Damn I am old... as is usual when folks get old I guess we reflect on life so far and the upcoming year. This is likely a bit long...
So far, I am a lawyer, but I am broke as shyt, but I spend a lot of money... Not really a prudent combination but hey... Anyway, things are looking like I am about to open up my own law offices at the beginning of the year so hopefully next year will cure some of the poverty stuff.
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Someone asked me why I am so anti-relationship. They feel like since I write certain stuff about it I must be bitter from some dark heart break, when its really not that deep. The fact is that my last "official" girlfriend was in high school, and the day after we started "going together" another girl rolled up on me talking about how she wanted to get up. Now I am not real big on cheating so I tried to think my way out of this conundrum and the conclusion that I have come to is stay out of relationships, that way you won't have guilt about doing what you want to do. I look back and figure I was stupid being "faithful" to a one day old high school relationship so until something feels deeper I just stay out of it. Besides there is something I don't trust about people who want to define things to quickly. You can't really think you know me that quick.
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Another issue that has come up this year with some of my female friends, is them going crazy about some dude they are talking to you. Just to get this out in the open, for females, dudes will treat you how they see you. This means that if a guy thinks you're a slut, everything that you do will reinforce it. if he thinks you are just a play thing you're not going to transform to wife material. When you meet a girl you make certain basic judgments about her and she is placed in a classification, and after that point there is no logic. You can not offer enough evidence to change things. However, the issue is that as girls you can not allow one person's perception of you to define your reality. It's like the Audrey Lourde quote from "the Best Man." If someone has a negative perception of you, you need to leave, you can't change it, nor should you validate it.
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Motivation is a Mutha. Soon a very soon, I need to get my money right, get in some kind of shape, make more focused steps towards my future and a ton of other things. That is why I love my friends. Sometimes I have a hard time believing that cats like DC and Steve have been kicking it with me hard since like 90-91. High school added Reese and Iss, and even though we may not get to talk that much and live all over the place, when we form like Voltron its all love. The fact that so many of them are making serious moves is what keeps me going not to be the loser of the crew.
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Back to the quasi relationship stuff with me. I recently decided to go on some dates because I felt myself slipping into the dark side where I would not know how to act anymore. See, I had found the perfect balance to happiness in life in my opinion, I had female friends that I never touched, and I had a couple of shallow physical relationships. This was great because you can talk to a girl for things that men don't talk about, but since you're just friends she rarely goes to bitching at you about anything. There are no expectations is all good. However this alone would drive you crazy cause hell people have needs, so for that you get into shallow physical relationships with people you don't really talk to and don't see much. You don't know much about them, nor they you so once again none of the relationship stress. This whole arrangement usually rolls along pretty well, until one of the friends decides they want more, or for whatever reason it falls apart, or one of the physical partners catches feelings (which almost always happens at some point.) The other problem with this of course is that I truly believe that maintain such a lifestyle for too long would allow my cynicism to get waaaay out of control and would also likely guarantee my soul a spot in eternal damnation. So I figured, hey might as well try to go out on a couple of dates and learn how to interact with a person, that I actually planned to speak to again, so like I said, I went on a few dates with a few folks that I met in a myriad of random ways. One of these days one of my pro-relationship friends will have to explain to me how this is supposed to work. One girl is cute and we get along great though she is a bit annoying... One girl is actually pretty fine as hell, though I am not sure how much we have in common and I figure she is at best apathetic about me, and one girl hasn't really made enough of an impression for me to have an opinion. So here I am trying to call enough to show interests but not too much interests, and not be stalkerish and read signs, when it hits me that this is all a bit too much work. Especially when i read my other home girls blogs and she is all effusive about love, and she is such a good writer, she almost makes me think it is a good idea, but she also makes me know I have never been close to it. So I wonder is dating in general just spending time and R&B shyt grows? or is it supposed to be there in the beginning? This is all hypothetical of course since I am also fully aware that this is all a cost benefit analysis, which is why I will likely try to call back the second girl once or twice more and give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not apathetic towards me, and that we can work out some commonality. And it of course does nothing to address the fact that I still have a weakness for thick ghetto chicks, I mean I know i can't talk to them but still...
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Some people tell me I look young, some people tell me i look old. Nonetheless, my goal in the near future is to wrap my mind around the fact that I am a lawyer, and that I really need to get on changing the world. I went to my college's annual christmas luncheon yesterday where I was the only black person in the room. I am talking to a few successful folks, when it started to hit me that they are looking at me more as one of them than as one of the students. It kind of made me wonder, at what point in my faking it til I make it will I have actually made it? and would I even know.
That's enough for now, next time your boy blogs he will be 28... hopefully I will find enough motivation to have enough fun to have a story to tell... Even if I don't tell it here... :o)
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