So every now and again there will be a wave of girls I know who are so upset when they find out that some dude they were talking to or went out with supposedly has a "girl." Its bad because they are generally really upset and you can never find out what they mean when they say he has a girl, meaning, did he cut you off saying that he has a girl, or did you just happen to find out that there is some chick out their claiming him. It sounds like a small difference but that is a major difference between men and women. Women care that there may be another woman out there in reality that might have a relationship with you, men base life strictly on what you tell us, if you don't tell me you have a man, then you don't... Its that simple.
What it comes down to is the question of what single means. People say single or committed, or whatever but honestly single has degrees. My personal opinion is that you are supposed to be 100% committed if you are married (not engaged, not dating for a long time, but married) but that there is no such thing as 100% single. I know, people always want to claim that they are indeed 100% single, but honestly, most grown, decent looking people have someone that they speak to that on some level is prolly trying to get up. Y'all may not quite be dating, they may just be your ego boost who takes you to the movies when your self esteem is low, they may be that ex that you never quite let all the way out of your life but there is always someone around who would be a little bruised if you popped up engaged tomorrow.
So what's the spectrum? well its never an exact science but I feel like there are some discernible categories:
1. Crutches/ booty calls- These are not the same things just kind of two sides to the same coin. Crutches are basically just good friends of the opposite gender that you sort of use to make it through the times when you don't feel like being in a relationship. You can't touch your crutches, and honestly they work best in conjunction with having a separate booty call, that way on one side you get the emotional connection and support without the confusion that comes with the physical on one side, and you get the sex with out forging too emotitonal connection on the other side, and if you play your cards right neither side is invested enough to give you that relationship stress. It's a tight rope but damn its worth it sometimes.
2. Talking- See for me talking to someone means you have like their number or email but you don't really go out, you just kind of keep in touch. You see them around enough and their may be flirting or whatever but its a fairly informal relationship. A Party looking at it from the outside would actually assume that you two were closer than you actually are because what she does not realise is that the only time you see each other is somewhat on accident, but its cool you kind of fall into your rolls. Important rule about talking is that YOUR ASS CAN NOT GET JEALOUS... That may be your flirt buddy but really ain't shit going on, you can be mad if he/ she decided they are trying to close a deal tonight.
3. Dating. Dating is where life gets complicated. See you obviously know each other and you go out, and y'all may talk or whatever, but this is were people start assuming that folks are in relationships. Just cause you may see me out to dinner with someone does not mean that she is my woman and I was hiding her from you, and just because we went out does not mean you are the only one. It's bad because three good dates in if someone is really into it they assume the other person is there... but at this point I figure you are still quite single. Usually, the way I figure it is that if you are dating someone they are telling you that you have the possibility to beat out any person that is currently in whatever capacity of my love life.
4. Relationship. is really the step I have never had the firmest grasp on, I mean at some point you are supposed to be enough into a person that you don't want to see anyone else but not enough to say you want to get married? Logically I have never gotten it. I have always figured that a relationship was like giving someone the number one spot with an asterisk. Asterisk meaning that we preserve the right to revisit these rankings at a later date depending on the change in circumstances. It is for that reason that I generally don't let the relationship thing faze me but too much because I figure that people are going to do what they are going to do. I really don't expect someone to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend because they met someone that they think they may like, obviously before you go too far with someone new you need to clean out your closet, but when you are trying to figure it out, do what you gotta do just keep it on the low. This does not mean slutting around but it does refer to actually dating, because after all if a relationship was the same as being married why are they different?
5. Engaged... Well it ain't married. At this point you can't really date around the only difference is that you can leave without mixing finances and getting the law involved... Kind of like the warning track in baseball. After that you are married.
Notice at each level from 2-5, sex can fundamentally change the parameters of the relationship. Sex does tend to give people expectations particularly if it is combined with any sort of outside relationship. However, whenever sex is involved you need to negotiate that addendum as to how that changes things. For instance some people think that sex means a step up to the next level, like, "well, we were just talking, but now that we have had sex we are dating." or "we were dating but now that we have had sex we are in a relationship." umm, not so much, but I will relent and say that it is reasonable to ask that even if your partner may date someone else that the multiple sex partners thing isn't cool with you. But don't assume it is all. I've said it a million times and I will likely say it a million more, its all about the contract you negotiate. Market forces set the parameters of where the meeting of the minds should be, but they can not stop you from making a bad deal outside of duress or fraud in the factum...
No comments:
Post a Comment