Melancholy

So I was e-stalking on myspace or facebook and I saw this picture of this girl. She was stunning, like truly, I had to take a closer look. I wasn't even sure she was real... Of course when I took the closer look at the picture she had a huge bleached out spot on her arm that was sort of like a huge reverse birthmark. That in a nutshell is how it is... There is always that smack of reality that stops anyone from being perfect. The girl of your dreams always decides on day to shave her head, or to quit her job, or become a vegan, or some type of bullshit that fucks up fantasy land, that forces you to deal with the fact that she is not the person that you want her to be.

One of my boys sent an email about cheating on your wife to a list I am on with a bunch of married cats. One of the engaged cats basically wrote back that he was sick of dating and hollering at chicks and how with each conversation he has with a woman that doesn't mean anything to try and get some ass "a little part of him dies." He spoke the truth. I will tell you, my dream in a relationship is to fast forward to the easy parts. I hate having to pretend that I am always nice, that she never gets on my nerves, that she is never a bitch... Of course she is a bitch sometimes, and I am an ass, but in the end I want to be here. But instead I am in the street having the same conversation time and time again with different people to no end result. Hell I don't even try to sleep with most of these women, its just the game "I just play it to play it." (Jigga) And that gets me to the part that I hate the most. Sometimes even I get caught up and complain about the game. I will be calling it like I see it and I will have a woman try to argue me down. Where it mostly comes down is about whether or not spending money makes it easier to have female "friends," I say the money helps, obviously my female friends always say that the answer is no, we can't really settle this because I think you are lying. (side note, yes I suck, I do believe that women will lie in a heart beat to win an argument, that is why first person sources are completely illegitimate.) What is the point of this? not much, it is just my general feelings now... ie malaise...

And then, the other shoe drops...

So last night I got stuck in a shitty conversation... Like real shitty... so I figured I'd vent, basically part of my life is basically like Hitch, had a fucked up interaction though not like the movie thing and sort of "adapted" for the future.

I wont say that I have turned off emotion but I am cautious. As a general rule I try my best not to hold the sins of the past against the present and the future but I got caught up because I was sort of asked not to hold the sins of the past against the perpetrator.

Like the whole set up is complicated, basically we were good friends, thought about the transistion into more than friends, I saw certain conversations one way, she swears she didn't, it came to a head we fell out the end. Five, yeah that's right FIVE, years later she comes back and basically states that she made the wrong choice, would have made a different decision if she had it to do over, and that she really wants her best friend back because I was her best friend and she doesn't even DO best friends. Mind you, all of this comes up at 1:00am, on IM... fucking great.

Basically our shit fucked up because of a mix of youth and bullheadedness and all types of other bullshit, and it prolly wouldn't have worked and I can understand that, however I was FUCKED UP, I mean really... Not because the shit didn't work but because of how the shit didn't work. I mean damn, if my "best friend" told me that they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I didn't feel the same I would handle with care. I mean how can you truly believe that someone gives that much of a fuck about you when they basically shut you down cold and give you a mean ass bullshit answer that makes you feel like the entirety of your connection, romantic or not was completely in your own head. Then after all of that to come to you earnestly and ask you to drop the cynicism and be their sweet and wonderful best friend again.

The arrogance.... First, let's face it, life is hard, I have a long string of things that have led to my cynical perspective, her being one of them, yet she feels comfortable enough to ask me to drop it all because she happens to be lonely, or reminiscing or something. Basically it sucks because I am dropped back into thought that I don't really want to be in, and it makes me cast a critical eye at all of my current interactions because shit just doesn't fit... But I hate being HERE... Or the fact that I could even still get here over shit like this, or that I amy have to answer some dumb ass questions about the fact that this was my reaction, or whatever... it's not important enough to me to try and set the record straight, but for a moment.... damn its just the nerve of some folks... shit...

The Commute

Today I had to put my car in the shop, the shop which is unfportunately all the way on the other side of the city from where I work. So what this means is that I am forced to wake up at a completely ungodly hour and trek across the city on the way to work on the bus. Shit, I hate the bus, this here trip is bearable for one reason only and that is that it is spring break in the city right now and therefore the morning buses are not packed with 8 million loud mouthed teenagers trying to be cool/ hard. Anyway as I take the bus all of a sudden the bus just pulls over. Why? You may ask... Well aparently the driver is off and the new driver is late and so we just wait on the street and apparently this is all normal. The thing that keeps coming back to me is that we often forget how shitty of a life we expect the "others" to accept and not bitch about. The chasm between the haves and have nots would cause much more outrage, I believe if we were ever actually forced to see one another. It is precisely this out of site out of mind perspective that allows us sometimes to get lost in our little bougie snow globes and get convinced that we or someone we know could possibly know EVERYBODY underlying statement being everybody that "matters."
This brings me to where we currently are in the Obama campaign, Rev. Jeremiah Wright is being called out on statements that he made that middle America (white) is saying is so radical. People are questioning how could people as successful as the Obama's feel anything but undying pride in America. They proceeded to go on and call things that Blacks consider to be fairly normal completely crazy and out of the mainstream, but then again Black America is out of sight and out of mind in America...

Fill in the Blank...

So basically in relationships I find I have a tendancy to fill in the blanks. Basically when I am dating someone they start off as my ideal (If they are on the marriage track.) What that means is that they are perfect and so I assume their response to anything would be the ideal. Obviously that is not the case, but that is how I look at it. This does lead to problems as every situation we have not encountered is a blank I fill in with my ideal response. The problem is that when reality does not match the ideal there is a let down, an realistically most times the reality does not match the ideal.

Obviously this leads to problems because reality is never that pretty. And even though I know this it never solves the problem that comes with the letdown. But what to do? Because honestly there is nothing I love more than that period of time when a woman is perfect. That is the absolute greatest time in the world for me, dates are perfect I "know" how she will react to every circumstance and it is absolutely perfect. She has so much grace and class, yet she is fun and serious at the same time, and definitely not annoying in the slightest. I know that this is insane, I do, it makes no sense at all.

But basically that is my conundrum, whatever I don't know when I like you I give you the benefit of the doubt and you become perfect. Damn pedastals and what not, and to my vicitims in the future I apologize for filling in the blanks. But I have found that reality is not always that much of a let down... and that's what I look for.