The Economics of the Game 10-11-06

Those of y'all that are in these streets know that the game is dirty...  there is no way around it.  Its grimey but its a necessarry evil to those that kick it like that.  The problem is that most people you meet aren't really dedicated to the game and doing what they gotta do to kick it for the good of all people so the rules of the game need to be broken down a touch.

Rule #1.  Give back to the game.  The game is like Karma, every night out is not going to be classic, its not going to be a Jigga video, however sometimes you have to give your all to the game so that good times still exist.  See some people just want to take from the game, and that sucks.  Plus it leads to diminishing returns for all involved.  For example, there might be a day that you don't want to go out, but you sort of need to, and if you go out you can't half ass it.  If you are cute, you gotta get cute, if you spend money you gotta spend money, etc. etc.  See if people always waited for guaranteed hot nights to go out, there would never be hot nights, but by you showing up and giving your all, you motivate others to show up the next time and soon enough there is a classic night on the horizon.  Some people did it for you when you had the great night, so you have to give back to the game.

Rule #2 Eliminate Free Riders.  See free riders are like those crew hangers on that try to never take the Ls or give back to the game but want to live off your shine on good nights.  Fact is that while I may get into some clubs for free, its because I am out like 5 days a week and have met all the promoters by repeated taking serious dents out of their bar minimums.  do I really need random cats then trying to roll in the spot with me, or always missing their day to cover the tab?  Hell to the Naw...  They need to give back to the game. 

Rule #3.  Invest wisely.  Sometimes when you are out cats will buy 4 drinks for 4 different people.  They leave the night a lot broker, but having made no advancements on their holler.  That does not make sense, one has to consider where they spend their money.  There are all types of logistical considerations which for prudences sake I wont get into right now, that one must think about before they just start throwing money down a hole.  Consider your investment so that you are not just blindingly supporting the game and not getting anything in return.  Think about it, even your mutual fund allows you to choose some direction into which types of investments you wish to make.

Rule #4 Never underestimate the need to educate the market.  This basically means be up front about what you are offering to maximize your return.  In the club everyone looks the same on some certain level.  and all people sort of assume that every unknown is equvalent to the lowest common denominator.  So basically, every dude is greasy and has greasy motives, and every girl is a bust down. That is why there must be some sense of parameter setting in the inital meetings lest all other actions are judged through a lens that is not flattering to the rest of your approach.

Rule #5 Its a marathon not a race.  I promise that unless you are from out of town, every single MF that you meet in the club you will see again without trying.  You don't need to try and lock everything down right now.  I can only think of about 1 person that I have ever met in these streets that I have not randomly seen later and know how to find if I want to, its aiight.

Rule #6 Run a cost benefit analysis.  In other words, impluse purchases are not a good look.  Basically, everything you do in the game has consequences.  Every action adds to your reputation.  Do your damn research.  Everybody you meet, knows someone you know, or at least you both know someone that knows the same person, therefore learn the consequences before you jump too far out the gate.  If you are not carefully you will find yourself barred from certain spots.  Also, you gotta ask yourself what you are getting out of each transaction.  At a certain point there has to be diminished returns, is the feedback worth the time and money expended?  Is the bit of fun worth the stress of attracting a psycho?  Have an answer before you move forward.

Rule #7 Don't take it personal.  Everybody is on their hustle.  you don't really know someone until you talk to them a few times out of the environment of the game (ie the club) however its like being in the wilderness, one may not be on their best behavior when they are trying to survive in this hostile habitat, but their actual personality may be different.  Remember that all wild animals are dangerous, but some of them actually can be domesticated, they just must be removed from the particular environment.

Rule #8, recognize some level of decorum.  you cant have multiple crew members hollerin at the same person.  The toe stepping is not a good look.  The specific rules can always be negotiated, but internal conflict shows weakness and is often exploited so keep your shit tight as to the faultlines in your crew.  Remember that anyone you meet will assume that your "crew" consists of the people you were with when they met you.  Disrespecting those folks, even if they were basically strangers makes you look quite grimey.

Rule #9 Know when to make cuts.  Some people just dont belong in your crew, its cool, it happens, it does not disrespect the value of any one person but it is mostly a question of chemistry.  No sports team could always just sign the best player, no, champions have built a team that completements each other.  To win the in the game you must do the same.  Its really that simple.

By taking into account the science of the game you can plan to maximize stories and fun and minimize some of the stress of the game.  Unfortunately it is not a perfect equations since cats are real good for coming up with new things that need to be covered in a rule, but as with everything, all laws are subject to review, and revision.

Ghosts of Mississippi 10-05-06

Lost in the news of the Mark Foley page scandal were the ugly revelations about Virginia Senator George Allen and his questionable past on the topics of race relations.  The discussions and the punditry on the subject matter release a very ugly fact that man of us may know but it manages to float below the surface.  Racism is quite alive and well.  We know that racism is quite alive and well because no one will talk about it, it can not be intellectualized or legitimized with research...  Why?  Because if we were to objectively look at racism and its effect we would see quantitatively how prevelent it remains in society.

As a backdrop George Allen is the son of famed football coach George Allen.  He is not a southerner but he was always entranced with southern culture.  Long live the confederacy and all of that.  He found his way into politics in Virginia and eventually became Governor, than Senator and was mentioned as a front runner for the Republican nomination for the Presidency, mostly because he was affable in the system and had good Southern roots or connections. 

Then came macaca.  He called an indian boy who was video taping one of his speeches for his competitor Jim Webb 'macaca.' not really good but that is an obscure racial slur.  Wouldn't be a major problem, except he had three stories about where he got the term from.  1. "I was just saying mohawk." 2. I was saying caca (which really isn't better.) or 3. I just made up something funny sounding.  That might have been fine and good if not for youtube to prove what he said, and the fact that his mother is from the area of north africa where the phrases originated and is in heavy use.  Hmm...  quite the coincidence, huh?  It gets worse though, because as it goes on the stories come out about Goerge Allen the racist.  To which he offers heart felt denials and minimizations left and right.  Particularly to the charge that he used to frequently use the "N word" (gasp).  Now I don't know about anyone else, but I think it is fairly ridiculous that someone could be known as such a fan of the confederacy wearing the stars and bars and all of that and have anyone expect us to believe that this would be the same person who never used the word Nigger?  I mean EVER...  Some lies aren't worth telling, but they are in this society because we want to believe them, we need to believe them, because slavery, and in certain ways to ma much greater extent Jim Crow, provide our country with an inexplicable taint on our so called principles and moral standing.

Which leads me to the main point of all of this, which is the belief that has been accepted through both parties that Southerns must be catered to to win elections.  Southerns, yes the people who seceeded, are considered the most patriotic Americans.  Despite the history of racism and that less than 50 years ago, the federal government had to make the governor of one of these states let a Black person go to college.  Despite the fact that after the Civil War which you could argue had some ideological basis outside of race, the Southern democratic establishment left the party of the civil rights act, and the concept of giving Black people rights.  Despite the factthese same dixiecrats were still in existence as late as 1980 because Ronald Reagan made a direct plea towards them when he lauched his campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi, the place where the three civil rights volunteers were slain.  and Despite the fact that the South has been able to remain republican largely because the states have used the felony code to permenantly disenfrachise major percentages of the Black population by making them permanently lose their right to vote.  Something below the Mason Dixon line ain't right.  How did we get to the point where we are supposed to not only recognize what the people believe in the Bible belt but respect it as correct.  Even though they did not grow up with any diversity or respect for differences, whether it is race, gender, suxual orientation or religion.  Forget what you heard, somethings are plain right, and some things are plain wrong, and a lot of times, the majority, particularly the rural majority when it comes to social issues are wrong.  At least if you are going to continue to say that as a principle you believe in freedom.

But you can't say these things in America.  Bush can leave Black people stranded on buildings and dying in the Superdome but it is unfair to say that he does not care about Black People.  Conservatives like Dinesh D'Souza, can make all sorts of snide comments about Black people being the cause of all of their issues, and being the blame for whats worng in America, but its wrong to call them racists.  In fact, in order to be white and racist you need to wear a white hood, or a Swastika since the confederate flag isn't enough, because if we only recognize the extreme charactures of the problem we won't have to Deal with the problem.

These are the ghosts that follow every black person who is trying to make it in this society.  At some level consciously or subconsciously we have to deal with the fact of trying to survive and achieve in America that through their ever action whether from government to pop culture expresses their contempt for us while not giving up, nor giving quarter.  We have to grin and bear it, when co-workers ask to touch our hair or make comments about our names, or how we are not like "those others" and then we are told we should be greatful because we are not being hung from a tree.  That, they say, is progress.  It's the story of the Dutchman by Leroi Jones, every black american on some level is willfully insane just to make it, and America's worse fear is that we wake up...  Me Personally, I'm still hitting the snooze button.

Single Life 9-24-06

So every now and again there will be a wave of girls I know who are so upset when they find out that some dude they were talking to or went out with supposedly has a "girl."  Its bad because they are generally really upset and you can never find out what they mean when they say he has a girl, meaning, did he cut you off saying that he has a girl, or did you just happen to find out that there is some chick out their claiming him.  It sounds like a small difference but that is a major difference between men and women.  Women care that there may be another woman out there in reality that might have a relationship with you, men base life strictly on what you tell us, if you don't tell me you have a man, then you don't...  Its that simple.

What it comes down to is the question of what single means.  People say single or committed, or whatever but honestly single has degrees.  My personal opinion is that you are supposed to be 100% committed if you are married (not engaged, not dating for a long time, but married) but that there is no such thing as 100% single.  I know, people always want to claim that they are indeed 100% single, but honestly, most grown, decent looking people have someone that they speak to that on some level is prolly trying to get up.  Y'all may not quite be dating, they may just be your ego boost who takes you to the movies when your self esteem is low, they may be that ex that you never quite let all the way out of your life but there is always someone around who would be a little bruised if you popped up engaged tomorrow.

So what's the spectrum?  well its never an exact science but I feel like there are some discernible categories:

1.  Crutches/ booty calls- These are not the same things just kind of two sides to the same coin.  Crutches are basically just good friends of the opposite gender that you sort of use to make it through the times when you don't feel like being in a relationship.  You can't touch your crutches, and honestly they work best in conjunction with having a separate booty call, that way on one side you get the emotional connection and support without the confusion that comes with the physical on one side, and you get the sex with out forging too emotitonal connection on the other side, and if you play your cards right neither side is invested enough to give you that relationship stress.  It's a tight rope but damn its worth it sometimes.

2.  Talking- See for me talking to someone means you have like their number or email but you don't really go out, you just kind of keep in touch.  You see them around enough and their may be flirting or whatever but its a fairly informal relationship.  A Party looking at it from the outside would actually assume that you two were closer than you actually are because what she does not realise is that the only time you see each other is somewhat on accident, but its cool you kind of fall into your rolls.  Important rule about talking is that YOUR ASS CAN NOT GET JEALOUS...  That may be your flirt buddy but really ain't shit going on, you can be mad if he/ she decided they are trying to close a deal tonight.

3. Dating.  Dating is where life gets complicated.  See you obviously know each other and you go out, and y'all may talk or whatever, but this is were people start assuming that folks are in relationships.  Just cause you may see me out to dinner with someone does not mean that she is my woman and I was hiding her from you, and just because we went out does not mean you are the only one.  It's bad because three good dates in if someone is really into it they assume the other person is there...  but at this point I figure you are still quite single.  Usually, the way I figure it is that if you are dating someone they are telling you that you have the possibility to beat out any person that is currently in whatever capacity of my love life. 

4.  Relationship.  is really the step I have never had the firmest grasp on, I mean at some point you are supposed to be enough into a person that you don't want to see anyone else but not enough to say you want to get married?  Logically I have never gotten it.  I have always figured that a relationship was like giving someone the number one spot with an asterisk.  Asterisk meaning that we preserve the right to revisit these rankings at a later date depending on the change in circumstances.  It is for that reason that I generally don't let the relationship thing faze me but too much because I figure that people are going to do what they are going to do.  I really don't expect someone to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend because they met someone that they think they may like, obviously before you go too far with someone new you need to clean out your closet, but when you are trying to figure it out, do what you gotta do just keep it on the low.  This does not mean slutting around but it does refer to actually dating, because after all if a relationship was the same as being married why are they different?

5. Engaged...  Well it ain't married.  At this point you can't really date around the only difference is that you can leave without mixing finances and getting the law involved...  Kind of like the warning track in baseball.  After that you are married.

Notice at each level from 2-5, sex can fundamentally change the parameters of the relationship.  Sex does tend to give people expectations particularly if it is combined with any sort of outside relationship.  However, whenever sex is involved you need to negotiate that addendum as to how that changes things.  For instance some people think that sex means a step up to the next level, like, "well, we were just talking, but now that we have had sex we are dating." or "we were dating but now that we have had sex we are in a relationship." umm, not so much, but I will relent and say that it is reasonable to ask that even if your partner may date someone else that the multiple sex partners thing isn't cool with you.  But don't assume it is all.  I've said it a million times and I will likely say it a million more, its all about the contract you negotiate.  Market forces set the parameters of where the meeting of the minds should be, but they can not stop you from making a bad deal outside of duress or fraud in the factum...

Can We Give Peace a Chance? 9-19-06

 Ok, so recently I have been doing a lot of criminal law to go with my divorces and child custody, The one thing I have learned is that most people fucked up relationships end them up in court.  If they are lucky its civil court and that baby momma drama, if not its criminal court with everything from domestic battery to Murder...  yup you heard me right, Murder.  All these cases have the same basic facts, the only difference is how each party reacted to things going a bit too far.

What do these relationships have in common?  they confused passion for love.  I don't mean strictly sex passion, I just mean the thing that will get you all emotional enough to act a good damn fool.  Yeah the make up sex may be hot, but your relationship is dysfunctional if passersby who hear your arguments feel compelled to call the police.  If you find yourself at Target 5 times a year buying new dishes cause y'all smash them all the time, your relationship is bogus.  I am not saying you should never fight, I understand that people have arguments.  I understand further that if you will never fight with someone you aren't that invested, but just be aware that there has to be a line.

Basically its sad because I see so many couples, particularly in child support and custody cases that NEVER got a long.  Just now, I am stuck as a mediator trying to get them to stop fucking with each other long enough to try to keep the poor child out of therapy on the good end and prison on the bad end.  Yet no matter what, I meet so many people that act like having knock down drag out fights filled with cusswords and hurtful statements make sense.  I mean its all in songs, and in tv and movies about relationships, and having make up sex when your mad, and fighting and cussing and blah, blah blah.  I mean honestly, I try my best not to go there, I have had a few people that honestly made me want to try to be as hurtful as possible, or get so hot I was close to flipping out, and that is when I stopped talking to those people.  It's not that I thought I didn't care, but I knew we were not compatible, because the highs just aren't high enough for me to have to be that evil or nervous getting my buttons pushed all the time.  People act like that means I am anti relationship, I guess I just spend too much time seeing how badly this shit can end up.  That's why I am not a fan of folks talking seriously about how their man or woman is crazy, or getting their little stalk on, and the whole nine, cause people these days just aint right...  maybe I am wrong but I say try to find someone you want to be with that you don't want to kill, it does not have to be boring if you actually have some shit in common.  In may take time, but its worth it I think...  either way, be safe people...

You Can Find Me in the Club 9-23-06

The club is like a drug, meaning that you get dimishing returns each time you go back, but you still go back, cause hell what else are you going to do.  Though honestly I am more a happy hour person (more drinks, less people grinding) and definitely a no cover charge guy, (I mean damn, $20 for the right to spend $150 on drinks?  I think not) however when you go to the club a little bit, and I will admit I have been out a few times, you get to see some of the normal rotations.  As followed:

1.  There is a major difference between the weekend club and the weeday club.  I usually hate the weekend club, too many people that don't normally go out are in them streets just getting in the way of the comfortable grind of us 24/7 drunks.  However, what are you really going do? 

2.  The club has a rotation of the same people. 

a. There are the old guys.  These dudes are always just a little too old to be in the house still dressing like they are 25 and trying to get on 24 year old girls.  Worse part about it is that while they are old as hell they are still poor and wack, yet they are in the club usually in a crew because they don't know any of the normal club goers because their normal crew left the house about 10 years previous.

b. Promoters row, the cats that throw all the other parties that collect the same crowd are usually in the house with the people throwing the current party.  They all know each other and are all polite though they usually end up throwing events against each other.

c.  Massive girl crews...  Some kind of way girls are real good at rolling to the club between 5-8 deep.  I don't even know how all them chicks got in a car together but they be making it happen.  Usually they walk in a spot and dance in a circle, to 'Bossy.'

d.  The bottle poppers, the cats that get into Vip, or get the table and just sit around with their bottles of whatever, just chillin, not really kicking it but flossing baby, flossing.

e.  The dudes in the suspect shirts.  There are always a few dudes in mesh shirts or sometype of see through shirt, that just sort of make you wonder which side they are trying to attract right now.

f.  The big girls flashin too much skin, on purpose and not on purpose.  Now I don't have any hate for the thick sisters, but sometimes we need a mirror check before we leave the crib.  I mean the super cleavage I can deal with for the team, more power to y'all, but when the belly is coming out the bottom of the shirt between the skirt, well lets just say its not sexy...

g.  The vulture rapists.  These are the dudes sitting in the corner of the club keeping the hard eye out for the drunk women, so that near the end they can find the drunkest woman who has separated from her friends and swoop in

3.  The damn DJs playing basically the same mix they have been playing since 1998, with a couple of new songs added in, but whatever the new songs are get rotated while the old standards never change...  like ever...I think it was just last month that I finally went to a party without them playing the fat man scoop love like this for the first time in roughly 9 years... 

4.  Inconsistent drinks, depending on your bartender two drinks get you drunk, or two drinks barely get you buzzed.  Half of them bartenders are shitty in black clubs (understandably since most of them don't get tipped worth shit) but damn if the club is jumping it takes like 45 minutes to get a drink...  that is just not sensible.  It's a two way street, I will tip a bartender well, but damn it if I come back to the bar find me, don't make me wait behind the dudes ordering the ultra complicated shirley temple, my drinks are usually real simple, ice and liquor...  everyone is happy.

There is other stuff, one thing I will be addressing next, that sort of keep the spot from ever being too fun, but like I said its a drug, I mean I could stay home I guess, but is that really an option?

Non Sequiotor Response 9-7-06

So in my general travels around peoples blogs on this or many other sites one always runs across the relationship blogs.  A fairly large subset of these blogs are blogs by women asking why men don't pursue lasting relationships with all of these great and wonderful women who are out there, or men taking us to task for our trifling ways.  All of these blogs and their comments are generally filled with comments about needing to be equally yoked and bible verses with people decrying the downfall of american society and all these people having pre-marital sex as the problem.  This is no disrespect but obviously in these types of forums no one keeps it "real." because reality sucks, and so while I can't post responses on many random sites I figure I would post my basic opinion for my people.  There was a book written which states that "he's just not that into you." more realistically its like "He's not sure you're good enough for him."

Fact is that while I know some completely low down and trifling ass dudes, fact of the matter is its not that simple.  A lot of the time when people get dogged on either side it's because at some point in the interaction they decided that the other person just wasn't good enough, or they had enough serious doubts about it to pull back.  Despite all the bullshit that people always write about preferring honesty, common decency tells us that it is not really appropriate to tell someone that you don't think they are good enough, and honestly where is the conversation going to go since I will go out on a limb and say that they will not agree with you.  See the problem is that people hear good enough and they think pretty, or educated, or rich, or a lot of other bullshit.  It's deeper than that though.

Third parties don't help either.  I was reading a friend's blog and it was funny, she was commenting on how so many of her friends describe a man as a "good man" by listing his education, job, lack of children, and perhaps that he goes to a church.  That is real damn shallow, what's funny is that the conclusion of her blog and the comments that followed was that those surface traits didn't mean much, yet what I got most from it is that if your descriptions of a person are that shallow, what is the likelihood that your interactions are that much deeper?  Too often people use shallow shit to determine who is on one another's level, or what their idea of good enough is.

One of the most annoying rants to me is when particularly women decry men for dating someone that is "below" them.  I hate that shit.  Does it mean that because I am a lawyer and went to an Ivy League school that I am slumming if I date someone whose school wasn't rated high enough for random hater 'X'?  I mean what exactly are the lists of acceptable careers for a mate of mine?  and why is dating someone solely because of their income, education, or occupation any less shallow that dating someone cause they got a nice body?  It's not really...

And that is why you bump into a lot of dudes with good educations and good jobs who are assholes.  They are just responding to the environment.  It's that Mike Jones syndrome.  There are too many dudes that have gotten dissed by women their entire life prior to getting some money and all of a sudden they have girls coming out of the woodwork.  We have all talked about the wack dates that we have that are like job interviews, with people telling you what they think you want to hear, which adds to the idea that these people are interchangeable.  And after a while, if all the conversation and interaction is going to be the same with people on a certain status, why not get the prettiest one you can, or the one with the most status? 

It's funny because the best conversations I ever have with people is when we have generally decided (vocally or not) that the whole relationship tryout things is off the table.  When people aren't worried about being offensive and will let you know what they actually care about.  I ahve heard way too many men and women bitch about going out with people who don't seem to believe in anything but getting that paper, and the cosby style power couple.  Thing is that I don't think most of the people are quite that shallow but can you really fault someone for not wanting to wait around long enough to find out?

So as a fall back people always bring God into the mix.  Now I don't know how many of you grew up in church but those that have know there are more hypocrites running around the church that anywhere else.  I do believe that God will send you someone when you are ready, but you also have to be able to see it, and the fact that it does not always look how you think it should.  Those that know me know this is not my plea for my educated sisters to start dating garbagemen, what I mean is though to have a couple of talks with people or on a real level.  Sometimes you and that asshole dude have the same interests, or dude that seems like shallow party dude is more than that.

The thing is that when I ask some of my female friends what they want its real broad even though what they expect isn't that broad.  They will say, an "open, god fearing, ambition man." ok, that is cool, but that could be a doctor or a drug dealer.  I figure that you shouldn't be scared to list some seemingly shallow things in what you are looking for because you need to think about what you want your everyday life to be, because if your goals for what life looks like are too different its a wrap, and its likely going to end in a shady way.

Last thing is even if you drop a lot of the bullshit and open yourself up to people and are interested.  fact is that they just may not like you.  You are not what they want, and contrary to popular opinion that is not some shit that people know on the first day, or after a couple of dates.  That is my problem with relationships, you get caught up in this thing before you are sure, and so it's never as easy to back out of a commitment.  Yeah perhaps it would be better if people left sex out of it, but is that realistic.  I know sex is its own promise (saving dr. baker from her Vanilla sky quote :) but it's also just something separate from the relationship.  A lack of permanent feelings does not make someone less sexy, and hell it takes two to tango as they say. 

Basically, the point is something that I always say, that there are no "good" men or women, you can just be "good" for one another.  Yeah people get hurt when things fall apart and its real easy to completely demonize a persons motives. but the fact is that even when they could have handles things better more men that you think do value the time that is spent, they just aren't willing to accept your love over their own.  A part of me agrees that you should be man or woman enough to let someone hate you, but I am not naive enough to say that is an easy choice.

General Rule 9-5-06

This is basically bitching about my work but it sort of goes for everything else. 

A general rule that I was told a while a go is that if you have to say that you are something, you prolly aren't. 

This means if you spend all your time saying you are cute...  you're not.  Saying you're smart?  Nope...  Saying you're Great?  once again that would be a no.  It's rough for people to deal with some times but the fact is that for the most part you can't hide who you are, and as Jigga said "you was who you was before you got here."  This is not hate, this is not saying that one can not nor should not work to improve, all it basically means is that you need to be about what you are supposedly on instead of talking about it all the damn time.  It's like for dudes, you ain't a player cause you say so, you a player if the people say so, or girls talking about how fine they are without a single male anywhere co-signing...  Guess what?  all the bragging in the world won't make my eyes stop working, we all know what you look like. 

Yeah sometimes you have to speak up, let the people know what you are in to, and damn it don't be scared to claim what you believe is rightfully yours, but be careful because the more you try to define yourself by your words instead of your actions, the more prone you are to having someone call bullshit on you, and if you don't have the goods to back up your boasts what good is it?

Rules I live by 9-6-06

These are just my rules, not what I expect anyone else to live with.

1.  Work sucks, try to find a way around it.

2.  Live fast, die young and Happy, don't forget the Happy, if you are going to be sad and bitter you might as well be old.

3.  If you are going to have bad credit you better have a lot of cool shit and some great stories, if you have bad credit and neither, you have lived a wasted life.

4.  If you don't like Diddy you don't like yourself.  Sorry to tell you that about yourselves Diddy haters.

5.  Bars that don't serve Hennessey don't welcome black people.  Tread lightly.

6.  You can honestly judge any man by the women that love him.

7.  You are not allowed to say anything bad about R. Kelly until you have proved an undying love for the man like he is your perverted uncle Remus.

8.  Cheap people suck.

9.  You're never too busy to wash your ass.

10.  Life is too short to hang out with people who drink crap.

11. Never trust a vegetarian.

12.  Light skinned people are the devil. (Yeah I know I ain't that dark but still...)

13. Coca cola and strawberry frosted pop tarts is the breakfast of champions.

14.  Some politically incorrect shit is funny.  Some offensive shit is funnier.

15.  I love my readers, even when they completely misinterpret my shit.

16.  Free liquor = good liquor

17.  People who voted for Bush need to be flogged.

18.  When in doubt order 6 wings with mild sauce salt and pepper.

19.  It's always better to hang with models.

20.  Everything you need to know in life can be learned from the Godfather and Star wars movies...  everything else is fluff.

The Worse Question in the World 8-28-06

is why?  Why is the question that makes us act like ass holes or causes most of the fear, and gets us involved in most of the bullshit that we are in.  See why is the question that changes the point from mere honesty to unneccesary cruelness and at a certain point, in most circumstances it is the most unnecessary question to ask.

Its funny because as a lawyer the why is the question that most people are reticent to ask, and that is where it is most important.  It is impossible to trully answer if you are in violation of this law or principle if we can not determine why you did what you did.  However the time when it is most asked is in relationships when the answer  holds no bearing at all on your current or future circumstance.  It's like what could a person possible say to why they don't want to be with you that would make you feel any better?  What could they say that would mitigate the pain?  Not a damn thing, and unfortunately the truth is likely merely cruel for cruelties sake.

The answer to why can be shallow, or it can be substantive, but at a certain point the decision has been made so it is not really changeable.  And to me there is nothing sadder than we you see someone trying to debate another person into the merits of starting or maintaining a relationship with them.  Instead we get people who act out because of the fear of the why.  They don't want to say that they don't find you attractive, or interesting anymore, so they pick petty fights or dodge the issue to make you want to leave so that they don't have to tell you something that they think is mean.  Hell sometimes they don't know, but its the awkward conversation of not knowing why you want to be gone but being certain that you need to be away that is the true pain in the ass.  And I know we should owe you better, or you should owe us better, but there is no good way around the why.

It's like a friend of mine once told me, you should never give an excuse for anything, because that makes it sound like "I would, but..." and honestly how many times is that the situation.  Usually the answer is No, and no more explanantion is necessary than I don't want to, of course you have to be fairly honest with yourself to make sure that the excuses you are feeding to others are not the excuses you are feeding to yourself as well.  Nonetheless, this is not the type of behavior that will win you sensitivity awards, and no one wants to be hated, so we try our best to avoid the why, but even when people don't ask sometimes you WANT to tell them...  sometimes out of spite, and sometimes because you hope than can correct themselves...  with someone else, but nonetheless correct themselves...  See being an asshole is easier, people don't expect much so u can't lose because no-one asks the asshole Why?  they just assume the worse and slightly contempt u for it, though assumed slight do tend to sting less than explicit ones...

A Few rules 8-27-06

Today what is needed in life is some sort of modern necessity etiquette guide.  Not really to describe what is right or wrong but just simply so we can be on the same page.  A few things that I have noticed that need addressing are:

1.  Chilvary, what does it really mean anymore?  And are their two standards, one for how you should generally treat people and another for dates?  This comes up a fair amount of time when you end up on surprise dates, like I didn't think I was going on  a date since you invited me to hang, and yet you don't even glance in the direction of your wallet...  isn't that interesting.  Not quick draw with the wallet you say?  All you have to say is "I got this one" and viola, no beef and I don't think you are shady or trying something.  Other things to relax on is walking on the outside of the street.  WTF?  Its bas enough to have to hear that shit on a date but just walking with a woman?  come on...  I figure I am good because as a general rule I will walk between you and someone else walking on the street but even then...  I was looking at the new GQ and they said that a gentleman should only give his seat up to an elderly person, a pregant woman, or a woman attempting to corral small children.  To give your seat up to a perfectly healthy woman that you don't know is somewhat creepy.  Here here...

2.  You don't have to wait until someone goes to the bathroom to answer your cell phone.  We are all grown we know you have lives.  Particularly if we are not at the sensitive point in a relationship where one is feeling neglected.  I am not saying interrupt dinner to answer a ten minute call from your road dawg that aint talking about shit, but if your sick grandmother who never calls you on your cell is hitting you up, take that shit.  Once again if we are not on a date different rules should apply take a phone call if you think you need to, cause I will, even if I am not staying on it, modern society has led people to believe that they can reasonably get in contact with you whenever, if someone may need you, you should prolly be able to check it out without someone throwing a temper tantrum.  Obviously there is some slight modification to this rule during sex.

3.  Ladies, if you are rolling in a co-ed group do NOT take all of your lady advantanges with no respect to the dudes you are with.  Meaning, don't leave the guys you are with stranded outside the club/ or VIP while y'all walk straight in.  Hell if the bouncers like you that much, holla at a discount for your people.  I mean love is love right?  Fellas, be prepared to catch all the ice grills in the world as you let your female friends tell any man that they don't want hollerin at them that you are their man.  Personally, I am not a big fan of walking over and pulling a girl out of something since that tends to cause friction (though I have done it) but I have definitely had nights where 3 or 4 girls have claimed me as their man to get away, sometimes from the same dude, but hey I can't help it if I am pimpin brotha...

4.  Be aware of people's day time cell phone minutes, ie, if someone calls your cell sprint to sprint, or because y'all are "In" and you have access to a land line, don't try to have the same 15-20 minute conversation with them in the middle of the day at the end of the month, get the info and bounce, we aint on that chit chat.

5.  This seems easy, if we eat in my car, don't just be stickin bags and bottles under the seat.  sheesh...

6.  This too should seem easy as we are getting older and have real jobs.  Do NOT assume you can smoke weed in my house/ car/ etc.  Particularly if you think back and realise that you have never smoked with me.  I mean hell, once you hit a certain age and you aren't a rapper I figure you need to start trying to keep that shit on the low anyway.  As a matter of fact this rule stands for all illegal shit.

7.  Watch what the hell you send to my work email.  I have friends whose supervisors be ALL through their shit, even the stuff sent to personal accounts if it would be checked during work hours.  Hell that is why u have cell phones and text messages if you need to be on too much drama.

8.  Don't 3rd wheel your people.  If you rolling with your boy or your girl and you see that hook up and you are down to make it happen, just give someone a heads up.  Don't have somebody waiting for you to be their ride home  in a house party where they know no one and you off in the cut doing what it do, hell at least offer someone cab fare, and give them a chance to get out.  Furthermore, let your people know if they are escorting you someplace where you are likely hated, its just kind of nice to know what the daggers are about, but we are all in it together so its cool.

Basically I am a bit all over the place and I am sure the next week will remind me of things I have forgotten, point is that the basic rules are sliding so much that half the time I can't call what I should expect from people.

A Million Little Pieces 8-14-06

A While a go my boy Ex mentioned in a blog that with every girl he deals with he gives them a little piece of himself.  Even if he just wants to bone...  That shit always stuck with me because I figured it was real dangerous.  Fact is, that with all the pimp talk that goes around the only way you can really be unaffected by relationships is if you keep a great distance between you and the people you interact with.

Fact is, when people break up, or cut shit off, or whatever you want to call it, we are all super hard.  You gotta be a punk ass to break down in front of someone that does not want to be with you anymore, so generally, no one cares, they bounce, its all good.  People go into therapy feeling worthless, undervalues, offended blah blah blah.  Fact is, there have been many women that I have valued, but for whatever reason it just isn't right, I am not a big fan of trying to make things fit so I am more likely to move away, yet since I move away in what seems like an easy decision I seem cold sometimes.  However, the fact is that in most relationships, whether friendship or relationship (dating or just sex) someone gets in, at least a little, maybe not that deep but they are there. The other fact is there are very few people that are so repugnant personally that as you learn about them and their lives that you would not care at all.  So in the end we carry the weight of all the people we ever deal with whether they ended good or bad, whether we were right or wrong, those pieces of ourselves that we have given and taken from all of the people in our lives weigh on us in everything we do and makes us who we are...

This is most important when I meet people who don't realize that even your shallow relationships touch your life if you are human, and start confusing all type of shit for love.  Missing someone does not mean you should be married, regret does not mean that you made the wrong decision, basically compassion is not love.  I care about the hard time that every person I have ever dealt with has had, whether their pain was my fault or not, yet I don't try to go back (too often) because I am not cyncial enough to believe that I don't care at all...  Even if I don't care enough to do right.  What I do try to keep aware of is that I don't give away too much of myself bit by bit that I lose myself, cause there ain't no coming back from that...

Yeah I am a Hater 8-23-06

Ok, so basically, I have a few female friends that are fam, and I pretty much try to get them to raise their expectations...  Its funny because there are so many women that I meet that I figure are smart and the whole nine, but they take too much bullshit off of dudes, so for my wonderful readers I will drop my basic advice to my sisters, so you can pretty much consider yourself fam...  or at least an adopted half cousin, because after all, even though, I as a dude like bust downs as much as the next guy, I don't really want to be known for hanging with them...

1. Raise your expectations, if you are over 25 and the "man" in over 25 he should be working or in GRAD school.  Period.  If you have a doctorate he should be working on a masters at least, or be making a decent amount of money or be at a decent point in his career, have a passion or something.  I'm not saying you can't date a teacher but hell if he wants to really teach he needs some extra degree at a certain point so fuck it, make it be so.  Be very cautious with "self employed" cats.  If they are not in a real field they are un-employed, working in real estate and having a real estate hustle is not the same thing.

2.  I meet a bunch of girls who say that they don't like to let men buy them drinks because they don't want to talk to them.  Get off of that bullshit.  I mean hey, I am a full proponent of not using guys that come at you correctly, but if a dude is trying to buy your time there is nothing wrong with telling him he did not spend enough.  Case in point, if you really want to be "fair" if you are a lawyer at a big firm in your first year they are likely charging out $250 for an hour of your time, which means that the $12 drink is worth about 2.5 of your minutes, which he prolly wasted with the dumb ass convo asking if you wanted something to drink, and definitely waiting to order it and get it made, therefore you have fulfilled your duty, so keep it moving and feel no guilt.  Next time, they will step their shit up and try to give you a reason to speak to them outside of alcohol, or dinner or whatever they are trying to bribe you with. 

3.  Understand that there is only one type of good first date...  a thoughtful one.  Basically, the only good cheap first date would be if the dude knows you and is putting together something that he has some reason to believe that you would like even though it is inexpensive.  Otherwise you need to put a minimum on what dude spends on the first date.  Forget what anyone tells you, what a man spends on you financially is a direct reflection of what he thinks of you.  I don't mean in actually money of course, but for instance, if a brotha with $300 spends $200 bucks on you it means more than if a brothat with $5000 spends $800.  Not trying to tell you to be gold diggerish, but factually, for a first date a man would spend s decent amount of money to show that he is interested.  He may not break the bank but he would not be cheap with you.  Fact is that any grown ass man with a job that is serious about you should be able to take on $60 to try to make an impression.  If he won't spend any money he ain't that serious about you, at least not yet.  Fact is that there has to be some thought, there has to be some attempt to impress you or its bullshit.

4.  Don't fall for them triflin ass excuses, Men really aren't stupid...  and if the particular one that you are messing with IS that stupid, perhaps there needs to be a touch of reassessment about the type of people you are dealing with.

5.  Dumb ass sex rules are stupid.  Be grown enough to go with the flow.  If you are not comfortable you are not comfortable.  That is perfectly fine, when you bust out the "girlfriends" 3 month rule or something stupid like that you see like a recovering dick addict trying to get over your whoreish ways with arbitrary guidelines, in which case we decide that we hate you, but put in the three months just not to waste the work we have already done.  Because now that we know you follow arbitrary rules its sort of hard to respect you.  Be grown enough to make your own decisions.

6.  Be woman enough to say what you on.  There is a thin line between the cute outfit and that fishing gear (trying to catch something).  If you trying to catch one, admit it, at least to your people, just don't drag the bottom of the lake.  I'ma feel the same way about you that you would feel about me if you saw me making, the 300 lb ugly chick with red weave and fishnet stocking on.  (*sidenote, If you see me with that chick you know I have had waaay too much Hennessey and at that point prolly some hypnotiq and I expect those of you who actually call yourselves my friends to by any means necessary pull me away from that shit.)

7.  last but not least, that psycho jealous shit aint cute...  When you are an educated sister and you have to seriously plan for your man's probation, or make sure he ain't packing before you will be seen speaking to another dude in the street you prolly need to reassess your shit.  I know you love that "thug love" or whatever the hell dumb ass reason you told yourself it made since to be dating Young Buck but let that shit go.  It kills me when i see a chick from grad school talking about her drug dealing ass man, lawd...

And yeah, before you ask I really do talk to my female friends like this, but they love me for somewhat unknown reasons anyway, and hell, its the double truth....  Ruth...

The Thing about Hop Hop 8-13-06

So I was at a block party about a week ago, and it was some old hip hop shit.  Saw people I knew from many different fields, all being "hip hop" and bobbin to shit charged cause Kanye had just left the spot.  and it was cool...  but at the same time it was different...  I'm not really sure what happened to me and hip hop, but I really don't connect to current shit anymore.  Cats swear to me that I should love MF Doom and Little Brother, and I mean its cool, but does it really feel like Tribe?  Is it really Hiero?  Is it Duck Down?  Has anything made me feel like Microphone fiend?  Of course not, its all really shallow and a bit too self important so I kind of lose it.

See, I have bumped into a couple of the cats that I knew from the Hip Hop days, back when there were crews in Chicago, and most folks didn't give a fuck about Hip Hop.  Hemp Squad parties, and Chi Rock Meetings, and hip hop open mikes at the South Shore Culture Center, Subway and Elevated Meetings, stuff like that there...  One cat aint doing shyt.  He is still keeping it real.  Real broke, and I guess its love, but damn once you pass 35 you got to know you aint getting that record deal right?  so then what?  what do we do?  On the other hand my guy is still breaking and tagging, but he has gone semi legit.  His girls father is a corporate big wig and got him on desigining corporate logos, it paid well, he got a few more, dude has cream coming in seriously, yet he didn't sell out...  or did he?

It reminds me of this convo that a few of us had with KRS One with one of those hook ups when I used to really know people in Hip hop Journalism, (you know before the Dare iz a darkside Redman issue with two covers that signified the end of the Source)...  Anyway, what KRS said was that when people talk all this shit about hip hop being a culture and a way of life, that shit is serious.  Its not just about every person int he world trying to rap or write, or Dj, or Break though, it's bigger than that.  See, when you think of culture every culture has its artisans, and we examine art to tell us a lot of the culture but it is not the be all to end all of a culture.  Every culture has its merchants, and lawyers, and doctors, and bankers, and teachers, and that had to be the final goal of the hip hop nation.  We were just like any other immigrants who came to this land with a since of history from our culture which colors our perspective and how we deal with life.  Cause of what we learned being members of the hip hop nation, we can still be lawyers and accountants, but maybe we look at race different, maybe we look at collaborration differently, I'm not sure, it needs to be studied, but please believe that while we still respect the music, and all facets of the music let me tell it, if hip hop is a culture its a deeper part of who we are than to still be trying to break or rap, or write if we aren't the ones meant to be doing that.

What I mean is this...  while I love Kanye (at times) there is a large difference to me between Common with his direct connection to UAC and Dem Dare crews that I know, than Kanye to no crew that I have heard him claim (Other than hustle which I respect but is different).  There is a difference between the old Ill State Cats who were in the culture and cats who were always more for the music.  Its the reason why I respect Puff because he came from the Heavy D, Eddie F, Pete Rock school, or Fat Joe because any MTV success he gets legitimizes Show and AG, and Diamond D.  It's why in the beginning we all rooted for Nas because he was the great hop of all the Queens cats that never sold like Large Professor, and Red Alert, or even Jay for legitmizing Jaz. 

Fact is the point of none of this is to diss, but I know I sort of get sick of people always trying to draw lines in hip hop.  Understand that Vanilla Ice was not the same thing as Hammer.  There has to be room for a million different interpretations and I sort of look at the my distate for some of the current music like old folks bitching about the good ole days.  Society may be looser, they may show more BS on TV but they still live in America and they are all Americans, and so if you understand that we are what we are and that its more than radio hits, or fashion, or faux underground posing then I accept that you too are from the Hip Hop Nation...  Even if you happen to be from the other coast than me...

Rethinking Mean... 8-8-06

Ok, so often I am told that I am really mean, or really cold hearted just because a lot of times I tell the truth.  Basically, sometimes people are on bullshit, and if you call them on that it does not necessarrily mean that you think you are perfect, or even perfect on that same subject, but damn how far is politeness really taking any of us?

A few examples, have you ever seen people who are out in the streets just looking bad?  I mean real fucked up, hair shitty, clothes ill fitting and messed up, skin bad, just basically unhealthy.  I mean look we all know things happen, and you can't hide in the house, but trust me, 3 times in a row if you are in the street looking through people are talking about it even if they aren't saying anything to you.  Is it really that mean to ask someone what's the deal?  I won't guess what is wrong but if you used to be a person who was meticulous in your look, and now you look sick for a while, someone needs to tell you you're not looking good.  In college especially you would have been amazed how many people thought they were hiding their issues that weren't.

Is it mean to have standards?  Number one thing that pisses me off is when you are out here living your life and people want to get mad because you didn't give this "good" man or woman a chance...  I mean damn if I am not feeling a chick, I am not going to laugh at her in public but I am also not going to take her out spend a bunch of money and try to get to know this woman I am not interested in.  Also along those lines if we do go out and you don't meet my standards (this means, amongst other things, those chicks who come on dates with me in jeans and a t-shirt, WTF?) I am not really going to call you back, and hell I don't think I need to "break up" with someone that I only went on one or two dates with.  Am I tripping?

Is it really mean to tell someone to get their shit together?  I mean hey I know my money aint quite right yet, therefore I don't even pretend that I should be calling myself seriously hollerin at anyone.  I know I know, people tell me that it shouldn't matter and folks should support you anyway.  that is Bullshyt, we are grown.  Ladies, I respect the fact that you got bills, and you don't really need a broke nigga hanging around.  Same thing, my boys who are out here making moves don't really need to take on an albatross with a 350 credit score and an addiction to Prada bags on their $25K a year salary?  I just don't see why its mean to say that you don't want that type of shit in your life.  Yeah if you are on the bad end it hurts, rejection always hurts, but damn lets be realistic.

Fact is in the end I call it like I see it...  People let too much hyperbole and exagerration go, and if you call it, you're mean.  Fact is, that all those people who call in to the quiet storm and whispers in the dark talking about how they love such and such forever is bullshit.  Those men and women I know who "love" their significant other more than life except when they are bonin' random folks they meet in the club are bullshit.  I can't really let you cry on my soldier about how you gave your all to your relationship when I know all the ass you got on the side.  I may not kick you while you are down, but there has got to be a limit. 

Mind you, I don't need to convince that I am right, most things I may say once and never bring it up again, or just not comment on your pity parties, or just refuse to co-sign certain shit, because personally I can't stand when someone psycho-analyzes me and then tries to argue me down to convince me they are right and I really hate myself.  I only mean real basic shit, like if you know how much I eat McDonalds and Harold's and you hear me bitch about not having a six pack (unless I mean a six pack of coke) you have the right to smack me (figuratively...  you can only literally smack me if you see me wearing white framed sunglasses in the club, or drinking a corona with grenadine in it...) 

Low Hanging Fruit 8-6-06

This has basically been a recent convo between my friends and I, but obviously from the few discussions I have had with outside people tells me I first must explain the title.  There is basically some fable or some story which talks about apples, and how the overripe, dirty and rotten apples have fallen to the ground, they aren't clean or good but they are esy because you just pick them up.  On the other hand there are some peaces of fruit that hang low and are about to fall which are a little past their best level of ripeness but they are clean an easy to pick, however the best apples are up higher in the treat and require some level of work to get and while they may taste the best the question is if they are really worth all of the work.

All of this is to say is that if you are not careful you will look around one day and find yourself surrounded by low hanging fruit, if not fruit you picked up off the ground.  You are generally unhappy with life because you have always taken the easy way out.  Unfortunately low hanging fruit is not even low maintenance, but nothing sucks more than being stressed out by some individual that you do not even like but only started up with because they happen to be in the right place at the right time and available for your purposes. 

Which leads to the main point of how much should you sacrefice excitement for stablity?  If we accept the fact that some people truly are out of our league, what makes someone a reasonable goal worth working towards, and when do they become an unattainable fantasy?  This was brough to mind by the preview for the new Zach Braff movie, where the main character has a good life (to some) but it was a bit too easy, a bit too smooth, there was no excitement.  I guess the question is can a person be considered happy ever after if the best of times are maxed out at 6 of 10.  Because that is the problem, the safe people is never but so exciting, and at which point are you just being a grown up who doesn't chase dreams, or are you settling for the low hanging fruit?  No matter what the answer is, I believe more folks do need to answer the question before they jump too deep.  I know I know, people never want to really ask themselves if they are settling in a relationship.  Everybody wants to say they are with the man/ woman of their dreams, but too many of those couples end up divorced because people aint real.  I mean hell, I think I am pretty cool, but I know I ain't Prince Charming.  In fact, I get a bit scared (ok a lot scared) whenever I meet someone telling me that I am too great....  but hey maybe I am trippin...  Cause it doesn't make one wonder that if I am going to climb up the tree should I get the one I want no matter what people say is the best or should I go for the best I can get?  That just sounds like a question for therapy doesn't it?

An Argument for Honesty

So recently, I have been having conversations with girls and the topic comes up about kind of informal relationships.  See I am pretty much a jerk about this whole thing because I am not real big on fake titles and formality but that's a pretty long discussion that usually gets me cussed out so I will have to write that out later.  My point right now is that after a little prodding or whatever you will find a fair number of girls that say that they don't believe in formal relationships either and are even down for physical relationships, but...  and here is the kicker, if they are going to have sex with someone it has to be monogamous...

Now I know, that doesn't sound like to much to ask in the world of STDs and AIDs,  however it has recently led me to wonder if that is a common expectation.  My issue being that if you are only having sex with one person that you are in a relationship with that one person.  it gets particularly convoluted when one attempts to say that are in a monogamous sex only relationship.  No, you are in a dysfunctional relationship.  A few facts, if you are "just having sex with someone." you need to be pursuing other relationships.  If you are not trying to honestly date someone and the only man or woman in your life is your fuck buddy, then you are just in an unhealthy relationship.

Furthermore, what is the point of saying that you are cool without placing formal restraints or interpretations on your relationship and saying people are open to dating other people if the physical aspect has to be monogamous?  My point being that if you are that uncomfortable with your physical partner sleeping with other people, you are really that uncomfortable with that person dating other people.  Just admit that, there really isn't anything wrong with that, just be honest.  Too often people sign on to bullshit in relationships cause they are trying to be cool, or whatever they perceive as cool.  The problem is the more your put that shit out there you will meet some man or woman who will call you on your shit and then you are stuck.  But once that happens, we get people still attempting to be cool, but by adding rules that they believe sound rational, but actually sort of defeat the purpose of the entire arrangement.  Once again this sort of works, until they meet some ignant nigga like me who calls them on the basic irrationality of their request, or some other dude who is willing to lie, because its not really cheating if you agree you are not exclusive, you just kind of violated a provision, and who can really fault you for violating a provision?

Mind you this is not an argument saying that you should let your partner bone everybody, cause please believe folks be having that shit...  I am just saying be honest with yourself and everyone else about what you want.  If you want a dude to buy your dinner and maintain you, but have no rights or say so over where you go and what you do, give it a shot.  If all you really want is a chick on the side to be your back up when your date or the club aint jumping but you really gotta go there, hey...  Even if it seems grimey, you might as well ask... :o)

Do Like Snoop Say 7-24-06

Step your game up...

(**Side note, I think that Mr. Me Too is my favorite song of the summer, I definitely know if I owned a club it would have to get played three times a night because cats be in a rush to trick off loot to this song, but really I feel them, so I cant hate.)

So anyway, my current gripe, since what would I be without gripes, is the extreme proliferation of people out here expecting you to fall for wack game.  Now I am not talking about lines, per se just over-all wack game.

for instance, folks that know me know I am not a big relationship dude.  In fact I pretty much don't do them, I mean we can chill or whatever, but I am not the type that likes jumping into false commitments.  I figure the main reason people cheat is because they just agreed to be exclusive because they thought they were supposed to.  I figure we should all be honest for the first few months and admit that in the beginning we are all open to an upgrade.  Now folks that know me, know I am pretty upfront about this.  I don't run around offering to be your man and carrying on a big time public relationship.  In fact I generally tell people that the last girl that I actually officially called my girlfriend was from high school.  So what happens next you may ask?  well girls will decide that they are "cool" with the set up, roll for a while and then expect me to change my mind.  Now some put forth some effort so I don't really have an issue with them, my problem is with the ones who decide that they are going to stress the shit out of me from day one, make me spend a ton of money to their no money, and then not pay any attention to what I am into but expect me to want to settle down.  I mean damn, I don't know how that shit works on a dude that is pro relationship but on an anti-relationship dude, you would figure that you would try to impress somebody.  I don't know, be low key, cook, juggle, hell if I know I figure you should step it up.

My female friends tell me about dudes that are the same way.  They will holla, holla, holla, holla, trying to get you to let your guard down, but once you agree to go out they have honestly come with the first date chicken and xbox thing...  Really?  Is that how you impress a chick you have to win over?  I mean how did we get to the point in society where folks figure that others are under some obligation to take their nasty asses just as they are?  What's next people going out without shaving or showering?  I mean damn its bad enough what some people wear in the street when they know they have plans with you.  I mean damn if we not married yet, don't I at least still merit you trying to be cute?  stylish or something?

My people, I need you to fight back, I sit up here and sound crazy sometimes trying to have some standards for a minute cause too many chicks are letting dudes take them out straight from hooping with their boys, and too many dudes are letting girls wear flip flops on the first date to the restaurant.  I mean comfort and being yourself has a place in all relationships I guess but you really can't expect somebody to want to sign on for that?  It would be like trying to sell a dirty house, we know it won't always look like this but if you are going to ask for this much money you betta try to spruce things up...  or as TI said, 'get ya shit together."

Maintenance vs. Easy 7-6-06

I am really still recovering from the weekend to really talk about it but I will post about July 4th once I have had a minute to really break it down into reasonable categories.  However, since I try to answer commands I figured I would talk about another issue which is the concept of high maintenance vs. Low Maintenance women.

Now first of all, if you have ever discussed this topic, you may think you know all there is about it, unless you have actually gotten deep in the topic with someone willing to argue the other side.  Usually that is not the case.  You get a bunch of dudes around and they bitch about high maintenance women, and girls claim they aren't very high maintenance so its dropped.  however if you discuss the topic more you will usually find that people don't think the same thing when they say High and low maintenance?  I mean is a woman high maintenance because she wears all designer clothes and has expensive taste, and has to keep her hair and nails did all the time?  See I don't think so, I think she is just expensive.  If you give her a stack of money, you can pretty much ignore her and that is about as little maintenance as I have ever heard of.  On the flip side, the regular girl who is cool with the Harold's and the DVD as a date is not exactly low maintenance if you get 12 calls/ texts/ and emails a day, each one from a different personality.  Now its not to say that high or low maintenance is bad.  (I actually kind of like high maintenance women, some times, problem is they would have to also be low stress and therein lies the rub...  but I digress...)

Upon further inspection what you find is that with dudes, high maintenance and low maintenance is usually a place holder for easy or not?  Once again, to be clear easy is not a moral judgment it is more a statement on the dudes comfort zone.  ie.  if you are a dude that spends every weekend in the club buying bottles, if you let a girl come with you while you do what you were doing anyway for a couple of months and her conversation was cool, she may consider it that you put it work but for you that was easy.  No real deviation from the regular.  On the same token, even if a girl would have sex on the first date, if the first date required you to bust in the projects and steal a police squad cruiser so you could prove you were bout it when you are a nice professional young man, I would consider her not easy, it all depends on the person.  Even beyond that, stuff being easy is not necessarily wrong.  (If I have to work at my job, why would I want to work at home?  but alas I digressed again...)

The point is, that in general dudes are lazy and don't want to get out of their comfort zones.  Usually that goes along with what is generally considered to be a low maintenance woman, even that woman actually requires more time and maintaining of the relationship, than the stuck up chick.

Why does this matter at all?  Basically because I am sick of being around a "cool" chick, whose attempt to prove that she is down is that she is cheap, down to earth, and will coach you trying to get on chicks.  As a general rule, any male friends you have are not fooled, they like you for another reason beyond you being just so cool.  And it gets even worse when you run into bougie fellows like myself and try to connect with me on some grimey shit that I am not (publicly ;o) on....

Stated simply, usually a man's ideal woman is the cute to fine woman who thinks that however he wants to be is the sexiest thing in the world.  It may not be what he is yet, but when he gets there she will be charged, and from that point on he can keep her quite happy and as a bonus he wont have to do much.  If that works out, you can subsist on a diet exclusively made up on West Jamaican mango water and Peruvian tulips, while only taking baths in butter milk from virgin cows, and refusing to wear any clothes that was sewn by a right handed person and he will be telling all his friends you are the most low maintenance girl he ever had....  Cause its easy....

Public Service Announcement 7-9-06

It has come to my attention that women needed to be informed of one certain fact.  It is this:

If you are cute, or fine, or thick, or sexy, and you offer yourself sexually to a man that can reasonably accept, he will accept.

This does not change anything he has previously told you.  He will not be with you, he will not fall in love with you.  Hell he may actually dislike you, however that does not make you ugly.  A man figures he is doing the best he can to warn you that he ain't shit and that he does not want to be with you, after that, all bets are off, he is not going to fight you to not have sex. 

I know this seems like it should be common knowledge but no I have seen too many times where the girls says, sure forget what he said if I can jsut get him into bed, then when the dude is a complete asshole to them, they say "But you slept with me."  So I am telling you, it means absolutely NOTHING...  What if he stepped to you trying to hit it?  Nope it still doesn't mean a damn thing, the logic is that once he has said the truth once that ruling is in effect until it has been directly overruled like a Supreme Court Decision, laws can not be changed by assumption.  The thinking is that even knowing the deal, you are a big girl and can want to get down.  sure that's not logical if you wanted it to be more, but hey we try not to look at things to close.  Trust me, no matter what the situation is short of him coming with a ring the sex dont mean a thing... Not a damn thing at all, no ifs ands or buts.  Armed with this knowledge, you are perfectly welcome to do what you want to do, but don't say you weren't warned.

The Isolation Question 6-25-06

Not too long ago I was at a make shift Happy Hour by some friends of mine for the Hillman Alumni Association...  Now first off this is like the funniest thing in the world to me being the Cosby show college and it does give you a basic idea of what this is.  Educated bougie colored folks with jobs.  Not really a raucous crowd.  Nonetheless we were at the Fulton Lounge, a fairly non-descript spot in the west loop which generally has a pretty cool vibe if its nothing special.  In the beginning the turnout was fairly suspect but then the numbers picked up and there were somewhere around 60 block folks there I would guess, sort of spread out but in the counch area.  Here is where the bullshit begins...  A Manager comes to my boy who is sponsoring the event upset that we did not reserve the area for a private event, she informs us that we are making their customers apprehensive.  Now mind you, this is a wednesday from like 5-9pm, they are not jumping like that.  Also keep in mind that there was an attempt to reserve but they were told to just show up, of course the girl who called doesn't sound like random ghetto chick on the phone so they were told to just show up.  Finally, its not like any cover was being charged and the only reason to believe that everyone in there was together was because we were all Black.  Anyway, bullshit upon Bullshit, the night goes on and eventually the manager tells my boy he has to leave now...completely insane for a dude that clearly increased your bottom line that night for an incident free night, but hey I guess they were unhappy that he told his guests that they were being mistreated.

As this was being discussed later, one of the answers that I heard on multiple occasions was that we should just go to Black places and we wouldn't have these problems.  It's a popular refrain that I hear many times whether it is stores, clubs, or schools, that whenever we are mistreated in a white insitution it is our own fault for continuing to patronize them instead of staying Black.  Isn't this isolation?  and if we agree that it is, is it really the answer?  It's something I see unfortunately a lot on political scenes, as is the case in Chicago.  We get people running or talking about running for mayor of Chicago speaking only of black issues and black neighborhoods, and while I support the black neighborhoods, what if I believe in the investment in greater Chicago?  Please believe that as much as I love and attempt to support our Black institutions you are missing out on the wonders of Chicago if you don't support the mainstream.  And honestly should it really be that easy to gain segregation by simply mistreating the few black people that come in to warn the rest away, or do we need to force ourselves into the discussion. 

In the years since I was first growing up in the City, the restuarant scene and cultural scene in the city have exploded.  The randolph quarter has some of the most high quality restaurants in the city and recently has been named the most innovative city for American food in the country.  I am sure this is not everyones thing but should black people ignore it?  should Black chicagoans not have pride in these facts.  In the fact that Chicago is by far the cleanest and architecturally unique large city in the country?  in the world even?  Can we invest in the growth of our neighborhoods and institutions so that they become a part of Chicago instead of a part of Black Chicago?  Are the south and West sides devalued by white money?  I think not.  We have to grow beyond being anti white to truly being pro-black.  And that means that we stand up to people like the Fulton Lounge, not by leaving all white establishments but by leaving the Fulton Lounge and making sure others of all races know that we are not welcomed at the Fulton Lounge, so they miss the success shared by their neighbors, while we simultaneously try to get some Black places to compete with the white areas in terms of locations and environments where we want to be.  As long as we are paying taxes its the only thing that makes sense to me.... 

Damn Boredom 6-14-06

I was reading a blog where a girl was going on a story about how she ended up at some dudes house with her homegirl.  It got late, her girl was on her shit with dude and so she was stuck laying up with this other random cat.  He decides to try to hit, and she isn't really interesting but hey she is bored so she rolls with it for a while.  To make matters more interesting comments from more than a few girls pretty much went along the lines of "Yeah, I've been there...  been boned a few times of shit like that..."

Number 1, this is why dudes hate when they girl be hanging out with that chick that he figures is a bit too loose.  I know girls always be like dudes are psycho, but hell naw, boredom is a mutha, we all know this...  How we know exactly is the main point or

Number 2, this whole thing made me think about how random shit is and what is basically the problem with late nights and alcohol.  Fact of the matter is that 90% of dudes who are more than 50% single and straight, if they are sitting in their apt and there is a not ugly girl there and there has been alcohol, dude is going to try to bone.  Not cause he really wants to but cause its there and what else are you really going to do?  It's like if someone just randomly gives you a slice of chocolate cake.  You may not be hungry, and chocolate cake may not be your favorite, but you're not eating anything else and it is there, so there we go...  Of course what we figure will keep us out of trouble is that the girl is not as silly as we are and so if she is not actually feeling, she would shut the shit down...  But no, apparently, she will get bored and roll with it, hell even worse she will fake an orgasm or whatever to make dude feel good since she figure that he must be interested in her.  Maybe it's just me, but it seems sort of bogus that two people can have sex when neither one of them actually wants to, especially when you realize that if they never talk about the fact that neither of them wanted to do it, they will keep at it for a while so as not to hurt the other persons feelings.  So next thing you know, you have wasted three months and have to make some bullshit excuse to break up with someone who you never liked and who never liked you.  I mean and that's with the hope that no one ended up pregnant.

There is not really a point to this it just reminds me to try and be proactive lest I stay falling into bullshit...

My Bad Habits 6-14-06

So basically, my life is consisting of bad habits, and I mean I guess they are bad but I love my bad habits...  in fact I hate people with no bad habits, so I figure I will list my favorites...

I curse too much,  I mean, well too much is a judgment and I think I curse just right, meaning not in front of my mother, but otherwise I am fairly foul.  I am pretty well educated supposedly, but that is what makes it better to me.  Fuck what you think an Ivy League Nigga should be.  (now don't you love that sentence?)  I will just do what feels comfortable, even though in some rooms I think I seem less educated than most, but then again I got the paper behind me to phukkem.

I drink too much, then again that is again a judgment and I am not about that, but hell, I like drinking a lot, even if it is bordering on what the liberals call problematic.  At this point I figure I still make it to work and have fun, and have not really annoyed anyone I care about annoying, therefore...  Plus I am an asshole so making people uncomfortable is fun for me, so maybe I lay shit on a little thick sometimes.

I LOVE McDonalds...  and pork...  When did it become passe to eat bullshit?  hell I don't know, fuck I care for either, I pretty much don't mind being fat, though I do mind people who talk shit about my good friends Big Mac and Pork Chop, I mean who are you to talk shit about my people?  I don't know when it happened but at some point shit changed and you can barely find an educated person that likes a pork chop and a quarter pounder...  deezam.  Personally I have accepted being fat... any working out I do would be to become less fat but still fat, since in order for me to work out I would have to drink less, and therefore...

I am completely irresponsible with money...  But I am a hell of a lot of fun, so let me tell it its a trade off.  I mean sure, a dude with barely a real job and only occasional clients shouldn't be buying round for folks and going to bougie ass restaurants but its what I want to do.  I mean I figure until the reopen debtors prisons I will be that last educated dude out here with a low credit score and good stories.  We wont talk about the money I spend outside of the bar...  its really not any better.

I'm an asshole, well sometimes at least.  I mean I guess I am hard on people...  If you read what I write you can sort of feel the asshole stuff, but hell.

Understand none of this is like a pity party, or trying to get props, its just my reality.  I like being sort of fucked up cause I figure that is what makes me hot.  I guess my ego is another issue.  I just read too many blogs or talk to too many people that want to be perfect.  they never sleep with ugly people, the eat all the right shit, and read intelligent books, and never have any bad habits.  I HATE those people...  have some color, have some flaws...  its okay, cause whoever you are fronting for they are going to get to know you and find that stuff out anyway.  embrace it and make sure you have a personality... even if other folks dont like it.

Father's Day 6-19-06

Yesterday was Father's Day, and you know we tried to hold it down, but I must admit that Father's Day is like the saddest damn excuse for a holiday in the Black Community that one has ever seen.  Case in point WGCI had a Father Day "celebration."  It gets the quotes cause it was trifling as hell.  Like the mother's Day celebration was a big ass gospel brunch where we all say thank you to our wonderful mothers.  The Father's Day event, feature Les Brown telling fathers to ask for forgiveness and atonement for being trifling in their children's lives.  To prove this he mentions that his daughter that is grown that he only met nine years ago will be there and that through forgiveness the Black family can move on. 

Ok, I get it, some dudes aint shit, they get a girl pregnant and bounce, but really there are more than 5 black dudes who are fathers to their kids.  Why is it that my entire life I have never been to any fathers day thing that was all positive and saying thanks for being there, whether you were the biological father or just the grown ass man father figure in someone's life, instead of dwelling on the deadbeats.  I mean we get it, some dudes aint shit, but can a good father get his shine?  You don't hear mothers days being filled with stories of bad mothers so what's the deal?  Also a very serious issue that people need to address particularly in our community is what are the classifications?  There is more to the story than straight trifling dudes and perfect husbands.

Doing what I do in work, I know that sometimes, as hard as it may seem the best thing for a man to do is to just write the check and stay out of the way.  If the mother has moved on, and the kid is comfortable are you really the bigger man by making the child an outcast from what is currently his family by trying to prove a point a few weekends out the year?  On another side, how much stress is a man supposed to take over a mistake?  If you are not married and you have a kid you have to decide early if you are really going to try and raise a child together while being apart.  This does not mean that one party can or should cut and run, but 18 years of getting screamed at because he let the kid have some ice cream when momma wouldn't have, or let him see a particular movie, or brought him home a couple of hours late isn't healthy for anyone either.  I am not trying to shift the blame like all brothers are misunderstood but sometimes we need to remember that life isn't always black and white, and the majority of brothers out here are not people with no sense of responsibility, yeah there are some but for many its a struggled choice.  If we acknowledge that Black America isn't just filled with bad male apples then maybe we can celebrate the husbands and fathers without reservation sometimes, with the big piece of chicken and the basketball game instead of celebrating him by making him sit through another diatribe about how he is basically trifling we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Arrogant Conceit

My homegirl once referred to me as her uber intelligent, extra educated, yet grounded homeboy in one of her blogs, and honestly I love that classification (full on cheese everytime I read it... :o)  Yet I am fully willing to admit that I can be a touch arrogant from time to time and come off as not exactly grounded.  I bring this up only in regards to the current number one gripe I have been hearing from women recently which is that they are sick of educated Black men being so arrogant and expecting women to bow down and yada yada yada...  First of all, I have to admit that I sometimes wonder what the hell do you want?  If you spend a bunch of time talking about how the educated Black man is all of that, of course you are going to make them into assholes, just as the fine chicks who date wack dudes just because of their job creates even more asshole dudes...  However in general I think the story is a lot more basic than that.

like I said, I am a bit arrogant, but its not because of where I went to school, or my job or nothing.  I just happen to thing fairly highly of myself. Personally, I like Kanye's definition, "when my self confidence bumps into your insecurity I might seem arrogant." Fortunately my self image isn't really connected to what other folks may think of me as to whether my self image is justified or not.  However, whenever the shit tends to go to far and the so-called justification I get is that the problem with educated dudes is that they want to be sweated without recognizing the worth of this equally educated and employed sister.  From a surface level I can feel that, except for one issue.  Men and women are not the same...

Let me be clear, i am not on all that gold digging shit, and while i have definitely had my broke moments for the most part it is understood that men are supposed to pay for shit when you go out.  This is not really news as most people pretty much play by these rules with a couple of occasions of going dutch, thrown in.  When things get deeper, most men believe (as I do) that while a couple may work together at the end of the day when things need to be handled it is the man's responsibility to carry the family through financially.  It's part of the job, it comes with the territory.  It may sound chauvinistic but in general its a fact, if you are a woman dealing with a dude who does not feel that it is his responsibility to take care of you, he aint shit...  you can believe that or not but its true.

This is important for the conversation because this is why the educated dude doesn't bend all over backwards and get enamored just because a woman has an education and a job.  After all, what difference does how much money a woman is making matter if she is not paying for shit?  Yeah it may matter more in serious relationships but when you are just kicking it, that is not a high priority for men.  It is more so for women, whether a woman is looking for something serious or shallow a dude with money is a better catch.  Therefore he is willing to play his part and spend his money to attract what he is trying to attract.  On the otherside then a dude is more interested in looks when he is on shallow shit.  If you think about it, the arrogant behavior that women tend to hate in educated men is pretty much the same as you find in fine women, because in the dating world they are closer corollaries than educated men to educated women.  Now mind u none of this is to say that you need to deal with that shit, cause I know plenty of dudes that only holla at 7-8s because they can't stand the attitude of a 9-10, but don't act like every dude with a job is on some new shit just because they dont have the same Cosby show fantasies.  Also, as an interesting addendum, and this is true for men and women, education and job does not equal personality.  So before you write someone off as arrogant or bogus for not recognizing your worth, make sure you're not wack...  I mean that's all I am saying...

That Feeling of Superiority 6-6-06

is kind of looked down upon in America, but hey sometimes we have to stand up for what we believe in and speak the truth.  I am an elitist, and I honestly don't believe all that bullshit about no one being better than anyone else.

Personally, I love saying this in random individual or small group conversations because some people will react with complete disgust, some people will laugh it off, and some people kind of act like they met a kindred spirit and get to running off with things we dare not say in America.  Nonetheless facts are facts, they just may not be so in the way everyone is used to.  See my feeling of superiority does not have anything necessarrily to do with the fact that I went to a particular school or schools and have a particular career.  It even doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I am just so adorable (go with it), but in the end we all have things that we value and people who rank accordingly.  See for me, I hate people that are mean to waitstaff and the help.  I mean i believe in getting service but if you are the type of person who can't feel good about themselves without berating a waiter then yes I think I am better than you.  Also, there is a fact that some of us have had greater advantages growing up, and I would never tell you that hard work is the difference between homelessness and a Harvard degree, but eventually, when laziness, or some deversion was striking as it strikes us all, some of us decided to do what we had to do, and some of us gave in to the bullshit.  Is that really a question of "there but for the grace of God?"  I just don't think so.  Where people take things too far is when they believe that you can judge people merely from the outside.  I mean Bush may be President but that does not mean that he was a hard worker, and every poor person is not a victim of their own decisions.  but individually we all make decisions in our lives about what type of person we are going to choose to be, and while it may just be my value system that tells me that any success is hollow if I don't do anything to help the people of this world, that is my value system, so as long as I am striving to do right and help the world and you (generic) are not...  I believe that I am better than you...  'nuff said...

Observations from out and about 5-25-06

Man no matter what I just can't figure out any good reason for a man to be wearing an outfit...  I mean its cool to match, its cool to be fashionable, but when u look like you are wearing an outfit, like bought the entire thing u are wearing at one time it is not a good look.  Think to yourself, would modern Kanye wear this?  if the answer is yes, your answer should prolly be no.

What's up with that one girl at each spot that come to the club with her hair straight phukked up.  I don't mean natural, or even a bad design, I mean she didn't even try.  Its like she is disrespecting every dude in there.  Same thing with dudes who just have their hair a week and a half passed cutting.  I mean unless u are doing the whole neo-soul anthony hamilton look thing, clean yourself up.  damn...

You can always judge a man by what he drinks...  a while ago cats was order coronas with grenadine in them.  damn bright red beers.  that's right, suspect.  If a dude is sitting around with a bright green drink with a pineapple in it, ladies can consider that fair warning of the down low.  I mean I am not saying that a guy can't have a martini, but basically you know the guy that orders the hennessey with coke and sweet and sour aint really a G now don't you?

Hint for girls, buy yourself a damn cranberry juice if you are broke, but aint nothing worse than that girl who sits there thirsty with a jerk ass look on her face until you buy her a drink.  At least front like you are a little self sufficient.

At a certain age...  I feel I am there now, I am too old to do current dances that have names.  If the dance has a name and it was not around when I was in college, I can't do it.  just like my old ass can't wear a white T to a party.  Sorry I missed that just like those older than me missed being able to pull of damaged...

Very important difference, if a bar or club is closing and a dude tries to speak to you he is trying to holla.  If his boy has been talking to your girl for mnore than 5 minutes and it doesn't seem like they are going to stop, he is just trying to pass time.  I mean I can't speak for everyone but for me sometimes I try to have shallow conversation when I am stuck standing next to someone cause I hate that awkward, "we are obviously both waiting here but we can't speak" shit...  Not that I wouldn't holla per se, but that's all a part of the equation, and personally I am not a fan of the whole my crew is dating your crew thing...  I mean who really thinks that is a good idea?

People who don't take shots suck...  Also don't be scared of Jaegar...  It's good.

Nod to Des...  when u meet someone in the club and you leave, and you both get in seprate cars, and drive to someones crib on the south side, and park, and then go inside, and have sex, you can not say you were caught up in the moment.  sorry.  you had a coolin off period.  you jsut decided to be one that.  its cool, but accept it.  All it really means is that the girl you met as a club does not give u a good reason to not use a condom dumbass, and for girls if u think a one night stand makes u a hoe, well you joined the club, because you sure to hell made that decision...