One Way Magic

Sometimes when you are dating, you go out with someone, and it is sort of awkward... I mean its not bad, but its not really good, you sort of have made it through the date and while you figure that you could be friends you figure that you wont be friends because you met on a date as opposed to a friend type setting. So its all good, it's no harm no foul, you're not mad at paying because its basically they are good people just not the one for you. It's all good right? Well not so much, because now, you have left and you are planning to give the 'hey it was fun, we should do this again' text fully expecting them to give you a similarly vague response when they hit you back with the 'definitely, how about tomorrow?'

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

This my friends is the phenomenon that I call one way magic... It sucks, its basically where you had a passable or bad time on a date and someone else had them sparks. The shit is scary because not only are you now in an unrequited love situation but you have to believe the other person is crazy because hell you were on the date and you don't see how anyone could have thought that it was all of that. The bigger issue of course is what to do? How do you successfully manage a one way magic situation? Hell I don't know. What I do know is that the shit is incredibly awkward.

I mean damn have you ever tried to have a dissuasion convo with someone who was convinced that they loved you? It's nuts because one of the facts of one way magic is that the person that is in love with you does not know you. They sort of just fast forward through the fact that they want to get married and start a steakhouse with you even though you are a vegan. They sort of fast forward through the fact that you are in no way compatible. And please for the love of God, (and yes this is more of a male thing,) don't sleep with the one way magic person. That sets shit completely off the deep end. All of a sudden all rationality is out of the window because even if you could only perform for 7 seconds they will have come 3 times. There are no wins in this shit... Basically the best advice I can give is leave before it becomes fatal attraction. or test at the end of the date how someone feels so you just don't call afterwords, because once you get involved in one way magic there is only one way for it to end, and that is ugly. Either you are ugly, or the situation gets ugly. either way, if you try to stay positive like I do, it sucks...

Where we are...

So for anyone who ahs been looking at the Site I just finished posting my favorite old blogs so you can have an idea of who I am... From this point on it is new stuff.... Fairly random and sometimes all over the place, but that is why its called pontificating randomly.

peace and love.

Settle Game 3/12/07

So this weekend I was doing one of my myspace hobbies which was blog surfing.  I love blog surfing, just because you can see what random people are thinking.  Of course as usually I bumped into the long diatribe of men vs. women blogs and I was struck by one very sad question.  What is the deal with all of these college educated woman dating dude's that ain't about SHIT.?!?

I mean really, you will be reading a long and this girl has a master's and a job and is pretty much holding it down, talking about she needs to date a dude that can hold a job for more than 6 weeks.  Huh?  Talking about how she need a dude that wears more than White T's...  Wha?  Talking about how they need they dude to shape up and not be the type to embarrass them at a work function.

Ok, so the question is where the fuck are y'all girls hanging out/  Hell I know everyone ain't lawyers, and everyone don't like lawyers, but come on there has got to be some middle ground between Harvard and Harold Washington College.  I mean shit.  I know the statistics but if you are telling me that a woman with a master's degree can't do any better than a high school drop out I have got to say bullshit.  Being flexible means your college degree with some college and a job.  Your Masters with college.  Schools that are ranked differently.  But when your standards are low enough to just say someone who is not going to show their natural ass in front of your boss, I think you are setting yourself up for long term disappointment.

I mean its surreal.  I go to spot after spot and I swear it seems to me like the Million Man march in that club.  And yeah some of the dudes are corny, and some are assholes, but hell, they are working.  They know how to use a fork.  They can read.  That has got to be better that what some of these women say they are dealing with.  And yeah I have heard the whole "educated black men are too difficult, too arrogant."  I say that is the same type of bullshit like educated black women are too difficult.  Man up.  Here is a fact, I know quite a few brothers that started dating their current girl planning to just run through it and be done.  But no, shorty had that master strategy.  Through a combination of subtle punches and counter punches they tamed some of the mightiest egos out.  Basically they put the work in for what they wanted.  Not saying y'all all got to want the same thing, but if you really wanted a dude on your level you could make that happen.  It's like the Art of War, most battles are won and lost before you step on the field.  So stop whining about people being difficult and step your game up, or maybe you're the one that doesn't belong here... (just a thought).

Basically I guess my question is what happened to the middle ground, why is it that people seem to always want perfection, but when they decide to settle its all about the first cute smile.  and honestly it's not just the blogs that put this in my face.  It's about the fact that I know with any girl I meet before I can give her too serious of a thought I have GOT to see her exes.  No matter what she is saying right now, if I am too different from her exes then we just prolly aint going to work.  Now this is not meaning your ex had to go to an Ivy or law school.  Not at all, But basically, if all you normally date are dumb wack thugs, and your favorite date is usually cruising around stony island on those dubs, and smokin one, then we just ain't going to make it.  If we have no similarities personally in how we kick it.  See I got boys who haven't finished college but we are still very similar.  That I can deal with more than a dude who has the exact same degrees as me, but is just funadamentally different.  The fact is that some people are just mutually exclusive.  You can't really like me and like him, so my thought is that if you used to date a couple of hims that you can't like me.  The same thing is true with women.  If all of your man's exes are quiet and demure, and you are (let me say) vibrant and opinionated chances are y'all are not going to work out unless he had his 'come to jesus' moment.

The issue is that at some point there has to be some sort of pattern recognition.  You can't keep running around bitching because McDonald's isn't serving you a dry aged Prime Ribeye.  You need to figure out you are in the wrong restuarant.  and if you can't afford the other restaurant, then maybe that ain't what you want.  But it doesn't mean you gotta go back to bitching about McDonalds, it just means that maybe you should check out that hot mid priced restaurant.  Basically figure out where you want to be and then figure out how to make that shit happen, cause forcing these wack relationships to work if you are lucky will just end you up in divorce court or miserable, if you are unlucky you will only get that trip to the BMC, and I know you don't want that.

That BMC 3/1/07

Those that know me have heard me bitch about one of the BAINS of my job which is known as "Baby Momma Court."  (* Warning while this is not meant to be offensive to any single parents I really can't tell what makes people catch feelings, but dammit, if you act like some of these bastards you need some get right)  Now for those of you that don't know, there is an entire separate building for child support issues with people have who children out of wedlock.  If you were married it's handled in the Daley center, if not we go to Baby Momma Court.  Now let me tell you.  Baby Momma court is the MOST HORRIBLE Court in the World.  Let me tell you that shit is like real life Muary Povich and Jerry Springer together.  The DNA results, the fights, shit is crazy.  The sad thing is that there are some cases that are important, some times the courts are what is necessary for the best interests of the childs, unfortunately those days are few and far between.  As for the issues... its just a few points.

1.  The people in Baby momma court were usually in relationships.  See what I have found is that the hit it and quit it accidental preganancies usually don't go to court.  The dude usually doesn't know he has a kid and the woman is not mad so she figures why fuck with dude.  He ain't got shit, and the last thing I want is some dude fucking with me on my child's birthday.  However what this means is that almost all the cases in Baby Momma Court are Highly Emotional which means they last ALL FUCKING DAY. and the problem is that this shit ain't law.  There is no form of evidence in existence that can determine who should get the lil bastard THIS  weekend.  Absolutely None.  so that means we have to come to an agreement which means I am stuck in that mutha for HOURS.  Also the fact that people are in relationships means that they are MAD.  I mean completely pissed off.  This bothers me because someone comes in talking about how completely the other isn't shit.  My response (to myself) usually being "well you were the one fucking them so obviously you thought they had something."  However discretion says I keep that to myself.  Nonetheless, you know that the only reason your ass is paying so much money to ahve me fight with this chick/ dude is because you are mad they are with someone else.  Hell that is when 90% of the cases start, when the baby momma or daddy got a new one.  it's like "Oh shit, you replacing me, I'ma take your ass to court for visitation."

2.  People don't realise that Court is an all or nothing deal.  Once yo ass comes to court talking about his drug problem and her whoring, all the professionals involved know that neither of you should really have the damn kid, but we can't really do that.  Still people will fight and fight and sling all types of mud, and then when you start doing an actual agreement which spells out EVERYTHING down to what car you can use to pick the kids up and the exact zone of time for kids to be dropped off and notice for any deviiation of plans as well as emergencies people start bitching about how they are grown and dont need the court in their shit.  No, yo ass is not grown, grown folks could figure out visitation without having me argue about the fact that you don't want his new wife to talk to your child EVER. and how he needs to take off work to pick the child up for visitation because you don't want to meet that new Bitch.  Or how we have two parents who purposely scheduled birthday parties for the kid at the same time to fuck each other over.  It's plain tiring.  So since you are on that duymb shit we have to spell out EVERY DAMN THING in the order.  Of course this is problematic too.

3.  Because once a lot of these bastards get a court order they want to run to the police for every violation.  Now yes, police can enforce court orders, however, if dude is 15 minutes late dropping off the child have the police come over and drag the child away from their father is NEVER a good idea.  People are severly fucking up their kids because they want to call the police everytime a provision of the court order gets violated.  Let me explain, this is why we have court, you need to file a rule to show cause.  What's that, don't want to pay $1000 in legal fees to fuck with your ex over the child watching television a little late when they called first?  Then leave that shit the fuck alone...  Damn....

4.  A few answers to questions:  No I can't make him visit his child.  No you can't withould visitiation because he isn't paying child support.  No locking up a person paying child support is never a good idea because they will likely lose their job.  No, I can't make her itemize what she spends your money on. No, that sex tape you have of her is not going to get you custody.  Hell your ass is in it with her.  Dumb ass, please tell me that you did not demand she take a drug test when you are still getting high your damn self and you used to get high together.  Order of Protection are not toys.

5.  Make sure that is your damn kid.  I wish I could explain the number of times a dude has come in their ready to fight for custody and what not just to find out after the blood test that it aint his.  Sadder still is that the judges barely flinch.  It's like, "sucker, should've checked before you started paying that loot.  You knew you didn't know where she was most nights."

6.  Other thing is what is the deal with folks have babies with these UGLY muthafuckas.  I mean i don't want to be mean and everyone is beautiful is Jesus's eyes, but shit.  some couples you sit there and wonder what the hell happened?  I mean how did we get here?  Its nuts.  It's like all the other craziness gets amplified because the basic shit doesn't make sense.  Like how did we get here.  But hey no judgment.

Now with all of this, is there any wonder that the kids are FUCKED UP.  Be damn adults.  I respect my friends who do what they have to do, they have kids but they take care of their kids realising that if the other dude is trifiling, while they may want them to act better, there is nothing positive to come from dragging everyone in and out of court over dumb shit.  They also realise that there is no point putting your kids in the middle of your shit.  I mean being a parent isn't easy but its easy to tell when you are thinking about your child and when you are not.  And that count for Mother's fighting the broke ass father for his $40 a month as well as the Father who really needs to consider stepping back a little.  If you are not married, there is a limit to how much you can both be equal parents for the child.  They can know you but sometimes stability is important.  Once parties start getting married if your ass is stopping the step father/ mother from taking "your child" to disney world with the rest of their family you aint shit.  There I said it...    After all if the mother or father really is trifling, the kid will figure it out.  Trust...

Big Momma's House 2/20/07

So I have been seeing a lot of blogs, diatribes, articles, etc. lambasting Eddie Murphy's new movie Norbit.  Now its not that I did not expect to get a few protests, but I guess I expected people to protest because it is ass ignorant, not as the final straw in the attack on overweight black woman and standards of beauty.  I have seen personal testimonies of women identifying with Eddie's big female character as a person with feelings and either connecting with her in a sense of solidarity, or standing proudly because she is so out there and confident and cheering her own.  In my opinion, all of that is bullshit.

I know and I believe in the effects of the history of slavery and racism and I believe in the affects of a paternalistic society and the so-called european standards of beauty, but what I say to most of my sisters who got caught up in this is to relax, because you are not as you are seeing yourself.  It stresses me out when I see a woman who is dark skinned and medically considered to be overweight to consider herself to be like "Mo'Nique."  It just ain't so. (Full discosure, I'm not a Mo'Nique fan, particularly the so-called positive and self affirming crap she tries to pass off to legitmize her comedy to be more than just jokes) Even though they both played Effie, Jennifer Hudson is not the same as Jennifer Holiday.  And furthermore, please believe that the major reason that Jennifer Holiday did not "make it" was not because of her size but because she was exceedingly arrogant and evil.  After all, she is not big now and yet she is not a star.  Yeah, size and image do matter, it is why Jennifer Lopez will always outsell Kelly Price, but remember we are talking about pop music and fantasies, and this is not about reality it's about popularity.  i know that people have this issue with these big black women being the source of so much comedy, but realistically, that is the rest of the reason why I am not a monique fan.  Hell why I am not a fan of too much public cooning in general (private cooning is alright.)  Once you have too many people living the stereotype why isn't it fair game to laugh at?  To me, jokes about brothers liking a big ass is funny because even though not universally true, the popularity of Buffy the Body shows that some cats are on that next level shit.   So as long as you are finding 300 lb women trying to be stripping in the club, and being stereotypically "sassy" why would hollywood not make the jokes that everyone else is making?

Which leads me to the main source of my confusion, which is why so many intelligent sisters I know not only fight to be indentified as less attractive than they are, but then they fight because this less attractive manifestation of womanhood is not being objectified.  It reminds me of a blog that my homegirl Le'Keisha wrote about the big boned sisters versus the skinny sisters.  Stop the fucking madness.  We all have a weight to carry with how we look, and depending on that image we have more or less work to do with how we behave and who we are to fill the gap between how we are precevied and how we want to be perceived.  Just because I would rather see a woman of a certain size doing a tip drill in a video doesn't mean I am any more likely to be seen in public with her.

Hell the most offensive thing I think I heard in a while was a woman that told me that while I may have been upset because this high school drop out woman with four kids asked me out, she KNOWS that if the woman was more attractive I would have gladly rolled with it.  Get off of that shit.  Fine people get played too, pretty people getting shitted on all of the time, but because no one identifies with them, because they don't even identify themselves as one of the fortunate, no one feels sorry for them.  No instead people like me have to get lambasted because they think its utterly ridiculous to have a 400 pound woman doing a split on national television talking about she is sexy.  There is a very wide line between being confident enough to not let your image set your worth, and being delusional enough to think that your self worth is equal to your worth to others.  Hell to play along and cheer that to me is what is really cruel.  It's just like patting that illiterate teenager on the head as he says he's going to be a doctor when he grows up without someone telling him that he is going to have to learn to read. 

Basically the point is, that someone who can't tell the difference between an heavier Black Woman with a PHD and Big Momma is racist...  You don't need to claim all that...

Fighting the Good Fight 2/24/07

To go on the list of things that I thought that everybody knew but apparently they don't. 

It's not what you say, it's how (and when) you say it.

What do I mean?  well it's like this...  sometimes when people are in relationships they have disagreements, they may argue, they may get a little hysterical, who really knows however sometimes when they are talking all that shit and getting annoyed they are always aware that they do not want to leave their current situation.  No matter what they may say.  However ladies, I will tell you, before you talk too much shit to some man that is not your Husband or fiance...  Take a look in the mirror.  Cause if you are not looking good you should keep your mouth shut.

Please believe it, see, as a man, we are basically shallow and short-sighted and so short of a marriage which would cost us money to leave, or an engagement where we have already ponied up for a ring, if you get to talking all that big stressful shit while you are busted, its REAL easy for us to leave.  See fact is that most people stay in relationships partially because of the person, but also partially out of a question of how easily can I do better?  Can I really get a better you in a minute?  If a person believes that the answer is yes, then my good sir or madame you will be gone...

Practically, this means that if you roll up on your man and y'all aint had sex in a while and you don't cook ever, and your hair is undone and you are wearing that old sweatsuit cause you have had a cold for the past three days and you are all swollen and messy.  Do not pick this as the time to lambast your man's lack of ambition.  You will be alone faster than you can say oops. Hell he don't give no fuck, he can't remember what you used to look like or even what you may look like tomorrow, but right now he knows that he can get someone hotter than you are looking at this exact moment that is not stressing the shit out of him so its an easy decision.

This goes the same way for the dudes though.  If you are out with your girl at dinner, and you guys are having a great time, the bill comes, you pick up the check, and your credit card(s) get declined so your girl has to pay.  Hey, it's cool, I mean there is no judgment, but just to be safe you better shut the fuck up for the rest of the night.  I mean you can't get buck about anything broke ass.  I mean straight up, I have never met a woman, and don't expect to meet a woman that is going to allow a man that she has to support to talk shit to her.  I don't mean makes more money than, I mean she is supporting your ass.  She should claim you on her taxes as a dependant.  Guess what?  she is not going to treat you as an equal cause you are not her equal...  She can afford dinner, You, on the other hand, can not.  Equality is all out the door.  If its a temporary situation its cool, fix the problem tomorrow and just be cool for the night.  If it is a permanent situation, your broke ass needs to go to work because you are too poor to be in a relationship where you are anything other than a "kept" man.  Whatever you decide is cool, just don't be surprised if your girl is tossing your shit outside after a minor argument right after you have flexed your poverty for the people.

See, shit has to happen from a position of strength, and trying to pretend like certain things don't exist will not help you get anywhere in this world.  So the next time you just feel that pressing need to check your man on some annoying ass habit of his, just run to the bathroom, take off the doo rag, make sure that the shirt you are wearing is not just a cute shirt, but looks cute on you... and maybe throw on some heels to be safe.  Unless you really do want to gamble with your situation and if that's the case, Sleet always says Double down...

Annoying Shit 1-11-07

Ok, things that piss me off right, is when people sit around and like co-sign on themselves.  I mean, its annoying enough when people spend a lot of time bragging and talking about how hot they are, but no, I am not talking about that, I mean the whole concept of just figuring that you are hot enough and injecting your opinion on bullshit into every conversation.

I can't stand when wack people try to tell you someplace is hot, or not..  Why the hell would I care what your opinion is on the matter?  I mean honestly, your ass goes out about twice a month, you know who you came in the damn club with, and you are going to expect me to take your call on what the hot spot is?  man shut yo ass up.

Or when people call me up asking what's going on?  Look, I can give you a list of shit, or I can tell you some spots, but basically all I can offer is liquor and music.  I can't tell you what the crowd is like, I can't promise that you are going to have one of the 7 best times you have ever had in your life, I just can't do it.  But no, some people expect you are giving them a full throated endorsement whenever you say a place.  Look, this needs to be understood very clearly.  We can be in the same place at the same time but not have the same time.  It depends on what you consider to be a good time.  See I don't go to too many clubs where I don't know the people throwing it and therefore know a fair amount of the crowd, but realistically the part of the crowd I know are the alcoholic cats that kick it all the damn time that I met while we were being the 15 people in the bar on a Tuesday.  So yeah I basically have a good enough time whenever I go out because except for special occasions I don't stretch.  This means once again I can't tell you if somethings going to be hot.

This also means that I don't give a fuck what you tell me is hot.  Especially if you are not in my circle.  I have been around enough to know that we are not all into the same shit.  I mean hell some people like Secrets...  Some people like Karaoke...  some people are cool to dance and don't care if the drinks suck.  I am none of those people.  It's nothing personal.  Wack is relative after all.  But this is why we can't all kick it.  or vouch for kicking it.

the other part of this pet peeve is when people want to kick it and expect to kick it when they bring nothing to the table.  It's like don't expect me to be impressed because you say you like kicking it with me.  Particularly depending on when/ where we kicked it.  It's like if you were out one of the night we were being assholes and got drunk doing shots with reckless abandon and you ended up nice and drunk and home safe all for free, well who wouldn't enjoy that?  That's like saying I had fun when you gave me that free steak and a bottle of scotch.  Is that really a surprise that I would like that?  the question is what am I doing to make you want to do that again?  I mean shit, if you aren't bringing around fine ass girls, or have hook ups at the bar, or plugging me with whatever the hell it is, why would I want to keep spending time or money on you?  This is where I hear some dumb ass shit like "cause I'm fun" or cool, or something...  Ok, here is the hint, NO you are not that damn cool.  You are not that damn fun.  Get over yourself.  Basically you can't co-sign on yourself that you are worth my time.  That shit don't work.  I am the only one that can say you are worth it because the question is are you worth it to me...  I actually can't believe there are grown ass people who don't understand that.

but alas, there are.  They are out, there and they nag the shit out of you about taking them out to kick it like you are the charity drink giver.  I mean what part of the game is it where you can call me up to just ask me to trick off money on you and be salty when I'm like "I'll pass" and then even still want to harass me about the next time we are hanging out. 

I know this was random ranty and shit but damn....

How to have a first Date 1-7-07

Folks who used to read this for a while know I used to write a lot about bad dates...  However, I stopped having so many bad dates by adhering to guidelines but currently I have had more than a few people bitch at me about their bad dates so I figured I'd share some helpful hints that worked for me.  I'll prolly address some of the other bad stuff later.

1.  Fuck convention.  Almost ever bad date I have ever had is steeped somewhere in convention.  I don't give a rat's ass if everyone says dinner and whatever is a great date if you don't want to do that shit, don't do it.  Nothing is worse than a $150 dinner where the conversation sucked and because you bought all that food you are not even buzzed.

2.  Have a safety net for fun.  What is a safety net for fun?  well it goes along with number 1.  I go on dates to bars where I can drink.  If I am going to spend $150, I'm going to be fairly twisted so even if you suck I can send you home in a cab (cause you don't want me drunk driving you now do you...) and still pretty much enjoy myself cause I am twisted.  If I ahve spent all that money and I am just full, that ain't good enough cause I still had to hear you talk...If we click, its cool, I had fun, you had fun, its all good.

3. Self select.  See, when you pick to go on a date to a bar on a Tuesday you have already self selected yourself down to a better sample.  See that uptight chick who is going to nag you forever about how you are such a fuck up for going on in the middle of the week and for knowing the names of like 25 different shots, prolly won't come out with you to a bar on Tuesday.  The introduction of I am trying to get drunk in the middle of the week kind of tells her something about you, and if she rolls you at least don't have to worry that much about her being uptight.  I mean sure there could be other problems, but generally not that she is scared to kick it.

4.  If the money is going to bother you, don't go.  I know, it seems harsh, but fuck it, when my money is funny I am SHADY.  I admit it, but honestly I am not going to have much fun if I have to run a calacultor in my head to make sure I am not embarassed when the bill comes.  You would not believe the number of dudes I meet that get to bitchin about being short ofr the month cause they thought they were going to go to the W (home of $14 drinks) and get out for under 40...  not happening brother...  let it go...

5.  Say completely ass ignorant shit early and often.  Just so that you can know if they are cool enough to think you are funny, but also so they know you are quite to ridiculous to be considered husband material right now.  Just relax, enjoy the liquor, we will deal with all of those other serious questions after I figure out if you annoy the shit out of me or not.  After all, why shoudl I waste time finding out your likes and dislikes when all I really need to know is that I could never marry anyone that chews her food like that, or laughs like that...  see we all saved time and since you don't know shit about me, no one's invested, I'm just that guy you got drunk with once and we can still be friends... 

6.  Go directly after work.  The other person should have a job, and this way you cut down a fair amount on the likelihood that the other person will be wearing something that is absolutely ridiculous.  If they wore something ridiculous and sat through work in it, well you know what you need to know now and if you call them again its your fault.  Yup, you are all to blame.

7.  don't have multiple phone conversations before the first date.  I know you think you are feeling the other person out, but honestly how are you supposed to know if they are lying...  you don't know them or their body language at all.  That is why the middle of the week after work thing is the greatest.  You can see them stutter, search for the bullshit answers they think you want, and whatever, and you don't have to have false expectations that someone is different than they are because their phone game is tight.  Not like you are really going to know anyone anyway since 80% of what you learn about someone in the first 3 weeks is complete bullshit.  (you can quote me on that one!)

8.  Vague is the name of the game.  Youa re out with a stranger, why are you telling them all your shit?  exactly, there is no reason, just relax, talk about fun shit, talk about dumb shit, do not have deep ass conversations because no one cares.  At best its too much information, at worse you are giving them clues about who you are that they use later to fool you into thinking you have a connection.  Honestly, no one remembers what they tell people in early date conversation.  Even in really GREAT conversations...  hell especially in those.  Everything is just flowing and if you are just speaking the truth who knows what u said.  just keep it light, don't need to know your parents knick names before I know your middle name...  ya feel me?

9.  Already have your background check done, or at least partially completed...  There is nothing worse than that fear that someone you met is cool as hell but they got soooooo many potential dealbreakers out there.  Its best to know what you can easily find out as soon as possible.  I mean, hell, you know when you met you got the name, school they went to and occupation, better send that through your database and see who knows who you know.  If someones rep is too bad, to obviously, why waste anyone's time or money, or play with people's emotions?  exactly there is no reason...

All of these rules are basically modifiable to fit your personality.  Ie, if you don't like to kick it like that, i wouldn't reccommend Tuesday dates in a bar...  I mean that is just me though, but these pretty much assures that all of your dates can get at least partial credit as kicking it excursions even if things don't jump, which is as close to a win win as we get in this game...

Check Um 12/17/06

I go out a fair amount, so I meet a lot of people.  Of course I don't recognize/ remember a lot of folks, sometimes I will try to play it off but sometimes I am just too tired to go that far.  But what do I hate?  I hate when I introduce myself to a dude and his response is "You've met me before."  What the hell am I supposed to say in response to that one?  I mean who the fuck says something like that without some greater purpose.  It is obvious if someone is introducing themselves to you that they don't remember you.  what's worse is that you remember them so now you feel insecure because you gave them more thought than they gave you.  I get it, it hurts, but damn homie keep that whining shit to yourself.

Which gets to my main point, at some point we got too many whining ass dude in this world, or as I call them Bitch asses...  Its a stark hybrid of mal adapters who had a bad reaction to women's liberation.  They accepted equal women when it comes to giving up responsiblity but still want to swagger and gain the deference like men of old.  Ok, basic point, in the old days, Men got deference because women did not work.  The man understood that his job was to make sure everyone could eat and be happy and safe and if that mean he had to have 3 jobs and a heart attack when he was 50 that is what he had to do, cause he was a man.  Now a days we live in a whole different world.  I mean hey, I understand the whole pimp school "break-a-bitch" mentality...  I do, I'm from the Chi I get it, but you have to differentiate between pimping and when you like a chick.  You can't expect a woman that you like to take your bullshit and then call her out for expecting to be treated right and not thinking you are stupid...  its a bad look.

For instance the whole Gold digger thing is how cats got over.  Girls take so much cheap shit so they wont be called a gold digger, yet realistically the fact is that a woman with a good job is naturally going to be more expensive.  I mean hell, if you girl is making six figures and y'all go to a restaurant she prolly wont pick the cheapest thing on the menu, cause she can afford what she wants so she will get it.  If you can't afford it your dumb ass should have got on the internet before you picked this spot to make sure you could afford it.  How you gonna get mad cause the woman thought that you could afford what she could afford?  I mean yeah I am an advocate of the fact that there is a difference between buying one meal and two, but when I see cats mad cause the girl didn't order the chicken at the steak house I have to wonder what is wrong with cats.

But its not just dates...  the Bitch ass spreads all over.  We have a entire generation of whiny ass men who think they are hard.  Sensitive thugs, who want you to respect them as MEN while they remain constant fuck ups.  Then they want to blame historical discrimination for why they are fuck-ups.  Look, I know I am hard on cats, but these are the same sweater wearing fools that run all of these black mentoring programs who teach boys dumb shit like its alright to cry and put forth this image of black man hood which is basically some Tavis Smiley ass fool with razor bumps shirtless holding a baby and reading poetry, while forgetting that your real job is to raise and protect that child and give him a roof and options.  The Black child doesn't need hugs.  He needs to be able to compete.  He needs to understand that no matter how bad a hand you have in life you still have to play it or fold.  It's not sentimental, its not even nice, but its real. 

Finally my main pet peeve from these cats are the ones that give me the heartfelt conversations about how they are going to stop dating Black women because they are "too difficult."  Now I will be the first to tell you that every woman sure ain't worth it, and a lot of these people are not all good.  However, can you really expect a woman to defer to you if you would get her pregnant and work to hustle the system to not pay ANY child support?  I mean damn, if a woman deferred to half of the dudes she messed with she would be dead depending on those cats.  Now realistically this is a 2 way problem.  As Katt Williams said, "I suggest you stop fucking with Bitch ass niggas..."  so true so very true.  Whe the cat you are messing with is just so sensitive to every perceived insult and starts pouting at the drop of a dime you need to reasses what exactly it is you like about dude.  I mean honestly, if professional sisters are really that willing to take care of someone holla at your boy if you make enough money...  at least I can cook. ;o)  My point being that when it comes to "difficult" women, most of them will defer if you step up and prove worthy of the trust.  I mean hell most folks regardless of race or gender would love to be taken care of if they know things would work out.  The world is big and complex and cold and one less thing to think about is always a good thing.  But you can't sign that responsiblty off to someone who can't take it, and unfortunately for some of these dudes out here they need to know that if they want to big piece of chicken, and the big chair in the house, its because everyone knows that if need be you will find away to make the ends meet and if someone threatens the fam you will kill a wild boar with your bear hands.  That's the job brother.  Yeah being a man sucks, but what you gonna do?

exactly, Man Up...  or as I say "Check yo bitch"

Just a Little Algebra 11-27-06

 

The worse I have ever been cussed out by a woman was when I turned her down for sex.  She offered, I said no thanks, and I proceeded to get called all sorts of bitch asses and homos and whatever else you can think of.  I figured out that this caused a great offense because of a misconception that women have that in general men will sleep with any woman.  That basically men are always ready to go…  Well that is not true, in fact the answer to the question of who a man is willing to sleep with is solved by a simple mathematic equation.  Without further ado:

 

(What does the girl Look Like scale 1-10, 10 being finest) * (How Easy is it 10 being Easiest)/ ((Who could find out, 10 being everyone you care about)*(How likely they are to find out, 10 being certain to find out))(factored by the relationship that the man is currently in, 1 being single 5 being married)= sex quotient.

 

Yeah I know that is a little dense, so basically we will work it out with numbers.  On one in the of the spectrum you have a dime piece woman that is offering herself to you in a foreign country that no one you know has ever been or is planning on going and you are single.  That looks like this:

 

(10)*(10)/((1)*(1))1^st power=100.0

 

So basically the man is guaranteed to have sex with this woman.  On the other hand if the woman is ugly, and will require 2 years of expensive dates, and back flips and when you finally would get to have sex it would be announced in an email blast  on your job and to the promoter list of the parties you go to the most as well as a Youtube feed of the deed being sent to your wife.  That equation looks like this:

 

(1)*(1)/((10)*(10)) 5^th power= .0000000001

 

Basically there is no statistical chance that the man will have sex with this woman.  Of course the real world falls somewhere in the middle of all of this doesn't it?  And therein lies the problem. 

 

See everywoman that a man knows has a sex quotient, but just knowing a sex quotient isn't enough.  First of all because the number is not static.  The concept of who can find out and how likely depend on the circumstances involved and can change at any given moment.  Ie, while you are in school with someone there might be a high danger of important people finding out, while after you have graduated and if you live in different cities the issue becomes almost nonexistent.  Also the factors can change depending on how much of a relationship you are in…  Finally, while you can pretty much extrapolate on the extremes the issue is that you never know what sex quotient is the cut off for a particular brother to be driven into action.  Basically, a risk adverse or hyper private individual might have a sex quotient of 80, however a grimey cat or a stupid cat might go as low as the teens.  You can pretty feel this out approximately where the dude you knows line is though….

 

Also important is to understand that on some level all dudes do this equation but depending on the intelligence and information available to the dude the Quotient may not be specific.  Ie, human error always occurs, a man can overvalue a woman's looks, have a different valuation of the ease of access, or undervalue the potential to be caught which would throw the quotient off.  Also there is bad information, ie, if you don't know that your current girls best friend is the line sister of your side chick, your chance of getting caught is much higher than anticipated…

 

This information though is not just important to catch cheating dudes, but to give women perspective on single dudes.  You can't get mad at a dude because your sexual quotient wasn't high enough for him to venture forward.  It's not a diss to your womanhood or anything like that, its just mathematics…

Cheat Codes 11-13-06

The scariest thing about going around in the world is when you sit back and you realise exactly how much basic dysfunction most people have in their lives.  Not to say that I don't have any because I definitely have my issues, and for the most part I don't begrudge the right of anyone to have their little quirks.  I mean basically that is what makes you into an actual person, however, there are certain things that have come to be almost universally accepted as normal in life that makes me figure that I am destined to be on the outside looking in...

One thing that came out to me was being at the John Legend concert.  (Side note, that show taught me that there is no musician that I am actually a fan of.  Even R. Kelly, I just aint about to scream my head off cause some grown ass man is about to sign a song...  naah)  Basically at one point in the show John starts talking about his cheating songs, and how he had to cut down on that cause girls will get you back.  At this point the women started cheering, which reminded me about the number of women I will hear talking about if their man cheats on them they will cheat back.  WTF?  That is about the most irrational shit in the world.  Maybe its just me but if the person you are in a relationship with cheats on you and you find out, you have two choices, you can stay or you can go.  If you stay, that doesn't mean u have a free pass to cheat, if it did, what kind of relationship are you in anyway? 

It's like this radio show I was listening to, a woman called in and said that right before she got married, like the week before she bumped into her ex and slept with dude.  Now she was wondering if she should tell her man.  (Side note 2:  my answer to this question is hell no, keep that shit to yourself, but I digress)  Anyway people started calling in the radio station talking about how yeah they fall in bed with their ex every now and again even though they got a man, and they don't really see the big deal.  Word?  So basically, why are these people together?  I mean if cheating doesn't matter, and you fight all the time, why are you "together"?  I mean you can definitely get sex out of relationships so what's the deal?  Its dysfunction, but the problem is that its not just "them" it is the people that you are around everyday.

Finally on the cheating thing they were showing the Today show or something about cheating getting so out of control and the growth industry of detective agencies who will follow your significant other to see if they are cheating...  Ok, now this should be easy but just in case I will let you know.  If you are at the point that you feel the need to spend your hard earned money on having someone follow your man or your woman around to see if they are cheating, you relationship is already fucked...  It really doesn't matter what the detective finds.  I mean come on, once you are hiring help you don't trust the person, and well its prolly for a  reason, right or wrong, but if you have that little trust your relationship is already broken.  Nothing that a detective does or does not find is going to put trust in your set up.  And its the trust that is more important than the actual is he or isn't he.

But these are the little differences in expectations that make interactions problematic.  If you think something is normal that I think is absolutely insane we will never see eye to eye. 

A Conundrum 10/29/06

So i was reading my homegirl Kamilah's great blog about the BBs or the Bitter Bitches, and it reminded me about something that more and more I am beginning to believe is a truth.  The reality is that once you have reached a certain age, if you are single, with no prospects, damn near all of the people that know you know WHY you are single.  It may not necessarrily be that your personality sucks (though sometimes it is that) it can be something as benign as that you want to be, or you are too focused on something else, but generally most people that have two conversations with you being single with no prospects would not be surprised.  Now I am not sure what the cut off age is, but yeah most of us are past it, it is definitely somewhere in the mid 20s range, but anyway once you get to that point you sort of begin to wear your personality more and if you have a dysfunction it is usually front and center.

Of course your real friends love you and they honestly may not see it.  I have to believe this because I have known too many women that I honestly believe to be intelligent who have asked, "why is my girl _____ still single?" to which I usually reply "are you fucking kidding?" (at least in my head.)  Thing that is worse is that people who don't really know the person but have shorter interactions usually come to the same conclusions in a short period of time, which leads me to think that well it could still just be all of us that is tripping, but...  yeah maybe its you.

Of course on the other hand I was having a convo with a friend and we were discussing a mutual friend who I suppose tends to be a bit extra.  However, no one has told him that he is a bit extra, and he will get the occasional feedback based off of his resume, so pretty much what he may consider to be a decent batting average is in fact his despite of ranking.  It is particularly sad when you realise the people who would have given him a better shot with slight modifications.  Yet, no one has bothered to break this down to him.  Now I know there are poltical realities where there are certain truths you just don't want to be the one to tell your friends.  I mean its one thing to be honest enough to say that your outfit isn't cute, or you have put on a bit too much weight, its a whole other thing to say "yeah you know that personality trait that you think is cool, yeah...  you're the only one...  Everyone else things that sucks."  Just doesn't go over very well.  And basically strangers don't have the incentive to really make thie rlife difficult by exposing themselves to all sorts of name calling and the like for trying to help your self improvement.

Of course if both of these things are true, that basically means that everyone knows what's wrong with you, but no one will tell you...  Now talk about some shit that is depressing.  of course what is the solution...  while I am all for re-thinking mean, constructive criticism only works if the person can sort of see the love behind it, and therefore will listen and not get defensive, and honestly that is not the case most of the time now is it.  So basically, sad people go through life confused or left to dream about a future that is unfortunately in many cases within their power to achieve just they are at a shortage of self actualization and people that actually give enough of a damn to let them know...   The rest of us just kind of get into the pattern of watching the train wrecks occur... That my friends is what we call a conundrum...

Obama in 08 11-04-06

I know tis almost election day and I think you should vote...  Particularly for Giannoulias in illinois for Treasurer, but this just came up after reading a few responses to why Obama should not run in 2008.

That being said Obama should run in '08, if for no other reason than because politics is a game and you have to go when you have momentum.  If a democrat wins on 08 and Obama is not on the ticket he can't run in '12 because the democrat from his party is going for re-election.  In '16 the vice president would be the presumptive nominee which would leave a bruising primary that he may or may not win.  If he skipped that race and the Democrat lost in '16 then maybe he would be set for 2020.  Of course by that point he would have spent 16 years in the Senate, practically a deathwish for someone running for President (and part of the reason why all the talk about John McCain is nonsensical.)  Not to mention that no one remains a superstar for 16 years, at some point you have to choose a side.  Factually, Obama is a very smart man who can gain a grasp on the issues but he is not the best politician from any account.  He is fond of the quote "Politics ain't beanball" but does he have to stomach for the dirt and knives that come out as you go for the top.  Momentum and popularity can deflect a great deal of those things and have him only have to survive a couple of barrages instead sustained attacks, which means he's got to run...

Everyone talks about is Obama ready?  Black folks are funny in that way because we are protecting or young star.  But that is the mark of greatness, the reason people believe in Obama is that since 1968 America has been Searching for Bobby Kennedy.  Somebody young, energetic, with a mix of pragmatic optimism who would lead America to answer its call to greatness.  The country has been so thirsty for it they fell for the cheap reincarnations where the rhetoric did not match the reality because the presentation was good, but as they say, the truth sounds different, and to most Americans Obama seems the closest to Bobby.  His final challenge, and a necessity if he runs is to break free of the mold of the Washington insiders and embrace the big ideas and grand plan as it seems like he has in the Audacity of Hope.  Honestly, if you ever go back and listen to Bobby Kennedy talk then tell me when was the last time you have heard anyone speak like that where you believed them?  Where their actions backed it up...  and even more when you weren't afraid that the world would destroy them.

That is the legacy of the 60s in my opinion.  America lost its innocence and lost its way.  The deaths of JFK, MLK, Bobby Kennedy, and Malcolm X showed that it was not enough to be strong and powerful and stand up to the system.  That you could be destroyed, you could be silenced, and since then there has been a gap in greatness.  After that point and the fiascos of Vietnam and Watergate the best and the brightest turned their energies to making money which led to the corporate cultures and excesses that took over the 80s and 90s, and have led to the moral vacuum that is public life in the 21st century.  There is hardly shock anymore when candidates are caught on youtube being the assholes that they are and the general lack of believablity is choking the democracy.  It is strictly amazing how many people truly believe that the Republicans will keep control of Congress on Tuesday because the voting machines are fixed, yet we take it because no one really believes that one party is better than the other.

But then there is Obama.  The power is that correct or not people who generally hate politicians BELIEVE IN HIM...  The cynics are working overtime to prove that he is shady, and just like the rest with a slightly better rap, and it all may be true, but right now the people believe, and America needs that...  Even in 2008... 

Plus he can win...  The country is so polarized that states like New York, Illinois, California, Massachuttes, and Pennsylvania are definitely going Blue.  In the current climate he has a stronger possiblity in Ohio and with Bush leaving Florida this year the fix is not in like it once was.  Finally in Michigan, Virginia, Nevada, even Iowa are possiblities particularly given that Obama isn't Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton Black.  If he pulls Mark Warner as VP it is VERY doable.  Harold Ford has shown how much headway you can make with a well run campaign so don't count it out...

 Run Obama Run

It's All a Matter of Your Perspective 11/4/06

You ever notice how things look different depending on your perspective?  Like how some shit is cool when you know a person and it is an outgrowth of their personality, and the same shit if you don't know them may seem weird.  Its like my blog, people get different shit from it depending on if they actually know me, and how well they know me and etc...  Along those lines I would like to plea to people that no matter how much some fucking relationship or self help guru tries to tell you that it is best to be yourself and comfortable up front, DON'TCHUBUHLEEVE IT!!!!  That shit just really ain't true.  Case in point, I was reading my homegirls blog and she was talking about dancing with this dude in the club and Danity Kane "Showstoppers" came on.  Dude got charged like "That is my song" and singing along with the "oh oh ohs."  Now um, yeah, considering how much of the downlow and shit is going on in this world one has to take advantage of context clues in making decisions.  Now nothing is wrong with liking Danity Kane, hell I like the song, but um, if I am trying to talk to a girl I sort of prefer to stay mainstream so she can KNOW in her head I am straight before I start sending mixed signals. 

Not saying you have to let her come in your car and you are blasting that new Kill a Nigga Twice: The Mixtape.  But you must be aware.  Don't believe me?  aiight.  Ladies, if you meet a dude y'all talk and he offers you a ride or you are there when he drives off or he picks you up on a blind date and he's got an Anita Baker cd playing, are you really comfortable?  Yeah I thought not.  I mean honestly I know dudes may be trying to set the mood, but I can understand concern to the dude just randomly rolling to some sweet shit, and I do it.  Same deal, or worse, if its like when I was waiting in line at the house of Blues and saw a truck filled with SIX (6) dudes blasting ole Johnny Falsetto.  The cats saw folks looking at them in disbelief and went around the corner and came back Blasting that Wu-Tang...  we was like "too late."  You gotta keep it underwraps... 

I can't even get into what is and is not permissible because honestly its in the eye of the beholder.  I mean I will say that R. Kelly, no matter the song, will get more of a pass with Chicago folks, and that a dude rolling around to Brittney Spears is NEVER ok.  The rest of music falls somewhere in the middle.  My advice, use your damn radio.

This is the same shit I talk about with drinks.  The rules aren't hard and fast and permanent, but first impressions are a mutha.  You really can't be mad cause a girl wouldn't talk to you because you were drinking a Pina Colada in the club.  I mean I am sure there was a reason, and if you are with your girl/ wife, its all good, but other wise you really need to save the frozen drinks and Midori sours for another occasion.  If they put a pineapple chunk in your drink...  I would say no...  but once again it depends on the audience but just know what you are putting out there.

Same shit with girls...  the thing that girls got to keep underwraps are the strange ass habits.  Like its understood that everyone has strange habits, I mean we all have quirks.  But the same way that women are scared of men on the downlow, dudes are scared of women that are REALLY crazy.  See the general rule for all of this is that whatever you do when you first meet someone the expectation is that it is going to get worse.  So if you are talking to yourself on the first date, dude figures the house is going to get burnt down.  That same dude that thinks your habit of chewing napkins is cute now would have been freaked out on the first date.  That dude who understands that sometimes you laugh randomly about a joke you heard a week ago would have thought you were bordering on having a disorder if you didn't hold that shit underwraps.  The fact that all things being equal you would prefer to never drink from a yellow straw is fine with your friends, but if you can't hold that shit underwraps with new people you must accept the fact that people will believe that you are fucking nuts.  It's really all perspective though. (*Because I love my friends I am not using anyone's real quirks so if this really is your issue I apologize, I was just trying to make a point...  don't kill me psycho, oops I mean sweetie :o)

People Watching 10/23/06

Gotta love People watching...  Just wander through downtown or anywhere for that matter and you'd be amazed with what you see.  Recent observations:

In the year of our Lord 2006, why does anyone really think that it is ok to wear a scary curl, or a Malcolm X conk?  I mean really.  You have to do active shit to get your hair like that, did you not realise that shit went out of style or what?  One day I am just going to ask someone rocking it.

What is the deal with like poor 80 year old Black men wearing G-Unit Jeans and sweatshirts?  You know somewhere their neglectful ass gradnchildren or great grandchildren were like "fuck it, these are on sale at Marshalls. Gramps will be keeping it real."  Not realizing that you grandfather was still going to pull those ultra baggy pants up to his belly button and get them hemmed and pressed, and that there was no way he was going to look sensible with 50 cent on his chest...

Gotta love the middle aged white guys in their casual outfit of a bomber jacket, too tight jeans, and their receding hairline.  It would be funnier if it weren't so sad.

Why in the hell are there so many pairs of ugly ass shoes in the world?  I understand that everything doesn't have to be expensive and designer, but why so much ugly shit.  Of course ugly expensive shit is worse than ugly cheap shit, cause at least you have the excuse of being frugal instead of just tacky.

nothing brightens up a downtown day of seeing men and women run around in dark gray or blue, conservative suits like seeing an honest to goodness pimp in a 3 piece white and silver suit with now and later gaters on... Clean than a muh...  hat cocked, bejeweled walking stick, and versace shades... standing there with no sense of irony...  But brother, you can't be getting on the Bus...  I mean really?  are times that hard?

You also got to love the people that are a bit too fashion forward like they don't realize that we are in Chicago.  I love this city but its still the midwest, we need to tone down some of the extra euro influences, you just look weird if you seem to be dressed right out of vogue.  Not to mention that its a work day...  work clothes just seem more sensible.

I know this is wrong but am I the only one who has a hard time figuring out why a healthy 24 year old white kid is on the street homeless and begging?

What I really love is looking out the window on days like today where if you are inside you would have no idea what the temperature is because there will be someone bundled up in a winter coat, with hat, scarf, mittens, the whole nine (usually a black woman) standing right next to someone in a slacks and a dresshirt sleeves rolled up talking on the telephone (usually a white man).

Seeing a grown ass man still wearing an 8ball jacket is why I don't believe in spending a ton of money for trendy logofied shit...  I mean when your shit goes out of style, EVERYONE knows it, but maybe you can't afford to replace it just right now, or hell, do you really want to have wasted all that loot on one winter?  Just say no...

It's great walking about ten feet behind a fine woman on the street and watching all of the subtle and not so subtle ways the massive numbers of men try to turn around and check out that ass.  What's best is that it goes well beyond all rules of race, class, or creed.  All men just love the booty, apparently.

Just Relations or Relationships 10/22/06

Ok, so the fact is that a lot of the ignorant shit I write sort of depends on what type of relationship you are in.  Obviously standards are different in a marriage than when you first start dating.  I mean hell if you and your man want to sit around and drink frozen Midori Sours, that is all good.  (I would hope the man wouldn't do that shit in public unless you were already married but hey...)Fact is that no matter what rules or ideas anyone has, if they like the person they will do whatever they damn well please and put up with whatever as long as its worth it to them...

The problem of course comes in when people start taking all sorts of relationship liberties, when they are not in a serious relationship, because no matter how much you hang out or whatever you do if the person is just not that into you there are no wins for certain cocky behavior.  I will tell you for real, there is a thin line between really cute and really corny or annoying, and it all depends on how much you are in to that other person.  I really don't want you to be that person that gets snapped on as a habitual line stepper because you were assuming it was deeper than it was, up here eating up some womans food that is just putting up with you.  Or to be that person calling folks pet names in public when his friends know you as my Bust down...   It's like the saddest thing I ever see on MySpace when someone has In a Relationship on their profile, and a couple shot up top, yet the other party has single on there page and not a pic of the other person in sight.  Is the second party bogus, or is the first party presumptous?  That is the question... Yeah I know sometimes things can be confusing and you don't always know but there are clues as to whether you are in a real relationship or not.

1.  How do the friends treat you?  I think it goes without saying that if you never met the other persons friends that you are obviously not their girl.  However, if you know the cats its a question of how they treat you.  Like in most circumstances if dude has really told her boys that he is on you like that they sort of give you a little space and are just real polite because they know that almost no matter what you say or do they are going to give you a pass unless its enough to cut off ties with their boy.  I mean they will be friendly and nice, but in general they will keep things a lot more PG or vanilla then they do with normal girls because you are in a protected class.  No offense but its not cause you are that cool, or anything else, and particularly for some girls, don't think that your little asshole personality tendecies are cute because your man's friends don't cuss you out.  Hell if the dude is really serious about you his friends take bullshit off of your friends as well, but that also doesn't mean that these dudes just are impressed with your asshole tendencies.  They prolly just talk shit behind your (and your mans) back.  If y'all break up, all bets or off, and if you were enough of a jerk some cats will be looking for a chance to snap on you in public.  Yeah its childish...  I accept that.

2.  If your interaction only ends with sex, and usually after 2am.  Despite what I ahve said about dudes lying to themselves if they sleep with a woman too many times and cuddle and all the rest about being in a relationship.  The fact is that it is a dysfunctional relationship, but they are not that in to you.  If you don't have phone conversations that end with something other than when that night you or they are coming over.  You don't IM, or email, or shit, and you never hang out, don't confuse sex for a relationship.  It's funny because these are the girls who will always get the bright idea one night when they are getting the 2am call during their time of the month to just show up expecting to sit on your couch and watch a movie and cuddle for the night...  When exactly have we ever done that?  If we have never hung out that is quite the ridiculous assumption.

3.  For dudes, the fact that you are spending money on her with reckless abandon does not make you her man.  No matter what you did.  My homegirl told me about a dude who got pissed becvause he figured that since they did saturday errands together, after they had gone to a couple of dinners they were in a relationship.  You just can't be assume shit like that, particularly based off of those facts.  I mean if the woman wants a steak she may very well take one.  Hell, girls have an amazing ability to believe that guys randomly just like to take them out with no ulterior motives (note: that shit is not true).  But you have to check the clues, if you are always introduced as my friend or my homey, or my guy, don't be surprised if you one day you think you are on a date and she gives her number to some dude that approaches her (which is a little bogus) or you see her out on an actual date...  You really have no position to snap homey...

Point is you really are never going to just strong arm someone into being into you, even if there are nice for a while or have let their guilt overcome them you really need to be easy until there has been some clear vocalization of the fact that both sides are all in.  If someone wants to lie about that one, hey all insanty is justified...

Just One of Those Things That Came To My Attention 10-15-06

Just so you can understand it unless you didn't understand it before.  There is absolutely positively no way to be cool when you are in love.  Suck it up, that is the facts, but for dudes, you got to just be man enough to love your woman.

See the fact is that in the Black community especially being cool is fairly equated with being hard.  In general there is a basic level of mysogyny that exists, not just in rap music but that is generally a part of being cool.  It's all about I don't love these hoes, or I am not really affected, or I am on my own shit.  However, that just ain't that in love shit. 

It's always funny when I am out with dudes and somebody can't hang out with the guys because he has to go hang out with his girl.  But notice how that is put, he HAS to hang with his girl.  When in fact is he WANTS to hang with his girl.  He prefers to hang with his girl over y'all sweating ass negroes, but he ain't gonna say it.  Nope, he gotta act like he is on punishment.  But that's fine, all dudes have been there we play along. 

Of course what's worse is when the girl ahs completely changed the dude and he has been forced into these public displays and he tries to act like he can make being with his girl cool in the old fashion way.  Case in point, Jay-Z and Nas.  both of these two are out here trying to act like they are still the same hard street cats that they once were and that some kind of way they are pimps being in songs with their women.  Of course the issue is no matter how much you want to play it off and she talks about being freaky with you, if that is your wife, you're not actually pimping her now are you?  But that's cool, just accept the fact that you are a bit soft.  Nas is actually the one that brings this out of me with Kelis's new "Blindfold" video.  He is so trying to act like he is still cool and hard with his new album coming out, though he knows his woman ain't the type to take all that bullshit.  The only way to make it better is to just man up and admit you like your girl.  It's cool, we all got to grow up sometime.  But you will never be cool in the same way.  Accept it and move on.

As for ladies, two things, number one, have baby steps with your dude because its hard.  He may actually love you and be down, but its real hard for a man to let go of being cool around his boy, give him a little leeway as long as he generally is acting right.  It takes some time to realize that you ahve given up one part of being cool in life.  The other reason is that there really is no way for a woman to be cool in love neither.  Society is cool with a woman trying to whip her man into shape, or whatever, but see how mch your friends like you when you are dissing them to sit up under some dude, or how much they like you waxing on about how much you love that negro's dirty draws...  That's right, nobody want to hear that.  It's like that song "Chante's got a man" nobody really wanted to hear that shit...  when it aint you, you don't want to hear that shit, even though you may be happy if it is one of your friends that is super happy, so that is more reason to take it easy on your man when he has trouble adjusting. 

Foreplay or Forplay 10/22/06

So I just ended up in a conversation about foreplay...  Like foreplay is an idea of something that can just end.  It really did illuminate certain things.  First of all, when it comes to certain shit, girls need to just acknowledge they are on some bullshit.  certain things don't make sense.  I will say this, its called foreplay...  that means its before something.  Not the thing itself.  I was shocked because I sat in a room full of girls who seemed amazed that I believed that the main point of kissing is to lead to sex...

So in that vein I feel the need to explain once and for all, that yes in most cases, dudes would like to have sex.  There is not a lot of interest from a grown ass man of making out with you for the sake of making out with you.  I mean he may not pout, or whine, or whatever, but no grown ass man is happy just making out.  Hell that is blueballs like a mutha, and them shits hurt.  I mean seriously, what is the point?  It's like stretching for the sake of stretching...  somewhere there should be some real sport being played if you are exercising.  It is a warm up for goodness sakes. 

Think about it this way, how does any make out session end?  you don't spend two hours kissing on somebody and then be like "whew, ok that was enough, I am satisfied, I will leave now."  Hell to the naw, I know every one of those night I have ever had ended like "ok, you better get out of here before I do too much." and me trying to find some cold shower that night...  It's not a good look, that is why men figured that they needed to have cut offs so they didn't have those 4am nights.

Problem is that girls like the attention, sometimes they just want to make out, sometimes they just want a warm body around but they don't want to do too much.  and how do they justify the not being upfront about what they are on?  by saying shit like "dude won't make out with me if he knows there is no sex at the end."  Is that really a reason to hide shit?  cause you won't get what you want?  wow...  that is real deep.  I men my thing is this, just be up front, if no sex is jumping off, say that, let the dude make his own decision.  Yeah he may think he can change your mind but fuck it, that is not your problem.  You were upfront about it.  Not like this will really change shit, but damn...  just let it be said that you are on notice that your dude ain't happy.  He make take it, and I can sort of respect it if you figure you will let a dude suffer in silence until he mans up about what he wants, but at least don't feed me the bullshit like you thought you were doing right.

It's dangerous to play with the game of expectations.  This is honestly one spot where I think men and women are just completely different.  I have never met a guy that agreed with foreplay for the sake of foreplay.  I mean you can like it, there can be tons you like about it, you can spend a lot of time on it, but the point of it all is to end in sex for the dude, that is that.  We have learned that since we are just not in control of how it works that we have to accept whatever speed the woman is moving at but that does not mean that he has accepted his plight as sensible.  It just means he has to protect himself from wasting too much time or getting frustrated to the point that he really messes himself up later... 

Just to Clear Things Up a Bit 10/15/06

I was talking with my homegirl, and she was telling her girl that I was real anti relationship.  I have heard that quite  a few times so I just wanted to clarify.  I am not anti relationship.  I am anti STUPID relationships.  See there is a difference, its like too many relationships that people are going back and forth about and being all dramatical about are just inherrently flawed but I am supposed to act like I don't see it?  that's bullshit.  A few examples of stupid relationships:

1.  The fall back.  The fall back relationship is that dude or girl you were just wasting time with and then someone you really liked turned you down, so you convinced yourself that this fool that you never really cared about it really love instead of just a soft place to crash.  Yeah I hate that shit.  Especially since if your friend is with a fall back, you prolly got to hear them talk all sorts of shit about the person at first and then they want you to believe they are in love.  riiiiiiiiiight.

2. The psycho.  The psycho is the relationship were you know the person is crazy.  I don't mean red flags, I mean they like flipped out and tried to stab you in the restaurant on the second date crazy.  Yet for whatever reason you keep going out with them and next thing you know you are in a relationship.  Then your friend is sitting up here trying to big up all the good things that their partner does like you are supposed to ignore the fact that you can't call them without blocking your number  or that they have to febreeze their coat if they eat some popcorn cause they get their clothes sniffed on the daily.

3.  The slide in.  The slide in is that relationship that progresses because nothing has gone wrong.  Sometimes only one person likes the other sometimes its neither, but basically they have gone out a few times, the thrill is gone but everyone is comfortable.  So after a few months they are in a relationship and after a few years they start thinking they need to get engaged, just because ain't shit really wrong, even though ain't shit really right.  When people slide into an engagement, once again folks be expecting you to be happy.

4.  The fraud.  Now this is my personal pet peeve.  If you cheat on your damn girlfriend with reckless and wild abandon please do not expect me to respect you damn relationship.  I mean you don't respect it, how can I?  I mean hell do what you do, no judgment, particularly if I don't know the other person like that, but don't expect me to sit around and listen to you brood about how deep your love is when I know you have had so much side action.  just keep that shit. 

I mean there are other fake ass relationships but those are the ones I see the most that just be fezzin a brotha up.  But if your shit is real I am all for it.  I am so pro black love.  Hell my parents have been married 35 years after only dating 6 weeks so I believe that shit is possible, yet as a divorce lawyer I stay seeing the dumb shit people do.  Of course, its no judgment, if you like it I love it, but when you on dumb shit I got my limits, just don't be asking me to be making toasts at your wedding and all that.  :o)