk to my female friends like this, but they love me for somewhat unknown reasons anyway, and hell, its the double truth.... Ruth...

The Thing about Hop Hop 8-13-06

2008-01-22T00:56:00.000-06:00

So I was at a block party about a week ago, and it was some old hip hop shit. Saw people I knew from many different fields, all being "hip hop" and bobbin to shit charged cause Kanye had just left the spot. and it was cool... but at the same time it was different... I'm not really sure what happened to me and hip hop, but I really don't connect to current shit anymore. Cats swear to me that I should love MF Doom and Little Brother, and I mean its cool, but does it really feel like Tribe? Is it really Hiero? Is it Duck Down? Has anything made me feel like Microphone fiend? Of course not, its all really shallow and a bit too self important so I kind of lose it.

See, I have bumped into a couple of the cats that I knew from the Hip Hop days, back when there were crews in Chicago, and most folks didn't give a fuck about Hip Hop. Hemp Squad parties, and Chi Rock Meetings, and hip hop open mikes at the South Shore Culture Center, Subway and Elevated Meetings, stuff like that there... One cat aint doing shyt. He is still keeping it real. Real broke, and I guess its love, but damn once you pass 35 you got to know you aint getting that record deal right? so then what? what do we do? On the other hand my guy is still breaking and tagging, but he has gone semi legit. His girls father is a corporate big wig and got him on desigining corporate logos, it paid well, he got a few more, dude has cream coming in seriously, yet he didn't sell out... or did he?

It reminds me of this convo that a few of us had with KRS One with one of those hook ups when I used to really know people in Hip hop Journalism, (you know before the Dare iz a darkside Redman issue with two covers that signified the end of the Source)... Anyway, what KRS said was that when people talk all this shit about hip hop being a culture and a way of life, that shit is serious. Its not just about every person int he world trying to rap or write, or Dj, or Break though, it's bigger than that. See, when you think of culture every culture has its artisans, and we examine art to tell us a lot of the culture but it is not the be all to end all of a culture. Every culture has its merchants, and lawyers, and doctors, and bankers, and teachers, and that had to be the final goal of the hip hop nation. We were just like any other immigrants who came to this land with a since of history from our culture which colors our perspective and how we deal with life. Cause of what we learned being members of the hip hop nation, we can still be lawyers and accountants, but maybe we look at race different, maybe we look at collaborration differently, I'm not sure, it needs to be studied, but please believe that while we still respect the music, and all facets of the music let me tell it, if hip hop is a culture its a deeper part of who we are than to still be trying to break or rap, or write if we aren't the ones meant to be doing that.

What I mean is this... while I love Kanye (at times) there is a large difference to me between Common with his direct connection to UAC and Dem Dare crews that I know, than Kanye to no crew that I have heard him claim (Other than hustle which I respect but is different). There is a difference between the old Ill State Cats who were in the culture and cats who were always more for the music. Its the reason why I respect Puff because he came from the Heavy D, Eddie F, Pete Rock school, or Fat Joe because any MTV success he gets legitimizes Show and AG, and Diamond D. It's why in the beginning we all rooted for Nas because he was the great hop of all the Queens cats that never sold like Large Professor, and Red Alert, or even Jay for legitmizing Jaz.

Fact is the point of none of this is to diss, but I know I sort of get sick of people always trying to draw lines in hip hop. Understand that Vanilla Ice was not the same thing as Hammer. There has to be room for a million different interpretations and I sort of look at the my distate for some of the current music like old folks bitching about the good ole days. Society may be looser, they may show more BS on TV but they still live in America and they are all Americans, and so if you understand that we are what we are and that its more than radio hits, or fashion, or faux underground posing then I accept that you too are from the Hip Hop Nation... Even if you happen to be from the other coast than me...

Rethinking Mean... 8-8-06

2008-01-22T00:55:00.000-06:00

Ok, so often I am told that I am really mean, or really cold hearted just because a lot of times I tell the truth. Basically, sometimes people are on bullshit, and if you call them on that it does not necessarrily mean that you think you are perfect, or even perfect on that same subject, but damn how far is politeness really taking any of us?

A few examples, have you ever seen people who are out in the streets just looking bad? I mean real fucked up, hair shitty, clothes ill fitting and messed up, skin bad, just basically unhealthy. I mean look we all know things happen, and you can't hide in the house, but trust me, 3 times in a row if you are in the street looking through people are talking about it even if they aren't saying anything to you. Is it really that mean to ask someone what's the deal? I won't guess what is wrong but if you used to be a person who was meticulous in your look, and now you look sick for a while, someone needs to tell you you're not looking good. In college especially you would have been amazed how many people thought they were hiding their issues that weren't.

Is it mean to have standards? Number one thing that pisses me off is when you are out here living your life and people want to get mad because you didn't give this "good" man or woman a chance... I mean damn if I am not feeling a chick, I am not going to laugh at her in public but I am also not going to take her out spend a bunch of money and try to get to know this woman I am not interested in. Also along those lines if we do go out and you don't meet my standards (this means, amongst other things, those chicks who come on dates with me in jeans and a t-shirt, WTF?) I am not really going to call you back, and hell I don't think I need to "break up" with someone that I only went on one or two dates with. Am I tripping?

Is it really mean to tell someone to get their shit together? I mean hey I know my money aint quite right yet, therefore I don't even pretend that I should be calling myself seriously hollerin at anyone. I know I know, people tell me that it shouldn't matter and folks should support you anyway. that is Bullshyt, we are grown. Ladies, I respect the fact that you got bills, and you don't really need a broke nigga hanging around. Same thing, my boys who are out here making moves don't really need to take on an albatross with a 350 credit score and an addiction to Prada bags on their $25K a year salary? I just don't see why its mean to say that you don't want that type of shit in your life. Yeah if you are on the bad end it hurts, rejection always hurts, but damn lets be realistic.

Fact is in the end I call it like I see it... People let too much hyperbole and exagerration go, and if you call it, you're mean. Fact is, that all those people who call in to the quiet storm and whispers in the dark talking about how they love such and such forever is bullshit. Those men and women I know who "love" their significant other more than life except when they are bonin' random folks they meet in the club are bullshit. I can't really let you cry on my soldier about how you gave your all to your relationship when I know all the ass you got on the side. I may not kick you while you are down, but there has got to be a limit.

Mind you, I don't need to convince that I am right, most things I may say once and never bring it up again, or just not comment on your pity parties, or just refuse to co-sign certain shit, because personally I can't stand when someone psycho-analyzes me and then tries to argue me down to convince me they are right and I really hate myself. I only mean real basic shit, like if you know how much I eat McDonalds and Harold's and you hear me bitch about not having a six pack (unless I mean a six pack of coke) you have the right to smack me (figuratively... you can only literally smack me if you see me wearing white framed sunglasses in the club, or drinking a corona with grenadine in it...)

Low Hanging Fruit 8-6-06

2008-01-22T00:53:00.000-06:00

This has basically been a recent convo between my friends and I, but obviously from the few discussions I have had with outside people tells me I first must explain the title. There is basically some fable or some story which talks about apples, and how the overripe, dirty and rotten apples have fallen to the ground, they aren't clean or good but they are esy because you just pick them up. On the other hand there are some peaces of fruit that hang low and are about to fall which are a little past their best level of ripeness but they are clean an easy to pick, however the best apples are up higher in the treat and require some level of work to get and while they may taste the best the question is if they are really worth all of the work.

All of this is to say is that if you are not careful you will look around one day and find yourself surrounded by low hanging fruit, if not fruit you picked up off the ground. You are generally unhappy with life because you have always taken the easy way out. Unfortunately low hanging fruit is not even low maintenance, but nothing sucks more than being stressed out by some individual that you do not even like but only started up with because they happen to be in the right place at the right time and available for your purposes.

Which leads to the main point of how much should you sacrefice excitement for stablity? If we accept the fact that some people truly are out of our league, what makes someone a reasonable goal worth working towards, and when do they become an unattainable fantasy? This was brough to mind by the preview for the new Zach Braff movie, where the main character has a good life (to some) but it was a bit too easy, a bit too smooth, there was no excitement. I guess the question is can a person be considered happy ever after if the best of times are maxed out at 6 of 10. Because that is the problem, the safe people is never but so exciting, and at which point are you just being a grown up who doesn't chase dreams, or are you settling for the low hanging fruit? No matter what the answer is, I believe more folks do need to answer the question before they jump too deep. I know I know, people never want to really ask themselves if they are settling in a relationship. Everybody wants to say they are with the man/ woman of their dreams, but too many of those couples end up divorced because people aint real. I mean hell, I think I am pretty cool, but I know I ain't Prince Charming. In fact, I get a bit scared (ok a lot scared) whenever I meet someone telling me that I am too great.... but hey maybe I am trippin... Cause it doesn't make one wonder that if I am going to climb up the tree should I get the one I want no matter what people say is the best or should I go for the best I can get? That just sounds like a question for therapy doesn't it?

An Argument for Honesty

2008-01-22T00:51:00.000-06:00

So recently, I have been having conversations with girls and the topic comes up about kind of informal relationships. See I am pretty much a jerk about this whole thing because I am not real big on fake titles and formality but that's a pretty long discussion that usually gets me cussed out so I will have to write that out later. My point right now is that after a little prodding or whatever you will find a fair number of girls that say that they don't believe in formal relationships either and are even down for physical relationships, but... and here is the kicker, if they are going to have sex with someone it has to be monogamous...

Now I know, that doesn't sound like to much to ask in the world of STDs and AIDs, however it has recently led me to wonder if that is a common expectation. My issue being that if you are only having sex with one person that you are in a relationship with that one person. it gets particularly convoluted when one attempts to say that are in a monogamous sex only relationship. No, you are in a dysfunctional relationship. A few facts, if you are "just having sex with someone." you need to be pursuing other relationships. If you are not trying to honestly date someone and the only man or woman in your life is your fuck buddy, then you are just in an unhealthy relationship.

Furthermore, what is the point of saying that you are cool without placing formal restraints or interpretations on your relationship and saying people are open to dating other people if the physical aspect has to be monogamous? My point being that if you are that uncomfortable with your physical partner sleeping with other people, you are really that uncomfortable with that person dating other people. Just admit that, there really isn't anything wrong with that, just be honest. Too often people sign on to bullshit in relationships cause they are trying to be cool, or whatever they perceive as cool. The problem is the more your put that shit out there you will meet some man or woman who will call you on your shit and then you are stuck. But once that happens, we get people still attempting to be cool, but by adding rules that they believe sound rational, but actually sort of defeat the purpose of the entire arrangement. Once again this sort of works, until they meet some ignant nigga like me who calls them on the basic irrationality of their request, or some other dude who is willing to lie, because its not really cheating if you agree you are not exclusive, you just kind of violated a provision, and who can really fault you for violating a provision?

Mind you this is not an argument saying that you should let your partner bone everybody, cause please believe folks be having that shit... I am just saying be honest with yourself and everyone else about what you want. If you want a dude to buy your dinner and maintain you, but have no rights or say so over where you go and what you do, give it a shot. If all you really want is a chick on the side to be your back up when your date or the club aint jumping but you really gotta go there, hey... Even if it seems grimey, you might as well ask... :o)

Do Like Snoop Say 7-24-06

2008-01-22T00:48:00.000-06:00

Step your game up...

(**Side note, I think that Mr. Me Too is my favorite song of the summer, I definitely know if I owned a club it would have to get played three times a night because cats be in a rush to trick off loot to this song, but really I feel them, so I cant hate.)

So anyway, my current gripe, since what would I be without gripes, is the extreme proliferation of people out here expecting you to fall for wack game. Now I am not talking about lines, per se just over-all wack game.

for instance, folks that know me know I am not a big relationship dude. In fact I pretty much don't do them, I mean we can chill or whatever, but I am not the type that likes jumping into false commitments. I figure the main reason people cheat is because they just agreed to be exclusive because they thought they were supposed to. I figure we should all be honest for the first few months and admit that in the beginning we are all open to an upgrade. Now folks that know me, know I am pretty upfront about this. I don't run around offering to be your man and carrying on a big time public relationship. In fact I generally tell people that the last girl that I actually officially called my girlfriend was from high school. So what happens next you may ask? well girls will decide that they are "cool" with the set up, roll for a while and then expect me to change my mind. Now some put forth some effort so I don't really have an issue with them, my problem is with the ones who decide that they are going to stress the shit out of me from day one, make me spend a ton of money to their no money, and then not pay any attention to what I am into but expect me to want to settle down. I mean damn, I don't know how that shit works on a dude that is pro relationship but on an anti-relationship dude, you would figure that you would try to impress somebody. I don't know, be low key, cook, juggle, hell if I know I figure you should step it up.

My female friends tell me about dudes that are the same way. They will holla, holla, holla, holla, trying to get you to let your guard down, but once you agree to go out they have honestly come with the first date chicken and xbox thing... Really? Is that how you impress a chick you have to win over? I mean how did we get to the point in society where folks figure that others are under some obligation to take their nasty asses just as they are? What's next people going out without shaving or showering? I mean damn its bad enough what some people wear in the street when they know they have plans with you. I mean damn if we not married yet, don't I at least still merit you trying to be cute? stylish or something?

My people, I need you to fight back, I sit up here and sound crazy sometimes trying to have some standards for a minute cause too many chicks are letting dudes take them out straight from hooping with their boys, and too many dudes are letting girls wear flip flops on the first date to the restaurant. I mean comfort and being yourself has a place in all relationships I guess but you really can't expect somebody to want to sign on for that? It would be like trying to sell a dirty house, we know it won't always look like this but if you are going to ask for this much money you betta try to spruce things up... or as TI said, 'get ya shit together."

Maintenance vs. Easy 7-6-06

2008-01-22T00:45:00.000-06:00

I am really still recovering from the weekend to really talk about it but I will post about July 4th once I have had a minute to really break it down into reasonable categories. However, since I try to answer commands I figured I would talk about another issue which is the concept of high maintenance vs. Low Maintenance women.

Now first of all, if you have ever discussed this topic, you may think you know all there is about it, unless you have actually gotten deep in the topic with someone willing to argue the other side. Usually that is not the case. You get a bunch of dudes around and they bitch about high maintenance women, and girls claim they aren't very high maintenance so its dropped. however if you discuss the topic more you will usually find that people don't think the same thing when they say High and low maintenance? I mean is a woman high maintenance because she wears all designer clothes and has expensive taste, and has to keep her hair and nails did all the time? See I don't think so, I think she is just expensive. If you give her a stack of money, you can pretty much ignore her and that is about as little maintenance as I have ever heard of. On the flip side, the regular girl who is cool with the Harold's and the DVD as a date is not exactly low maintenance if you get 12 calls/ texts/ and emails a day, each one from a different personality. Now its not to say that high or low maintenance is bad. (I actually kind of like high maintenance women, some times, problem is they would have to also be low stress and therein lies the rub... but I digress...)

Upon further inspection what you find is that with dudes, high maintenance and low maintenance is usually a place holder for easy or not? Once again, to be clear easy is not a moral judgment it is more a statement on the dudes comfort zone. ie. if you are a dude that spends every weekend in the club buying bottles, if you let a girl come with you while you do what you were doing anyway for a couple of months and her conversation was cool, she may consider it that you put it work but for you that was easy. No real deviation from the regular. On the same token, even if a girl would have sex on the first date, if the first date required you to bust in the projects and steal a police squad cruiser so you could prove you were bout it when you are a nice professional young man, I would consider her not easy, it all depends on the person. Even beyond that, stuff being easy is not necessarily wrong. (If I have to work at my job, why would I want to work at home? but alas I digressed again...)

The point is, that in general dudes are lazy and don't want to get out of their comfort zones. Usually that goes along with what is generally considered to be a low maintenance woman, even that woman actually requires more time and maintaining of the relationship, than the stuck up chick.

Why does this matter at all? Basically because I am sick of being around a "cool" chick, whose attempt to prove that she is down is that she is cheap, down to earth, and will coach you trying to get on chicks. As a general rule, any male friends you have are not fooled, they like you for another reason beyond you being just so cool. And it gets even worse when you run into bougie fellows like myself and try to connect with me on some grimey shit that I am not (publicly ;o) on....

Stated simply, usually a man's ideal woman is the cute to fine woman who thinks that however he wants to be is the sexiest thing in the world. It may not be what he is yet, but when he gets there she will be charged, and from that point on he can keep her quite happy and as a bonus he wont have to do much. If that works out, you can subsist on a diet exclusively made up on West Jamaican mango water and Peruvian tulips, while only taking baths in butter milk from virgin cows, and refusing to wear any clothes that was sewn by a right handed person and he will be telling all his friends you are the most low maintenance girl he ever had.... Cause its easy....

Public Service Announcement 7-9-06

2008-01-22T00:44:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that women needed to be informed of one certain fact. It is this:

If you are cute, or fine, or thick, or sexy, and you offer yourself sexually to a man that can reasonably accept, he will accept.

This does not change anything he has previously told you. He will not be with you, he will not fall in love with you. Hell he may actually dislike you, however that does not make you ugly. A man figures he is doing the best he can to warn you that he ain't shit and that he does not want to be with you, after that, all bets are off, he is not going to fight you to not have sex.

I know this seems like it should be common knowledge but no I have seen too many times where the girls says, sure forget what he said if I can jsut get him into bed, then when the dude is a complete asshole to them, they say "But you slept with me." So I am telling you, it means absolutely NOTHING... What if he stepped to you trying to hit it? Nope it still doesn't mean a damn thing, the logic is that once he has said the truth once that ruling is in effect until it has been directly overruled like a Supreme Court Decision, laws can not be changed by assumption. The thinking is that even knowing the deal, you are a big girl and can want to get down. sure that's not logical if you wanted it to be more, but hey we try not to look at things to close. Trust me, no matter what the situation is short of him coming with a ring the sex dont mean a thing... Not a damn thing at all, no ifs ands or buts. Armed with this knowledge, you are perfectly welcome to do what you want to do, but don't say you weren't warned.

The Isolation Question 6-25-06

2008-01-22T00:42:00.000-06:00

Not too long ago I was at a make shift Happy Hour by some friends of mine for the Hillman Alumni Association... Now first off this is like the funniest thing in the world to me being the Cosby show college and it does give you a basic idea of what this is. Educated bougie colored folks with jobs. Not really a raucous crowd. Nonetheless we were at the Fulton Lounge, a fairly non-descript spot in the west loop which generally has a pretty cool vibe if its nothing special. In the beginning the turnout was fairly suspect but then the numbers picked up and there were somewhere around 60 block folks there I would guess, sort of spread out but in the counch area. Here is where the bullshit begins... A Manager comes to my boy who is sponsoring the event upset that we did not reserve the area for a private event, she informs us that we are making their customers apprehensive. Now mind you, this is a wednesday from like 5-9pm, they are not jumping like that. Also keep in mind that there was an attempt to reserve but they were told to just show up, of course the girl who called doesn't sound like random ghetto chick on the phone so they were told to just show up. Finally, its not like any cover was being charged and the only reason to believe that everyone in there was together was because we were all Black. Anyway, bullshit upon Bullshit, the night goes on and eventually the manager tells my boy he has to leave now...completely insane for a dude that clearly increased your bottom line that night for an incident free night, but hey I guess they were unhappy that he told his guests that they were being mistreated.

As this was being discussed later, one of the answers that I heard on multiple occasions was that we should just go to Black places and we wouldn't have these problems. It's a popular refrain that I hear many times whether it is stores, clubs, or schools, that whenever we are mistreated in a white insitution it is our own fault for continuing to patronize them instead of staying Black. Isn't this isolation? and if we agree that it is, is it really the answer? It's something I see unfortunately a lot on political scenes, as is the case in Chicago. We get people running or talking about running for mayor of Chicago speaking only of black issues and black neighborhoods, and while I support the black neighborhoods, what if I believe in the investment in greater Chicago? Please believe that as much as I love and attempt to support our Black institutions you are missing out on the wonders of Chicago if you don't support the mainstream. And honestly should it really be that easy to gain segregation by simply mistreating the few black people that come in to warn the rest away, or do we need to force ourselves into the discussion.

In the years since I was first growing up in the City, the restuarant scene and cultural scene in the city have exploded. The randolph quarter has some of the most high quality restaurants in the city and recently has been named the most innovative city for American food in the country. I am sure this is not everyones thing but should black people ignore it? should Black chicagoans not have pride in these facts. In the fact that Chicago is by far the cleanest and architecturally unique large city in the country? in the world even? Can we invest in the growth of our neighborhoods and institutions so that they become a part of Chicago instead of a part of Black Chicago? Are the south and West sides devalued by white money? I think not. We have to grow beyond being anti white to truly being pro-black. And that means that we stand up to people like the Fulton Lounge, not by leaving all white establishments but by leaving the Fulton Lounge and making sure others of all races know that we are not welcomed at the Fulton Lounge, so they miss the success shared by their neighbors, while we simultaneously try to get some Black places to compete with the white areas in terms of locations and environments where we want to be. As long as we are paying taxes its the only thing that makes sense to me....

Damn Boredom 6-14-06

2008-01-22T00:41:00.000-06:00

I was reading a blog where a girl was going on a story about how she ended up at some dudes house with her homegirl. It got late, her girl was on her shit with dude and so she was stuck laying up with this other random cat. He decides to try to hit, and she isn't really interesting but hey she is bored so she rolls with it for a while. To make matters more interesting comments from more than a few girls pretty much went along the lines of "Yeah, I've been there... been boned a few times of shit like that..."

Number 1, this is why dudes hate when they girl be hanging out with that chick that he figures is a bit too loose. I know girls always be like dudes are psycho, but hell naw, boredom is a mutha, we all know this... How we know exactly is the main point or

Number 2, this whole thing made me think about how random shit is and what is basically the problem with late nights and alcohol. Fact of the matter is that 90% of dudes who are more than 50% single and straight, if they are sitting in their apt and there is a not ugly girl there and there has been alcohol, dude is going to try to bone. Not cause he really wants to but cause its there and what else are you really going to do? It's like if someone just randomly gives you a slice of chocolate cake. You may not be hungry, and chocolate cake may not be your favorite, but you're not eating anything else and it is there, so there we go... Of course what we figure will keep us out of trouble is that the girl is not as silly as we are and so if she is not actually feeling, she would shut the shit down... But no, apparently, she will get bored and roll with it, hell even worse she will fake an orgasm or whatever to make dude feel good since she figure that he must be interested in her. Maybe it's just me, but it seems sort of bogus that two people can have sex when neither one of them actually wants to, especially when you realize that if they never talk about the fact that neither of them wanted to do it, they will keep at it for a while so as not to hurt the other persons feelings. So next thing you know, you have wasted three months and have to make some bullshit excuse to break up with someone who you never liked and who never liked you. I mean and that's with the hope that no one ended up pregnant.

There is not really a point to this it just reminds me to try and be proactive lest I stay falling into bullshit...

My Bad Habits 6-14-06

2008-01-22T00:40:00.000-06:00

So basically, my life is consisting of bad habits, and I mean I guess they are bad but I love my bad habits... in fact I hate people with no bad habits, so I figure I will list my favorites...

I curse too much, I mean, well too much is a judgment and I think I curse just right, meaning not in front of my mother, but otherwise I am fairly foul. I am pretty well educated supposedly, but that is what makes it better to me. Fuck what you think an Ivy League Nigga should be. (now don't you love that sentence?) I will just do what feels comfortable, even though in some rooms I think I seem less educated than most, but then again I got the paper behind me to phukkem.

I drink too much, then again that is again a judgment and I am not about that, but hell, I like drinking a lot, even if it is bordering on what the liberals call problematic. At this point I figure I still make it to work and have fun, and have not really annoyed anyone I care about annoying, therefore... Plus I am an asshole so making people uncomfortable is fun for me, so maybe I lay shit on a little thick sometimes.

I LOVE McDonalds... and pork... When did it become passe to eat bullshit? hell I don't know, fuck I care for either, I pretty much don't mind being fat, though I do mind people who talk shit about my good friends Big Mac and Pork Chop, I mean who are you to talk shit about my people? I don't know when it happened but at some point shit changed and you can barely find an educated person that likes a pork chop and a quarter pounder... deezam. Personally I have accepted being fat... any working out I do would be to become less fat but still fat, since in order for me to work out I would have to drink less, and therefore...

I am completely irresponsible with money... But I am a hell of a lot of fun, so let me tell it its a trade off. I mean sure, a dude with barely a real job and only occasional clients shouldn't be buying round for folks and going to bougie ass restaurants but its what I want to do. I mean I figure until the reopen debtors prisons I will be that last educated dude out here with a low credit score and good stories. We wont talk about the money I spend outside of the bar... its really not any better.

I'm an asshole, well sometimes at least. I mean I guess I am hard on people... If you read what I write you can sort of feel the asshole stuff, but hell.

Understand none of this is like a pity party, or trying to get props, its just my reality. I like being sort of fucked up cause I figure that is what makes me hot. I guess my ego is another issue. I just read too many blogs or talk to too many people that want to be perfect. they never sleep with ugly people, the eat all the right shit, and read intelligent books, and never have any bad habits. I HATE those people... have some color, have some flaws... its okay, cause whoever you are fronting for they are going to get to know you and find that stuff out anyway. embrace it and make sure you have a personality... even if other folks dont like it.

Father's Day 6-19-06

2008-01-22T00:38:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was Father's Day, and you know we tried to hold it down, but I must admit that Father's Day is like the saddest damn excuse for a holiday in the Black Community that one has ever seen. Case in point WGCI had a Father Day "celebration." It gets the quotes cause it was trifling as hell. Like the mother's Day celebration was a big ass gospel brunch where we all say thank you to our wonderful mothers. The Father's Day event, feature Les Brown telling fathers to ask for forgiveness and atonement for being trifling in their children's lives. To prove this he mentions that his daughter that is grown that he only met nine years ago will be there and that through forgiveness the Black family can move on.

Ok, I get it, some dudes aint shit, they get a girl pregnant and bounce, but really there are more than 5 black dudes who are fathers to their kids. Why is it that my entire life I have never been to any fathers day thing that was all positive and saying thanks for being there, whether you were the biological father or just the grown ass man father figure in someone's life, instead of dwelling on the deadbeats. I mean we get it, some dudes aint shit, but can a good father get his shine? You don't hear mothers days being filled with stories of bad mothers so what's the deal? Also a very serious issue that people need to address particularly in our community is what are the classifications? There is more to the story than straight trifling dudes and perfect husbands.

Doing what I do in work, I know that sometimes, as hard as it may seem the best thing for a man to do is to just write the check and stay out of the way. If the mother has moved on, and the kid is comfortable are you really the bigger man by making the child an outcast from what is currently his family by trying to prove a point a few weekends out the year? On another side, how much stress is a man supposed to take over a mistake? If you are not married and you have a kid you have to decide early if you are really going to try and raise a child together while being apart. This does not mean that one party can or should cut and run, but 18 years of getting screamed at because he let the kid have some ice cream when momma wouldn't have, or let him see a particular movie, or brought him home a couple of hours late isn't healthy for anyone either. I am not trying to shift the blame like all brothers are misunderstood but sometimes we need to remember that life isn't always black and white, and the majority of brothers out here are not people with no sense of responsibility, yeah there are some but for many its a struggled choice. If we acknowledge that Black America isn't just filled with bad male apples then maybe we can celebrate the husbands and fathers without reservation sometimes, with the big piece of chicken and the basketball game instead of celebrating him by making him sit through another diatribe about how he is basically trifling we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Arrogant Conceit

2008-01-22T00:37:00.000-06:00

My homegirl once referred to me as her uber intelligent, extra educated, yet grounded homeboy in one of her blogs, and honestly I love that classification (full on cheese everytime I read it... :o) Yet I am fully willing to admit that I can be a touch arrogant from time to time and come off as not exactly grounded. I bring this up only in regards to the current number one gripe I have been hearing from women recently which is that they are sick of educated Black men being so arrogant and expecting women to bow down and yada yada yada... First of all, I have to admit that I sometimes wonder what the hell do you want? If you spend a bunch of time talking about how the educated Black man is all of that, of course you are going to make them into assholes, just as the fine chicks who date wack dudes just because of their job creates even more asshole dudes... However in general I think the story is a lot more basic than that.

like I said, I am a bit arrogant, but its not because of where I went to school, or my job or nothing. I just happen to thing fairly highly of myself. Personally, I like Kanye's definition, "when my self confidence bumps into your insecurity I might seem arrogant." Fortunately my self image isn't really connected to what other folks may think of me as to whether my self image is justified or not. However, whenever the shit tends to go to far and the so-called justification I get is that the problem with educated dudes is that they want to be sweated without recognizing the worth of this equally educated and employed sister. From a surface level I can feel that, except for one issue. Men and women are not the same...

Let me be clear, i am not on all that gold digging shit, and while i have definitely had my broke moments for the most part it is understood that men are supposed to pay for shit when you go out. This is not really news as most people pretty much play by these rules with a couple of occasions of going dutch, thrown in. When things get deeper, most men believe (as I do) that while a couple may work together at the end of the day when things need to be handled it is the man's responsibility to carry the family through financially. It's part of the job, it comes with the territory. It may sound chauvinistic but in general its a fact, if you are a woman dealing with a dude who does not feel that it is his responsibility to take care of you, he aint shit... you can believe that or not but its true.

This is important for the conversation because this is why the educated dude doesn't bend all over backwards and get enamored just because a woman has an education and a job. After all, what difference does how much money a woman is making matter if she is not paying for shit? Yeah it may matter more in serious relationships but when you are just kicking it, that is not a high priority for men. It is more so for women, whether a woman is looking for something serious or shallow a dude with money is a better catch. Therefore he is willing to play his part and spend his money to attract what he is trying to attract. On the otherside then a dude is more interested in looks when he is on shallow shit. If you think about it, the arrogant behavior that women tend to hate in educated men is pretty much the same as you find in fine women, because in the dating world they are closer corollaries than educated men to educated women. Now mind u none of this is to say that you need to deal with that shit, cause I know plenty of dudes that only holla at 7-8s because they can't stand the attitude of a 9-10, but don't act like every dude with a job is on some new shit just because they dont have the same Cosby show fantasies. Also, as an interesting addendum, and this is true for men and women, education and job does not equal personality. So before you write someone off as arrogant or bogus for not recognizing your worth, make sure you're not wack... I mean that's all I am saying...

That Feeling of Superiority 6-6-06

2008-01-22T00:34:00.000-06:00

is kind of looked down upon in America, but hey sometimes we have to stand up for what we believe in and speak the truth. I am an elitist, and I honestly don't believe all that bullshit about no one being better than anyone else.

Personally, I love saying this in random individual or small group conversations because some people will react with complete disgust, some people will laugh it off, and some people kind of act like they met a kindred spirit and get to running off with things we dare not say in America. Nonetheless facts are facts, they just may not be so in the way everyone is used to. See my feeling of superiority does not have anything necessarrily to do with the fact that I went to a particular school or schools and have a particular career. It even doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I am just so adorable (go with it), but in the end we all have things that we value and people who rank accordingly. See for me, I hate people that are mean to waitstaff and the help. I mean i believe in getting service but if you are the type of person who can't feel good about themselves without berating a waiter then yes I think I am better than you. Also, there is a fact that some of us have had greater advantages growing up, and I would never tell you that hard work is the difference between homelessness and a Harvard degree, but eventually, when laziness, or some deversion was striking as it strikes us all, some of us decided to do what we had to do, and some of us gave in to the bullshit. Is that really a question of "there but for the grace of God?" I just don't think so. Where people take things too far is when they believe that you can judge people merely from the outside. I mean Bush may be President but that does not mean that he was a hard worker, and every poor person is not a victim of their own decisions. but individually we all make decisions in our lives about what type of person we are going to choose to be, and while it may just be my value system that tells me that any success is hollow if I don't do anything to help the people of this world, that is my value system, so as long as I am striving to do right and help the world and you (generic) are not... I believe that I am better than you... 'nuff said...

Observations from out and about 5-25-06

2008-01-22T00:30:00.000-06:00

Man no matter what I just can't figure out any good reason for a man to be wearing an outfit... I mean its cool to match, its cool to be fashionable, but when u look like you are wearing an outfit, like bought the entire thing u are wearing at one time it is not a good look. Think to yourself, would modern Kanye wear this? if the answer is yes, your answer should prolly be no.

What's up with that one girl at each spot that come to the club with her hair straight phukked up. I don't mean natural, or even a bad design, I mean she didn't even try. Its like she is disrespecting every dude in there. Same thing with dudes who just have their hair a week and a half passed cutting. I mean unless u are doing the whole neo-soul anthony hamilton look thing, clean yourself up. damn...

You can always judge a man by what he drinks... a while ago cats was order coronas with grenadine in them. damn bright red beers. that's right, suspect. If a dude is sitting around with a bright green drink with a pineapple in it, ladies can consider that fair warning of the down low. I mean I am not saying that a guy can't have a martini, but basically you know the guy that orders the hennessey with coke and sweet and sour aint really a G now don't you?

Hint for girls, buy yourself a damn cranberry juice if you are broke, but aint nothing worse than that girl who sits there thirsty with a jerk ass look on her face until you buy her a drink. At least front like you are a little self sufficient.

At a certain age... I feel I am there now, I am too old to do current dances that have names. If the dance has a name and it was not around when I was in college, I can't do it. just like my old ass can't wear a white T to a party. Sorry I missed that just like those older than me missed being able to pull of damaged...

Very important difference, if a bar or club is closing and a dude tries to speak to you he is trying to holla. If his boy has been talking to your girl for mnore than 5 minutes and it doesn't seem like they are going to stop, he is just trying to pass time. I mean I can't speak for everyone but for me sometimes I try to have shallow conversation when I am stuck standing next to someone cause I hate that awkward, "we are obviously both waiting here but we can't speak" shit... Not that I wouldn't holla per se, but that's all a part of the equation, and personally I am not a fan of the whole my crew is dating your crew thing... I mean who really thinks that is a good idea?

People who don't take shots suck... Also don't be scared of Jaegar... It's good.

Nod to Des... when u meet someone in the club and you leave, and you both get in seprate cars, and drive to someones crib on the south side, and park, and then go inside, and have sex, you can not say you were caught up in the moment. sorry. you had a coolin off period. you jsut decided to be one that. its cool, but accept it. All it really means is that the girl you met as a club does not give u a good reason to not use a condom dumbass, and for girls if u think a one night stand makes u a hoe, well you joined the club, because you sure to hell made that decision...

Black School/ White School 5-23-06

2008-01-22T00:28:00.000-06:00

This is basically coming from a few conversations that I have been privy to recently. It seems that in a great deal of situations black folks stay fighting about Black Colleges versus White Colleges. First, in the interest of full disclosure, let me say that I prolly went to the whitest school in the world, while 3 of my four best friends from high school with to Historically Black College. I never thought it was an issue with us, and hell I think 4 out of 4 are doing better than me right now anyway so what can I say? However in too many conversations among the Black professional crowd there is a often little statements that show the existence of the comparison between the schools. However the differences rarely ever focus on the education received.

The question turns to whether those who went to White Schools are Black enough. It has never been fully investigated but I believe there is an exception for D-1 athletes, but otherwise there seems to be an underlying perception that when the best and brightest choose Harvard or Yale over Morehouse or Howard, it is akin to the Black Professional class's abandoment of the Black working and lower class after the end of segregation. Conversely, you will hear some students at majority white schools who feel some sort of superiority to Black Schools mostly, (in my opinion) because there are white people there.

My opinion is basically that when you look at education I believe that the top schools are the top schools. Yes some schools have more money and maybe teachers with greater awards but most recognition is based on research which is more money than education, and realistically most of us did not take advantage of all of the complicated educational opportunities that were available in our various institutions. For instance, me as a sociology major did not really benefit from being on campus with a nobel prize recipent in Physics. Hell, most of the Physics majors didn't really benefit from it because the work that he would be doing that was above and beyond what could be learned at other institutions was pretty much over the heads of the majority of the undergraduate students.

So to me, what was the deciding factor? It's fit. How do you fit on the campus. A Lot of Black people could not have graduated from Dartmouth. Not because the class work was difficult, but because it was in the middle of nowhere New Hampshire, and the sun didn't come out for the entire winter. I mean damn I almost went crazy. Fortunately, the school has absolutely no attendance policy and I test well so I was able to pass by only going to class for my mid terms and finals. For me, that worked. I would prolly still be in undergrad if my school required attendance and had homework. I mean I haven't regularly turned in homework since about the 3rd grade. My entire academic career is based on the fact that I test well, so a school that was based on work and lowered the imprtance of random testing would have been disaster. Furthermore as I often tell my friends, I have no idea how they could concentrate at Howard or the AUC. I mean maybe it just seems crazy to me since I come from a school with about 70 black girls total, but to be surrounded by a ton of fine black women in a city just never seemed like a great idea for my academic success.

So the question after all of this is what does any of this have to do with my Blackness? Would it have been better for me to go to school where I did not fit out of some misguided since of Black solidarity? Would the Black community as a whole be better off if all of the Black kids from the Ivy league knocked a lot of other people out of Black schools? Would people really reach their potential if they ignored fits. I am reminded about something that actually Cornel West and Manning Marable told me when they visited campus. Both had been challenged on a Black college for teaching for the "white man" they both lamented their belief that most of their greatest achievements would never have occurred if they were teaching at Black colleges because the adminstrations would be too cautious or beholding to conservative interests that were providing their funding as opposed to schools with large endowments. I can't say for certain whether that is true or not but it was funny that they both had the same conclusion, and I am just as certain that there are professors at many Black colleges who believe that their greatest achievements could not have been achieved outside of their environment.

So what's the conclusion? Stop the madness, we are all Black folks trying to make it. The more we separate ourselves based upon madness like Black Colleges vs. White Colleges the further back we are. Yeah their are sellouts from both, revolutionaries from both, and everything in between. Get knowledge of self and do what you gotta do to make it.

A Question of Character 5-10-06

2008-01-22T00:27:00.000-06:00

You can file this under things we need as many people to understand as early as possible...

See, I am a Democrat, its well known, I mean i don't think I am toxically partisan, yet I am fairly partisan. However what has consistently bothered me over the past 5 or so years of the Bush Presidency, second only to the canonization of Rudy Giuliani, is the rewriting of John McCain. I hear many Democratic leaning people that I know saying they would vote for John McCain because he is a good moderate and principled... Both assertions I fear are false.

First John McCain is quite the conservative. Voting against tax cuts does not make you moderate, it makes you borderline sane. particularly given the fact that we were going to war, and cutting taxes during war is about as sound of an economic policy as investing in magic beans. However, if you were to look at his voting record he is quite conservative, perhaps slightly moderate on social issues which is why he looked downright leftist at times standing next to Bush in the 2000 primary. However, while I am not a fan of conservativism the second issue is more important, which is McCains complete lack of principles...

To examine we need to look back to the 2000 primary. Bush was the heralded front runner, who never went to most debates, and didnt really run in the primaries planning to be anointed. Next thing you know he loses the New Hampshire Primary to John McCain. Now normally this wouldnt mean much since New Hampshire is not really in the mainstream, but it got him noticed and so Bush knew he was going to have to run a Bush race to win. So he went to South Carolina and got dirty. In South Carolina, the begin with the story that war hero McCain was not actually a POW but was actually AWOL for most of that time, or even that he was a traitor. Wow Then the coup de grace in the good ole confederacy was the rumor that his adopted daughter who is I believe Asian was actually his illegitimate black child. I know the press wants to say it was the fact that he was moderate that hurt him in the south, but no it was good ole lies and racism that sunk him. In that race while he was on the straight talk express he criticized the Christian right, and stood up against a lot of fundamentalism, calling Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson out on their Bullsh*T, but of course we all know he lost, and now we have to fast forward.

First during the 2004 election McCains daughter stopped speaking to McCain for going above and beyond being the Bush advocate for re-election despite the fact that Bush was so dirty in 2000. Secondly McCain showed his changing colors when he stood by and still support Bush despite the whole Swift Boat veterans thing though he has constantly spoken out about twisting the legacy of veterans as well as the fact that it was done to him. Finally as we enter the time of the 2008 race, we see an even deeper McCain. First he goes to the straw poll for republicans attempting to run for President and tells people to vote for Bush, to show support for the President. Then he is criticizing Obama is a whiny letter for not supporting his gutless ethics bill, and therefore giving McCain a new set of headlines and being a hero. Next he is running to Liberty University and speaking highly of Pat Robertson, a long with a growing list of pandering moves to the right. It is time to accept this basic fact. John McCain does not have the character to be president. Whatever heroics he may have shown during the war have evaporated in a sea of political opportunitism and desperation. On his own, where McCain stood was not good enough for me to support him in the white house, but the fact that he is willing to compromise what seemed to be his more basic beliefs for what is still an outside chance at the Presidency is sad. I know all politicians are somewhat opportunists, but you must have a line. What you are willing to compromise determines who you are, and McCain is not someone who should be the leader of the Free World.

Hillary and Obama 5-21-06

2008-01-22T00:24:00.000-06:00

***I don't usually put new commentary on my old blogs but considering what is going on now I figured I had to point out how old this blog is...

The number 1 thing that I remember from college was learning that despite all the other surface differences the main difference between white men and other races and genders always came down to perspective. There are always other factors depending on your personal experience in terms of what pushes a person and what pressures they must take on, but in general "minorities" face greater scrutiny and pressures to succeed and trailblaze and capitalize on opportunities.

Case in point was the Chris Matthews show today where Matthews was going off on another one of his Hilary fetishes, when at the end a panelist brought up the idea that Hilary actually might not run for President. She might not want to risk the success she has had in the Senate on what would likely be quite a Bruising Presidential run, to which Matthews answered that he believed she should just stay in the Senate and just become president of the Senate and have a 20 year career. That sounds perfectly fine I guess and president of the Senate would be a major accomplishment but it struck me that this was the answer of someone who never had the perspective of having to carry a class of people.

Let me say this clearly right now, whether in 2008 or later Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama will each HAVE to run for President in order to maintain any semblance of respectability. Yes its a high price to pay but the fact is that Hilary Clinton is the first female candidate that seems a legitimate contender for the Democratic Nomination and even general election victory. The decision to run is no longer just about her, its about little girls and even grown women everywhere who wonder if their can ever be a woman President. When you have the opportunity to grasp an outstanding place in history you have to take it or be labeled a coward and have respect taken. Don't believe me, look at Colin Powell.

Realistic or not, I tend to think not, most people believed that he had a great chance at being the first Black president. Yet, he never ran. Then he proceeded to destroy his legacy by joining the Bush administration and standing by while being a good solider to men who were destroying the things that he believed in. He let down Black America. It was expected that he would take his responsibility as being a viable Black candidate and run for office and he didn't, and for that more than anything else I believe his numbers with Black America suffered. He has now been completely replaced in the hope of a nation category by Barack Obama and once again the pressure is on. As coy as he may play with it, Barack must run for President for all the Black children that need a hero. That need someone with a legitimate chance to win that is not running a token candidacy to show that we actual do compete, that there can be a minority president somewhere other than Hollywood.

Last thing to remember is that neither one have to win, but they have to give it what seems like a legitimate effort. The best example of this is Ted Kennedy. After the deaths of his two brothers America needed him to run for President. He is one of the few "privileged" (for lack of a better term) to feel the pressure to have to go above and beyond what your may personal want to achieve. In 1980 he ran, I pretty much figure that he threw that race running against an incumbent, but he lived up to the weight of the Kennedy name. From then on he was able to make a respect career in congress as a person who took his shot and lost but he stepped up nonetheless. And in America, regardless of race, class, etc. that is what matters.

Damn B.E.T. 5-7-06

2008-01-22T00:22:00.000-06:00

when they try to get "serious" they are damn near worse than when they are shallow. Some kind of way I tripped upon this trainwreck on B.E.T. called the "down low: exposed" The show is basically going around warning black women about getting aids from dudes on the down low. I wont get to deep but just a few high lights.

1. Educated sister who seems real together talking about how she caught it from a dude she knew had been in and out of jail alot but she was drawn to him because he was a thug.

2. Random thug cats talking about either being on the down low, or doing what u have to do in jail, or getting raped in jail. Most ignorant quote, "your body aint gay, your mind is gay, so that man didn't take your body, he took your mind but there musta been something in there anyway." Now I know what you're thinking, of course they had someone educated to come in and point out that all these gay stereotypes are just stereotypes, right? Nope...

3. The main focus of the show was that black women get aids from having unprotected sex with their boyfriends who are on the down low. Not that some women are having wild unprotected sex and that is a problem, and not that some men are just cheating on their wives with women and catching aids that way. Nope, Aids comes into the Black community by gay men having sex with each other and hiding it fromt heir spouses and significant others... Now you know.

4. The argument that they need to get lawmakers to give dudes condoms in jail right after claiming that most of the in jail sex was rape... wtf.

I don't know there was more problems but I swear this show had me hoping that they just go back to booty shaking videos, cause if this is your only source of news, I feel so sorry for you.

Bitterness is a Drug 4-28-06

2008-01-22T00:20:00.000-06:00

Like my favorite thing about strolling through blogs, particularly black blogs are the relationship blogs. It's great because there are so many sensitive ass thugs and thuggettes out there who kill me because they keep writing the same shit. I swear to goodness that if u took the authors on their word you would figure that there are no shallow folks out here in the dating pool we are all just honest and open people being done wrong by the same 3 trifling folks. You know, dashaun with the wavy hair, LeMarcus with the green eyes, and Tony, just cause we all know an ignornat ass Tony. Same thing, on the otherside, there are all these guys who were open and honest with women about their deep emotions because they were in no way attracted to her body and the thought of sex never crossed their mind except as a way to solidify the spiritual connection they were trying to grasp, but they got smacked down by the gold digger, the man hater, or the stuck up chick.

Next paragraph proceeds to usually go into how even though they know that most cats are poon hounds that aren't about shit, they are not and can never be given a chance, or how most girls are gold diggers but they will work with a brother cause they can by their own stuff. And no one is ever rude, or inconsiderrate, and we are always cute and perfect in everyway. Bullshit...

Next we have the paragrapgh about interracial relationships. How for black men its ok and for white women its not according to society. Then how it should be ok for black men because black women are so mean and overbearring or because Black women do it to so stop hating, or on the other hand its supposed to be ok for black women because Black men do it and besides the ones that don't are in jail, broke, insecure, gay, or the catch all assholes.

Next we have the angry retribution paragrph which is basically if y'all would step your game up you would be able to be in the loving relationship of your dreams with the perfect person (i.e. Me) because after all the reason that I am lonely is societies fault for not recognizing my perfection.

What this standard blog, letter to the editor, hell conversation tells me number one is that a Black Dr. Phil show would clean the phukk up. But secondly its that people love being Bitter. I mean it feels good to them, they rehash all of the same stories over and over again with themselves as the hero that you begin to figure either they must be delusional or (my thought) none of this has ever really happened to them they are just adapting other people's stories. I mean look, I know it sucks if you are looking for a relationship or whatever and it doesn't work out. Hell I know it sucks if you are down for someone and you have to deal with the fact that they don't think you are good enough, but in the end you gotta shake that shit off and let it go.

I mean damn, there is nothing I hate more than having to be uncomfortable in public because the chick I ended up standing next to at the bar is mad as hell. Or trying to watch the game while some guy just gets a little too excited about some girl using him, or being in a house party that turns into a Black male Black female bash a thon. I mean hey, jokes are funny, but when you try to turn my good time into free therapy you are likely to get a bill. of course like I say people don't want solutions they like their anger and bitterness because as long as you are bitter you are never alone and its never your fault. It's like every other excuse we make, it gets you high enough to not have to face reality...

A Day without the Mexican 5-1-06

2008-01-22T00:19:00.000-06:00

Whew, it's boycott day and for that I am pretty much staying in my house hoping to avoid the madness. This could either be very bad or a highly overrated event no one knows for sure. But what we do know as one can tell by the confused politicians and the silence of the usual suspects of liberal and conservative pundits is that this is a question with no easy answer...

Articles talk about how Black America is split on this issue. Some black leaders want us to push Black Brown solidarity, while others point to the fact that there are African undocumented immigrants who are also affected. However many Black Americans point to the fear that they are losing jobs and ground to Latino Immigrants who are working for less wages and are more acceptable. It is a form of internal outsourcing. Not to mention that culuturally there has not always been a close connection between Black and Brown. Too many historical tensions.

The problem of course is that this is a problem that does not have a made for tv answer or one sweeping reform tailored made for the immigrant class. It has to be less about a theoretical philosophy and more about an American philosophy and framework for governance

For Instance: I do not believe in fighting for the write for Latino children to not have to learn English. I believe that conceptually that is short sighted and ignorant. Just as ignorant as the fight for ebonics. If you are using it as a tool to get more money, fine, but the reality is that the majority of big business is still done in English, with some growth in Japanese, but basically to leave your children in America and not have them learn English is relegating them to second class citizenship.

However, I do believe that emergency rooms, 911, and similar trauma centers need to have people that speak nearly every language available to them. It would be sad to think of more people dying in fires or from treatable ailments in this country because of a language barrier.

I don't believe in deportation. I just can't figure out any humane way of doing it. I mean what would you do, go into the bronx, round people up and make them prove citizenship? Logicistically, its ridiculous and its a civil rights nightmare.

I also don't believe in the fence. Or the wall. Or the Moat. Come on, is this not the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard of?

I do believe there needs to be greater accountability. I am not prepared to give someone the rights and privileges of a citizen of the United States because they snuck in and started working. I don't believe in given undocumented people taxpayer scholarships to state universities, hell i don't agree with giving them in state tuition, or food stamps. Particularly if they are not paying taxes.

I reject the notion that they do the jobs that Americans will not do. That is absolute bullshit. They do jobs for wages that Americans will not do them for. That is a difference. The overall notion being spread, which bothers me to no end, is that Mexicans pick up the slack for lazy black people who would rather be poor that work demeaning jobs. What they don't talk about is that the reason most of these jobs are demeaning is because these business are practicing new slavery. They are paying below minimum wage, they are cutting benefits, and they know they have control over their work force because if anyone gets out of line they can have them arrested. Of course business wants to fight to keep that sweet deal. Let's see how many of those jobs would still exist, much less be filled by the same types of people if it were government regulated.

I hate the other flip statement that we are all immigrants. I am not an immigrant, I did not come here on purpose. My people were stolen. I know no one likes to talk about that as a fact but it is a fact.

I don't like the concept that at the end of all of this all that will occur is that whatever is set aside for minorities will be carved into a smaller slice. Colored folks have and will remain fighting over the 25% of the pie that they gave us a long time ago instead of trying to redistirubte more of that 75%.

And even with this I know there are so many things not covered. And I hate to make it seem that I am insenstive to the sad stories, but in the end the world is filled with sad stories, and that is what makes politics difficult, balancing human emotions with the emotionally popular, against what is right and necessary. I just have a feeling that none of this is going to end well...

A Question of Logic 4-24-06

2008-01-22T00:17:00.000-06:00

Why is it that some girls that are not committed to being hoes talk that hoe game when they meet a dude? I mean is that supposed to be cute? I mean listen, I will admit, if you talking grimey when I meet you, I very well might call you back, however, if I do, the limits to our relationship is the busting down... that is about it... Now to clarify when I say talking that hoe game, I don't mean being a little forward or aggressive, I mean talking about how you are down to just fuck, how you love to get your bone on, fitting into random conversations about how you swallow, shit like that there is the hoe game, you are basically telling dude, if you play your cards right you are winning tonite with very low maintenance afterwards...

But no, what I have been bumping into is either the girl who talks the good hoe game and doesn't follow through, which gives me nothing but pure contempt for her as a person. I mean damn, if you a hoe, be a hoe, I won't judge you on it, but if you talk the hoe game, and I say cool, then you pull the bait and switch, I am left with series issues with your moral character and general veracity which will be difficult for me to come over. I am not always sure about why a chick who talks the big hoe game backs out at the end, but for me the dumbest reason that some girls do it is that they decide they may like you....

Whoooaaaa shorty... Umm if you step to me on the hoe game, why exactly in the world would I decide that now I wan't to wife you up. Ok here is a mental note, You could be a damn harvard PhD and a practicing minister, if you come at me like you're a hoe, you will NEVER be on the wife squad., hell you won't be on the meeting my friends squad, your best shot is a chance at the TBC squad. And hey let's be clear I don't hate on you wanting to be a hoe, even if you want to be a sometimes hoe meaning you a hoe around this click but around other dudes you still care about your rep, but why would you try to switch up? I mean do women really think that a dude is likely to be like, I know she was/ is a hoe but I am gonna wife that. I mean we have grown up with over 100 rap songs saying "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife" it's pretty much settled law. As they say Angels can only fall from grace, it does not go in reverse...

Is it really all that? 4-12-06

2008-01-22T00:16:00.000-06:00

I was listening to GCI on the way home and I heard a commercial for Match.com promoting their association with Dr. Phil. I think the commercial went, "In the competitive world of dating you need to get all the advantages..." and then went on to describe Dr. Phil as an advantage telling people to focus on dating like they focus on their professional lives. Set goals, follow through, blah blah blah... You listen to this and for some reason it is just not shocking that anyone who takes this advice that seriously is single.

First of all, what exactly is the competitive world of dating? When you go out on a date in there an international body scoring you on ordering technique and table manners... How will he do in the small talk competition? Creativity of the date? Degree of difficulty... oooh he took her to his ex's favorite spot... Or does it mean that people are lined up ready to steal your dates at a moments notice if your game is not consistantly up to par. Hell I wish everytime I took a girl out there was a line of dudes sitting their with credit cards out waiting to one up me by paying tonite. Or what does it mean? I have to get a call back for the next date? and here I am think that the point of the whole thing was sex... silly me. Nah for real though, its exactly that kind of thought that makes dating suck. How about have fun? I mean do i really feel like spending time with a girl that has a power point presentation about why we should be together. Or who brings in references... " John Smith will tell you I make a helluva meal. and Tom Jones will tell you I give the bomb head..." Or even worse researches you online so they can ask you targeted questions. *Disclaimer* I will admit I am not willy nilly dater boy, I sho run background checks on girls before we hang out because safety is an issue. How would I feel if I go out with a chick, it goes wrong and my car gets blown up when all I had to do was ask my boy who was in college at the same time as her the deal and he can tell me about the 3 other cars she blew up. Same thing with girls. If dude was known in college as MC. Date Rape, that might be good information before you go for drinks with that man.

Back to the topic, to me it also fits in with the articles like in the recent ebony and the convo I had about women making more money than men. Like its funny, I definitely believe that some dudes, just can't deal with a woman that makes more money than them, (For the record that is not me, I would marry a rich woman tomorrow and spend my days in an apron but I digress) however, in a lot of cases that is not the core of the issue. Like, I have been told by women that the man can handle that I made more money than him, it was like no, THAT man's issue was that you never do your hair. Or this dude is intimidated by my intelligence, when the issue is that THIS particular dude thought you were a lame. I mean I know its sad to say and no one wants to hear negative shit, but sometimes, (s)he is just not that into you. That's like me saying that every girl that didn't want to go out with me was intimidated by my Ivy League degree... (because it couldn't possibly be that she thought I was an asshole...) That might make me feel good, and I guess it has happened VERY RARELY, but mostly it would be bullshit... It's like my home girl stace was talking about people getting funny acting after sex mostly cause they spending all they time reading into shit and faking until its safe to change, when they should in fact just be themselves and honest about doing you, and then folks might could have some more fun.

Mad Izms... 4-18-06

2008-01-22T00:14:00.000-06:00

Right now my life is so defined by my isms... its a little ridiculous i know, but its also a bit hard to let go, so i figured I'd run through a few.

1. My cynicism... I know what you're thinking? who, me? cynical? I know, its a surprise to you all, but nonetheless this more than anything colors my life. I don't trust shit, but then again this is the only thing that makes me work hard... Without my basic distrust of all things and people positive and negative I think I would become complacent, and that just wouldn't help anyone.

2. My Pessimism, is so connected to my cynicism, let's just say I have quite the feeling of impending doom. Like now, things are actually going pretty well, in fact so well that I am bracing myself for that inevitable drop, or could it be that after all the time of working and bullshit, I am on the karmic upswing that is just getting me back to my basis point? which leads me to...

3. My Optimism, which is strange I am sure, to be simultaneously an optimist and pessimist, though I figure I must be at some point optimistic because I continue trying to do shit under the feeling that something will work out or I will make it happen, even though I think I try to depress my hopes with pessimism, or maybe, I am just a fraud.

4. My realism, is kind of a combination or how I explain my pessimistic optimism, as that I have convinced myself sort of that it was written and it will be as it will be. Therefore I just try to see things as they are and not have too many expectations. Of course my realism informs my decisions and the directions that I take which I then explain as

5. My pragmatism, which is basically my accepting that things will likely work out a certain way so not to really jump out on too many ledges because adult life is not really compatible with too many dreams and flights of fancy... at least that is what I am told which is why I have quite a few Peter Pan moments in life.

6. My Neuroticism (yeah its not a word, I don't think :) however this blog explains that I actually am a bit (or more than a bit neurotic since this really is how I think.... Fortunately I test well and I can front like I am cool enough so I get over instead of being sorta woody allenish. However, a mind that spins off of all these ideas and thoughts which leads his life, in ways that I (fortunately for you) did not provide examples of would naturally lead to...

7. My alcoholism to quiet the voice in my head since I don't smoke ism....

:o) I keeed,, I keeeeed, no interventions por favor...

Enough...4-7-06

2008-01-22T00:13:00.000-06:00

I have to address some of my hatred right now. See my thing is the number one thing I am hating right now is a phenomenon I called "good enough hoes" now good enough hoes are not just women, and it does not necessarrily mean hoes I guess, but the phrase fits so I roll with it.

What's the problem? See Good enough hoes are the types that are always trying to tell you that some bullshit is good enough for whatever you are doing and you don't need all that shit that you want. I hate good enough hoes because they wont just hold on to this fallacy in their own belief system but they constantly set about trying to convert you to their cause. Good enough hoes are the ones that give u that $6 vodka in your drink instead of Belevedere because you can't tell the difference. They are the ones that buy you the cheap knock off clothes or bags, because its just a label. They always trying to save a muthaphukkin dime at your expense. Now this is not an attack on frugality but it is an attack on cheap folks. I CANT STAND CHEAP FOLKS. If I can't afford someshit, tell me know, don't tell me you can make me my own Gordon Gartrelle and I wont be able to tell the difference. I am not feeling that. I mean damn these are the folks that do not have ANYTHING that they think it is worth paying for. What the hell am I supposed to do with a person like that. And to make matters worse these phukkas get so haughty as to consider you morally inferior because you do not agree. Just so you know it can be anything. For instance, i was bartending and I asked this girl to pick me up a bag of ice. She said sure, but then asked why I didn't get it from the store I was at. I told her I could but I preferred the other ice so if she wouldn't mind, could she help a brotha out. She sighs and says ok. Then I get to the spot and this chick goes "we decided that ice is ice, and so she pulls out two small ass ziplock bags that used to have ice in them but they were kept in the freezer section of one of those dorm type mini fridges so they are just strange blocks of ice that they had in the sink. I say forget it I will go buy my own damn ice and she gets pissed at me for caring about ice. Now as I say, if you make drinks, you know Ice is important, particularly if there is not enough of it. But mostly for me the ice was $2, I would have bought it, but if you think its so stupid to not go get just say no, don't figure that since it does not matter to you, it does not matter, and get pissed at me cause I am particular. To make matters worse these would be the same people who would be pissed at me if I gave them a drink made with cheap vodka and ugly malformed watery ice, because it really isn't good enough. But damn....

It's just aggravation. too many good enough hoes in the last week. Doing dumb shit like trying to give me generic cola instead of Coke... grrrrrrrrrr....

The Number 1 Question 4-3-06

2008-01-22T00:11:00.000-06:00

that I have been asked over this past week is why be a divorce lawyer? Not that I am only a divorce lawyer but it is what I do the most of and enjoy the most right now. I know it sounds like a real random bit of law to be practicing right out of school, and definitely a bit grimey so I guess I will explain.

1st. It's fun. I mean, no part of the practice of law is all fun, but with divorce law you get to hear all sorts of random drama and get involved with the most ridiculous fights. Yeah sometimes its annoying to be fighting over who the old collection of shot glasses belongs to, but mostly its hilarious. Rationality is all out of the window cause people are just pissed off.

2nd. It gives me an excuse to trick off money on clothes. I mean I believe that image is important, and particularly in the practice of law if you are getting your own cases, or trying to, but none more than in divorce law. The last thing anyone who can afford to pay wants is a broke looking divorce lawyer so I use that to justify my wardrobe. Basically in divorce law perception is everything because you NEED to get good clients, because no one wants to pay for a divorce. Paying for a divorce is like paying someone to kick you in the balls. Even if the other guy gets it worse you didn't really win, but it costs you a lot of money.

3rd. However, Divorces do tend to pay fairly quickly. Your money does not count on wins or losses. They do not cost a great deal of money to prosecute if you are ever forced to cover your clients, and most of the judges are fairly helpful with letting you garnish clients wages who are on that bull.

4th. It feeds my cynicism, and I am all about that. Honestly, it sort of does the reverse for me. Sometimes is may seem sort of depressing when you look at the number of marriages that lead to divorce but when you take a close up look at the dumb ass reasons that a lot of people get married, it sort of makes you settle down a bit, because you figure if I avoid most of the basic traps I will be alright. I.E. the number of people who marry someone with a habit that they hated while dating, that ended up being the cause of the divorce is astounding. I mean to me, if the fact that the man won't work is a problem for you, and he never was working, why did you marry him? Same thing, if you know the woman doesn't pay bills, why did you let her run the house hold finances? Small logical questions that many people settle on the wrong answer. The other common thing I have seen is the woman who files for divorce or separation to make her man act right, though she doesn't want a divorce, but once the man gets served he is all about being single again. The woman is kind of going through the proceeding like a deer in the headlights because she never really expected it to go this far.

5th. You get to go to court alot. Too much of the law is procedure, and writing, and blah blah blah, divorce law has its moments, but particularly now with the presiding judge stating that most cases must be settled within 18 months withough good cause, you get 3 or four good hearings in a short amount of time doing divorces.

Now I will admit its not always great. I hate getting into long and involved disputes with the kids, particularly when neither parent should get the child. It's also a bit annoying when a party spends all their time trying to cut back on the amount of money they have to give the child to then want to fight hard to claim the child on their taxes. Nonetheless all in all it stays pretty entertaining and at the very least should be good sitcom fodder in the future. Let Reese and Loc fill out the jokes, and I'm seeing a hit baby...

On Class 4-3-07

2008-01-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

Normally I don't topic my posts cause they are random but this time I wanted to make sure that I was talking about socio-economic class in dating or relationships which is the last place where it seems to be okay to be prejudiced. (Yeah I know that people are face prejudice because of class all of the time, but it's usually hidden or at least lied about.) I mean you constantly hear people in their descriptions of the perfect mate, educated, must have a job, own crib etc... No one wants gold diggers or cheap dudes, and that is all considered if not fine than at least acceptable. My question of course is, how pervasive is it? and basically is it really wrong?

I figure that it sort of falls into different categories, there are the extremes, well bred, well educated, rich or well employed individual who has been exposed to all that society has to offer, dating a grade school drop out, 3 generations homeless person who is prone to violence, and never clean. I think all except the most PC of us would agree that does not make sense, But what about the smaller but still substantial differences. Two people with professional careers, though one was born with money and educated for generations and one was the only person is his/ or her family to get through college. There are likely going to be some fairly substantial issues in their general perceptions of the world... should they take that into account before they get started in a relationship? Or if you are one of these good grad school educated members of the Hillman Alumni association (A concept that I LOVE btw) how different in terms of sociao economic or education background can someone really be before you just can't really take them serious anymore.

I think about this mostly because I ended up in a series of conversations with multiple girls that I figure to be fairly intelligent and together, who have recent stories about dating cats that are pretty damn ignorant. Or even if I don't want to say ignorant let me say not together, at least not in the way that many of my friends are. Now I know, that professional men, particularly black men are supposed to be so egotistical and what not, but does that mean that it is really sensible to start dating cats wholesale without jobs, or prospects with grammar so bad that it actually gives you a headache. (that's pretty much a quote) Or do you really think that those sorts of things are superficial? Can my big time lawyer or banker people REALLY see themselves in a long term relationship with the person from McDonald's. Can Ms. PhD really see herself dating the 32 year old College drop out that is still swearing he gonna be the next Puff even though he has never produced a hit record?

Or is it even deeper than money and more about exposure. Can the couture wearing person date someone who makes real good money but shops at Target for clothes? Can someone who follows restaurant openings really date someone whose idea of the nicest restaurant is Bennigan's? Hell to seem less pretentious would you date someone who would sign you up to be a guest on Maury for a free trip to New York? At what point are these little differences that are nothing but shallow reasons to stay apart, and when are they the sort of major issues that preclude a couple from being "equally yoked?"

Different Types of Bad Dates 3/10/06

2008-01-15T10:37:00.000-06:00

So my boy Zave had his blogs about different types of women but it made me remember how many different types of women either my friends or I have had bad dates with so I figured I'd post this up as a warning to women to be wary when they turn into this and then wonder why there was no next date. (*disclaimer: yes I realize that this is pretty mean, but…)

Ms. CAN'T READ THE MENU- is a fairly common chick unfortunately. This chick acts like she has no common sense even if she has multiple degrees, and tends to show her ass and get confused if you take her to a restaurant that does not serve chicken fingers. Number one question, "why you take me to this bougie spot?"

Ms. POUTER- is the girl who has her mind made up what she likes and does not like and if you take her anyplace where she is not 100% comfortable in 5 minutes she pouts her ass off until she has ruined the night for the both of you. The bonus about the pouter is that after she has pouted her way out of something new like a restaurant, if her girls take her there later, she tends to really enjoy it and bitch about you never introducing her to something new.

Ms. TOO MUCH INFORMATION- is the girl who tells you way too many of her issues on the first date. She is pretty much an Erykah Badu Bag lady. Except it's not always her issues with men, she also feels the need on the first date to tell you the food that gave her that bad case of diarrhea, that time she had the unfortunate rash, or that once a week she has random puss discharges under her arm… eeewwww.

Ms. I HATE BLACK MEN- is confusing because you wonder sometimes why she bothered coming on the date with you since she spends most of the night telling you how all Black men, and therefore soon enough you, ain't shit, ain't never gonna be shit, and etc. The funny part about this chick is that upon closer examination most of these women have never been done wrong by a man, they just watched a few too many of the wrong episodes of Oprah.

Ms. CLAIRE HUXTABLE- is the girl who grew up watching the Cosby show and wants that ultimate power couple thing. The issue is that she pretty much can't hear anything you say outside of where you went to school and what kind of job you have. These girls will consistently date men that they hate because they have the right background and they believe they will look like a great couple to their friends out there.

Ms. SECOND MOTHER- is the girl that nags the shit out of you from day one about all types of ignorant shit. Particularly money. First off all, NEVER ask a man if he can afford to take you wherever he is taking you. If his dumb ass takes you someplace he can't afford that is his fault, but generally that is just insulting. Second, don't correct my table manners, particularly when you are wrong. Finally, don't try to correct my diet or how much I drink. I don't know you. You don't have the right to nag me because you are not in my life, relax a touch… (Yeah I really hate this one).

Ms. FAKE EQUALITY- is the woman who wants to fight you over the check. Well not really over paying the check, but paying half. Well not really half, but her part of the check, and no real tip, but I digress. The issue is that she generally tries to act all superior and equal because she paid for her food. It's always a bad sign if the relationship starts on the grounds of not trying to owe nobody nothing. I mean hey, I appreciate the reach like the next man, but if I tell you I got it, I relax. Instead you start to look like a fool arguing back and forth over paying part of the check just so later if things go bad she can say that you never spent no money on her.

Ms. TOO COMFORTABLE- is the girl that comes out on the first date with absolutely no effort to impress you. Wearing flip flops, or plain jeans, or the greased down pony tail, or some other thing that a girl usually doesn't let you see when u first go out. It tends to scare dudes because you figure that no matter how much someone tries to say they are just being themselves, you gotta figure its gonna go down, so if she starts off in flip flops trying to go to dinner, in 6 months she gonna be wearing talking shoes and a doo rag. Just not a good look.

Ms. FAKE BOUGIE- spends all her time name dropping, and trying to high post, but can't really put you up on anything that was not in a rap song first. This is the chick that normally wears ugly ass clothes because of who made them, and keeps trying to get you to take them to high post industry events so she can pretend like she knows people even though she ain't making no moves. The funniest thing about this chick is that she will consistently eat or drink things that she doesn't like just because it's supposed to be hot. Worse downside is if you hang around she will have you dressing like her favorite rapper, and you will never get to ear Harold's again.

Ms. TOO DAMN GHETTO- is the chick that you thought had some sense when u met her, but then you go out and she is the chick ordering "Thug's passions" getting fucked up and dropping it like its hot until she bumps into some folks and ends up cussing them out. It's sad cause she assumes that you are on her level and starts to comment about real basic things like "what's up with all these bougie niggas paying they bills and reading books and shit?' and expects you to cosign. This is generally a nightmare date, unless she is thick. :o)

I am sure this is way too long so obviously I had nothing to do with myself but hey… enoy… :o)

That Moment of Honesty 2/21/06

2008-01-15T10:36:00.000-06:00

It came upon me almost out of nowhere. I found myself suffering through way too many of the similar conversations with boys and girls about liars, and hurt feelings, and bad intentions and mixed signals, and I remembered the great quote from the "Go-Rilla" about friends with benefits, which was basically "Of course she lied to you, but no more than you lied to yourself." Man that is that good gospel if nothing else is and you figure out that this in a nutshell is the problem, we lie too much, not just to each other but to ourselves.

In that vein I will admit it, sometimes, I know the shit that I am doing is wrong, but I do it anyway. Do I have a good reason? Yes, I think so... my reason is "Because I want to." I mean yeah usually folks drop all types of psycho babble around this and about that, and I am in no way saying that all my interactions with the opposite sex are on some bullshit, but honestly, sometimes, I just aint right. And you know what? I am not going to stop either. See I figure that there is no point in my lying to you because hey number 1, what is the point of lying in general, and number 2, it's not like honesty ever stopped a girl from doing some dumb shit, why? because it was what SHE wanted to do.

I mean, isn't that the big deal with fuck buddies anyway. A Man says he just wants to have sex, and the girl says ok, she is cool with that. they guy figures that she is not cool with it because she is really giving strong signals that she is not, and the guy on the otherhand says he just wants sex but says it while holding flowers and candy and after giving a speech about how he has been hurt and wants to move slow. Now, the fact is that both are on some bullshit. The guy knows he is sending the wrong signal, and that the girl is not down, this is likely going to end bad. On the otherhand the girl knows she is likely pretty obviously lying, but she also knows that a man that says (even if he dont REALLY mean it) that he just wants to bone is not good relationship material. Still they both get involved convincing themselves that everyone has the best intentions and it blows up in the face. Why? Because the guy figures that he wants some ass, and actually not just ass, he wants the companionship and some of the pros of a relationship, like some cooking, a breast to lay on while you watch tv, and a nice smelling apartment, just not the negatives of guilt for getting with that big booty girl at the club that night, or the stress of where u at phone calls and shit like that. Meanwhile the girl figures, she can convince herself that she is gonna change this dude, because she ain't doing shit else right now, and a few months of relationship activity is better than none so we all pretend that it is going to work out. Plus hey, while this dude is hemming nad hawing, you might get a few free meals and some shit fixed around the house so let's make it happen.

And that is the point, every relationship we get in we do not think is going to make it long term, and every relationship we are in we don't leave as soon as we KNOW that this is not that forever shit. Are we playing with the other person? Maybe, but honestly they are prolly playing with us too so its aiight. And even if it's not, what are you really going to do, be bored? Shiiit, I won't... :o)

Epiphany From a Work Day... 2/28/06

2008-01-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

So, I work downtown, and one of the issues that we all have to get used to when we work downtown are the homeless people begging. I have mostly gotten used to it, particularly how the numbers seem to go up and down which I find to be a much more predictable indiciator of the economy than whatever the hell a politician or economist is saying on TV or whatever the dow Jones is.

Of course the homeless people, occasionally give me feelings of guilt and I may try to hand one here or there a little bit of money or buy them a sandwich before I remember that despite how I am dressed, I actually can't afford to take care of myself much less feed every down on his luck person you see downtown. I am telling you it gets really rough near the end of the days because there will be at least two to three per block. However it is jsut one of the things about work and like I wrote in the last time its all about keeping your eye on the ball of our long term plans and what we want to actually do for the people.

However, there is one thing that did shake me today. I got approached by a homeless person begging for food that was just about my age. I know it may not seem like much, but for me it is very rare to see someone who is still quite young but adult who has nothing else to do but to ask for more money on the street. The saddest thing about it was that you could see that he was quite young because of the way he was dressed and worse of all was that he hadn't quite given in to begging on the street because you could still see his pride was choking the words, but he was hungry. I couldn't help but think about how different paths can take us. I mean just over the past couple of weeks I have seen so many of my old friends from high school and such doing well. Hell even most of Whitney Young's "problem" students are doing pretty well right now, but with a few changes life can turn out so different. See this dude wasn't extra thugged out, he looked like anyone that I could have known from anywhere. He picked out the people he approached carefully, so when he walked up to me at first I thought it was someone I knew from somewhere around the way, until I got a shot of the reality. Not like there is anything I could do but I just couldn't shake it... It killed me...

Unfortunately, I only had a twenty, so I couldn't even help... Not even sure that I should have... it's just damn...

That Thing About Freedom 2/20/06

2008-01-15T10:32:00.000-06:00

Ever since there were riots over the depictions in the muslim papers there have been long lines of pompous (usually white) folks talking about freedom of speech and why they had a right to publish certain things. Of course there are a couple of basic issues with this sort of thinking that often remain unaddressed.

1st off, the 1st Amendment is an American law placed in the United State's Constitution. To think that Muslims in the Middle East should be checked for not subduing to an American idea is mostly ridiculous.

2nd, Even with the 1st Amendment there is no protection for yelling fire in a crowded movie theatre. This basically means that the law does not protect inciting speech, or even fighting words for that matter. The riots in France not too long ago should serve notice on some of the issue of offending this population, especially given the tensions that were not just a French issue.

3rd, and most compelling in my mind is that these arguments misunderstand the premise at the basis of the 1st amendment. The 1st Amendment never intended for all speech to not have consequences, but only that the government could not censor or harass you for it. If the presses statements got them boycotted, or verbally attacked they had to deal with those repercussions. Hell, even if the statements of the press got the physically attacked, the charge would be a state charge for assault not a federal charge for violating the first amendment rights of the press. All actions have consequences. Of course I had to learn that this was not a universally understood fact when I first went to college. When I first went to college, In New Hampshire, many of my friends and I were taking aback by many of the statements that the white students used as jokes that would have gotten someone hurt when we were growing up. Soon we found that even beyond jokes, students (regardless of race) from fairly affluent and safe neighborhoods were much freer with open insults as they had never grown up with the idea that there could be repercussions for insults. The school supported this view since fighting was one of the most harshly punished activities at the school which could lead to multiple year suspensions. This led me to find that in general the more "civilized" of our society were generally much more ill-mannered than those of us from "dangerous" areas because we had to learn to temper what we said to the potential reactions as offending the wrong person would lead to dangers. We were forced to understand the basic issue of the cost of our actions. No one told you that you could not say what you wanted, but it was important to understand that you statement could be the cause to quite a negative effect, and the fact that the intelligentsia would have called the person a savage for assault you for exercising your free expression, is not a very helpful consolation prize for a hospital stay or worse.

That in a nut shell is the problem with many parts of American foreign policy. We are the big kids we are the bullies, but when someone fights back we are the punk kid that runs to the teacher and screams unfair. Freedom has a price, when those without power or money are pushed far enough they will react with the only power left to them, force... it's only understandable.

Keep it Real... 2/15/06

2008-01-15T10:30:00.000-06:00

Ok so it's the day after Valentine's day, which is a fake ass holiday but what u want, people like it. Personally I don't too much mind Valentine's day, and I use it to show love to a lot of the women in my life who I care about but may tend to neglect for one reason or another. what I can't stand about Valentine's day though it the whole star crossed lover romantic aspect of it. Girls lose their damn mind on Valentine's day, so a negro like myself usually stays real low key on V-day because my experience has taught me at a great price that one does not have a causual date on Valentine's day. Just doesn't happen. Of course as quickly as I had figured that out I hadn't figured out that u should also not have real deep conversations. See the number one problem that I always get into with girls is that I am a cynical realist and I pretty much say what's on my mind. Girls don't want to hear what's on your mind that want to hear what they want to hear. In fact they want it so much that unless you say something so jarringly opposite of what they want to hear that it shocks them awake, they will translate whatever you said into what they wanted it to be. But actually that is a tangent, the issue is about keeping it real when you talk.

Case in point, the hardest thing for me to do is give someone a compliment. Not because I don't want to, but to me compliments always just sound fake. I mean when you pick a girl up, even if she looks nice, I feel bad about telling her because I figure I just sound corny doing it. The issue is on the opposite side, that I also don't believe compliments. I know the days I am looking good or when I ahve done something well, and I am perhaps overly aware of my flaws... Therefore whenever I am complimented on anything i tend to be looking for the bullshit. Particularly if it is anything more than the little polite not quite a compliment thing. So basically, I got into bullshit because I was stuck in one of my many conversations where I am psycho analyzed by a girl who doesn't know shit about me, and they come to the conclusion that my problem with relationships is that "I don't know what I want." My response was, "i know what I want, I am not in a relationship yet because I have not yet convinced myself to settle." DEEZAM, that was a mistake. I got called all types of Ego dawgs and the rest of it, but in my defense there are two things. 1) When i was talking about settling, I wasn't talking about in a real shallow way, I meant particularly the fact that every dude I know in a marriage is very clear that the only way a marriage works is if she is number 1 and all else follows. Since I am not there yet, I pass. But 2) Even if I was on some shallow shit, why get so upset about someone saying they are settling. I am sorry I believe that is all a relationship is. You are not with your ideal person, no one is, you may like them, you may have a lot in common, but if you are telling me there is not one thing different between the person of your dreams and the person you are with I am convinced that you are either a liar or insane. There is no middle ground on this one. See to me, life would be so much easier if you could tell the truth. "Hey, you're cool, let's be cool and see what happens" Why I gotta pretend like I am in love or infatuated or all that shit? To be fair, my biggest problem is that the things that infatuate me are prolly not very healthy or moral, and its not like I would marry that anyway. (case in point my whole Keyshia Cole thing... I love her, would never date her, or specifically would never date a broke her, but I digress ;o)

The point is, relax, try a little honesty, the more you make people feed you lines of bullshit in the beginning of a relationship the larger you fall when reality hits. I am not saying you have to keep it as real as, "I am only talking to you cuz u got that donkey..." But stop pretending, and girls stop believing that this dude saw you dropping it in the club and figured you had a nice personality....

The Enemy Has a Name 2/7/06

2008-01-15T10:29:00.000-06:00

And that name is Non-Sex...

Non-Sex is an evil idea, or a concept, or a way of life, I am not sure, but a few girls practice this dark art and here I excpose it in hopes that it does not spread once people are on the look out for it. I have a few friends who have bumped into girls who practice non-sex and it pretty much all leads to the same feeling at the conclusion... Hatred, pure and unadulterated...

First, let me explain that no sex is not the same as NON-Sex. Most Virgins (with the exception of studio virgins, meaning they have done everything but insertion to climax but want to pretend to be pious) practice No Sex, no harm no foul, I mean a man can choose to deal with it or not, no judgment. But Non-Sex, is a girl that you are more closely dealing with, and sometimes sex has been openly discussed, and it is dangled in front of you, but always held off for either no reason, or more often some psycho reason. (I have a vibe, intuition, a voice)Non Sex becomes even more frustrating because either vocally, or otherwise (ahem) the girls insinuate that not only would there be sex, but damn it there would be great sex.

The question then becomes what is the reason for this ploy? What is it that the female hopes to gain besides frustration which leads to the previously stated hatred? I am hear to let those know who are considering following the dark arts of Non-Sex as a ploy that it is never a good idea, you may think that you have tricked this man into doing what you want, but men have an amazing ability to take an almost endless amount of abuse to close the deal when they have made up their minds. A man who has been pushed to the proper point can spend tons of money and time and lies to finally get what he wants and then drop you like its hot. And in case you were thinking that you had that sunshine and could change his mind understand the issue of expectation. The longer a man waits and the harder he works the higher the standard that he has for when sex finally occurs. Basically this means that a man you could have whipped after 2 weeks, would think you were trash after two years, that just how it is...

For the fellas I don't really know what to say, If I knew a way to avoid being trapped into frustrating nights of Non-Sex I would let you know, but endlessly for reasons that are hard to understand many of us remain trapped in Non-Sex relationships that cost us way too much in time and sanity... So basically Good luck...

Black Like... 1/25/06

2008-01-15T10:27:00.000-06:00

Man, it's hectic these days... Right now there is hella debate over what makes a person Black or not. And I know that everytime you post anything on this subject people get upset because there are always people who are not particularly hood that have been called "not black" and it causes all types of personal pain. HOW-EVER... for a person like me who watches way too much cable news, where we see the new crop of Black republicans trying to claim the black experience I think there needs to be lines drawn.

Most important being, YOUR SKIN COLOR DOES NOT MAKE YOU BLACK... I know, people will want to bitch and things like that but tough... the biggest issue we have as a people right now is trying to respect the experiences of those who do not respect our experiences. The fact is this, I am sure that somewhere in the olden days you could have found some house nigga that would have told you his wasn't against slavery, does that mean that we can't say that the black position is anti slavery because a few misguided fools disagreed? I say no. It's just this, as a sociologist I believe that there is a Black experience in America, this is not to discount anyone elses experience but there is a mainstream and for the sake of science there must always be a paradigm that is considered the norm. However what I am mostly talking about is beyond the people who are attacked by ignorant people as not being "black enough" because they do not conform to stereotype. My issue is the Black people who attempt to speak for black people without the interest of Black people in mind.

This is different from Dubois and Washington, where while I agreed with Dubois I believed that Washington meant well but was misguided. I will even go as far to say that I have not made up my mind on Condi Rice, my issue is more with the nameless pundits who carry party lines where the programs are clearly anti-Black, and try to reframe them as something different. It's the difference between Colin Powell believing in basic republican ideas and standing up to the racism at the 2000 convention and Armstong Williams and Larry Elder carrying the water of racists by blaming all the racial problems on Black Americans...

It reminds me of my time in College when we had colored people who swore they were Black and tried to express a black perspective when it helped them for affirmative action or scholarships but their idea of diversity was not that they had White friends, but that they did not have Black friends... To make matters worse they would attempt to justify this behavior of self hate by calling it a legitimate part of the Black experience because they were Black. As my Prof Vic Walker said, "That is Bull shit; The problem with y'all generation is that y'all are scared to kick niggas out the race... if they are helping then fuck 'em" Yeah he was a bit blunt but I feel that. More and more as I am forced to be polite to people who spew self hatred as a way to deflect dealing with certain issues. If you truly believe that democrats are not the way to help black people, I can feel that, if you truly believe in small government, I can feel that, if you believe that there is no race problem in America except for the ones we create for ourselves, I can't fuck with you, plain and simple... I understand that the deifnitions of Blackness need to be expanded past 50 cent and neo soul, I just don't find it in my interest to expand Blackness to include those who hate Black people, closeminded or not, we all need our lines.

Mary, Mary, Mary... 1/13/06

2008-01-15T10:26:00.000-06:00

So i finally got off my ass and bought the new Mary j Blige CD. Its rough I guess I ahve been going through a period in my life. Me who used to buy roughly 3 cds, 2 dvds, and go to 2 movies a week had not been to a movie or bought a cd or DVD (save for star wars 3) for like 3 months... Insane... nonetheless, I found a sale, and had to get Mary... I put the cd in and remembered that I love Mary... Not that the album is perfect, but that is the thing about love, the imperfections that might drive you nuts with any fly by night singer are instantly forgiven with Ms. Blige... I personally trace it back to "My Life". Everyone person I really respect in my age bracket has a "My Life" story... Each time I listen to it at a different age I marvel at how much it taught me about Black women and why despite the bullshit that comes up sometimes it is why I still love them to death. It used to be accidental, but now it is purposeful, I know I refuse to even attempt to carry on a relationship with a woman who does not like Mary J Blige... I mean, what's really the point? What could I possibly have in common with a woman that didn't love "My Life"?... Exactly... nothing... So there is no point carrying on with some mockery of a relationship... correct? Yes I thought so...

BTW, Track One on the new album is great... That goes on my mental cd of songs I want a woman to sing about me... I'll have to let y'all know that list later :o)

I know I am wrong but... 1/20/06

2008-01-15T10:23:00.000-06:00

I have been having issues recently... It sort of relates to the new Sanaa Lathan movie that is coming out, with her and the White man... I actually hadn't seen any of the previews before I saw her kind of on the defensive about how Black dudes need to get over the concept of Black women messing with White men... But then it hit me... Why? I mean there is clearly a double standard into how the entire things is protrayed...

Let's look at it how interracial relationships are portrayed in the media. Of course there is the old classic Othello, Black man White Woman, we know how that turns out... Then there is Monsters Ball White Man, black Woman, though the movie is a bit silly, supposedly a reaffirming tale of love. On the other hand jungle fever, Black Man White Woman, the relationship damn near tears everyones life apart... Guess Who, Black woman, White Man, the family's get over their problems and supports true love...

now this is not scientific, but it all seems to go back to the same old discussions, for some reason Black Men are supposed to be perfectly fine with Black Women dating White Men, because of numbers disparities and what not, however it is perfectly acceptable for Black Women to hate on a Black Man in an interracial relationship... Hell it is even more permissible in society, as you may have Bill Clinton's old Cabinent member (I forget his name), Robert Deniro, Bill Maher, Roger Ebert, and various other White Men with money or status dating a Black Woman, where you can nver find one example of a rich or famous white woman who has married a Black Man, (With the possible exception of Nicole Kidmans unsubstantiated near engagements to Lenny Kravitz and Q-Tip)

Now theoretically I am not sure how much I care about Black women dating White men... I know I have certain friends (you know who you are) whom if I see you with a white man I am sending hella hate your way, but others where I won't mind as much. I guess I am jsut most annoyed by the almost assaultive full court press that I receive sometime about my need to accept a woman with a White man (and usually I mean a Wack ass Lame white man... Can u at least find a cool one? or even a rich one?) Yet, simultaneously get consistently threatened about selling out my sisters and bringing a white girl home...

I fully acknowledge that I am not being the most progressive on this subject, but hey I never said I wasn't slightly a hypocrit... I will respect everyones right to go interracial even if I most likely disagree, however there are exceptions to every rule depending on the people and the situations but it general I can't imagine how the folks relate, at least enough for me...

My last 27 year old thoughts 12/21/05

2008-01-15T10:17:00.001-06:00

Damn I am old... as is usual when folks get old I guess we reflect on life so far and the upcoming year. This is likely a bit long...

So far, I am a lawyer, but I am broke as shyt, but I spend a lot of money... Not really a prudent combination but hey... Anyway, things are looking like I am about to open up my own law offices at the beginning of the year so hopefully next year will cure some of the poverty stuff.

*************

Someone asked me why I am so anti-relationship. They feel like since I write certain stuff about it I must be bitter from some dark heart break, when its really not that deep. The fact is that my last "official" girlfriend was in high school, and the day after we started "going together" another girl rolled up on me talking about how she wanted to get up. Now I am not real big on cheating so I tried to think my way out of this conundrum and the conclusion that I have come to is stay out of relationships, that way you won't have guilt about doing what you want to do. I look back and figure I was stupid being "faithful" to a one day old high school relationship so until something feels deeper I just stay out of it. Besides there is something I don't trust about people who want to define things to quickly. You can't really think you know me that quick.

*******************

Another issue that has come up this year with some of my female friends, is them going crazy about some dude they are talking to you. Just to get this out in the open, for females, dudes will treat you how they see you. This means that if a guy thinks you're a slut, everything that you do will reinforce it. if he thinks you are just a play thing you're not going to transform to wife material. When you meet a girl you make certain basic judgments about her and she is placed in a classification, and after that point there is no logic. You can not offer enough evidence to change things. However, the issue is that as girls you can not allow one person's perception of you to define your reality. It's like the Audrey Lourde quote from "the Best Man." If someone has a negative perception of you, you need to leave, you can't change it, nor should you validate it.

***************

Motivation is a Mutha. Soon a very soon, I need to get my money right, get in some kind of shape, make more focused steps towards my future and a ton of other things. That is why I love my friends. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that cats like DC and Steve have been kicking it with me hard since like 90-91. High school added Reese and Iss, and even though we may not get to talk that much and live all over the place, when we form like Voltron its all love. The fact that so many of them are making serious moves is what keeps me going not to be the loser of the crew.

****************

Back to the quasi relationship stuff with me. I recently decided to go on some dates because I felt myself slipping into the dark side where I would not know how to act anymore. See, I had found the perfect balance to happiness in life in my opinion, I had female friends that I never touched, and I had a couple of shallow physical relationships. This was great because you can talk to a girl for things that men don't talk about, but since you're just friends she rarely goes to bitching at you about anything. There are no expectations is all good. However this alone would drive you crazy cause hell people have needs, so for that you get into shallow physical relationships with people you don't really talk to and don't see much. You don't know much about them, nor they you so once again none of the relationship stress. This whole arrangement usually rolls along pretty well, until one of the friends decides they want more, or for whatever reason it falls apart, or one of the physical partners catches feelings (which almost always happens at some point.) The other problem with this of course is that I truly believe that maintain such a lifestyle for too long would allow my cynicism to get waaaay out of control and would also likely guarantee my soul a spot in eternal damnation. So I figured, hey might as well try to go out on a couple of dates and learn how to interact with a person, that I actually planned to speak to again, so like I said, I went on a few dates with a few folks that I met in a myriad of random ways. One of these days one of my pro-relationship friends will have to explain to me how this is supposed to work. One girl is cute and we get along great though she is a bit annoying... One girl is actually pretty fine as hell, though I am not sure how much we have in common and I figure she is at best apathetic about me, and one girl hasn't really made enough of an impression for me to have an opinion. So here I am trying to call enough to show interests but not too much interests, and not be stalkerish and read signs, when it hits me that this is all a bit too much work. Especially when i read my other home girls blogs and she is all effusive about love, and she is such a good writer, she almost makes me think it is a good idea, but she also makes me know I have never been close to it. So I wonder is dating in general just spending time and R&B shyt grows? or is it supposed to be there in the beginning? This is all hypothetical of course since I am also fully aware that this is all a cost benefit analysis, which is why I will likely try to call back the second girl once or twice more and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not apathetic towards me, and that we can work out some commonality. And it of course does nothing to address the fact that I still have a weakness for thick ghetto chicks, I mean I know i can't talk to them but still...

****************

Some people tell me I look young, some people tell me i look old. Nonetheless, my goal in the near future is to wrap my mind around the fact that I am a lawyer, and that I really need to get on changing the world. I went to my college's annual christmas luncheon yesterday where I was the only black person in the room. I am talking to a few successful folks, when it started to hit me that they are looking at me more as one of them than as one of the students. It kind of made me wonder, at what point in my faking it til I make it will I have actually made it? and would I even know.

That's enough for now, next time your boy blogs he will be 28... hopefully I will find enough motivation to have enough fun to have a story to tell... Even if I don't tell it here... :o)

The Untold Truth 12/6/05

2008-01-15T10:16:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I just had a conversation that reminded me of a fact that I need to share with folks...

A lot of sex for a guy sucks... I know, I know, the general belief is that sex is always good for a guy and a guy always cums... not true, not even slightly... number one is simply the biological fact that a good orgasm and the physical skeet (sorry for the crude-ness) is not the same thing. but even beyond that, talent in bed is a serious thing. What I have figured out is that men are scared to admit that sex is not all that it is cracked up to be because we are men. We are supposed to love sex so we say it is the greatest thing since sliced bread, however the first time you really have GOOD sex, man, the first thing that hits you is that you have to hold your head lest you get whipped, but the second issue is that u kinda get pissed off at all the bad sex u have had. It gets worse when u meet more and more girls who think, hey I can just lay there and shit is tight... No and NO... Your game is not tight, step your shit up... It's repugnant... for the guys that don't know or aren't sure, get a vet and then holla back at the young chicks you know....

That is all, the previous was a public service annoucement...

Fat Politics 12/5/05

2008-01-15T10:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was reading a commentary about how much hatred people tend to have against the overweight. This is an issue that has been getting more coverage these days whether it is Tyra in a fat suit or one of the many stories about the "obesity epidemic" which is covering America. The commentary I read was interesting because it was by the author of the book Fat politics and he noticed that off the cuff rude remarks that he would hear whenever he discussed his book. Particularly for well educated thin, upper middle class white people like himself.

The part I found most interesting is that he compared the attacks on fat people that he heard to the attacks on minorities that he heard when he was with a similar group of people and so they assumed that everyone in the room is like minded. He figures the random racial attacks have toned down since it is so passé to hate Black people if you live outside of the White House these days (sorry couldn't help it) but the overweight hatred is considered ok. The basic argument is that the afflicted class, whether it is the minority, the poor, or the overweight, deserve our disdain because their general laziness and inability to conform to society is to blame for their lot in life. Furthermore his research showed that the more antagonistic someone is towards the overweight they more likely they are to hold basically racist or classist views. The idea at the center of his commentary was basically highlighting the fact that laziness is considered the low point in American society and so it is the fall back excuse that people always use in the modern century to justify their irrational hatred. And furthermore, hatred of all types of groups is generally connected by fear. Where I differ is that I believe that the fear that most people have is of being at the bottom. If you buy into the idea that America pushes that the best, brightest, and hardest working get to the top, if you do not have larger numbers of people to look down upon, you get insecure in the American system.

However, the more you realize that America does believe in welfare on all levels. That the rich are not the rich because they are the best, they are the rich because they were the rich and they play the game well. For instance, even though I know its cool for revolutionaries to hate bill gates because he owns the Mega Corporation, in my opinion Bill Gates puts more fear into the system than anyone. If anyone remembers Microsoft got convicted of Anti-trust violations and the company was supposed to get split in two, however it never happened... why? It's simple, Microsoft was found guilt of anti-trust violations because Bill Gates was the Richest person in the world and did not give any money to politicians... That is completely unacceptable. Once he started donating to both sides of the aisle, particularly since he pushes to party orthodoxy, the punishment for the crime is postponed until he decides to cut off the checks. However, he did not just start playing the game, and this is what makes him dangerous. Take a second to look at the bill and Melinda Gates foundation. They are amazing. He has almost given as much money to public education in this country than the federal government, except he has used it to build top of the line schools in underserved neighborhoods, and actually lets professionals run them. You may not agree with all of his policies, and it may be self serving to create an American workforce loyal to Microsoft, however it my opinion that is how capitalism should work. More corporations need the understanding that the better off the people are, the more money they will be able to take in. Bill Gates is dangerous because he is doing this on his own, outside of the government. And it is happening more often in the cases of some of the Celebrities during Hurricane Katrina finding out that they can actually get more things done more efficiently than the government. The more this begins to happen the more the people will realize that the biggest impediment to the government helping the people is the government and they will demand better services for their tax dollars, and that is when the system all comes tumbling down. Because how will all the pharmaceutical and oil companies stay in business without the government subsidizing them against the interests of the people? How will insurance companies make it without a government that acts to protect their interests first after natural and terrorists disasters? How much longer will America be satisfied with a government structure that holds these as priorities?

People need to wake up and realize that despite the conspiracy theory there are some basic answers. Despite the fact that some parents may be lazy cheap food is fatty food and anyone who has tried to even find healthy food on the South side of Chicago knows how difficult it is, and how expensive it is. Despite the fact that some minorities may make wrong decisions, institutional racism in real, and it will always be difficult for minority students to make it through the education system and the corporate system without someone addressing the fact many of the basic norms of this country are the antithesis of our home cultures. And despite the fact that some people have carried themselves up by their own bootstraps, most people have gotten help to achieve or to stay on top, and that the American system depends on poverty to keep the rich rich, and the powerful in power. There are no solutions because the money is in the problem...

And that is soap box Monday...

The Dating Game 11/28/05

2008-01-15T10:12:00.000-06:00

So I just came back from my little cousin's wedding. It was kind of a shocker because she is 23 and was the baby of our group of cousins, yet she is the first of the 4 girls to get married. Two of them are completely single and one has a boyfriend sorta... Anyway, talking to them and some of my other conversations in general remind me why the concept of dating usually just makes me tired.

First of all to me is the problem of what exactly does a date mean? By this I mean exactly how single does one have to be before they are dating. In my opinion, there are very few people who are basically normal in appearance and demeanor who are 100% single. I know this usually causes issues so I will try to explain further. We all know that sometimes you have a girlfriend, or maybe you have someone you are dating but you won't call them a girlfriend yet, but I don't consider you 100% single even when you have that "friend" of the opposite sex that you use as your relationship crutch. You know the person who you talk to for a while, and hang out with constantly, but you just don't touch because hey that would complicate things and you are just "friends." If that person is in your life, you are not single. If you have recently broken up with your ex and you still have those lingering conversations that you sometimes have with an ex out of habit, you are not 100% single. Hell even that person that you always know in the back of your mind will take you out/ go out with you but while you don't really want to you keep them in arms reach just in case... you are not 100% single. That being said, very few of us are 100% single so it leads to the question of what should be expected on a date. I have female friends that believe that once you pursue them they should be the only one, while I have others who believe that until there has been some time of formal commitment made (ie. engagement ring) the flood gates are open. Either way a difference in expectations can lead to serious issues.

Second issue is approaching someone in the first place. See, depending on how well you know me, you will understand that I am pretty nice to my friends and I will do tons for you, but I am an asshole. Actually, I am an egotistical asshole. I got real high standards for who I would spend my time with and unfortunately it’s not something I could figure out from a random conversation in a club/ bar/ house party/ etc. Unfortunately, no one can hang out anymore, people read so much into everything that it gets deep. I know I am not a large proponent of female friends and I will admit that if I invite someone out there is some sort of interest, but its really not that deep. Why waste each others time if we are really not compatible?

Along the lines of reading into things comes the other problem with expectations. This causes hella difficulty because I hear it all the time. Basically everyone has this idea that dates not only don't have to cost money but shouldn't cost money. To me this sucks... I like nice stuff I like to trick off money. I like expensive ass restaurants. Furthermore, if you don't like expensive stuff we prolly can never get along dating anyway because spending money is a favorite hobby of mine. However this always cause trouble because every time I take a girl someplace that seems expensive, people misconstrue money spent with emotions. I mean yeah if I am going to a nice restaurant I would rather go with a woman than my boy, but if we have not been together for a long time I have never understood why someone would be so quick to believe that my spending money was a reflection on them. Hell, especially after you have hung with me for a while you should realize that the money I spend is in no way a reflection on you, it's just what I do. If you want to gauge how I feel, look for other things, like what I say. It is exactly this kind of thinking that gets girls caught up because a brother will figure he can buy his way out of most issues since too many folks equate money with feelings.

The final part of the beginning dating scene that gets me sometimes is the competition. I get it, a lot of people are bitter, folks have had rough experiences. However, let’s leave some of the bag lady/ bag man shit behind. Ok your ex was a gold digger, so now you are mad cause this girl won't accept McDonalds? Come on brother... Ok, you are a strong Black woman, so you gotta have a fist fight with me about the check... well splitting the check. I mean I could deal with it if I bought one dinner and she bought the other, but when the choice is either I pay for both or just pay for me, you’re really not helping me much. Besides, my idea is always u should value yourself enough to think that your body is worth more than a dinner, and please believe that I am not going to figure that you are not leading me on because you paid for your chicken fingers. My thing is just relax… Now days everyone is always trying to fight you on every step, relationships are tricky, people get hurt sometimes, but you still have to relax sometimes… The game is a bitch, but it can be fun sometimes, just don’t take it too seriously. Of course that is my motto.

I am trying... 11/29/05

2008-01-15T10:10:00.002-06:00

So basically, even against my better judgment I try to be down for my people. You know support black business and all that. Every now and again I run across diatribes from my more openly "conscious" leaning friends about the personal responsibility and simple steps that it takes for us as a community to move forward... The problem of course in all of this is (as Chris Rock so correctly put it) Niggaz...

Now I know this is a touchy word, and people get offended by it and the what not but it is a serious problem in the community that must be addressed before we move forward. Just not in the way that most people usually think or expect. I ahve come to find that most of the "Black people" who spend so much time whining about "Niggas" are the actual niggas themselves. It goes back to the whole Bill Cosby thing. Ole Bill felt perfectly justified lamabasting poor black parents for their behavior but if you look closer, he was basically blaming them for being poor. His general conclusion was that poor people must make better decisions then rich people. I mean lets think about it, do you really want Bill Cosby to preach to you about the appropriate Black image? He leans on the Cosby show but this is the same man who made a Watermelon Jello commercial with him being surrounded by dancing watermelons... Nigga Please. He is the same cat who had a child out of wedlock that he never claimed and then pushed her into jail. And now he is under suspcion for date raping white women. Now I am not saying that he did it, but 5 women had the same story spread out over 10 years... lets just say it makes you say hmmmm.

Back to the point, the issue is that the class issue in the Black community is constantly spreading and we persist with the notion that a little bit of money makes you better than the poor folks, when in the end folks don't act any better. I see this most with Black Business. I know so many people who diatribe and whine and moan about the lack of opportunities for Black business, but I am so constantly disheartened by what I continue to see in Black Business. The problem with Black business as a concept is that business does not have moral value. Money is the most important factor. Therefore so many Black Businessmen play up their race to force you to support them, and have a built in economic base, but very few give back anything. They hide behind the fact that they need to be successful as an excuse for why they they won't do anything for the community. It's complete Bull.

To make matters worse there is the issue of what I see too often with Black businesspeople. I remember a Black entrepreneur conference I attended not too long ago. I bumped into 15 cats who had the exact same company. So I was having a conversation with one cat and I said " you know if 15 of y'all are doing the same thing, maybe you could consolidate, expand and actually hire people and get a lot more capital." His response is, "nah I am not really feeling that, it's not about the money I just like being a CEO." Now if that is not some Nigga shit what is? I see so many cats who are "in business" with the newest cell phones, the hot cars, and all of that, but they don't invest in politics, or the community, or mentor, or anything. They are just as materialistic, and narcissitic, and down right vapid as the people they look down upon, They have the same number of baby's mommas, the same lack of savings, they just have more money coming in, more degrees, they are higher in the American capitalist system, and they think that makes them "Black people" able to call someone else a Nigga.

Now don't get me wrong, I know I ain't shit, I am hella materialistic, and all about myself at times... But not really. I couldn't imagine thinking my life was worth something if I didn't give back, but its not just giving back, its caring about something... Anything, that makes you a person of value to me. When I stray to far from that it is that guilt that pushes me forward to get off my ass and back to working for the things that I believe in. See I will tell anyone that I am a nigga... I use the word alot, I grew up with it. It allows me to call myself on my shortcomings and recognize when I am not on my square, but it is also a term of love for my people. It's not rational. On some level if I thought about it too hard I would probably think it was wrong. Of course if I thought my degrees put me above the bullshit, I would be like these half assed folks that annoy me so much... and honestly, perfection and self righteousness is a pain in the ass. I suffer from both at times...

My Ideal Woman 11/22/05

2008-01-15T10:10:00.001-06:00

my boy just asked me what my ideal woman was... and it was kind of a strange question to think about seriously answering because I just don't have a real answer. I mean I have joke answers for days that are based on random shallow traits, but nothing that would make me get off my ass and try to hook something up, because in the end I guess it is all kind of nebulous, and you just have to feel how it goes, but also I guess I just don't have much faith in the whole relationship thing right now.

Just to back up a few things, first, I have thought that the idea of boyfriends and girlfriends was dumb as hell since high school. I mean if there is something I would rather do or someplace I would rather be I will go, and I feel like anyone should do the same. In high school it was worse because the concept of being "committed" when I wasn't planning on getting married seemed crazy. Now I am not saying this is my excuse to be out there like that, after all I a bit too paranoid for all of that, but I knew too many people that stayed in relationships for the relationship's sake. Now that I am older I see so many people that are getting married because they have been dating for a while and that's what adults do without putting any real thought into the future of the relationship and if folks every really were compatible and not just passing the time. I am prolly a bit more defeatist on the whole topic since I have been working as a divorce lawyer recently. But even before that it's not like I knew tons of happily married men. It was more men resigned to their lot in life, and a relativist view of the positives being on the whole better than the negatives, even if but barely. I mean come on that is not sexy.

So from that stand point, I guess I am a romantic, I think I prolly want something that I don't believe exists, so until I can find it in me to make more realistic standards, I keep most things shallow. I consistently tell myself, that in the right situation I will act right, but even that seems somewhat unlikely... at least right now...

Class Issues 11-16-05

2008-01-15T10:06:00.000-06:00

This week the Sun-times ran a series of articles on the fragile Black middle Class. On Monday the article featured a 26 year old Black Investment Banker who moved into Bronzeville sitting in his condo on the front cover with a quote that basically said that poor people on government subsidies actually have no right to any land because taxpayers are paying their rent so he feels no guilt about pushing poor people out. He further goes on to state that he doubts that most of these people ever have to go downtown so it really doesn’t matter if they live in Bronzeville or if they live on 105^th St.

For those of you that don’t know Bronzeville is like many sections in large cities all across the country that is going through gentrification. It was a poor minority neighborhood where people started to build condos and all of a sudden “the hood” has $350,000 condos. The problem of course is Niggas like the man mentioned above. (apologies to anyone offended by the N-word but hey…) See the issue is that once a lot of cats get a little of an education and their first job, too many cats get their noses stuck up in the air, and the so-called noble goals of gentrification are lost because people are nor reinvesting in the Black community they are merely the next generation of people trying to get rich off of the exploitation. The worse part about it is that most of these people really haven’t made anything. We as a people are too often fooled into believing that we have “made it” once we get our first good job. Let’s forget that we have no wealth, and let’s forget that the job is not even promised forever. Instead some decide to show their ass based on some outdated concept of superiority until they are smacked back to earth by the hard reality of how far they really have left to go.

It’s like the interesting thing about the glass ceiling that everyone talks about. The fact is that most people never really hit the glass ceiling. In order to hit the glass ceiling you have to play the game so well that when there is no other “legitimate” reason to not advance you, the answer just becomes “no.” Very few minorities ever reach that point, and it is not to lessen the travails that many people face in corporate environments but it is just to remind people to keep their eyes on the prize… As they said in American Pie “You haven’t scored until you score…” So keep yourself in check.

Why I Hate Cable News 10-31-05

2008-01-15T10:05:00.000-06:00

The reason I hate cable news is that they make a mockery out of very important issues and reduce some of our most important debates to be accessible to 3^rd grade level intellects. I was perturbed by this issue as we went into the 2004 election but currently the situation has gotten out of control. First a little back ground. According to conservatives there is a great liberal bias in the media, now this may be true among rank and file news reporters, but it is not true of the big shots of cable news. In fact as with many things what passes as liberalism and conservatism is a strange amalgamation perpetuated by thoughtless zealots on both sides. However when it comes to cable news what is worse is that the anchor has become a position that is made up mostly of ego, hubris, spin focused through the lens of self importance more than it is about the news or finding an answer.

A few examples: Chris Matthews on Hardball. He portrays his background as a liberal because he worked for Tip O’Neal (which doesn’t show me liberal credentials, but I digress) but constantly spins the news in pro-Republican formats. For instance, he is the main person pushing the idea that the Republicans speak with one voice but he does not know how the Democrats think. This of course overlooks the fact that somewhere over the past 15 years blind allegiance to a party at the expense of ones personal judgment went from being a bad thing to a good thing. Also this is the same man who referred to Bush’s post September 11^th speech on multiple occasions as “arguably the best speech by any President Ever.” Now why this has not gotten him disqualified as a newscaster I will never know.

Another example is Tim Russert on Meet the Press. He is supposedly known for getting politicians when they come on his show with misstatements and inconsistencies but somehow this never quite happens to Republicans. When Obama was on the show, he pressed Obama with multiple quotes about the inability of John Kerry to win the Presidential nomination. He found quotes from random anti-war rallies to try and tie up Obama who was at the time running unopposed in Illinois for Senate. However a few weeks ago he allowed Kay Bailey Hutchinson to state that Bill Clinton was impeached for much more serious corruption issues than perjury and obstruction of justice, yet he then moved on to the next question instead of pulling out her quotes about the seriousness of perjury made at the time, or even making her state what other corruption Clinton had ever been proved of besides lying about sex.

A final example that set me off is the general punditry which is aided by newscasters when they jump on a story. i.e. the Karl Rove not getting indicted issue. First off, the Grand Jury expires so you have to indict on what you can to keep the case open. What they had was Scooter Libby. However, it kills me to hear news people argue that they know the White House planted stories in the paper to make the background for war, and they know they make a practice of destroying their enemies, and they know the White house is a tightly run ship of cronies, however since only Libby got indicted, for some reason Libby panicked and lied to protect something that what not illegal. Huh? First off, for people who understand Fitzgerald this is how he works. If he can’t get the truth because he thinks you are lying, he will indict you, and prosecute you until either you fall on the sword or he gets the information that he wants. Remember former Illinois Governor George Ryan has been investigated since 2001 and he just got indicted last year after aid upon aid had been indicted to find his way to the information that he wanted. What is not evident and should not be reported as a pure fact through is that the investigation was basically a waste and the White house is vindicated. Much less that the people should not ask any questions about a White house that has been outed as fraudulently creating so much news: whether it is the social security town hall meetings, video conference calls with the troops, post Hurricane briefings, or planted news reports. It is all swept under the cover as business as usual and the American people get disillusioned about the importance of politics to the point that even an illegal war is looked at as inevitable. It kind of makes you wonder what has to happen to wake us up…

(to be continued)

Why Conservatives Scare Me...

2008-01-15T10:04:00.000-06:00

I heard a conservative supposedly Christian explaining something as a pro-Lesbian plot to support abortion... Now I am sorry, of all people that I don't think of as being rabidly pro-abortion (understanding that pro-choice and pro abortion are VASTLY different things) Lesbian are pretty high on the list. In the midst of this rant he was explaining how lesbians want to have abortions; which of course is the beginning of the end of society. Now this is insane, because of course because due to my limited understanding I thought that Lesbians were only slightly less likely than gay men to get pregnant on accident. I mean I know the last Bio class I took was in 8th grade but I think I picked that much up. So therefore, without stating so clearly this man was presenting the ideal that lesbians were so morally bankrupt that they would have in vitro fertilization or become a surrogate simply for the purpose of aborting the baby...

Sheesh.... And they wonder why real Christians have started being quiet about it.

Social Optimism vs. Realism

2008-01-15T10:02:00.000-06:00

Right now I am having kind of an internal conflict with myself about whether I am going to be a social optimist, or if I am going to be a realist about my time kicking it. Oh on so many nights I have been in the position where we set up a chance to kick it with some girls, we have the numbers, the time the place, I mean things can really work out. Everyone is talking right, you have a good buzz all you have to do is meet at the spot. This could really be a classic night, and that is the excitement that drives you. You are charged because you begin to picture a perfect night where everything goes well and it becomes one of those great stories that you will be telling (at least in certain company) for years. But the reality is that classic nights don't happen that often. Instead, the night falls apart because one of her friends sucks and is just in an evil mood, or one of the guys you called is just coming on too strong or can't hold his liquor, or there is a fight at the club, or the car gets towed, or something that just completely destroys all of the potential for the night. Unfortunately, the issue is that I know that the night is more than likely to fall apart, but if I allow myself to accept this reality, I don't think I would still put myself out there to kick it, because after all, what is the point of putting plans together if you know it will never work out right?

So basically that is my conundrum, do I continue to be a social optimism and be killed slowly each time the inevitable happens or do I accept the reality that most people really just aren't that fun? Decisions, Decisions.

Hypothetically Speaking

2008-01-15T10:01:00.000-06:00

Not that this is from a real situation but I was wondering how much respect do you need to give someone else's relationship?

I mean we all know a lot of people and its true that your friends significant others are hands off, but what about those people that you know, and you chill with when you see them, but like you don't even have their phone number? Do you REALLY need to respect their relationships. I mean what if the person ain't shit and is doing their partner dirty. Or what if you really think you like the person? I mean what really makes on bogus?

Honestly, I know that most of you have been in a group situation where you see someone who is there with a friend of a friend that you would like to talk to. I mean the couple aren't married and screw it, you don't really know either of them that well, so why not?

The Damn Hook Up

2008-01-15T09:59:00.000-06:00

Recently I have had a few people I know ask me if I knew someone I could hook them up with... I don’t know about for anyone else but to me this is like the most awkward thing in the world. Number one, I feel like if I even make introductions I am baring too much responsibility for what happens in the future. I mean come on, when it comes to your friends, how well do you really know the other people you know? And honestly when it comes to my male friends, let’s just say that the standards for our friendship are not the same as the standards for dating my sister... So basically I always end up in the same position of saying that everybody that I know isn't worth shit, which is kind of true, I guess but it mostly allows me to stay out of it.

Worse though sometimes is when I have a friend try to hook me up. Or at least it is more scary because then you really need to address who the person trying to hook you up thinks you are and how well do they know you. I mean I have had people try to connect me in ways that they should have known would never work which ends up putting immense strain on our friendship. I mean why exactly would anyone who knows me try to hook me up with a cheap, politically apathetic woman with two kids? Yet this has happened and it leaves me to look slightly cross eyed at who I thought I was cool with.

General rule, if friends express mutual interest and I really don't think that one is a BASTARD, then cool I may make the intro if they are sort of on the same page, but otherwise keep me out of it.

Female Friends Pt 2

2008-01-15T09:58:00.000-06:00

Ok, i know this took a minute, but working sucks, what can I say.

Nonetheless, my concept of female friends did get altered because in general while I have to admit that my general motivation for getting to know most of my Black female friends was attraction that wasn't the case with my non-black female friends. I mean not trying to sound altruistic since most of my non black female friendships are based around alcohol and a shared love of slacking (plus the fact that they pay sometimes... but I digress) but nonetheless most of my non-black female friends are not folks that I found myself stalling for time on getting up with. I am not really sure what this means because given time to think about it, none of my non-black female friends are unattractive, so the same rules likely apply its prolly just not as conscious of a decision all the time as I previously though. This is where I modify my position on cross gendered friendships from figuring that they were all just B.S. to accepting the fact that sometimes people really do believe that there is no more too it, even when there is. I am sorry, I have not crossed over to the point of believing that you can just see someone and think "This person sure looks friendly." I am just now more convinced that more (but not all) women are actually telling the truth when they say they think their relationships are purely platonic.

I mean it’s real easy for people to believe that it is just men with minds in the gutter, but I think that classification simplifies things too much. I don't believe in soul mates, or the "one" or any of that stuff, but I do figure that emotions are tricky and you can fall in and out of a lot of stuff, and most of the time your "friends" are creations of bad timing more than anything else...

Last thing I must mention is that I do not think that it works to cross over from being actual friends into a relationship that easily. As much as I think the friendship is based on B.S. at a certain point you know a person too well and it makes relationships hard if not impossible. Unfortunately once someone seriously brings it up the friendship is never the same again anyway so you're damned if you do... Basically the rules are confusing and leads to long half sensible rants, which is why I prefer to let whatever ride and do what it do.

Female Friends

2008-01-15T09:56:00.000-06:00

Aiight, this has to be a 2 part blog just because its long and some folks may not know my background on this.

The main point is that generally I don't believe in female friends. I mean I have some, but in general I don't think that any friendship between heterosexuals of different genders is 100 latonic. The issue is that I don't think that dudes at least go out of their way to keep up with a girl that they don't find attractive. If cats are honest most will tell you that they never really speak to any girls that they think are ugly, with the exception of that really cool chick you were stuck next to in class for a semester, or your fine ass ex's ugly ass friend. Basically, the point of this is for all the ladies that are confused, any dude that calls you up and hangs out with you that is not related to you wants to hit it. He would jump at the chance if you offered. (Go ahead... try it)

The fact is that I think at some level ever girl I meet prolly is extended an open offer for sex, the only question is whether we will ever be able to come up with a contract that can simultaneously meet both of our needs. Also, it is important to understand that I am not saying that all men are animals. Just because I would sleep with you doesn't mean i don't respect you, or even that I would take advantage of you, but experience has showed me that girls act out when they are "sure" that some dude does not think of them like that...

Anyway, this theory has led me to much controversy with arguments from women left and right, though I must admit that my basic beliefs did get adjusted slightly over the past year, as I will explain in pt. 2...

Upper Crust or just plain Burnt Up

2007-05-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

So since I recently changed jobs I have been thrust into a somewhat different social group with the quasi Black elite... Man o man, these niggas need Jesus. It goes a little something like this, you have a few cats, none of which are particularly THAT attractive, or THAT smart, or THAT rich, yet somehow through social engineering and a few well placed parties that have become just that.

It's funnier still because they very survival depends on other people of varying degrees of hotness to buy into their bullshit so that they can quickly act to co-opt these new people and therefore legitimize and reinvigorate their own existence. However at the end of the day when we look a little bit closer we realise that these marvelous examples of successful "blackness" do not pass the basic tests of their objective legitimacy.

To wit, what has the Black elite ever really accomplished? I mean honestly, when we add up all of the bougie niggas and all of their parties and pseudo white posing, and the like, what is the record? I see politicians line up (sometimes) to kiss their ass, but really, who have they ever made or broken financially. The guess is that one day some person will be able to wake this sleeping giant and own this humongous advantage in fundraising but my belief is that after the big homes, and expensive clothes, and big parties, they actually can not afford many substantive charitable donations. Where were the Black elite after Katrina? I saw rappers and I saw intellects and I saw athletes standing up for the people? But where exactly was the Black business community? Maybe I just missed the massive movement but as far as I have seen the closest there has been to helping the people has been pushing the Essence fest back to NO this year, because yup those negroes do love a party.

Now don't get me wrong, hell I like a party, and I like money, and all of that, but as I push further and further with listening to people disparage hip hop and poverty, and try to claim that Cosby's statements are the necessary tough love for the Black community. I have to ask that since I am seeing all the tough, where exactly is the love?

See instead I believe that it is like the E Franklin Frazier book the Black Bourgeoisie, and the semi update "our kind of people" There is a basic issue that the so-called Black elite live in a world of make believe. They are pretending to be elites who are black while secretly know that they might only be considered elite when compared to blacks. What you get is the strange amalgamation of self hate combined with a pathetically false form of pretend. It's like check it out one day, if you are in a room with the Black elite that attempt to aspire to the highest norms of the English Royal court except for the things that would be difficult for them to do. They are fine dressing preppy, and looking down on the "unwashed" yet the majority of them in the room still are unable to actually pick the correct utensils for use, or know the truly appropriate rules of society. And therein lies the rub, what makes them feel superior is necessary, what makes them feel inferior is unnecessary, but its cool because most believe. And I could call them on it but really why bother? Fools at play are really no harm to anyone, and I am actually a little too grown these days to kill their fun...

The Next Necessary Crusade

2007-04-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

When speaking of all of the dangers and ills facing the world. One thing that is missing is that there needs to be a war on outright craziness. Mental Illness is very real people. And a lot of these people are running around being completely off their fucking rocker.

Now I know people often debate about why someone is crazy and want to blame a man or a woman in the past, but lets not blame let's just look at solutions. I mean honestly, if you get in an argument with your significant other and her response is "I will cut your throat and bleed you out little bitch." why are we still in this relationship? I know that according to Ms. Tyler "Dick will make you pull out a gun and shoot somebody." but come the fuck on. People need to chill, shit just can't be that good to set you there and it can't be good enough that you could stay. But hey, I guess I can see your point in saying hey, I am with this unstable Muh... but the sex is amazing so what I will do is just purposely try not to set them off. But do the people do this? Hell to the Naw, instead what they do is go out of their way to set crazy off? Why start screaming matches with crazy? Why cheat on crazy? I mean damn, its sad if you get killed but if a person threatens to burn your house down if she catches you cheating, why exactly do you cheat? Somewhere personal responsibility has to come into the picture.

Secondly, people have got to stop being enablers. People stop thinking that that psycho shit is cute. It really isn't. That dude that wanted to beat up your TA in college for speaking to you about your homework? Not a good look? That girl who cussing out the coat check girl for smiling too hard? Ummm, not so much. Worse part about it is that very few of these crazy ass people are ever cute. Nah, they generally look like shit, and are nuts, but people just stay on with these folks, get married and then have these super contentious divorces, if not a murder...

Finally, stop acting like you didn't know... Basic premises is that everyone has red flags... Very few people go completely off the fucking deep end without some warning, because believe it or not everyone does not have it buried in them somewhere. That shit is an urban legend. I just can't ever see myself waiting outside your house taking pictures of you on my cellphone that I text to you at random parts in the day... I can't see myself calling you 40 plus times in a day cussing you out calling you all types of bitches and hoes and then wondering why we can't get back together. Best part is because in all of these examples (which are true stories by the way) the folks knew about it. You see them early in the relationship and they will crack that their man/ woman is a little bit crazy. Then they want to be shocked later... Bullshit, I say.... Bullshit.

It is an epidemic. As more and more time goes on we learn very clearly that people in this world are crazier than shit, yet no one talks about it. Whether its ole boy from VTech, who started the shit killing a girl that wouldn't talk to him, to the numerous relationship stories where someone's car has been destroyed or the plain ass stalking cases, people need to get their minds right. We need a ribbon....