So in my general travels around peoples blogs on this or many other sites one always runs across the relationship blogs. A fairly large subset of these blogs are blogs by women asking why men don't pursue lasting relationships with all of these great and wonderful women who are out there, or men taking us to task for our trifling ways. All of these blogs and their comments are generally filled with comments about needing to be equally yoked and bible verses with people decrying the downfall of american society and all these people having pre-marital sex as the problem. This is no disrespect but obviously in these types of forums no one keeps it "real." because reality sucks, and so while I can't post responses on many random sites I figure I would post my basic opinion for my people. There was a book written which states that "he's just not that into you." more realistically its like "He's not sure you're good enough for him."
Fact is that while I know some completely low down and trifling ass dudes, fact of the matter is its not that simple. A lot of the time when people get dogged on either side it's because at some point in the interaction they decided that the other person just wasn't good enough, or they had enough serious doubts about it to pull back. Despite all the bullshit that people always write about preferring honesty, common decency tells us that it is not really appropriate to tell someone that you don't think they are good enough, and honestly where is the conversation going to go since I will go out on a limb and say that they will not agree with you. See the problem is that people hear good enough and they think pretty, or educated, or rich, or a lot of other bullshit. It's deeper than that though.
Third parties don't help either. I was reading a friend's blog and it was funny, she was commenting on how so many of her friends describe a man as a "good man" by listing his education, job, lack of children, and perhaps that he goes to a church. That is real damn shallow, what's funny is that the conclusion of her blog and the comments that followed was that those surface traits didn't mean much, yet what I got most from it is that if your descriptions of a person are that shallow, what is the likelihood that your interactions are that much deeper? Too often people use shallow shit to determine who is on one another's level, or what their idea of good enough is.
One of the most annoying rants to me is when particularly women decry men for dating someone that is "below" them. I hate that shit. Does it mean that because I am a lawyer and went to an Ivy League school that I am slumming if I date someone whose school wasn't rated high enough for random hater 'X'? I mean what exactly are the lists of acceptable careers for a mate of mine? and why is dating someone solely because of their income, education, or occupation any less shallow that dating someone cause they got a nice body? It's not really...
And that is why you bump into a lot of dudes with good educations and good jobs who are assholes. They are just responding to the environment. It's that Mike Jones syndrome. There are too many dudes that have gotten dissed by women their entire life prior to getting some money and all of a sudden they have girls coming out of the woodwork. We have all talked about the wack dates that we have that are like job interviews, with people telling you what they think you want to hear, which adds to the idea that these people are interchangeable. And after a while, if all the conversation and interaction is going to be the same with people on a certain status, why not get the prettiest one you can, or the one with the most status?
It's funny because the best conversations I ever have with people is when we have generally decided (vocally or not) that the whole relationship tryout things is off the table. When people aren't worried about being offensive and will let you know what they actually care about. I ahve heard way too many men and women bitch about going out with people who don't seem to believe in anything but getting that paper, and the cosby style power couple. Thing is that I don't think most of the people are quite that shallow but can you really fault someone for not wanting to wait around long enough to find out?
So as a fall back people always bring God into the mix. Now I don't know how many of you grew up in church but those that have know there are more hypocrites running around the church that anywhere else. I do believe that God will send you someone when you are ready, but you also have to be able to see it, and the fact that it does not always look how you think it should. Those that know me know this is not my plea for my educated sisters to start dating garbagemen, what I mean is though to have a couple of talks with people or on a real level. Sometimes you and that asshole dude have the same interests, or dude that seems like shallow party dude is more than that.
The thing is that when I ask some of my female friends what they want its real broad even though what they expect isn't that broad. They will say, an "open, god fearing, ambition man." ok, that is cool, but that could be a doctor or a drug dealer. I figure that you shouldn't be scared to list some seemingly shallow things in what you are looking for because you need to think about what you want your everyday life to be, because if your goals for what life looks like are too different its a wrap, and its likely going to end in a shady way.
Last thing is even if you drop a lot of the bullshit and open yourself up to people and are interested. fact is that they just may not like you. You are not what they want, and contrary to popular opinion that is not some shit that people know on the first day, or after a couple of dates. That is my problem with relationships, you get caught up in this thing before you are sure, and so it's never as easy to back out of a commitment. Yeah perhaps it would be better if people left sex out of it, but is that realistic. I know sex is its own promise (saving dr. baker from her Vanilla sky quote :) but it's also just something separate from the relationship. A lack of permanent feelings does not make someone less sexy, and hell it takes two to tango as they say.
Basically, the point is something that I always say, that there are no "good" men or women, you can just be "good" for one another. Yeah people get hurt when things fall apart and its real easy to completely demonize a persons motives. but the fact is that even when they could have handles things better more men that you think do value the time that is spent, they just aren't willing to accept your love over their own. A part of me agrees that you should be man or woman enough to let someone hate you, but I am not naive enough to say that is an easy choice.
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